FLORIDA TO MOVE TO BIG TEN! NEW COACH: SASQUATCH!
Florida to the Big Ten! Sasquatch!
This is…this is just fucktarded. Just Darwin award dumb. Like, Oscar Davenport Wonderlic dumb. The kind of dumb that you’re afraid to even shake hands with, lest it prove contagious.
From David Jones at PennLive.
And former Big 12 commissioner Kevin Weiberg’s recent move to the Big Ten Network only adds to the intrigue. He knows about Texas’ TV clout better than anyone.
Texas in the Big 10! It’s a done deal! How this happened earlier we’ll never know, with only geography, history, demographics, and other “facts” getting in the way of this arrangement. But wait! There’s more ether left in the can. (HHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUFFFFFFFFFF.)
And if not Texas, stay south. Florida? It’s by no means out of the realistic realm. More snowbirds are from the Midwest than any other area. Think UF wouldn’t move? Think again.
First off, snowbirds are from New York. Long Island South takes great offense at this. Play “Piano Man” in an oldish bar in Tampa and watch the wrinkled, sunburnt elbows sway in drunken unison. There’s plenty of midwesterners, sure, but they’re in Orlando, fearful of that “water” shit surrounding the coasts.
Second, Florida would leave the SEC, but only if coached by Sasquatch. He’s an Oregon grad, though, and likely to wander West for his dream job in a few years, and therefore not a good investment. However! If the Gnomes of Zurich collaborate with the Cult of Cthulu and place enough leverage on the Masons, then just maybe fellow Druid cult leader Jim Delany could wedge fellow sacrifice cult leader Jeremy Foley into it. Let’s just hope the Elders of Zion don’t object!
We could do this all day, really. Rutgers to join League of Nations! USC to leave Pac-10 for the Bundesliga! Michigan to join DEI Racing! Don’t think it’ll happen? (Where’s my bullshit rhetorical device of the day…ah, there it is.) THINK AGAIN!!!
If this column were any dumber, we’d have to keep it inside during rainstorms to keep it from drowning as it looked up. (HT: Brian.)
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51
Craig Barker (Yostal) says:
You know what I always love about conference realignment chatter is when they forget to do the math on travel costs for non-revenue sports.
Sure, Iowa City is only 1,000 miles, give or take from Austin, State College is only 1,500 miles from Austin (by comparison, Iowa City to State College is about 800 miles and about 900 miles to Syracuse).
I love Austin as a city and have enjoyed it every time I have been there. I’d love to have them in the Big Ten, but I’d also like several million dollars tax-free and a girlfriend that looks like Rachel Specter. I don’t see either one happening in this lifetime.
July 31st, 2007 at 1:13 pm
52
YMB says:
By the way, here in Florida, Sasquatch prefers to be called Skunk Ape
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skunk_ape
July 31st, 2007 at 1:23 pm
53
tzubear says:
That settles it. Next year will revert back to the old #1 Big-10 team vs. #1 Pac-10 team Rose bowl match up, for that year only. Winner gets the Longhorns in thier league. More to the point, winner gets a hot cheer squad in chaps.
July 31st, 2007 at 1:30 pm
54
Scalz1 says:
Ah yes, the reviled Skunk Ape. Where I live, Titusville(read: twilight zone), the city actually instructed the wildlife control officer(read:Gator catcher) to search a wooded area for said ferocious beast.
July 31st, 2007 at 1:35 pm
55
Meg says:
You shouldn’t mess with Sasquatch…unless you are eating beef jerky.
July 31st, 2007 at 1:46 pm
56
tOSU_radar says:
MILF suggestion #2: Catherine Zeta-Jones
And to continue the Messin’ With Sasquatch thread:
http://www.messinwithsasquatch.com/
July 31st, 2007 at 2:08 pm
57
Mr. Wrong says:
“In Search Of…Sasquatch
That was a kick-ass In Search Of…
With Leonard NiiiiiiMoy
Kickin’ out the ja-aams”
July 31st, 2007 at 2:22 pm
58
M1EK says:
I went to PSU and lived on both coasts of Florida, and my sister went to UF.
West coast = Midwestern snowbirds. Your Tampa crack is just total BS. Ohio, Michigan, Illini retirees out the wazoo.
The east coast (southeast) is exactly like Seinfeld portrayed it. Del Boca Vista uber alles.
