The full–and we mean really, really full–Fulmer Cup report comes later today. But we must pre-empt and give you this amuse bouche from the blotter in South Bend, Indiana, where there actually are prostitutes.

Derrell Hand, 20, a University of Notre Dame defensive end/nose tackle, was arrested and jailed Thursday afternoon for allegedly propositioning a prostitute.

Hand, who was suspended indefinitely from the team Friday, was released from the St. Joseph County Jail on $250 bond Thursday.


Go pimp one for the gipper, nurse. He’s fading.

Hand was picked up as part of a sting operation by the South Bend police department. His defense should be that he merely speaks like that to not only every woman he meets, but every man, as well, as part of an undiagnosed Tourette’s tic.

Judge: How do you plead, defendant?

Hand: Ho, you know how we do. Payin’ to play, want it today, cash on the way whaddya say?

Judge: One more outburst like that and you’ll be found in contempt of court, Mr. Hand.

Hand: Whateva, trick, fat dick that’s sick gotta spit one quick before I flip. How much?

We’d call it Irvin syndrome if we hadn’t cried like a pussy watching the Playmaker get inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame and ask his wife and kids for forgiveness for being a less than perfect father. (Sniff.) Hand should just go ahead, transfer to BYU, get a DWC in Provo, and therefore unify the “inadvisable crime to commit at religious college” title belts.