CURIOUS INDEX, 8/13/07
by Orson on Aug 13, 2007 9:45 AM EDT
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1. You could just go ahead and call someone a shitbag, but that removes elegant fun from the equation. Or you could write what Paul Finebaum wrote about South Carolina's president Andrew Sorensen, the source of last week's brouhaha with Spurrier over disqualifying two of Spurrier's hard-earned recruits after they met NCAA qualifying minimums. He was at UF when we were, and is an adult man who wears a bowtie and does not work in the gaming industry. This may be all you have to know about him, really, something Finebaum himself proposes.
2. DerrickDarrell Kinder's ACL decided to take the 2007 season off due to snapping in half, leaving Pitt sans their number one wide receiver for the year. Peter King, a pro football writer and amateur male gigolo, once opined that Dave Wannstedt was a fantastic hire at the college level. He then made a remark about coffee, Brett Favre being awesome, and his daughter's wretched and interminable field hockey career.  Feel it!Wannstedt went 5-6, then 6-6, and just lost his number one receiver. Aside from breaking even on the field, they're down in the standings in the ticket sales department, offering up season ticket packages at rock bottom rates--$120 for seven games, and another whole set for $10. Their defense, Wannstedt's specialty as an assistant with the Cowboys et al, Eyeball this year's schedule, and you're looking at...um, 6-6. Wannstedt can recruit, but once the talent gets to Pitt, it moulders, and rarely goes to the NFL (two draft picks this year, though, a 3rd and a 6th rounder.) But...um...hey look here's a shot of Ironhead Heyward trucking a safety in 1987! ROAAARRRGHGH!!! 3. You've got a fast car, fast enough that we can fly away.
Having made that joke, we will now run to the west and away from Marvin Austin for the rest of our natural lives and perhaps afterward, as well. 4. Perverse logic reigns. The best two quarterbacks in the SEC may be at Vanderbilt and Kentucky. When the moon runs red with blood later tonight, don't blame us--blame Michael, who brought this up during a phone conversation this weekend. In fact, per his calculations for a college fantasy league, Nickson ranked higher in his methodology than John David Booty in terms of absolute value, especially in terms of big plays. Nickson is a classic whack-a-mole qb; seemingly pounded for a loss, then popping up from certain death for a first down or worse. Dameyune Craig is not an inaccurate comparison. Nickson should mean more, of course. He's got significantly less talent surrounding him than Booty, who's nose deep in blue-chip accomplices. Yet the falloff from Jay Cutler was briefer than one might have suspected at Vandy, who we've always respected since they seem to save their best game each year for Florida and play like possessed dervishes against the Gators. Beating Georgia was no coincidence. They'll slip a crap burrito into someone's diet this year again. We can only hope it's not Florida at home. Michael's also got his Charles Rogers Theorem '07 ready to go after it suffered a fair reaming last year. His overrated pick for '06? Florida. 5. Notre Dame sings! Hat tip to Kevin from Fanblogs for the video of Notre Dame freshmen forced to sing the alma mater at practice. Compared to drinking a "crack shot" for freshman lacrosse players or whatever godforsaken homoerotic torture rugby players put noobs through, freshman initiation for football players seems downright genteel in comparison. 6.Watching: Big Love on DVD, notable for a few reasons. One, Chloe Sevigny has not performed oral sex on anyone on camera yet. It's just a matter of time.  Bill Paxton: American Hero.Two, we will watch anything with Bill Paxton in it, since he won our hearts as Hudson in Aliens and has been on a rip through the dark, brilliant heart of American cinema ever since. Regardez:Navy Seals, Mighty Joe Young, True Lies, Weird Science, Commando, Tombstone, Spy Kids 2, Twister, Near Dark... everything the man touches turns to velvet-covered platinum awesome ballsness. This can't be different. It's a law of the universe. There should be statues of this man in public places gesturing boldly to the future with an outstretched hand like Jebediah Springfield. Three, we want to put jorts on Jeanne Tripplehorn and rip them off her manually. We cannot explain this--she's older, has no bunda to speak of, and spends a good bit of the series looking pensively out the window while scrubbing something. Whatever. Polygamy seems insane when you've got Barb ready to meet you at the Fields of Distinction for some lunchtime furniture stress testing. 