Everyday Should Be Saturday

August 9, 2007

THE BRIDGES OF CHAMPAIGN COUNTY

I know it’s late, I know you’re weary.

We were trying to layoff after we let whatever dark demon lives under the stairs of our brain write the Galactus/Tom Brady Who’s Now piece. But dammit, Tom Dienhart’s lead-in to this story on [NAME REDACTED]’s expectations for 2007 is too damn suggestive not to post.

CHAMPAIGN, Ill. - Illinois coach [NAME REDACTED] didn’t want me to leave, but I had to. It was getting late, and I faced a three-hour drive back to St. Louis.

“Come on, you can spend the night here,” [REDACTED] offered.

Believe me, I wish I could have stayed longer. Things were just getting heated up at the [REDACTED]-er’s crib.

Ahem.

We’ve got tonight,
Who needs tomorrow,
Let’s make it laaaaast…
Let’s find a wayyy….

Turn out the light.
Come take my hand, Rob.
WE’VE GOT TONIIIIGGHT, babe.
Why don’t you stayyyyyy?

The article then goes on to point out that it was a party at [NAME REDACTED'S] house with other people around, but dammit, up ’til that point we thought Dienhart had the story of the year on his hands, or whatever other body part you want to imagine. (Mind bleach? Aisle six.) Oh, and [NAME REDACTED]’s thinking bowl games for the Illini, an absurd idea if Phil Steele wasn’t also saying the same. Where’s that mind bleach again?



Filed under: Big 10 Conference, College football, keep it gay, name redacted  by Orson Swindle

WHO’S NOW: TOM BRADY VERSUS GALACTUS.

The ESPN Who’s Now set fades into the screen. The camera prowls, because that’s what cameras at ESPN do when not locked onto a talking head: they move like panthers, dammit. On the left sits Stuart Scott. On the right sits John Krasinski, Megan Fox, Mike Greenberg, and the Silver Surfer, who floats three inches off his chair at all times.

Stuart Scott: The passion of sports. The hype. The gaze, if you will–it has all come down to this, the last round of our ESPN “Who’s Now” competition where we ask you who the most “NOW” athlete in the universe is. And we mean universe, people, because we’re getting intergalactic with a supernova bang tonight: Our number 2 seed, mah boy Tom Brady, cool as the other side of the pillow, going up against the biggest appetite in the galaxy, the original G, Galactus, Eater of Worlds. HOLLA!

With me, the sultry–and I mean, daaaaayum sultry–Megan Fox, a sports fan in her own right. What’s crackin, Ms. Fox?

Megan Fox: I like paste. It’s low-cal.

Stu: For shizzle, MF. And also here John Krasinski, who’s starring with the lady Fox in the upcoming movie Fatwa of the Bride. Holla at ya boy, JK.

John K: Um, yeah. Sure. (Turns head, raises eyebrows, stares with slight smirk at camera.)

Stu: How’d you get the cultural understanding to play a Palestinian American dentist who has to go back to Gaza Strip to marry his Jewish-American model/CIA agent of a wife?

John K.: Um…I went to Brown. (Turns head, raises eyebrows, stares with slight smirk at camera.) And Tim Allen does a great job playing the wacky Orthodox rabbi who makes it all work.

Stu: Educated, intelligent, and handsome all to boot. To the right: Mike Greenberg.

Mike G: Hello.

Stu: And finally, our smooth man to the right, someone who knows a bit about who we’re talking about today: the herald of Galactus, smooth Kelly Slater of the Stars, the Silver Surfer.

Surfer: ALL THAT YOU KNOW IS AT AN END.

Stu: Whoa. Intensity there.

Surfer: THANKS FOR HAVING ME ON YOUR SHOW, STUART SCOTT. MY PLEASURE. (more…)



Filed under: ESPN Hollywoodtainment!, media whoring  by Orson Swindle

A.M. BLOGTOBERFEST: SEC/BRENT SCHAEF-FAH EDITION

Your soundtrack this morning: the melodious sounds of Rammstein, saluting the sun like only German metal schlock gods can.

Brent Schae-fah, former insta-starter for the Ole Miss Rebels at quarterback, has lost the sheen one might instantly associate with a College of the Sequoias transfer and has been moved from qb to wide receiver. Orgeron admitted at SEC Media Days that guaranteeing Schaeffer the starting job coming out of junior college, where he’d spent a semester after getting the boot from Tennessee for beating the daylights out of a fellow student in a dorm…was a mistake.

Delta State transfer Seth Adams will get the start for the Rebels. Schaeffer will attempt to learn wideout and race Xavier Lee in the contest for biggest recruiting bust currently still enrolled in D-1 football.

In Starkganistan, Sylvester Croom had a succinct PR strategy ready to go after an abysmally hot and frustrating practice.

“Short conversation, gentlemen. There was nothing good at practice today. Any questions?”

Then, per his role as Black Wilford Brimley, he went off to eat some oatmeal and test his diabeetus before giving his close friend Black Robert Duvall a call.

Ike Whitaker, backup qb for Virginia Tech, is a bit of an overachiever. Not only is a D-1 athlete on scholarship, he’s done something it took us until our late 20s to acheive: becoming an alcoholic. We don’t really know if this is possible, since when we woke up with beer seeping from our pores in college, we merely rehydrated instead of going to meetings and getting angsty about the whole thing.

In all seriousness, we wish him luck. With a toast and a Velveeta-tinged “I Never Really Wanted To Coach Alabama” Slammer in hand.

Phil Trautwein, O-line stalwart for the Gators, committed the memory of last year’s championship to flesh in glorious black ink on his shoulder. He also has the memories of the 2005 Peach Bowl in ink, too, in the form of a tiny “WTF?” tattoed in his armpit.



Filed under: Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Southeastern Conference  by Orson Swindle

DAILY AFFIRMATION: DAY 23

The unstoppable advent of college football will mean pain for fifty percent of the people watching the game. And when that pain comes, some of us will be wearing jack-o-lanterns.

(HT to Paul, who dug up these photos of Clemson fans during the 2000 Georgia Tech/Clemson Halloween game. He’s also figured out exactly how UGA knew what Virginia Tech was going to run during last year’s Peach Bowl, too.)



Filed under: hope  by Orson Swindle

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