NEBRASKA TATTOO SPEAKS OUT

by Orson on Aug 15, 2007 3:40 PM EDT

Sure. You thought it was a good idea, just like all the mad geniuses do. I'll bring something into the world that no one's seen before, and just leave it to rot here, to fend for itself, like some kind of half-frog, half-man. It's new! Bigger! Stronger! Faster! We had to be...different, didn't we?

You couldn't just use the classic Nebraska logo, right? That's be nasty. Square. Uncool. You couldn't just be a pigeon--you had to be a peacock, didn't you, Strutty McFeatherass? Nooooo, you have Sam Keller promising to complete 65% of his passes. You've got an offensive line promising not to give up 68 sacks in two yearsYou have the Big 12 North sitting there wide open like the legs of a giddy, strapping, whiskey-drunk farmgirl who climbed down off that Husqvarna just for little old you. . You've got old Rageface in Boulder taking his team paintballing and listening to him tell fucked-up Zen koans. WAAAAaaaahhhh Nansen kills a kitten. Big shittin' deal--I'd thank the Zen monk that would scrape me off your cursed, sweaty epidermis. No one's offering to put me out of my misery in the name of Zen.

You asshole. You don't even know what I go through. Everyone will know what it is, dude! Oh, that sounded like a peachy idea back at the tattoo shop in Omaha, where you picked the man to do it based on that AWESOME skull with the snake crawling through the eyes, except the snake turned into a woman? A Vargas girl, right? You wouldn't recognize a Vargas girl if one woke up sitting on your face, Captain Strikeout.

That tattoo looked like a beestung blowup doll sutured to a garden hose. Oh we know some sexxayyyy, don't we after eight drinks, huh?

Hell, the closest we've--and oh, I do regret having to say "we" when it means me and you in a pitiful unit--come to getting any in my short and miserable existence as a ghost of the paint cast in flesh has been you jacking off to Bangbros.com. And you don't even clean off the mouse for your roommates. You're going to hell for this and you don't even know. It's one thing with lotion, sure. But we're talking about baby oil. And they suspect--ugh, again--us. Again, I didn't ask to be born into this garbage scow you call a life--all we want is the right to jump off into the oblivion of sweet death. Me and Spalding Gray tap dancing on the waves, baby. That's the only dream I have left anymore.

If you could hear what I hear. They think I look like a young, stroke-stricken John Madden. I CAN HEAR IT ALL, asshole. Everyday. If you only knew the hell I stroll through every day. What's with the retard farmboy? Huh? If you'd just used the logo. Stayed within the lines. Some people in life get all 64 Crayolas. Some get the 16 pack. You're clearly not ready for burnt sienna. And you're not ready to make your own tattoo, especially after nine drinks in Omaha. Why, oh why couldn't you have gotten laid that night? I'd have never breathed a single putrid breath. Oh, sweet, lamentable possibilities.

And you know what? The offensive line could suck again, Charlie. And we could lose to Rageface and his prissy little Zen clogs and Stephen Covey Habits of Highly Successful People horseshit, or to the glandular hobgoblin in Kansas, or to any of them. We're replacing everyone on the defensive line, and still have an 0-5 mark against top ten opponents. Any of them could shame them and make people stare at me and make me wish I could move enough to stab myself in the neck with that stupid piece of corn in pocket and end this misery forever.

But I can't, because I'm a shitty tattoo, and you're the assfaced donkeyfucking shitwidget who brought me into this life. When you're in the hospital, at the end of all this, guess who's going to be rooting for your little goal line stand to fail and put us both out of our misery? One mutated, paralyzed, retard Madden Husker tattoo trapped on your hide for all eternity.

May God have mercy on your soul, assface.

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Comments

Someone is still holding a grudge

by Reggie Ball Superstar on Aug 15, 2007 3:44 PM EDT reply actions

Against bad tattoos? Sure. Never will we hate on ’90s Nebraska. NEVER. You never forget your first gangrape.

by Orson Swindle on Aug 15, 2007 3:45 PM EDT reply actions

Who’s nuts are on his chin?

by bhors on Aug 15, 2007 3:45 PM EDT reply actions

Lotta teeth on that tat. Overcompensate much, Bubba?

by Ted Ginn did Everythin' on Aug 15, 2007 3:48 PM EDT reply actions

The collared shirt under the bibs is de rigeur this season in Lincoln.

by jebushchrist on Aug 15, 2007 3:51 PM EDT reply actions

What about his shoe? It looks like one of those fratty Reef sandals with a bottle opener built in to the sole.

by Harper on Aug 15, 2007 3:54 PM EDT reply actions

I told you Nebraskans are fucked up.

by Oops Pow Surprise on Aug 15, 2007 3:55 PM EDT reply actions

Tri-bal Arm-Band!!
Tri-bal Arm-Band!!
Tri-bal Arm-Band!!

Couldn’t he just have followed the crowd?

I remember the “Nebraska just scored again” jokes….brutal. Nothing like a couple of MNC’s to make you forget though.

by Palouse on Aug 15, 2007 4:01 PM EDT reply actions

You can hear the guy’s thoughts as he sketches this bad boy out.

“Damn. That’s pretty good…but it might be missing sumthin. I know…a mouthful of Skoal!”

