The big board for this week, with clever name variation included for Illinoize. Thanks as always to Brian our Boardmaster, who is hung like Reggie Fuckin’ Nelson.

Notes, Corrections, and Total Spots of Derelict Negligence on Our Behalf.

You can get buck in the club, but only to a limited extent, sir. We’ve heard every imaginable version of the story now thanks to Alabama and Auburn fans’ extreme devotion to even the police beat of Crimson Tide news. Tuscaloosa police arrested him unfairly. Tuscaloosa police let off ten other football players who were throwing cars around and tossing infants for fun.

Whatever the actual case, there’s a police report with Alabama’s Simeon Castille getting arrested for a disorderly conduct charge in Tuscaloosa, earning one piddly point for the Tide in another sign their program may be getting back that lovin’ feeling: three arrests on the football team in the past month.

The Iowa Hawkeyes follow invert their football team’s pattern of performance from last year by tanking the first half of the season before finishing strong with a credit card fraud scam of felonious proportions emerging from Iowa City.

Dominique Douglas and Anthony Bowman were arrested for charging over $2,000 to credit cards that did not happen to belong to them. From Hawk Central:

According to complaints filed with Johnson County District Court, Douglas and Bowman made or attempted to make purchases from Hatworld, C&E Fashions and Sneakerhead using credit cards belonging to two separate victims.

Good to see they invested it in clothing, which according to Clinton and Stacy is an investment in you–albeit, one they obviously didn’t feel comfortable spending their own money on. Self-esteem, young men! Get thee some self-esteem! In the future, think of it as stealing from yourself, if you need a little buzz from the transaction. Three points for each felony charge are hereby awarded, bringing Iowa’s total to six points on the year.

Oh, and Douglas was their leading receiver from 2006. That might impact things a bit on the playing field, we think.

In Heaven there is no beer, just like South Bend. Jimmy Clausen gets a citation for underage possession in South Bend, which according to our sources is a virtual rite of passage in a town with a strange lack of tolerance for drunk 18 year-olds reigns. We love drunk 18 year-olds in Gainesville–they lose their wallets and their clothing so easily.

Even with Clausen’s single point and the arrest of Derrell Hand for soliciting a prostitute, Notre Dame still does not make the big board, even though like the BCS we have a spot between number 4 and number 8 reserved for them every year whether they deserve it or not.

Did he play de-fence, or of-fence? West Virginia has two players, J.T. Thomas III and Ellis Lankster, charged with receiving and transporting stolen property. Murky charges right now, so we’ll assume felony, award three points each for a total of six points, and dial up or down depending on the clarifications.

I will prove my love to you by assaulting this door and you. Kansas State running back Rashaad Norwood puts K-State near the big board but not quite on it with a single score of five points for battery, criminal damage to property, criminal trespassing and obstruction of the legal process in a domestic dispute. Said the unnamed woman in the case: “I never had any idea what love could be, and what it meant to Rashaad, until he threatened to burn down my house and kill me. Then, at last dear reader, I knew true love.”