DO NOT EXPLAIN THE PLOT: WHAT WE DO HERE
by Orson on Jul 24, 2007 3:33 PM EDT
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PrintKyle's got us requoting Susan Sontag in reaction to a piece of his. We swear it's pertinent:
In place of a hermeneutics we need an erotics of art.
Sontag basically says here that when talking about art (not science) you need worry less about how to interpret things, but more about wondering about the pulleys and levers involved in what makes a particular painting, book, movie, or in our instance, Youtube clip of a man crashing his bike into a brick wall so effective. Ditto for any and all discussion we want to participate in about the world of blogs and the mainstream media.
That spinning sound you hear? That's Sontag in her grave.
(Again, please, put down the lighter and gas can. This won't be long.)
We're only concerned about what we find interesting in college football, and seek to write about it.
This necessarily drags in skeins of other things we happen to be interested in, since our brain is a great, sticky mess that holds on to everything it sees, important or unimportant. Some of it's quite silly. Some of it's not. All of it is on the market of ideas, and it's for sale in the form of traffic and your eyeballs scanning ads.
We don't exist, however, as an attempt to replace ESPN, or even revile it with any sense of mission or purpose. ESPN's current status can be phrased in a number of ways:
Corporatespeak: ESPN is a overcapitalized entity that has lost its core audience and overdiversified its products to the point of being all things to all people, and thus nothing.
Orsonspeak: Like Kobe Tai, ESPN sucks whether we're watching it or not.
They have to know this is a problem. Versus is already riding their ass as an upstart competitor bent on presenting programming currently unavailable on ESPN, snatching up much of the charismatic fluff ESPN built their bones on: professional bull riding, the Tour de France, the growing world of mixed martial arts. Yea, a competitor rises, and they're doing what ESPN has ceased to do: put good food on the plate. They're small potatoes now, but so where the protorats that replaced the dinosaurs as the dominant form of life on this planet.
Yet, this site--and almost all other blogs, we guess--don't exist to be that kind of aggressive, inclusive corporate entity that a network would be. The wonderful and scary thing about the online world is what we'll call its "open exclusivity:" the ability of people to choose their own communities based on their own reaction to content. We never intend to explain or slowdown (though an EDSBS glossary might be in order--we've lost track of some of the running jokes.)
That openness can be frightening. There's places on the internet (cough Rotten.com cough) we fear to tread, mostly because we don't like seeing human hamburger smeared across highways. But that's their discourse, and if it doesn't pollute my stream, then fine--it's a wide open veldt of possibility. That's a lot for someone to really accept in practice, since it implies no essential authority and a lot of work and responsibility (relatively speaking) for the user. It also means there's no sheriff, and you'll need to carry your own gun into a new and strange town, cowboy.
Thus the intellectual shortcut leading to some polar conviction that blogs (as if we were uniform and operating with the same communities) have to have some golden, perfect policy stance vis-a-vis ESPN or "the mainstream media." That does not have to be the case. We hate 80 percent of what's on the network now, because they've confused their forms of entertainment. No one wants their kabuki diluted with vaudeville, and yet ESPN figures muddying the waters of compelling sports program with movie tie-ins, "original programming," and "Who's Now" will escape notice from the viewing public. In theory, it's akin to having someone slip a chicken nugget into your McRib because "you're trying to promote the chicken nuggets" when all you wanted was a savory, undoubtedly carcinogenic McRib.
So as much as we respect Kyle's opinions on the terror that is ESPN, it's beside the point for us. The point is sharing passion, building a completely voluntary community of people just as odd and obsessed as we are about college football and sodomy jokes, and a chance to let the little Mr Toad in our head go on a wild ride each day and watch the sparks when the wheels fall off the whole thing. (Which happens at precisely 2:45 p.m. on the dot. You can time it.) ESPN, aside from getting out of the way and televising games, has little to do with that besides the growing alienation fans feel watching the network. It is just one of the things driving people online for commentary and community.
Therefore: We want no theory (hermeneutics), no authority, no fences, no pundits. There's only enthusiasts, data, material, associations, and what is made of it. The rest is just rehashing and doing what other, slower people have done before, which ESPN and many, many other venues are just dandy at doing. We can't take their job, and never will.
For us, there's only interest. And if our interests don't match yours, then please re-examine our thesis statement, presented helpfully by Mastodon and the producers of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
Do not explain the plot. Don't like it--walk out. Them's the only rules here. Otherwise, you'll get headbutted and sung to within an inch of your life.
