SEC Media Days, the rootin’-est, tootin’-est, shootin’-est conflagration of 400 pound sportswriters and the coaches who loathe them in the nation. The updates from the boots on the ground:

Chris Vernon says…”elastic waistbands are in at media days, in fact, I feel weird that I have a belt on. A conservative estimate would put the combined weight of most radio teams at 550-650 lbs.”

The Tide Sports Blog has evidence that Alabama sportswriter Kevin Scarbinsky is dressing like Bumpy from Shaft.

It moved! Saban just arriving in the building is news in Alabama.

Bobby Johnson, like Steve Martin in so many ways. The Vandy coach answered a question about text messaging by sending a quick text message as a reply, then said that he actually had a problem with text messages since they distracted students when they were in class. Urban Meyer then suggested Johnson hike his skirt up if text messaging blew his slip up the wrong way OMG LOL.

True to form, softball questions reigned. So actual children were left to ask the difficult questions to Nick Saban:

After a reporter from Huntsville asked Saban about the suits he wears, Dawson Wade, 9 of Vestavia, spoke up, asking Saban about Alabama’s difficulty scoring in the red zone last year and how to fix it. Grateful to be answering questions about football rather than his wardrobe or the spectacle of his arrival at Alabama, Saban gave a thoughtful, composed response.

Hold on…something seems awry there…

Grateful to be answering questions about football rather than his wardrobe or the spectacle of his arrival at Alabama, Saban gave a thoughtful, composed response before incinerating the impudent rapscallions with his Custom Bear Bryant Brand Flamethrower With Real Bryant Head Flame Spigot.

That sounds better.

Earl Bennett, optimist. Earl Bennett wants a holographic panther loyal only to him. He wants a gun that shoots exploding pit bulls at 950 feet per second. He also wants to make love to Jessica Biel in front of a live studio audience.

Oh, and he thinks Vandy can get to a BCS bowl game.

“We are thinking BCS bowl,” Bennett said. “That’s what we’ve been talking about. We are working hard to do that. We believe we can do that.” …

We believe we will kick the first discouraging evil Disney character we see in the balls during the Disney Marathon, too. But after 12 miles of running, it’s likely not happening.

Orgeron? No detectable smell of burning gunpowder and cooked flesh yet. He’s scheduled for tomorrow. Do not attempt to chest bump him.

Pay no attention to your seismographs… Sylvester Croom is set to speak later today, so what you’re feeling is not an earthquake, but rather Croom’s voice, which makes Barry White sound like a mincing prissy rent boy squeaking through the Johnny Mathis catalog.