The big board, where much changes but like sound and fury, it signifies nothing. A passel of updates, corrections, and 100% more guaranteed errors following the big board. (HT, again, to Brian.)

The Alex Lowe Award goes this week to the fastest climber in the count: Duke, whose Michael Tauiliili was arrested for…

“…a litany of charges, including driving while impaired, failing to stop after an accident, assault by pointing a gun, carrying a concealed weapon and simple assault.”

A litany! Yea, a veritable litany of charges, we say. Tauilili did add the Duke touch by pointing not a real gun at the accuser, but rather an air pistol. (Ronnie Wilson is ashamed of you, sir. Be bear, be grizzly.) In response, Ted Roof wept and suspended his leading tackler from 2006 until things can be sorted out in the case, which earns at least eight points for the Blue Devils.

Texas tacks on three more points to a strong tally, which may not be fully tallied above due to a gross mathematical error on our part last-minute change in scoring. Freshman defensive tackle Andre Jones was arrested on a felony robbery charge August 3rd for allegedly participating in a hold up in Austin. His attorney claims the whole thing is a case of mistaken identity, and urged law enforcement officials to actively pursue a suspect who “looked a lot like a bigass dude named Andre, but most definitely not Andre Jones.”

Three points to the Longhorns. The eyes of Texas law enforcement are upon you all the livelong day.

If Dan Hawkins likes tougher players, then he’ll want to clarify with genus and species of “tough” he would prefer: three of his players got involved in tough-ish fighting incidents, which earn the Buffaloes a tidy four point sum for generic FnDC.

Tom O’Brien calls the DWI/reckless driving arrest of Pack lineman Jeraill McCuller “family business.” We translate that as “player’s coach no suspensions WHEEEEEEE!!!” Three points for the Wolfpack, who make a late appearance here in year one of the Electric Age of Nonstop Excitement that will be known as the Tom O’Brien era.

Can you think of a better way to say “I love you”than with a restraining order? How about by breaking that restraining order, as Oklahoma State linebacker Alex Odiari did. That little lady will be back in your life in no time with that kind of dedication. In other news, this is the first real indication that OK State’s defense is serious about breaking through protection schemes that we’ve seen.

One point to the Cowboys for the dogged determination to get cited.

As if Josh Hyman hasn’t been through enough in life with that name, he has to go and get himself tangled in a credit fraud charge. Two points for making it difficult for us for having the name Hyman and somehow making it difficult to crack a joke involving the word punctured, broken, or otherwise rent asunder.

Nebraska busts out your classic Huskers’ score with a DUI for Hunter Teafatiller, whose name in German we’re told means “deep dish.” Teafatiller faces a deep dish of trouble with a heapin’ o’ puke-inducing stadium steps for his arrest on DUI charges in Lincoln. This is Teafatiller’s second alcohol-related driving arrest; he put his SUV in a culvert and blew a .123 in March of this year.

Two points for Nebraska for crooked driving on straight, level prairie roads.

Washington loses corner back Jordan Murchison to a failure to appear in court for a hearing on an assault charge from March. Quoth Coach Tyrone Willingham:

“When I get more information I will speak to his status with our team, but not until I get more information,” coach Tyrone Willingham said Wednesday evening. “I don’t know the actual particulars. FOOOOOOORE!!!”

We may have made the last part up okay we did. But he wanted to say it. Two points for U Dub.

Louis Holmes is on posters for the U of Arizona as part of their “Live it Live!” campaign to promote Wildcat football. Holmes was indeed living it live, as in live ammunition, when he allegedly punched a fellow bargoer and ripped a doorman’s “Kenneth Cole blazer” in an altercation at the Pussycat Lounge in Scottsdale, Arizona. You know the rules, Louis. Mess with the bull, get the horns. Mess with Kenneth Cole, and you get the whole fucking herd stampeding your ass, son.

Three points for young Louis and his maiming of an innocent and likely overpriced jacket.

Drunken driving express lane: Two points for Washington State; two points for Iowa. Thank you and drive around…slowly.

And finally, two points for a Fresno State player’s vandalism of a car. This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps, Larry.