Somewhere there’s an overly encouraging 6th grade art teacher in Nebraska to blame for this debacle.

by Ted Ginn did Everythin' on Aug 15, 2007 4:03 PM EDT reply actions

I’m loving the Spalding Gray suicide reference.

by Newspaper Hack on Aug 15, 2007 4:05 PM EDT reply actions

The teeth comment above compelled me to go back and check. That’s no Cornhusker, that’s a shark. Things got at least two rows of teeth.

by LSUJoshua on Aug 15, 2007 4:10 PM EDT reply actions

of course…he could have jorts on…

by Turk182 on Aug 15, 2007 4:18 PM EDT reply actions

Jebus – just be glad he isn’t wearing a collard shirt

by Jerkwheat on Aug 15, 2007 4:21 PM EDT reply actions

Vargas girl? As in Vargas the pin-up artist?

by Orangeblood on Aug 15, 2007 4:22 PM EDT reply actions

Looks like a younger, blonder John Madden, with multiple rows of teeth, like a shark.

by Doug on Aug 15, 2007 4:26 PM EDT reply actions

is that an ear of corn in your pocket?

by gerry dorsey on Aug 15, 2007 4:28 PM EDT reply actions

Buddy Lee – meth face.

by Out of Conference on Aug 15, 2007 4:33 PM EDT reply actions

Yes – that is in consecutive threads that I made a Buddy Lee crack for those keeping score at home.

by Out of Conference on Aug 15, 2007 4:34 PM EDT reply actions

is he wearing chuck taylors??

by gerry dorsey on Aug 15, 2007 4:43 PM EDT reply actions

First they ignore you.
Then they laugh at you.
Then they fight you.
Then you win.

Mind you, that is an ugly ass tattoo. The block N with script Huskers would have been a much better choice.

by Albino Tornado on Aug 15, 2007 4:45 PM EDT reply actions

Yet, Southerners are ridiculed as rednecks and the like and this guy breaks out with this and he’s the man! I bet he knew someone who had gotten the “Peterbuilt” tattoo and that is what persuaded him to “think outside the box”.
Conversly, I did know a dude that went to auburn who had the old school style logo, the one with the eagle as if it were landing on a rabbit with the ticker tape entangled in it’s feet, inked on his back as large as a serving plate.

by King Harvest on Aug 15, 2007 4:48 PM EDT reply actions

Didn’t major in biology, anatomy, or the fine arts, but am I wrong or is his left leg where his penis should be?

by DAve on Aug 15, 2007 4:52 PM EDT reply actions

Reading this article and trying not to laugh out loud in the office was an excercise in futility. I didn’t have a chance.

But Orson couldn’t just take the knockout in the first round… no… he strings me along with pretty funny but not hysterical bits. And just when I think I’m going the distance he hits me with this gem :

“assfaced dockeyfucking shitwidget”

Straight to the mat my friend. There was no chance at recovering in 10 seconds. Orson, you are a superstar.

by Cincy on Aug 15, 2007 4:59 PM EDT reply actions

I think the ear of corn in his pocket is what tips it from fucking retarded to genius.

by Janus09 on Aug 15, 2007 5:00 PM EDT reply actions

It COULD be worse, you know? It could be a tatoo of Lil Freaking Red, NU’s creepy inflatable non-mascot. That would be an unspeakable horror…

by darren on Aug 15, 2007 5:10 PM EDT reply actions

Upon further review, I’ve noticed that mascot is wearing the ever so hard to find, limited edition, ultra rare, Chuck Taylor cleats. Back foot, Chuck Taylor top, front foot, cleats. Nice.

This tat is like the game in Highlights where you find differnet items in the picture.

by LSUJoshua on Aug 15, 2007 5:16 PM EDT reply actions

Orson, I love that you have a soft spot for Nebraska. Tommy Touchdown will do that to people.
I just wish you didn’t give the USC folks more ammunition.

by Lazer on Aug 15, 2007 5:21 PM EDT reply actions

My thoughts:

1. As Jeff Foxworthy told us, rednecks are not limited to the South.

2. He’s not iso-ing the ball correctly. The back point of the ball should be in the crook of his arm. That’s how you lose close games…right LeKevan Smith?

3. Eeeerrrraaaggghhhh! Solomon Grundy!

by Raider Red on Aug 15, 2007 5:22 PM EDT reply actions

In Soviet Nebraska, the tattoos dip Kodiak.

by Jason on Aug 15, 2007 5:23 PM EDT reply actions

DAve @ 22 -

Not only is his left leg coming from his crotchoidinal area, but it also looks like he may another leg (# 3!)behind it. Either that or his ass cheek hangs lower than Charlie Weiss’ front butt.

by Rex Cramer on Aug 15, 2007 5:29 PM EDT reply actions

That’s awesome

by Rob on Aug 15, 2007 5:38 PM EDT reply actions

“Glandular hobgoblin”. Inspired.

by Holly on Aug 15, 2007 7:35 PM EDT reply actions

Hope kleph’s OK.

by PeteJayhawk on Aug 15, 2007 8:44 PM EDT reply actions

I am compelled to point out that our beloved Herbie no longer resembles the above tattoo. He’s lost some weight.

by Land of Os(borne) on Aug 15, 2007 10:33 PM EDT reply actions

The N stands for (k)nowledge…

by Nate (ltdomer98) on Aug 15, 2007 11:00 PM EDT reply actions

62-24 motherfucka!!!! lolz!

by John on Aug 15, 2007 11:34 PM EDT reply actions

Looks like a fireman who was justifiably proud of his girth decided he’d also let everyone know he’s a ’Husker, too.

by Beergut on Aug 16, 2007 1:53 AM EDT reply actions

yah, the ‘N’ would have been a better tat.

by rudy on Aug 16, 2007 3:26 AM EDT reply actions

I have an equally bad Alabama tattoo. An elephant holding a football in one hand and the number one in the other on my right arm. Thank you jagermeister. Thank you very, very much.

by Elmer Fudd Gantry on Aug 16, 2007 9:38 AM EDT reply actions