7. Sammie Stroughter remains out of Oregon State's fall practices for murky "personal reasons." Message board rumors without substantiation: Stroughter's off the team completely, Stroughter's trying to find the lost CIA plutonium on Nanda Devi, Stroughter's "stressed out" from his relentless work as a spokesman for Oregon State football... 8. Your HE'S A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PLAYER THAN THE ONE YOU SAW EIGHT MONTHS AGO story of the day: Anthony Morelli. The market scoffs at your feeble concern for Morelli's foibles last season: Notre Dame/Penn State's average ticket price on the "it's new to you!" market of scalperdom still hovers somewhere around the $1000 mark per ticket. 9. Currently reading: This morning? Michael Statsny's take on Black Swan. Because we love to read things we don't really understand in the least, especially when it relates to something we don't really have: money. 10.We watched Tim Brando, Spencer Tillman, and Terry Bowden do some one-off preview show on CSS this weekend, and noticed that Terry Bowden remains nearly perfectly spherical. Matt Hayes from The Sporting News was on there, and displayed his usual shocking lack of convention by picking USC and LSU 1-2 in the nation. He also chose UCLA as his dark horse, meaning UCLA fans should begin drinking heavily five minutes ago. <!-- End content section --> |
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the paxton problem: you seem to forget he “lead a daring expedition to bookend the plot” in titanic.
that said, if you’ve never seen a simple plan and one false move you life is all the poorer for it. and then there is his old band martini ranch…
by kleph on Aug 13, 2007 9:57 AM EDT reply actions
Shame on us for not mentioning the actual magnificent piece of acting he did in One False Move, or the magical synergy between he and Billy Bob Thornton. They’re in three films together, all awesome in their own way: One False Move, Tombstone, and A Simple Plan.
by Orson Swindle on Aug 13, 2007 9:59 AM EDT reply actions
I think its actually a wretched and interminable softball career. That guy’s column is pretty much on autopilot though. Livin’ the good life indeed.
by Brian on Aug 13, 2007 10:01 AM EDT reply actions
I can’t get into Big Love. Bill Paxton is indeed the shit, but I can do without seeing his bare ass in every episode.
There is no shame in wanting to pile-drive Trippelhorn, however.
by fresh on Aug 13, 2007 10:04 AM EDT reply actions
and you leave off his directorial masterwork in Frailty?!?!
by Jerkwheat on Aug 13, 2007 10:13 AM EDT reply actions
I thought it was just a cross-pondian thing that Peter King always came over as being an unreadable, smug, selfserving arse.
Good to see Dameyune Craig mentioned, brought back happy memories of sitting watching him being pish for the Claymores in the WeLaff. Boy does laughter echo round a 67,000 seater stadium with only 10,000 people in it.
by Not a Fifer on Aug 13, 2007 10:14 AM EDT reply actions
If I can recover from the giggle fit I had at the Fast Car reference, I want to say some things. Heyward awesome. Theorem sucks. And I never underwent any homoerotic hazing whilst going through the noob status for LSU Rugby Football Club.
Now, when I scored a try, and had to sing some song whilst holding a flaming roll of tp between my clenched ass cheeks (don’t ask how, the memories are still shut far, far away with terrible recollections like the Dinardo and Hallman years) at the party afterwards, that was teh ghey. The drinking out of your boot was fun in comparison. Because think people, you can’t hold something in your ass without your pants being down. At a party. You’re scared or freaked out. It’s not the time nor inclination for your wang to say, “Wonder Twin powers activate! Form of a LPGA ice sculpture/trophy that girl kissed! Shape of a sea slug!”
by LSUJoshua on Aug 13, 2007 10:23 AM EDT reply actions
bill paxton thinks jeanne tripplehorn has an “ass like a 10 tear old boy.”
by gerry dorsey on Aug 13, 2007 10:23 AM EDT reply actions
I’ve actually dined with Sorensen. Quite pompous.
by Stranko Montana on Aug 13, 2007 10:34 AM EDT reply actions
Bill Paxton’s turn as the washed out Jimmy Buffet hating club owner, Coconut Pete, is the only reason I can think of to watch the movie “Club Dread.”
by SC_Gator on Aug 13, 2007 10:44 AM EDT reply actions
Jeanne Tripplehorn: yes indeed.
