HERO FOR OUR TIME: MARQUES ‘GRAND MARQUES’ SLOCUM
We really wouldn’t want to hang out with most football players. As a fan, we’re necessarily put in the tension-filled position of being passionate about a sport whose participants would, on the whole, rather chew their own leg off than hang out with our ilk. (”Hey, wanna come over and watch the DVD of Big Love! It’s the one where Marge finally gets that job she’s been angling for! I’m sooooo happy for her!”)
Sprint/Nextel bitches.
Yet, we think we’ve met the first player we actually would love to hang with on a weekly basis: Michigan’s own Marques “Grand Marques” Slocum. His quiz on his facebook entry is reprinted below, and we don’t mean this in a snickering, elitist, or ironic way at all: Marques sounds fucking awesome. In fact, we’re calling our mom right now to tell her she’s the realest bitch alive. She’ll appreciate it, since she did say “motherfucker” live on the EDSBS radio show.
Sprint/Nextel, bitches. Enjoy.
(Begin edited interview. Questions in italics, answers in bold.)
What is your favorite song of all time?
Just another n***a- state property II
Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have?
Fuck lion say what!
i got a fuck lion now come fuck wit me
Who do you admire most?
My mom CARLA, dat bitch da shit, i love her i think she da realest bitch alive
Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where?
fuckin real
When do you plan on getting married?
it dont matta cuz i hope my wife know ima be playa 4 life
Get the number or give the number?
i would have 2 say bof
Romance or Kinky Sex?
it dont matta however i can get it
How do you feel?
i feel like killin somebody so dont be dat person… lol….not really dont be dat person
What size shoe do you wear?
a big enouf size 2 boot chu da fuck up outta here
T-Mobile, U.S. Cellular, Cingular/AT&T, or Sprint/Nextel
sprint/nextel bitch! dey got da best phones
Would you rather be hot or cold?
fuckin warm fuck dat hot shit and dat cold shit Id rather it be in da middle
Would you rather lose an arm or a leg?
what da fuck! i needs bof of my muthafuckin body parts
Opera, Musical, Concert, Play, Performance, or Other?
opera- no, musical- no, concert- maybe. play- no, performance- fuuuuuuuuuuuck no, other- no
What is your favorite clothing brand?
state property, im on my philly shit im on my jawn… lol
Most Memorable Past?
shit i couldnt tell u cuz i dont know
If you had to pick one car, which would it be?
96 impala ss
Your favorite Disney Films?
fuck disney
Why did the chicken cross the road?
cuz he was all fiend out
Do you support Paris?
why should i
Where is Waldo?
Waldo: eaten by fuck lion, presumably.
i killed dat punk muthafucka he owed me money
Favorite element?
i would have 2 go with………….. water
What was your last thought?
why da fuck am i doin dis interview
Firefox, Internet Explorer, Netscape, or other?
i dont give a fuck i just want 2 get on
Who are you going to vote for in 2008?
me
Juice and crackers or milk and cookies?
i want sum milk and cookies
Favorite fruit?
watermelon
Which is worse? A bad laugh or a bad cough?
dam mafucka u just fucked up da mood, i guess i aint sayin no more jokes
Are you a cat or a dog person?
im fuckin wit a rock or a pit just so it can cha cat
Would you rather be blind or deaf?
deaf btu dam neither
Define yourself in 3 words…
im da shit
Do you eat cold cereal at night?
what da fuck is cold cereal
What is your favorite TV show?
the wire
Kill the spider or let it out?
man! fuck dat spider
Do you shower every single day?
shit i at least get a bird bath but yea i shower everyday dis summer its 2 hot not 2
Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore?
shit ima be askin him 4 sum change
Boat or bus?
bus bitch! i cant swim
Where do you want to travel next?
da future
Fuck Bubbles.
What would you do if Michael Jackson asked you out
I be like yea and den ima rob em’, ima steal all his shit and im stealin bubbles and im sellin dat muthafucka
What is your favorite food?
I like 2 licky licky licky licky… lol
Do you read harry potter books?
who da fuck is dat!
If you could have one super human power what would you choose?
come on now i wanna fly i hate walkin dat shit overrated
Have you had a beer in the last week?
shit I downed a forty last night in 2min. and 37sec. yea, beerfest bitch! im ready 4 da boot!
Vitamin Water or Gatorade?
Bof of dem shits is nasty but i fuck wit gatorade
Favorite body part?
my whole fuckin body
Flip flops or sandles?
come on now! what type of question is dat?
What do you do on fridays?
whatever da fuck i feel like doin
Do you like bananas?
do u
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151
MrP says:
Sub-Human
August 23rd, 2007 at 8:27 pm
152
Robuka Kenderle says:
I see that this student athlete will make great use of his english degree from Michigan.
He is qualified enough to be president and he is waaaay ahead of the 50% of adults in Detroit who are illiterate. Or 50 Cents.
The guy’s future looks great.
