COACHES SHILLING: ARA PARSEGHIAN

by Orson on Aug 20, 2007 4:06 PM EDT

From time to time, coaches feel the need to shill, most importantly because of contractual obligations and/or the burning desire to pocket some extra sheckels for the kids' college fund. This yields bountiful comedy, usually of the delicious unintentional kind, especially during the season when the national feed trips for an instant to reveal the wavering, cheaply filmed videotape-quality shot of your coach saying something like...

At the University of ________, we only want the best. Just like the people at Evanson Mufflers and Brakes/Gastric Bypass/Whatever.

Even the greats are anything but immune. Cue Ara Parseghian and one of the most patently false lines ever penned and then force-spat from a coach's mouth:

One of America's great traditions is the luxury sedan. One wonders if Ara seized several times while saying this before several rounds of sedation and hypnosis allowed him to confidently belt out such a patently false line without blowing perfectly good blood vessels in his head. Just look at the shit-colored deathboxes behind him for proof: two of America's ghastliest cars, the 5th Avenue with its "spacious interior..."

Ed! You can fit your legs in there!

...and the dismal setup of the cars. They appear to be two random, derelict vehicles sitting idly in the grass at a state highway median that the crew chose randomly.

Crew: Yeah. We'll do it here.

Ara: Don't we need cars from the lot?

Crew: No, that might cost money. These two abandoned wrecks will do just fine.

Ara: Isn't that dishonest?

Crew: Seriously, it doesn't matter what you show them. American consumers will buy anything you call a car. Seriously. They bought the Vega, and it was on fire in the showroom.

Ara: What's that smell?

Crew: A body in the trunk, of course. Whaddya think they're doing abandoned in the median?

(Laughter ensued!)

Parseghian gets an 'A' for effort, though, bravely plowing through thirty seconds of complete and utter untruth to make the pitch and pocket at least--we're sure of this--eighty dollars and the complimentary use of a 1984 Chrysler Shambler Sedan for his troubles. Hey! It came with it's own popcorn maker, which only spilled magma-hot butter on infants who sat in the front seat, mind you. Suck on that, Nader, you fucking safety geek.

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the legendary 5th Avenue and the New Yorker with it’s sporty European driving style

Truer words were never spoken.

by jebushchrist on Aug 20, 2007 4:16 PM EDT reply actions

Even though that’s a rival school’s coach, I feel nothing but shame on his behalf.

It brought back memories of the first 36 hours I spent in this fine country – jet-lagged as hell watching Cal Worthington and his dog Spot ads at 4 in the morning and then riding on the 101 wondering why I’d never seen these POS mobiles on-screen when my grandparents were watching Dallas. I should have been paying closer attention to CHiPS. Shit, that was a long time ago.

by DC Trojan on Aug 20, 2007 4:16 PM EDT reply actions

It’s true: Nothing says “sporty European driving style” quite like an ’84 LeBaron.

by PeteJayhawk on Aug 20, 2007 4:17 PM EDT reply actions

Er, New Yorker. Damn it. Whatever. What Jebus said.

by PeteJayhawk on Aug 20, 2007 4:19 PM EDT reply actions

A body? In the trunk?

by Allahver Fist on Aug 20, 2007 4:21 PM EDT reply actions

In the trunk.

by Oops Pow Surprise on Aug 20, 2007 4:27 PM EDT reply actions

I bet JC won’t be driving one of them to the belmont anytime soon.

by bhors on Aug 20, 2007 4:34 PM EDT reply actions

Ill have you notice that they chose gold and white cars, and this is taking place at what appears to be a HS football field. You gotta study it closely, but the production values are there.

C’mon though, you know those rides scream “old white guy ND booster,” and I bet they sold thousands of those beasts on the back of Coach P.

by Brian on Aug 20, 2007 5:00 PM EDT reply actions

Gold and white do not describe the colors. Dry rot and pus do.

by Orson Swindle on Aug 20, 2007 5:05 PM EDT reply actions

Gee, and I was hoping you had the triple option tailgate when Ara was doing Ford commercials.