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I can honestly and truly say this…
I think I can make out her right nipple.
Great prose, Orson.
by Whitey on Jul 24, 2007 3:41 PM EDT reply actions
WOOOO Upper East Side Lesbian New Wave Intellectual Liberal Literary Critic Francophile Cheesecake!
by Orson Swindle on Jul 24, 2007 3:43 PM EDT reply actions
Fridays : Cheesecake :: Tuesdays : Vegan cranberry bread
by Holly on Jul 24, 2007 3:48 PM EDT reply actions
Well done, sir.
Now can we get back to making jokes about the gastrointestinal and legal foibles of one Charles Weis?
by PeteJayhawk on Jul 24, 2007 3:49 PM EDT reply actions
holy shit that’s funny.
for the record i can still remember when wednesdays were “mustache wednesdays.”
aaaahhh the good old days.
by gerry dorsey on Jul 24, 2007 3:52 PM EDT reply actions
Each week I get a ESPN magazine and each week it goes straight to the trash. Fucking worthless bunch of shit.
The beginning of idiocracy.
by Bonghit Gator on Jul 24, 2007 3:54 PM EDT reply actions
According to a College Football Live graphic, Oklahoma won the Big Ten (11) last year.
The head of the Sweatervest Mafia will be dropping by in a matter of minutes.
I think Corso is rubbing Herbie’s thigh. This show blows.
by Jorgé the Bass Player on Jul 24, 2007 3:55 PM EDT reply actions
thanks orson, now i’m having flashbacks of having the joy that is ricoeur and heidegger forced down my throat via a phenomonology-obsessed alcolyte i had the misfortune to sign up for a class with. i hoping like holy hell your manefesto also prohibits “the reflective study of the essence of consciousness.”
of course isn’t all this high-falutin talk on your part just an excuse to be as snarky as you wanna be – boojums be damned?
by kleph on Jul 24, 2007 3:56 PM EDT reply actions
It’s our fault ESPN got the way it is, we watched PTI, and Rome is Burning, and even Around the Horn, where the guy gives literal talking heads points with a bunch of joysticks (who came up with that shit anyway?). This is the adult version of that child.
by Brian on Jul 24, 2007 3:57 PM EDT reply actions
What’s the purpose of airing a college football show at 2 in the afternoon anyway, when everybody is at work? Are they scared of showing something other than Yankees vs. Red Sox #78947289 in the evenings?
by Rob on Jul 24, 2007 3:57 PM EDT reply actions
Nipple? What?
….aww yeah. Definitely.
Orson, I suspect (or at the very least hope) that nobody is expecting your blog to replace ESPN in any material fashion. 95% of the content requests seem to be for Latin women with shiny asses and small aquatic wear. Inasmuch as you’re quite assuredly independent from ESPN (in content, if not scope), most of what you’ve written ought to go without saying.
by Oops Pow Surprise on Jul 24, 2007 4:00 PM EDT reply actions
The McRib with a McNugget tucked inside – officially the next item on the Penn State Frying For Dummies agenda.
by Allahver Fist on Jul 24, 2007 4:00 PM EDT reply actions
Great post. You’ve been able to state with clarity a unifying motivation among not just college football blogs, but indeed blogs the world over. THIS is the new free market of ideas: not faceless commercialized corporate whores but mercenaries of the self-evident and simple passions that lie at the heart of all our hobbies and interests. The little things that make life worth living; Like those first few steps into a smokin’-hot co-ed’s dormroom orwatching your team come from behind in the 4th from the shitty seats with a whiskey buzz. You Orson reflect upon such a like joy as college without pretension and need to unravel and deconstruct it. Rather run the bathwater, later up, and sink wholly and completely into that steaming, soothing bath of sweetness that is college football.
Thank you Orson.
