This panda fought Dan Hawkins. Bad idea, panda.

The news that college football may actually be jaunting over to China for a game is thrilling, simply thrilling. The possibilities of watching Dan Hawkins in the Middle Kingdom alone should make for comedy as he sincerely poses at Taoist/Confucianist temples and seriously attempts to fight the greeters at Shaolin Temple. (”I’M A CHAMPION!!! CHAMPIONS DO NOT MAKE JOKES! FIGHT ME, PAJAMA BOY!!!”)

We lived in and around China for a bit, and we’ve pondered the combination of football and Zhongguo on other sites. But let’s just imagine the possibilities for one more second, and not just for Boise State/Oregon, but for future matchups, too:

–Boise calls “statue of liberty” play, but running back Ian Johnson is flattened and killed by a PLA tank on the one yard line.

–Cal mascot Oski enjoys warm reception during first quarter, but is then stunned with repeated blows from a two-by-four and subjected to live intubation of his liver for his bile, a prized ingredient in Chinese medicine.

–Gary Barnett, now coaching for the Tennessee Volunteers ‘09, calls his new female kicker “terrible” and “a girl.” Chinese reporters nod in understanding silence and then ask why she wasn’t drowned at birth.

–Pete Carroll and the USC defense’s frequent blitzing and relentless attacking gain instant recognition from Chinese spectators, who recognize the patterns from any and all attempts to board crowded Chinese commuter trains.

–[NAME REDACTED] barefoot-water-skis on the dammed-up Yangtze river, winning Illinois important PR points in Sichuan. However, the bubble is burst as the boat rams and kills the last remaining Yangtze River dolphin. Toxic river goo also eats the flesh from the bottom of [REDACTED]’s feet, which he announces in the hospital as “getting better and better” with each day.

–Mike Leach, China-endorsed XO cognac, and a dark karaoke bar in Shanghai: this has to happen. We have to be there. Imagine the Bill Murray “More Than This” scene from Lost In Translation, but “funny” instead of “wrist-slittlingly sad.” We’d even make him wear the orange and blue camouflage shirt from the scene. Song choices for Coach Leach are more than welcome in the comments thread, though we lean toward “Anchors Aweigh.”

A respectable 20 rank in the Coaches’ Poll! A buzz-generating sighting of the Wildcat formation in fall practice, a formation that new offensive coordinator David Lee says he’s even expanded in his playbook! People forgetting the turmoil of the offseason until…until you get the sudden departure of offensive Colin Tucker from the team, a minor hiccup in the depth chart that should slide away from the reader somewhere around the bottom of the page.

Unless Tucker Sr. goes on a Rivals site and either drops a neutron bomb on anything and everything associated with the coaching staff–now that’s got itself some walkin’ legs, now.

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We bring you two great tastes that taste together: hope and mustaches. Not that Pitt fans display a lot of hope these days: they’re having such difficulty selling season tickets that if you purchase one full slate of seven games for $120, you can get a second set for just ten dollars. IT’S JUST THAT EASY!!! One operator named Dave Wannstedt standing by, drumming his fingers and looking for a new recruit to replace Pat Bostic and keep himself from telling trippy ghost stories about Ricky Williams to blue-chip qbs.

Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers!

We occasionally like to bring a feminine touch to the site, and not just by wearing the customary orange and blue panties and garter belt we blog in day in and day out. (Your breakfast just wound up on the keyboard. Again: we didn’t ask for these powers!)

The ladies from the appropriately named Ladies… took our challenge of stating their team of allegiance, creating a custom cocktail for each one of their teams, and then stating how many of each would get them a.) friendly, b.) fightin’, and c.) fuckin’.

Cocktails, Mr. O’Toole?

We give our own examples to lead off.

The Runnin’ Rhino, Florida. Take eight parts pure Vodka. Whoa, doctor, that’s some liquor. Temper with lime juice, a splash of tonic, and a whole bottle of Visine. Whoa, doctor, that’s something you’ll need a doctor for, since like the UF offense, you’ll be punching out sternums all day like Tony Jaa scoring points; and yet, like the potentially porous UF pass defense, you’ll be shitting away said advantage like a sick mink thanks to the visine.

Serve in coconut with loaded AK-47 as stirrer. An intoxicating and deadly brew, potentially! Or you can try…

The Morellitini, Penn State. Mix classic martini (2.5 oz gin/vodka, 0.5 oz vermouth) in shake with ice. Once the entire mixture has reached icy Pennsylvania winter temperatures, pour in martini glass and garnish with wedge of human brain. Immediately throw entire mixture over shoulder, onto shirt, over head, directly at someone else…just make sure that it goes nowhere near the intended target half the time you throw it.

Orson cruising ratings on all:

Friendly drunk: two drinks.

Drunk: four drinks.

Fightin’ drunk: 25 drinks. That’s an exact number.

“Compliant”: 0 drinks. (Only in hypothetical arena of sexual possibility, honey! But yes, we’re male, and therefore a complete slut, alcohol or no. One very married slut who looks like Dwight Schrute, which helps with the whole “remaining married” thing.)

And now…the Ladies present their cocktails for 2007.

The Starter Wife’s “Matt Leinart’s Who Needs A Trojan When You Can Ride It Bareback”
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Lamarcus Coker, Tennessee Vols starting tailback and alleged savior of the Tennessee run game, will only be running stadium stairs for the immediate future as he has been suspended indefinitely by Phil Fulmer for violating the team substance abuse policy.

Yes, go ahead and play this during the rest of the piece. We’re Florida fans. We know from pot-smoking athletes of astonishing ability. Plus the protagonist is named Smokey, a name Tennessee fans feel great affection for already.

Sadly, as indicated by the Rick James soundtrack above, Coker allegedly did not live up to his name by being caught with his snoot in a furrow of fine Peruvian pep powder, but rather by reportedly being caught generic weed, which at Florida would earn him a tidy suspension for the Cal game at best. Coker’s not helped by being a multiple offender at this point (it’s his second drug-related offense,) or by his being the test case for Tennessee’s new drug policy. The policy gives athletes extra “strike” counts, increasing from three to four, but makes those reinstatements a more arduous process, including mandatory counseling sessions and the like.

So Coker’s likely not shot the Vols’ entire season in the foot with the finest of Cletus’s turkey-killin’ blunderbusses…yet. He is suspended indefinitely, a punishment which Urban Meyer called “harsh.” That suspension could easily be lifted in time for substantial playing time, we think, given the rules in place. The really humorous part: Fulmer initially announced Coker’s absence as the result of a “medical condition,” which plan to break in as soon as possible in our day job.

Boss: So you’re not coming to work.
OS: No, it’s a medical thing.
Boss: What kind of medical thing?
OS: The kind that makes Widespread Panic sound reaaaaaaaaaaal good right now, actually. (COUGH)

In the meantime, like Smokey, Coker ain’t got shit else to do. We suggest he beat up neighborhood ruffian Deebo with a brick to boost his status and help redeem himself in the eyes of the community. And by “Deebo,” we mean “Phil Fulmer.” Trust us–we have no ulterior motives whatsoever.