THE LEE CORSO SKIN TONE WATCH

by Orson on Jul 30, 2007 1:27 PM EDT

Do you have enough plastic sheeting? It's an essential part of your family's preparedness for college football season with many uses: makeshift tailgating shelter, sturdy foodwrap, and a handy sanitary flooring you may put around your vomit perimeter during those long buildups to night games.

Just another reminder from the Department of Homeland Security, who reminds you cheerfully that any instant, someone is thinking about vaporizing you and everything you know and love. Be vigilant. Be concerned. And be happy.

You're totally going to fucking die.

In addition to the plastic sheeting reminder, we'd like to introduce our attempt to keep America vigilant about the skin condition of a national treasure, Lee Corso. Remember that with variations of outdoor lighting and makeup, Corso's actual skin tone may vary, but the rules are the same: as it gets either darker or more unnaturally bright, we as a nation should be more and more alarmed for his safety.

Today's rating: Apricot Stay strong, America. With sunscreen and plastic sheeting, victory will be ours.

Serious thanks to Peter for the graphics.

Tweet Comment 36 comments | 0 recs |

Do you like this story?

Comments

I think I’m being fired for having an image of Lee Corso in sexy boudoir photo on my computer.

Yep, this absolutely violates the terms & conditions of my employment.

by Rival on Jul 30, 2007 1:30 PM EDT reply actions

Thanks, now I have to spend the next 5 minutes speedviewing porn to get the Lee-as-Burt picture out of my head.

The bleach, it does not work.

by PJ from NU in SF on Jul 30, 2007 1:33 PM EDT reply actions

Agreed with #’s 1 and 2. You now undoubtedly owe us a MILF Tuesday posting as restitution.

by Aerobab on Jul 30, 2007 1:47 PM EDT reply actions

Re: 1,2,& 3

Also, Michael Chertoff kinda looks like a penis.

by PW on Jul 30, 2007 1:53 PM EDT reply actions

Where does it put me on the homosexual alert watch that I know that picture is actually Burt Reynolds?

by jebushchrist on Jul 30, 2007 2:01 PM EDT reply actions

Jesus, Orson, that’s the last time I load up this site while on the phone with a VIP (admittedly, I should be paying attention to these sorts of phone conversations at work rather than loading up CFB sites). I almost burst out laughing in the VIP’s ear when I read the Chertoff caption…

by Kahuna on Jul 30, 2007 2:06 PM EDT reply actions

That’s a cigarette in his mouth, right?

by Brian on Jul 30, 2007 2:08 PM EDT reply actions

Jebus-

It just puts you in the group with all the other straight men who read Cosmopolitan on the down low.

Don’t lie, y’all. We women know when you’ve been reading; you start dropping ridiculous hints about this issue’s “WOW HOT STUFF MAKE HIM MARRY YOU HOTT XX SEXX TRICK WOO WOO DIAMONDS CARS CHILD SUPPORT SEXX NEVER WORK AGAIN!!!!!” all over the place and asking us to wear thongs.

On a side note, who knew a magazine could become so successful by advising women to stick their finger in a man’s ass?

by The Conscience of a Nation on Jul 30, 2007 2:10 PM EDT reply actions

And don’t EVEN say it’s the same thing as girls reading Maxim; it just ain’t.

by Holly on Jul 30, 2007 2:13 PM EDT reply actions

But, but… I NEED to know the latest sex trick we’re all secretly doing…I have a thing for Yoga instructors, and they’re ALWAYS super-advanced

by Mr. Wrong on Jul 30, 2007 2:21 PM EDT reply actions

Wait….she MEANT to put her finger there???

Sigh…..

by sandman227 on Jul 30, 2007 2:21 PM EDT reply actions

Some of us are just secure enough to flip through that Cosmo while taking a poo. And then we spend a couple of hours on a Sunday at the man spa and buying some things from Lush.

I need to go cut something down or blow something up.

by Jerkwheat on Jul 30, 2007 2:23 PM EDT reply actions

Lush is entirely more acceptable. Even encouraged. Except for the bath bombs. Only one of us is coming to bed covered in hooneysuckle-scented glitter, and I have a sneaking hunch it’s gonna be me.

by Holly on Jul 30, 2007 2:26 PM EDT reply actions

Yeesh. Can I get a “comment edit” button?

by Holly on Jul 30, 2007 2:27 PM EDT reply actions

The husband/wife swindle team of disturbing things i cannot unread.

by babaoje on Jul 30, 2007 2:28 PM EDT reply actions

wait, TCOAN, when did they suggest that? That seems a bit out there, even for them.

Plus, Cosmo has pics of hot chicks, so it essentially is the same as Maxim. Except for the breast cancer exam articles. And the clearly inferior writing.

by Wooderson on Jul 30, 2007 2:29 PM EDT reply actions

Wooderson—holy hell, it’s in like every other issue as “the trick to get him HOTTT!!!”

by Orson Swindle on Jul 30, 2007 2:33 PM EDT reply actions

Tangelo. Hilarious.

by Ryan on Jul 30, 2007 2:35 PM EDT reply actions

Herbalism folks. It’ll keep your face all nice and purty so that you can be a Corso-level sexasaurus.

by Jerkwheat on Jul 30, 2007 2:39 PM EDT reply actions

THAT’S why you can’t see parts of Bob Davie when he stands right next to Bevo!! Thanks guys.

by beast in 'bama on Jul 30, 2007 2:46 PM EDT reply actions

The scariest part is that Cosmo’s sex tips are half ninja-level moves, and half “What Every Woman Must Know: You Have THREE Holes DOWN THERE!!!!” stuff that kids should know by the time they’re ten.

by The Conscience of a Nation on Jul 30, 2007 2:46 PM EDT reply actions

I also learned all the ninja moves by the time I was ten thanks to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

by babaoje on Jul 30, 2007 2:52 PM EDT reply actions

Why did I start this?

by jebushchrist on Jul 30, 2007 2:56 PM EDT reply actions

Jay come on, give the man a break! Whitlow stop all this about “it should be pink” rather than apricot. Can’t you leave it alone for one day? If it’s such a problem go with CNN rather than ESPN.
jay whitlow
eric y

by eric y on Jul 30, 2007 3:00 PM EDT reply actions

Jebus—I knew it was Burt, too. But that’s because the last Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue had a huge fold out ad for HD with this picture. Yep…you’re just flippin through, lookin for some bunda in a swimsuit, and SI puts an ad featuring Burt nekkid on a rug. Unfair, to say the least.

Also, if I ever write a book, I think I’ll title it "WOW HOT STUFF MAKE HIM MARRY YOU HOTT XX SEXX TRICK WOO WOO DIAMONDS CARS CHILD SUPPORT SEXX NEVER WORK AGAIN!!!!!"

by RaginCajunRebel on Jul 30, 2007 3:06 PM EDT reply actions