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Do you have enough plastic sheeting? It’s an essential part of your family’s preparedness for college football season with many uses: makeshift tailgating shelter, sturdy foodwrap, and a handy sanitary flooring you may put around your vomit perimeter during those long buildups to night games.

Just another reminder from the Department of Homeland Security, who reminds you cheerfully that any instant, someone is thinking about vaporizing you and everything you know and love. Be vigilant. Be concerned. And be happy.


You’re totally going to fucking die.

In addition to the plastic sheeting reminder, we’d like to introduce our attempt to keep America vigilant about the skin condition of a national treasure, Lee Corso. Remember that with variations of outdoor lighting and makeup, Corso’s actual skin tone may vary, but the rules are the same: as it gets either darker or more unnaturally bright, we as a nation should be more and more alarmed for his safety.

Today’s rating: Apricot Stay strong, America. With sunscreen and plastic sheeting, victory will be ours.

Serious thanks to Peter for the graphics.