PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO SPEAK WITH COACH FULMER

by Orson on Aug 6, 2007 2:33 PM EDT

Damn right I want four Tequizas. Now.

In looking for signs that Phil Fulmer is guaranteed job security for life, we lean on Mark Bradley suggesting that he's going to be fired in the first week of December. A sportswriter going on the record with that kind of certainty is like having the CIA pronounce a country as "stable" and "bound for prosperity," meaning that it's seconds away from bursting into flames and becoming thirty different countries all ending in "--stan."

Yet for those looking for signs of impending doom, you can either monitor the sales of batter fried porterhouse calzones at Calhoun's ("Eat the Whole Thing, And We'll Throw Your Dead Body in the Tennessee River Free Of Charge!") or just rely on the fact that satire has brought you the Talking Fulmer. If fire[nameredacted].com is any indicator of sites devoted to mocking coaches, Fulmer's days are numbered like the calories in a package of pork rinds, though nowhere near as numerous.

(HT: Angry 'Eer from LWS.)

PS. Because we're doing little more than just sitting on ass today (our own, of course,) we'll be live-blogging the College Football Live show on ESPN today. You have been warned.

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Good at what? Sitting on ass?

by irishoutsider on Aug 6, 2007 2:39 PM EDT reply actions

Fulmer is the king of sitting on ass. Orson, I know Fulmer. I’ve partied with Fulmer. I’ve deep-fried a gorilla and dipped it in an above-ground pool filled with chili con queso with Fulmer. You sir, are no Fulmer.

by NoleinTexas on Aug 6, 2007 2:58 PM EDT reply actions

NoleinTexas:

Coach Mangino is intrigued by your ideas and wishes to subscribe to your newsletter.

by Orangeblood on Aug 6, 2007 3:03 PM EDT reply actions

You can catch a mean case of the SIV from deep-fried gorilla.

by Brian on Aug 6, 2007 3:16 PM EDT reply actions

Hey guys, I have interesting lead for a humorous college football story.

You know how some coaches like to stress the ‘team’ element by instituting some cheezy saying or eliminating names from the backs of uni’s?… Well It seems that Doug Martin, Head Coach at Kent State, has gone to an entirely new level by banning an actual peice of equipment.

Yes! Protective visors will be banned from Kent State facemasks this year to show that the Golden Flashes aren’t falshy team, but a blue collar hard working team.

I for one support his decision, football has become too ‘Hollywood’ with all of these marginal accessories like visors, helmets and shoulder pads!

anyway if anyone’s interested, look for a source on that and write up somethin’ funny.

by Steve (Ohio State) on Aug 6, 2007 3:44 PM EDT reply actions

Orson, scuttlebutt is that the Knoxvega$ city council is considering chainging its name to Knoxistan at next week’s meeting.

by yoyofutbawl on Aug 6, 2007 7:32 PM EDT reply actions

Geeesh Orson,

I thought my scientific proof that Tennessee is 87% over-rated would have been picked up by know. What going on?

by Robnosticator on Aug 6, 2007 9:27 PM EDT reply actions

sigh

by Holly on Aug 6, 2007 10:29 PM EDT reply actions

eric y:
Sammie, check this out:
http://www.phillipfulmer.com/

jay whitlow: dude, you know he’s a big K fan – not a Tbone.

eric y: whatever.

jay whitlow and
eric y

by eric y on Aug 7, 2007 9:41 AM EDT reply actions

If you weren’t so well versed in football and, evidently, the intricate mating dance that is football in Knoxville- I would be pissed and rightly so. But Fulmer is actually fat and seems to only gain in circumference during the long college football season. As a long time Vol fan I will let you in on one very well kept secret re: Mr. Fulmer. He is dumb and were it not for David Cutcliff and John Chavis he would be coaching a very fine team at Powell High School.

by RockyTop on Aug 7, 2007 10:14 PM EDT reply actions