Brian found this over at Fanhouse. We’re just sharing. You have two choices after you watch this: “share” or “watch again.” We recommend you follow this routine:

1. Watch.
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Presente: Lee Corso says “FUUUUUCK!”

Still sick from being forced to drink all that chocolate milk before running wind sprints? My that was some colorful ejecta. Rest and recuperate with the healing powers of…

What: EDSBS Live! online radio, presenting Media edition. The meta-meta-meta edition of EDSBS Live has us discussing the watchers who watch, the media. Corso references over/under: 27 for the whole 90 minutes.

When: 7:30 Eastern, 4:30 Awesome Standard Time.

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum. Or just call (310) 984-7600. First-time callers are prioritized, because we love us some virgins. (It may hurt! But you want it so bad, don’t you?)

Who: Tim Griffin of the San Antonio News-Express and ESPN.com.

How excited are we? Hyper. But are we hyper enough?

Our four questions for the show:

1. Your favorite sportswriter–Burger King division. (Big media) Our favorites are mostly dead or blogging, a distinction a mainstream reader might not really feel the need to make. (AUTO-ZING!) Our favorite mainstreamer is most likely Hubert Mizell, retired St. Pete Times columnist and contributor to the Gainesville Sun in his old age. Cagey codger who writes short, digestible columns that aren’t somehow dumbed down by the format.

2. Your favorite broadcaster A rehashed question, for sure. Living? Larry Munson. Dead? Jack Fleming, the boffo, gravelly-voiced play-by-play man for West Virginia football. Anyone who cast the opposition as “invaders” in a martial baritone wins our soul, even from beyond the grave.

3. Something about a simple change in Big Media coverage you’d like to see made that would make an enormous improvement in the way we digest CFB.

Nationalize the coverage a bit more. This is a regional complaint, since in SEC coverage we’re more omnivorous than our media service providers realize. It’s not that we’re just sluts for SEC football. We’re sluts for football in general. And maybe just, you know…sluts period. Whatever. Give us more from around the country, especially in print coverage.

4. Sexiest blogger. A contradiction in terms? We think not. Though we’ve never seen her face, we give this to The Starter Wife, if only because she makes pizza roll. And pizza roll will get you very, very far in this life.

Hear you tonight.

If your quirk factors registers somewhere around the Crispin Glover range and you’re an offensive player, you’re likely a quarterback. If you’re playing for the Spartan, kickin’-bitches-down-wells division of football, i.e. the defense, and you’re flush with vitamin Q, then you likely end up at linebacker, where generations of hyped-up loonery has found a home smashing skulls. If you do not believe this, consider the classic clip of a young Dick Butkus saying these words in Crunch Course, a video that did as much to mold our personality and philosophy as either parent did.

I want to hit someone so hard their head comes off. You know, kind of like in that movie Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte, where the head comes rolling down the stairs? That scene kind of got into my head.

Ring one more entrant into the bizarro fraternity of eccentric linebackers: Michigan State’s Jon Misch, a 200 pounder at strong side linebacker. That’s 200 pounds, which you might weigh, dear reader, playing at strong side linebacker in the Big Televen and running through tight end blocks if he’s lucky, and defensive ends and worse if he’s not. When you’re weird by weight already, you’re a special variant of strange.

Jon Misch is sorry he killed your brother.

Misch deepens the strange, however, with the bio: he’s got a 137 IQ, is a diagnosed hyperactive, plays classical piano, was originally recruited as a defensive end, eschews sports shows for Mythbusters, and has a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. Brian from MGo has dubbed him the “Samurai,” which is a bit of a misnomer considering Tae Kwon Do is Korean. Therefore, in honor of a fellow AD/HD type, we’ll dub him “Best of the Best,” after our favorite (and really the only) Tae Kwon Do movie from the golden age of martial-arts-specific action movies.

We reserve the right to use the name “Gymkata” for another player to be named later. (BTW, check out Brian’s outstanding Michigan State preview while you’re at it. Bart Connor would approve.)