Those were national campaigns. You talk about some production values…

by dbldomer7375 on Aug 20, 2007 5:06 PM EDT reply actions

No “S” Dept:

In Los Angeles, the latest in used car lot commercials and/or info-mercials on the double digit Spanish channels is having “models” in mini-skirts sell the cars. A few are quiet attractive, others with obviously fake booberage, but all sort of cheesy. Some would be good candidates for Cheesecake Friday.

by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Aug 20, 2007 5:09 PM EDT reply actions

Charlie Weis doesn’t have the thighs for this shit.

by Ted Ginn did Everythin' on Aug 20, 2007 5:10 PM EDT reply actions

You can see that coach P’s thinking “Oy, the things I do for money”….

by chickensupernova on Aug 20, 2007 5:17 PM EDT reply actions

Orson, I think the color you’re looking for is ‘muscatel’

“Stop camera…uh…what’s a Broham?”

by spartymike on Aug 20, 2007 5:20 PM EDT reply actions

Bob Stoops was paid to do a car dealer ad but never showed up to do the actual work.

by Orangeblood on Aug 20, 2007 5:23 PM EDT reply actions

Watching that all I could think about was Spurrier’s wooden (specifically osmose lumber) commercials…“I’ll be…it’s a yella tail-gater!”

And I thought it was just women who made you do strange things for what you’re after…

by sb on Aug 20, 2007 5:29 PM EDT reply actions

Give me The Orgeron slinging Hummers any day of the week.

Also, this may be really old, but I thought it was of significance here. Swindle, #3 to S.I., but #2 in our hearts.

http://fannation.com/blogs/post/52629

by RaginCajunRebel on Aug 20, 2007 5:40 PM EDT reply actions

What kind of rims would McFadden throw on that New Yorker? 22’s?

by Kerwin4two on Aug 20, 2007 6:22 PM EDT reply actions

#3
actually it was john voight who drove a lebaron.

#14
is that a great white hype reference?? very obscure yet funny my friend. some early jaime foxx.

by gerry dorsey on Aug 20, 2007 6:22 PM EDT reply actions

One enduring feature of the 5th Ave and New Yorker is you only see them parked on front lawns just like in the commercial. It’s classic look!

by blazin on Aug 20, 2007 6:30 PM EDT reply actions

I am stunned and saddened by the lack of Aries/Reliant K-car inclusion.

by GorgeForeman on Aug 20, 2007 6:37 PM EDT reply actions

#18: McFadden can learn from Darius Miles:

http://blog.oregonlive.com/blazers/2007/08/darius_miles_rolls_deep/print.html

by Domer Guy on Aug 20, 2007 6:53 PM EDT reply actions

Orangeblood for the win.

You get a merlot Brough-ham.

by Mr. Wrong on Aug 20, 2007 7:14 PM EDT reply actions

The now defunct Big Bear grocery chain had John Cooper talking some bullshit about being a boy in Tennessee and how he carried a lucky Buckeye in his pocket. Bullshit.

I, too, prefer the Orgeron slinging Hummers.

Tell ’em, Jo-Jo!

by Jorgé the Bass Player on Aug 20, 2007 9:10 PM EDT reply actions

Multiple charges against PSU safety Anthony Scirrotto have been dropped, lawya. Sadly, that should be a seven point deduction for my dear Nitty Kitties (two felonies and a misty). [TEAM REDACTED] takes the lead, and yes, Urban Meyer thinks this is all a bit harsh.

by Run Up The Score on Aug 21, 2007 12:05 AM EDT reply actions

Threadjack:

West F’n Virginia is voted as top party school.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/08/20/party.schools.ap/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

Somewhere in Morgantown a couch is being sacrificed in an offering of thanksgiving.

/Threadjack

by Geaux Irish on Aug 21, 2007 12:24 AM EDT reply actions

Just for the record – its a sheqel, not sheckel

Oh and can someone post that Orgeron hummer ad?… I never really appreciated what you were saying about – hyaw hyaw foobaw hayaw – before i saw that thing

I think I literally understood only the word hummer in the entire ad

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzToNo7A-94 – A RUDE, PAINFUL SUPRISE!

by piyachi on Aug 21, 2007 1:08 AM EDT reply actions