And yes, fuck Auburn.
by Hook'em Tide on Jul 24, 2007 4:02 PM EDT reply actions
um, thats “college football” and “LATHER” not later. I’m still retarded.
by Hook'em Tide on Jul 24, 2007 4:05 PM EDT reply actions
“I find it ironic that some bloggers are complaining about the direction of ESPN when many blogs are trying to capitalize with similar efforts. How many blogs trade in sleazy rumors, or get an 8th-grade kick out of saying the F word, or find it appropriate to put up pictures of cheesecake to move traffic? How many think it’s cool to leer over Tim Tebow’s girlfriend? How many are no less irreverent than your average Sports Center anchor? How many think they are the next Bill Simmons?” – HeismanPundit, a man too smart to be funny
by John on Jul 24, 2007 4:11 PM EDT reply actions
Some kid on College Football Live just said that Maryland is the team to beat this year because Clinton Portis’ brother Josh Portis is one of their QBs.
by PW on Jul 24, 2007 4:12 PM EDT reply actions
just because they’re black, that means they’re “brothers” I guess
by PW on Jul 24, 2007 4:13 PM EDT reply actions
“though an EDSBS glossary might be in order–we’ve lost track of some of the running jokes.”
I second the motion. Let us be inclusive to newcomers. If more swag gets sold, well, thats good too.
by tzubear on Jul 24, 2007 4:17 PM EDT reply actions
Cut the shit. Where are the 4 questions? I’ve got time to listen live tonight (for once). Hopefully if I make it through on the phone I won’t be too drunk to hear/follow the show/chat in real-time instead of on the 8-second Shiner Bock delay.
by RedDevilEA on Jul 24, 2007 4:24 PM EDT reply actions
Kobe Tai? Given the nature of this post, I believe a nod to Berkley-grad, Mensa-member Asia Carera would be more apropos.
I know way too much about Asian pornstars who had their heydays in the mid-90s.
by Otm Shank on Jul 24, 2007 4:25 PM EDT reply actions
- - That guy was quite off; Josh is Clinton’s cousin. Anyway, let’s all laugh at him if/when Rutgers beats Maryland.
Also, I dig the guitar solo…and the overall point of the post. I don’t see how a blog can replace broadcasting; though as Brian alluded to HeismanPundit, some try anyhow.
by John F on Jul 24, 2007 4:25 PM EDT reply actions
I miss Australian Rules Football. That was (is) probably the greatest show on earth, I think – well, until they replaced the officials’ fedoras. “At’s a maak!” yes, and it will leave one as well.
by PSUgirl on Jul 24, 2007 4:26 PM EDT reply actions
Wait, ESPN sucks? What about the “Who’s Now” bit? That sure is strong!
by King Harvest on Jul 24, 2007 4:27 PM EDT reply actions
…sweet mother of mercy, speaking of ESPN, I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS STILL GOING.
by Holly on Jul 24, 2007 4:34 PM EDT reply actions
On the very rare occasions when I read a Heismanpundit piece, I get the same queasy, sick feeling I do when I look over the love poems I wrote when I was 13: the vertigo of viewing simplistic, naive, and unconsciously patronizing claptrap from the tops of $5 words used just a hair incorrectly.
by The Conscience of a Nation on Jul 24, 2007 4:35 PM EDT reply actions
Holly:
Are you fucking kidding me?! 1300+???
by Oops Pow Surprise on Jul 24, 2007 4:38 PM EDT reply actions
25
I’m aware of the familial linkage of the Portises (see #20). As I recall from his UF days, Portis at QB meant a run around left end. He was more predictable than Tebow, who could also run up the middle and execute the jump pass.
by PW on Jul 24, 2007 4:40 PM EDT reply actions
You shoulda saved that pic for Friday.
Wait. What? I’ll smash my own chicken bag with a claw hammer now.
ESPN started the plunge when it was too all inclusive: Strongest man, World series of poker, fucking DOMINOES. I spend more of my time looking at the pages of the people that actually CARE about what they’re commenting/reporting on (MgoBlog, EDSBS, BON,MZone,et al), than someone trying to sell me a product. Sometimes it’s slanted, but that’s a given. I’ve gotten more good analysis and insight from so called “bloggers in their basement” than a whole network. I thank all of the gods that I stumbled across this ring of sites, and had my eyes opened.
That being said, much like Mola Ram, my lifeblood will flow in 39 days, except without all the chanting and sacrifices.
by Scalz1 on Jul 24, 2007 4:41 PM EDT reply actions
Orson, who are Jacques Derrida and Albert Camus picking as #1 this year?
by yoyofutbawl on Jul 24, 2007 4:46 PM EDT reply actions
Roland Barthes’ “Mythologies” would be a good starting place to dissect the false presmise upon which ESPN has built its shitty, shitty fiefdom. And probably a good place to find virtually all the material that Sontag stole and claimed as her own. Like his book, “Camera Lucida,” which curiously turned into “On Photography.”