Re: Matt Hayes. Picking UCLA as a dark horse is about as imaginative now as picking USC – LSU to go 1 – 2. Especially now that they have improved morale from all those new Xboxes and flat screens in the locker rooms… the ones that fell off the back of truck, that is.
by DC Trojan on Aug 13, 2007 10:45 AM EDT reply actions
Stranko, you are one cosmopolitan motherfucker, you know that? ;)
Orson has been regaling me with stories of your adventures lately, and I am hella impressed, by the way.
by The Conscience of a Nation on Aug 13, 2007 10:54 AM EDT reply actions
Yeah, Chris Nickson and his 15:13 TD:INT is the 2nd best QB in the SEC. Yeah, I believe that. I really do….
by CFB Authority on Aug 13, 2007 10:54 AM EDT reply actions
Darrelle Revis went to Pitt, and he was picked in the first round, so Wanny also produced a 1st round pick this draft.
by Chris on Aug 13, 2007 10:57 AM EDT reply actions
Look what he’s working with, CFBA—and you’re neglecting to mention the 694 yds rushing and 9 rushing TDs, as well.
by Orson Swindle on Aug 13, 2007 10:58 AM EDT reply actions
Jerkwheat speaks truth. Frailty is the movie that officially put me on the “Bill Paxton is made of 100% badass” bandwagon.
by Oops Pow Surprise on Aug 13, 2007 11:08 AM EDT reply actions
Paxton is awesome, but you forget that he also was in that shitter of a film " Vertical Limit"…
That alone knocks him down from God to Demi-God status.
I’m heading off to Pina Colada-berg for a cold one!
by ness on Aug 13, 2007 11:16 AM EDT reply actions
Paul Finebaum calling someone else a shit bag?
“Hello shitbag… this is is shit…. you smell bad”
ps – Near Dark – best Bill Paxton performance ever.
by crabs on Aug 13, 2007 11:23 AM EDT reply actions
Somebody call the UNC trainer stat. #9 is in urgent need of a jumbo size box of jumbo manziers.
by HFS on Aug 13, 2007 11:23 AM EDT reply actions
Sorenson’s pretentiousness is the stuff amongst my Gamecock friends, until recently anyway. He was the one who spearheaded their Greek Village, which is fairly impressive.
Spurrier could murder 7 people in Cola right now, and Neal Lourie would get him off on some technicality, such as Spurrier’s steak was overcooked at the Capital City Club.
FYI, tax lawyers, law school professors, and CPAs rock bow ties, as well. You can mock the frat stars if you want, though. I knew I looked ridiculous wearing them during that period. Still look ridiculous now, in all likelihood.
by Coop on Aug 13, 2007 11:25 AM EDT reply actions
Speaking of Ironhead, I was no longer afraid to buy those loofah things after this commercial aired:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXvcjPeuU1E
God rest his soul.
by PW on Aug 13, 2007 11:26 AM EDT reply actions
He will forever be Chet.
surprised you didn’t save the unc pic for cheesecake friday.
by PSUgirl on Aug 13, 2007 11:27 AM EDT reply actions
CFB:
1. As Orson pointed out, it isn’t as if he’s working with quite the same raw materials as Booty.
2. Booty’s TD/INT ratio is significantly puffed up by the bevy of short touchdowns he threw last year in instances in which USC almost certainly could have run the ball in. His numerous short TDs illustrate why evaluating a QB based on TDs is a little silly. The gap between the two in YPA – 7.68 vs. 7.14 – is not especially big.
by Michael on Aug 13, 2007 11:34 AM EDT reply actions
Tracy Chapman never, ever had boobs that big, but she did wear underwear with dickholes in them.
by letsplaytummysticks on Aug 13, 2007 11:52 AM EDT reply actions
by ALGator on Aug 13, 2007 11:59 AM EDT reply actions
Tripplehorn. This is no mystery.