Yes, Deadspin hopped on the Alabama luxury condo/Katrina relief story before we did. Somehow Tuscaloosa was included in the Katrina Gulf Opportunity Zone (or GO! Zone, as in “GO build yousself a luxurrreee condo, joon-yah!) despite being 200 miles from the coast and decidedly unaffected by Hurricane Katrina. The tax breaks have gone toward, among other even more scurrilous things, we’re sure, the construction of gameday condos in Tuscaloosa, complete with “$1 million for units with granite countertops, king-size bathtubs and ‘Bama decor, including crimson couches and Bear Bryant wall art.”

The real fallout will come from explaining to Alabama fans that writing all of this off is not already tax-deductible, even under Alabama law. Hey, until you cave in on the Shug Jordan memorabilia exemption in State Bill 1389, it’s off the table, Bammer legislators. (Love, Auburn alums, Alabama Legislature chapter.) In the meantime, the IRS has some sweet audit steak just waiting for them in the form of all those $15,000 write-offs under “home churches” to Bear Bryant shrines.

When asked what he thought, Nick Saban responded with a statement involving the words “time”, “not having any,” and “shit.” The best quote from the article:

“It is a joke,” said Tuscaloosa developer Stan Pate, who has nevertheless used GO Zone tax breaks on projects that include a new hotel and a restaurant.

Fiasco, sir. Abomination! Um, I’m totally taking advantage anyway. He’s quick he’s strong he’s legislatively shady!!! ALABAMA MAAAYYYUN!

It’s the philosopher’s stone of college football: the search for the perfect statistic to explain wins and losses, the ultimate wavering-quavering digit that could (aside from the score) point to broken part for the mechanically minded coach to replace and thus have the perfect win-manufacturing machine.

And like the philosopher’s stone, that digit does not exist. Apart from the finally tally of points between teams playing in a single game, there’s no single stat that explains it all, despite the efforts of a thousand statisticians to create one. Even the usual suspects frustrate expectations.

Like turnover margin, for example–if I give you the ball more often than you give me the ball, I should lose almost all of the time, no? Glen Mason, unemployed football coach, disagrees. Tops in turnover margin from the good end of the spectrum down from 2006:

1 Minnesota
2 Boston College
2 Kentucky
4 Brigham Young
4 Michigan
6 Wake Forest
7 Nevada
7 Western Mich.
9 Syracuse
10 Boise St.
10 Rutgers

A list of very good teams, yes. A list of top-tier monsters? Hardly, especially in the glaring cases of Minnesota, Syracuse, and Kentucky. We’d also like to note that coaching personality=stats here: there are some world class crotchety Matlock-watchers here, including Rich Brooks, Lloyd Carr, old-before-his-time Tom O’Brien, HOFer Chris Ault, and Jim Grobe. (As for Bronco Mendenhall and the bombs-away BYU offense…um, Mormon thrift, we guess?)

You actually have to do something with the ball in order to win. Even Methusalan geniuses like Ralph Friedgen, whose football education spans as diverse an ecosystem of gridiron thought as there is, can only come up with one stat that comes close: the 12 percent rule.

The statistic is derived by adding a team’s interceptions, fumbles, dropped passes, sacks and penalties during a game and dividing that by the team’s total number of offensive plays. The key is to keep the result under 12 percent — meaning that the team is committing a human error on 12 percent or less of its plays.

It’s Six Sigma for the shoulder pads set, but even then it’s only hovering somewhere around a 90-95% effectiveness rate for predicting victory. When you have eleven variables interacting with eleven variables, each with a different task, route, assignment, and the ever-slippery element of human er-ROR involved, 90-95% may as close to holy as any grail-stat can be.

(Speaking of holy–holy hell, how in the fuck did Maryland win nine games last year?)

Little light-headed, sure. But yeah, otherwise, Boulder’s awesome. I mean, the beer, the scenery, the vibe, the complete lack of humidity…it’s gorgeous. And look at this! This is insanity, man.

Wait. What the hell are they doing with that…is that a buffalo? A live goddamn buffalo? They’re not going to…

Oh, my. They are.