UF’s all the way up in Gainseville, i.e., in the middle of redneck country, and neither batch of snowbirds gives a crap about UF, but I suppose the ones from Tampa might drive up for a game, and there’s still a huge PSU alumni walking-dead contingent in South Florida which might watch on TV. Big deal – that’s worth about a buck fifty economically speaking, since UF already makes about as much money as a Big Ten school does, and as noted, they don’t have to send the lacrosse team 18,000 miles a year to do it.
July 31st, 2007 at 2:24 pm
59
Big Ten Joe says:
Hailing from the Land of 10,000(+) Lakes, I have to take umbrage at the suggestion that Midwesterners–at least of the Minnesotan variety–have less familiarity with water than Floridians. I feel compelled to point out that Minnesota has more shoreline than Florida, California, and Hawaii combined. It is the birthplace of the Mississippi River (Itasca) as well as water skiing. It is home to the largest water-based national park (Voyageurs National Park), and the world-famous Boundary Waters Canoe Area. We have more recreational boats per capita than any other state, about one for every six people (although I have seen similar claims by Arizonans, so maybe Minnesota is second now, or maybe the Arizona folks are including non-recreational watercraft). I know Michigan and Wisconsin have lots of water too. So, bottom line, is Midwesterners (or at least Minnesotans) = aquajunkies.
See Minnesota Fast Facts and Trivia for more tidbits.
Papa Lou BSU is right. Miami and Tampa may be full of New Yorkers, but Naples and Fort Myers at least are major outposts for well-heeled refugees from the Twin Cities, Chicago, and Detroit (well, suburban Detroit, anyway). There are a fair number of Minnesota businesses (grocery stores, restaurants, banks and investment firms) that have only one location outside of the Twin Cities, that being in Naples. If they have a third location, it’s in Scottsdale, AZ.
July 31st, 2007 at 2:40 pm
60
Judge says:
#53..Twilight Zone…The Movie: Crazy-shoot-up-a-plane Lithgow. In the original Shatner episode, that plane critter looked a bit like the Skunk-Ape…..maybe that’s where he originally came from….THE MOON!
July 31st, 2007 at 2:43 pm
61
Big Ten Joe says:
Hailing from the Land of 10,000(+) Lakes, I have to take umbrage at the suggestion that Midwesterners (or at least those of the Minnesotan variety) are unfamiliar with water. I would like to point out that Minnesota has more shoreline than Florida, California, and Hawaii combined, and Wisconsin and Michigan can make similar claims. Minnesota is the birthplace of the Mississippi River (Itasca) as well as waterskiing. It is home to the largest water-based national park in the U.S. (Voyageurs National Park) and the world-famous Boundary Waters Canoe Area. Minnesotans also have more recreational boats per capita than any other state, about one for every six people (I have read that Arizona claims to have the most boats per person too, so maybe Minnesota is now second, or maybe Arizonans are counting non-recreational watercraft too). In any event, Minnesotans = aquajunkies.
Also, Papa Lou BSU is right. Miami is full of New York snowbirds, but from what I know Naples, Fort Meyers, and Sanibel Island are primarily outposts for well-heeled refugees from Big Ten country, especially the Twin Cities, Chicago, and Detroit (well, suburban Detroit, anyway). There are a number of business from Minnesota (restaurants, at least one upscale grocery store, banks, investment firms) that have only one location outside of the Twin Cities–that being in Naples or Sanibel Island. If they have a third location, it’s in Scottsdale, AZ.
See, e.g.,
Jerry’s Foods (http://www.jerrysfoods.com/Store/StoreHome.aspx)
Lowry Hill
(http://www.lowryhill.com/profile/profile.htm)
D’Amico & Sons (http://www.damicoandsons.com/frame.asp?s=location)
Campiello (http://www.campiello.damico.com/)
July 31st, 2007 at 3:05 pm
62
gerry dorsey says:
#56
excellent tenacious d reference.
July 31st, 2007 at 3:16 pm
63
Palouse says:
Minnesota pride! That’s just great, but it’s still freezing there in winter.
July 31st, 2007 at 3:38 pm
64
ESMjr. says:
M1EK:
and those of us from “redneck country” are still hoping the bottom half of the state drops into the sea, taking you and all your midwestern/yankee bluehair friends and relatives with it.
curse you, henry flagler!
July 31st, 2007 at 3:38 pm
65
DevilGrad says:
I guess Dave Barry said it best when he observed that “happiness is one hundred thousand Canadians heading home — with an Ohioan under each arm.”
July 31st, 2007 at 4:44 pm