1. Her aggressive Dong Reception in Fatal Instinct
2. This video.
http://Juiced.smartvideochannel.com/media/PlayVideo.aspx?cid=0657C70CA3DC469C93779151E82C758F
She may have aged, but the hippocampus does not release these WONDERFUL images.
by Godfather of Soul on Aug 13, 2007 12:14 PM EDT reply actions
whatever godforsaken homoerotic torture rugby players put noobs through.
Zulu Warrior, baby….
by PeteJayhawk on Aug 13, 2007 12:15 PM EDT reply actions
^
^
^ NSFW just so you know.
And, well played, letsplaytummysticks…
by LSUJoshua on Aug 13, 2007 12:25 PM EDT reply actions
A.) Sorenson’s first year at Bama was my freshman year. He did his best to close down my college (we managed to get it rolled into another college… he figured it was left for dead). I had to sit in lots of meetings with him. He was the second biggest slimeball I’ve ever met… The biggest was his henchbitch Provost Nancy Barrett (who had the balls to bring her much younger lover from Directional Michigan down to be CIO).
However, Crabs is right, Feinbaum is definitely playing the role of Pot to Sore-n-son’s Kettle.
2.) Trippplehorn is HOTTTTTT… and part of it has to be that every time you see her, you imagine her bent over Michael Douglas’ couch.
iii.) Did I really need to be exposed to Michael Statsny this morning???
by PeterPumpkinhead on Aug 13, 2007 12:28 PM EDT reply actions
HEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYY Zulu warrior!!!!!!!!
(easiest way to get the cops to shut down a party before dark)
and doesn’t anybody else do “rookie lifts” anymore?
by jakldawg on Aug 13, 2007 12:56 PM EDT reply actions
Wait, you mean there are people who can distinguish between Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman? Seriously?
Both of those douchebags have the ability to turn what would otherwise be an enjoyable film into the type of ‘do not’ instructional video I presume is shown in Film 1001.
by Hobnail_Boot on Aug 13, 2007 1:04 PM EDT reply actions
Aliens = CFB Axis of Evil coaches meeting to discuss the UF / LSU threat.
Tressel: Hey, maybe you haven’t been keeping up on current events, but we just got our asses kicked, pal!
Saban: How long after we kickoff with Florida or LSU before we need a rescue?
Weis: [pause] Seventeen plays.
Tressel: Seventeen plays? Hey man, I don’t wanna rain on your parade, but we’re not gonna last seventeen seconds! Those things are gonna come in here just like they did before. And they’re gonna come in here…
Saban: Tressel!
Tressel: …and they’re gonna come in here AND THEY’RE GONNA KILL US!
Saban: TRESSEL! This little girl survived longer than that with no weapons and no training.
[to Haley]
Saban: Right?
[Haley apes a salute]
Tressel: Why don’t you put her in charge?
Saban: You better just start dealing with it, Tressel! Listen to me! Tressel, just deal with it because we need you and I don’t have time for your bullshit.
by Never Saw Molly Hatchet on Aug 13, 2007 1:24 PM EDT reply actions
never saw…..fucking brilliant! 100 cocktails to you sir!
by ness on Aug 13, 2007 2:01 PM EDT reply actions
Thanks for posting that link, PW.
But Ironhead, what’s with this thingy?
Ahhh, the memories.
by Big Jon on Aug 13, 2007 2:28 PM EDT reply actions
Is Marvin Austin wearing a jog bra under that shirt?
by blazin on Aug 13, 2007 2:38 PM EDT reply actions
Three Things Dept:
1) Mr. Man-boobs there needs to lay off the steroids, or so it seems. Oops, meant hormones….