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:21 pm
153
Robuka Kenderle says:
Can we have a little poll here to see what the funniest line was?
I vote for the mom question:
Who do you admire most?
My mom CARLA, dat bitch da shit, i love her i think she da realest bitch alive
Sheer effing poetry bitch.
August 23rd, 2007 at 10:25 pm
154
Kentucky Prophet says:
Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where?
fuckin real
Fuckin real indeed man. Fuckin real indeed.
August 24th, 2007 at 1:49 am
155
Malcolm Gladwell says:
Viral. Absolutely V I R A L.
Grand Marques, EDSBS = Innovators
We = Early Adopters
“Fuck Lion”
“More Cowbell”
“Nunchuck Skills”
There are just some things a Renaissance Man has got to know.
August 24th, 2007 at 9:16 am
156
poindexter says:
What a moron, he should be locked up with Vick.
August 24th, 2007 at 10:14 am
157
Cowbearsfan says:
149…bravo, man. Bravo.
I have a brother that goes to OSU and I’m pretty sure his boys are laughin their asses off right now!
Hail to those old dumb fuckers!
August 24th, 2007 at 11:38 am
158
solorunner says:
Vick may be a moron but this jack-tard is totally brain dead . Even reading the comments several times I couldnt figure out what this goon was talking about.
August 24th, 2007 at 11:54 am
159
poindexter says:
truly a “brotha from another palnet”. Certainly isn’t from this one…
August 24th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
160
poindexter says:
truly a “brotha from another planet”. An ignorant one at that. He’s taken ebonics to a whole new level.
August 24th, 2007 at 12:25 pm
161
Will says:
Anyone who can’t see that Marques’s use of slang and profanity was part of the joke, is as stupid as you are trying to make him out to be. Very poor judgement on his part to post this on such a site. And naive to think that the so-called friends that he let read it are friends.
Another classic example of cultures clashing and others passing superior judgement, when it is quite obvious that the answers were written in an urban dialect/text form to enhance the humor. The kid has a lot of wit but is naive when it comes to the intentions and agendas of people.
This will serve as a very good lesson. We love you Ques, and you will get pass this
August 24th, 2007 at 9:03 pm
162
Liam says:
Who are you going to vote for in 2008?
me
That makes 2 of us.
August 24th, 2007 at 9:40 pm
163
Ben says:
I have poked Marques “Grand Marques” Slocom
August 25th, 2007 at 1:06 am
164
Nutsac Sailboat says:
Is this guy related to Kenny Irons??
August 25th, 2007 at 9:39 am
165
Nutsac Sailboat says:
Sprint/Nextel bitch, I’m muthafuckin out
August 25th, 2007 at 9:40 am
166
brushfire bill says:
Inspirational.
Marques ventures into James Lipton’s Inside The Actor’s Studio…
http://www.barkingcarnival.com/scipio-tex/marques-slocum-michigan-football-intellectual-ventures-inside-the-actors-studio
August 25th, 2007 at 12:28 pm
167
MCab says:
I am in complete agreement with him about favorite car. The 96 Impala is a car inspired by Mayra Veronica.
August 25th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
168
LLyod says:
U in da dog house.
I hope da shit likes to run bleachers at o’dark thirty in da morning.
August 28th, 2007 at 12:51 pm
169
Petey Wheatstraw says:
It follows, then, that the mane of Lee Corso’s fuck lion is artificial.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
170
Walt Disney says:
Fuck Marques Slocum.
August 29th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
171
Nichole says:
That was totally awesome.
Fuck lion is the best line.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:58 pm
172
Senore Bitey says:
In reading the responses to this ‘interview’ I would venture a guess that the vast majority of you are white. It’s funny how a lot of you seem to think that you know what this kid will be about academics wise because of something you’ve seen on his face page or myspace or wherever this was found.
I can assure you that as is the case with most minorities, we have separate faces that we use when we deal with people and situations outside the normal experience of our culture and environment. I get the feeling that he is the big, gregarious, happy go lucky goof ball that he comes off as…I mean he did say of his mother that ‘dat bitch is the realist bitch’…but just because you’ve seen a glimpse of what he’s probably like when he’s emersed in the culture that he’s familiar with doesn’t mean you know what he’ll be like or do when he’s sitting in the classroom or in the meeting room or any situation that is white male authority driven…OR, just authority period without regard to skin color or ethnicity, just a situation that requires discipline and submission to authority. You have no idea how the guy will respond to that by reading his face page/myspace/blog or whatever it was.
Particularly to the people who’ve responded with some sort of smugness that the notion of Michigan having high academic standards is bull because you just read one of their football players using slang and talking like he’s straight ot of ‘the hood’…you honestly don’t know a damned thing about this kid…really, you don’t. You don’t know how he’ll do in the classroom, you don’t know how he’ll represent the university or how his time at Michigan will impact it’s academic record. You don’t know the first thing other than when he’s not in a serious situation, he’s something of a goof.
