1. You could just go ahead and call someone a shitbag, but that removes elegant fun from the equation. Or you could write what Paul Finebaum wrote about South Carolina’s president Andrew Sorensen, the source of last week’s brouhaha with Spurrier over disqualifying two of Spurrier’s hard-earned recruits after they met NCAA qualifying minimums. He was at UF when we were, and is an adult man who wears a bowtie and does not work in the gaming industry. This may be all you have to know about him, really, something Finebaum himself proposes.

2. DerrickDarrell Kinder’s ACL decided to take the 2007 season off due to snapping in half, leaving Pitt sans their number one wide receiver for the year. Peter King, a pro football writer and amateur male gigolo, once opined that Dave Wannstedt was a fantastic hire at the college level. He then made a remark about coffee, Brett Favre being awesome, and his daughter’s wretched and interminable field hockey career.

Feel it!

Wannstedt went 5-6, then 6-6, and just lost his number one receiver. Aside from breaking even on the field, they’re down in the standings in the ticket sales department, offering up season ticket packages at rock bottom rates–$120 for seven games, and another whole set for $10. Their defense, Wannstedt’s specialty as an assistant with the Cowboys et al,
ranked 87th last year, finishing just behind Fresno State and UAB in total defense. They suffered crushing defeats to West Virginia and Louisville to end 2006, and according to Chas, who would really, really know about this by now, they both don’t and can’t tackle on defense.

Eyeball this year’s schedule, and you’re looking at…um, 6-6. Wannstedt can recruit, but once the talent gets to Pitt, it moulders, and rarely goes to the NFL (two draft picks this year, though, a 3rd and a 6th rounder.) But…um…hey look here’s a shot of Ironhead Heyward trucking a safety in 1987! ROAAARRRGHGH!!!

3. You’ve got a fast car, fast enough that we can fly away.

Having made that joke, we will now run to the west and away from Marvin Austin for the rest of our natural lives and perhaps afterward, as well.

4. Perverse logic reigns. The best two quarterbacks in the SEC may be at Vanderbilt and Kentucky. When the moon runs red with blood later tonight, don’t blame us–blame Michael, who brought this up during a phone conversation this weekend. In fact, per his calculations for a college fantasy league, Nickson ranked higher in his methodology than John David Booty in terms of absolute value, especially in terms of big plays. Nickson is a classic whack-a-mole qb; seemingly pounded for a loss, then popping up from certain death for a first down or worse. Dameyune Craig is not an inaccurate comparison.

Nickson should mean more, of course. He’s got significantly less talent surrounding him than Booty, who’s nose deep in blue-chip accomplices. Yet the falloff from Jay Cutler was briefer than one might have suspected at Vandy, who we’ve always respected since they seem to save their best game each year for Florida and play like possessed dervishes against the Gators. Beating Georgia was no coincidence. They’ll slip a crap burrito into someone’s diet this year again. We can only hope it’s not Florida at home.

Michael’s also got his Charles Rogers Theorem ‘07 ready to go after it suffered a fair reaming last year. His overrated pick for ‘06? Florida.

5. Notre Dame sings! Hat tip to Kevin from Fanblogs for the video of Notre Dame freshmen forced to sing the alma mater at practice. Compared to drinking a “crack shot” for freshman lacrosse players or whatever godforsaken homoerotic torture rugby players put noobs through, freshman initiation for football players seems downright genteel in comparison.

6.Watching: Big Love on DVD, notable for a few reasons.

One, Chloe Sevigny has not performed oral sex on anyone on camera yet. It’s just a matter of time.

Bill Paxton: American Hero.

Two, we will watch anything with Bill Paxton in it, since he won our hearts as Hudson in Aliens and has been on a rip through the dark, brilliant heart of American cinema ever since. Regardez:Navy Seals, Mighty Joe Young, True Lies, Weird Science, Commando, Tombstone, Spy Kids 2, Twister, Near Dark… everything the man touches turns to velvet-covered platinum awesome ballsness. This can’t be different. It’s a law of the universe. There should be statues of this man in public places gesturing boldly to the future with an outstretched hand like Jebediah Springfield.

Three, we want to put jorts on Jeanne Tripplehorn and rip them off her manually. We cannot explain this–she’s older, has no bunda to speak of, and spends a good bit of the series looking pensively out the window while scrubbing something. Whatever. Polygamy seems insane when you’ve got Barb ready to meet you at the Fields of Distinction for some lunchtime furniture stress testing.

7. Sammie Stroughter remains out of Oregon State’s fall practices for murky “personal reasons.” Message board rumors without substantiation: Stroughter’s off the team completely, Stroughter’s trying to find the lost CIA plutonium on Nanda Devi, Stroughter’s “stressed out” from his relentless work as a spokesman for Oregon State football…

8. Your HE’S A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PLAYER THAN THE ONE YOU SAW EIGHT MONTHS AGO story of the day: Anthony Morelli. The market scoffs at your feeble concern for Morelli’s foibles last season: Notre Dame/Penn State’s average ticket price on the “it’s new to you!” market of scalperdom still hovers somewhere around the $1000 mark per ticket.

9. Currently reading: This morning? Michael Statsny’s take on Black Swan. Because we love to read things we don’t really understand in the least, especially when it relates to something we don’t really have: money.

10.We watched Tim Brando, Spencer Tillman, and Terry Bowden do some one-off preview show on CSS this weekend, and noticed that Terry Bowden remains nearly perfectly spherical. Matt Hayes from The Sporting News was on there, and displayed his usual shocking lack of convention by picking USC and LSU 1-2 in the nation. He also chose UCLA as his dark horse, meaning UCLA fans should begin drinking heavily five minutes ago.