2) Notre Dame Items? For a team that is not relevant, not even in the top 25? Eegaaad!
3) Great Stacy Keibler Cheesecake Bunda Picture: SFW, methinks…
http://www.wallpaperbase.com/wallpapers/celebs/stacykeibler/stacy_keibler_11.jpg
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Aug 13, 2007 2:42 PM EDT reply actions
Chloe Sevigny actually did perform on-camera oral sex in the universally panned “Brown Bunny.”
by John on Aug 13, 2007 3:54 PM EDT reply actions
Nobody remembers Bill Paxton’s performance in Predator 2?
The man fought Aliens and a Predator!
by doubtingthomas on Aug 13, 2007 4:10 PM EDT reply actions
Sorensen is forever in my doghouse for running off Stallings.
If I had my wish, I’d gouge out his eyes with a splintered wooden spoon and skullfuck his brains into gravy.
by Steve on Aug 13, 2007 4:18 PM EDT reply actions
Both of those douchebags have the ability to turn what would otherwise be an enjoyable film into the type of ‘do not’ instructional video I presume is shown in Film 1001.
Ah, c’mon. Bill Pullman in ‘Malice’ was pretty good.
Pullman: “Sit the fuck down.”
Kidman: “What?”
Pullman: “I said, sit the fuck down. I’m running the show now.”
Kidman: “What do you want?”
Pullman: “What does any man want? I want the Red Sox to win the World Series.”
Classic….
That and:
Baldwin: “You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I am God.”
As for Marvin Man-Boobs, as long as he takes it to the Clown College to the North, that’s cool with me….
by Palouse on Aug 13, 2007 4:25 PM EDT reply actions
Wasn’t Paxton in the opening scene of Terminator? When Ahnuld first arrives bare-bundahed I think Paxton is in the “gang” that he beats up to steal clothes from. Maybe I’m crazy.
by drexyl on Aug 13, 2007 4:30 PM EDT reply actions
Good Lord folks
We can all agree that tripplehorn is indeed a threat – but she shares the camera with that unbelievable bunny Ginnifer Goodwin. So she gets second shot on that show at least
And keeping with the babies on screen theme – twin peaks complete official swear to god this is it box set is coming in november, so all you bow to Sherilyn Fenn when the time comes
Church!
by omfdg on Aug 13, 2007 4:47 PM EDT reply actions
Paxton was killed by an Alien, Terminator and a Predator.
A great distinction only shared by Lance Henriksen.
Now that is awesomeness.
And yeah, Jeanne Tripplehorn deserves the last syllable in her name, but the youngest of Bill’s 3 wives in BL is probably the sweetest looking.
by Simmo on Aug 13, 2007 7:46 PM EDT reply actions
1. I see your Sherilyn Fenn and raise you a Sheryl Lee.
2. Once Chris Nickson develops a passing game beyond “throw it in the general vicinity of Earl Bennett”, we can talk about him being an above-average SEC QB.
by bradluen on Aug 13, 2007 7:47 PM EDT reply actions
Bill Paxton was in Terminator. Thus, everything he does is gold.
Bill Pullman was Lone Star, and the President once. He’s not quite got the Midas touch, but he’s amusing anyway…
“Laundry day- nothing clean, right?”
by crazy tom on Aug 14, 2007 2:31 AM EDT reply actions
When reached for comment regarding Marvin Austin, Gary Barnett said that she was an “awful” football player.
by skinnyphatman on Aug 14, 2007 9:26 AM EDT reply actions
The Notre Dame freshmen are singing the Victory March, not the Alma Mater. The Victory March is the instantly-recognizable song that begins “cheer, cheer for old Notre Dame.” The Alma Mater is less recognizable, but it is the song that the team and alumni sing after every game—it’s much slower.
by Lisa on Aug 14, 2007 11:45 AM EDT reply actions
There is a youtube link, though, to the ND freshmen singing the alma mater:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=mfsPg0RuvBs
by Lisa on Aug 14, 2007 12:13 PM EDT reply actions
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