August 31st, 2007 at 11:09 am
173
Senore Bitey says:
…and since he’s just getting going at the University and in his career, you can’t say that what you’ve read is proof of Jim ‘Turn Around So I Can Stick The Knife In’ Harbaugh’s comments
August 31st, 2007 at 11:16 am
174
Lewis12345 says:
“Fuck bubbles”
August 31st, 2007 at 4:20 pm
175
Marques says:
y da fuk do u guyz h8 me im da tru gangsta
August 31st, 2007 at 4:31 pm
176
App St8 jigga says:
Daym we beet dem beitch ass nigga at dey big hizouse mayne marques got rulled on like da tru bitch he izz
September 7th, 2007 at 11:10 am
177
? says:
What the hell is wrong with this kid? A fuck lion? And how did he even know Michael Jackson’s monkey was named Bubbles? WHY WOULD HE REMEMBER THAT!?
Define yourself in three words…”I’m da shit”.
September 26th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
178
Photo Joe says:
omfg this was just the pick me up i needed today…i’m laughing so hard i’m crying….gotta love ignorant people!
October 25th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
179
Mark Z says:
Senore Bitey: Face page?
November 13th, 2007 at 10:08 pm
180
umich1 says:
I had a class with this kid for one day — greatest experience of my life. He now has a drew gooden beard. Oh god. Awesome.
February 19th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
181
Shane says:
Re: last comment
I, too, had a class with Marques Slocum my senior year of undergrad. It was actually one of professor Hagen’s classes, one day, we split into groups to do survey work. When one of the group members called on Mr. Slocum to answer a question, he said, “Aw, shit, I don’t know — I’m not used to standing up in class. I’m used to standing up to get awards and shit.” And then he left the room.
April 21st, 2008 at 9:17 pm
182
Joshua W says:
What a stereotypical person….now people will feel sorry for him for absolutely no reason. We are all that much more dumb after reading his slow minded retarded azz response.YO…Im da Shiznit homey…bow down or get rolled up…Holla..what an idiot.
May 3rd, 2008 at 8:21 pm
183
fuck lion defined says:
K for your information, asshole, I have seen a lion. And not one of your crap ass queen of the jungle homoerotic pussy-cat lions. A real lion, with fangs and horns and wings and shit. Don’t pull your fucking wierd ass african voodoo hypnosis crap on me when you don’t even know wtf you’re talking about.
July 18th, 2008 at 2:49 am
184
Lucky Charms says:
I too am often confused by cold cereal. It is like…you have to chew it, but at the same time you are eating it with a spoon…that just doesn’t happen anymore. Not since yogurt anyway. I am so glad that University funds help people like Grand Am get a college degree. That was easily the most productive accopmlishment in the last half century.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
185
wow says:
i’m speechless. pure genius. the only thing i found wrong was w/ the element question.
he should’ve answered…
“the element of surprise, bitch.”
December 9th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
186
Bubbles DA Baddest Chimp says:
Jawn is just “Joint” with a little flair.. You can pretty much insert it anywhere. And not that joint for all you weed heads. More like joint like in place.
I’m out this Jawn.
July 7th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
187
Jeff says:
“Senore Bitey says:
In reading the responses to this ‘interview’ I would venture a guess that the vast majority of you are white. It’s funny how a lot of you seem to think that you know what this kid will be about academics wise because of something you’ve seen on his face page or myspace or wherever this was found.
I can assure you that as is the case with most minorities, we have separate faces that we use when we deal with people and situations outside the normal experience of our culture and environment. I get the feeling that he is the big, gregarious, happy go lucky goof ball that he comes off as…I mean he did say of his mother that ‘dat bitch is the realist bitch’…but just because you’ve seen a glimpse of what he’s probably like when he’s emersed in the culture that he’s familiar with doesn’t mean you know what he’ll be like or do when he’s sitting in the classroom or in the meeting room or any situation that is white male authority driven…OR, just authority period without regard to skin color or ethnicity, just a situation that requires discipline and submission to authority. You have no idea how the guy will respond to that by reading his face page/myspace/blog or whatever it was.
Particularly to the people who’ve responded with some sort of smugness that the notion of Michigan having high academic standards is bull because you just read one of their football players using slang and talking like he’s straight ot of ‘the hood’…you honestly don’t know a damned thing about this kid…really, you don’t. You don’t know how he’ll do in the classroom, you don’t know how he’ll represent the university or how his time at Michigan will impact it’s academic record. You don’t know the first thing other than when he’s not in a serious situation, he’s something of a goof.”
http://varsityblue.blogspot.com/2008/07/marques-slocum-leaves-program.html
“While rumors swirled around Slocum throughout his career with Michigan, it was his incompatibility with Director of Strength and Conditioning Mike Barwis, along with his academic struggles, that finally caused Slocum to give up on his Michigan career.”
Shocking, I know.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:21 am