Anyway, good work as always Orson.
One of the problems between ESPN’s claims to support all sports and its real-life engorgio charms of Red Sox/Yankees baseball is that just getting the Northeast market for their games is just way easier and more profitable than, say, Angels vs. Tigers (both teams which are more fun to watch).
ESPN seems to be playing Nero’s violin these days, as they seek to limit the open stream of information by keeping virtually all of their website for Insiders Only. All the while they pander to the idea of web discourse with the Who’s Now? voting and such.
I think the wonderful Ombudslady must get a headache about every 10 minutes.
by jon on Jul 24, 2007 4:49 PM EDT reply actions
I agree for the most part. There’s nothing wrong with ESPN doing entertainment-only stuff; after all, the acronym is Entertainment and Sports Programming Network. It’s when it tries to combine everything together and make sure every program on the network is casual fan-friendly.
Really, who but the most devoted fans are going to be watching a college football show at 3:30 in the afternoon in July? If ESPN is going to do that, it needs to keep the show focused, on topic, and insightful. Give me something in that time that I wouldn’t be able to find perusing college football news sites and blogs.
Really, all ESPN is doing is what every other big TV network is doing, and really the whole entertainment industry is doing (music, movies, etc). They are all playing up the cult of celebrity at the expense of substance, since big, famous names are the only thing they can bring that people can’t find elsewhere. You can find analysis of college football on plenty of major news sites (Yahoo! Sports, FoxSports, Si.com, etc), and you can find blogs by fans of pretty much any team to get the perspective of any school’s fans you want. They can all tell you that USCw will be great this year, but so what does College Football Live have to offer that everything else doesn’t? Kirk and Lee telling you that USCw will be great, with a feature interview with Pete Carroll. Nothing else they can possibly say or do is unique, because someone else is doing it, and even the major sports news sites have on-demand video so you can watch their interviews with Pete Carroll any time you want.
Therein lies the problem. ESPN is playing to its natural strengths, but going too far to chase short-term success. Short-term, ESPN has created the “ultimate” lineup that has something for everyone, even people who don’t know a halfback from a nickelback. The long-term consequences of it all is the loss of its credibility and vulnerability to Versus, if it can survive and grow, and Fox Sports Net, if it can ever get its act together and become respectable. It’s like how MLB has sacrificed its future fan base (the youth of the last 15 years) to chase short-term dollars by having the World Series begin at 9 pm Eastern. It will catch up to ESPN eventually if a viable competitor arises (like how football passed baseball in popularity).
by Dave on Jul 24, 2007 5:01 PM EDT reply actions
Shiny Asses Dept:
Did someone mention: “..95%..requests seem to be for Latin women with shiny asses and small aquatic wear…(# 14)?”
Count me in that majority!!!!
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Jul 24, 2007 5:07 PM EDT reply actions
“Kobe Tai? Given the nature of this post, I believe a nod to Berkley-grad, Mensa-member Asia Carera would be more apropos.”
Yeah, but Ms. Tai went to The ’Sas, and you know Orson is going to go with anything tangentially related to Las Chronicas…
“On the very rare occasions when I read a Heismanpundit piece, I get the same queasy, sick feeling I do when I look over the love poems I wrote when I was 13: the vertigo of viewing simplistic, naive, and unconsciously patronizing claptrap from the tops of $5 words used just a hair incorrectly.”
A.) He used the word Heisman in his name… how much deeper do we really need to examine things there? (How much “deeper” can there be?)
B.) How much do we have to pay to get those love poems posted here?
by PeterPumpkinhead on Jul 24, 2007 5:28 PM EDT reply actions
“We’re gonna need a clean-up in the Shiny Asses Department.”
by PW on Jul 24, 2007 5:29 PM EDT reply actions
TCOAN -
Have you considered your own blog. With writing like that, I’d read (as long is it’s not about fashion – She Who Must Be Obeyed has a season pass for “What Not to Wear” and I get enough of that there).
Generally speaking, ESPN sucks to most of us because they went from reporting to being the news. All our snits about where GameDay is going, the constant (ignored) bitching about Yankees-Red Sox, the constant subtones about “Atlanta is not a sports town”, etc.
It’s real simple folks – all ESPN is is a bunch of arrogant, self-centered G*d damn Yankees.
Once you get that down, it all makes sense (in a perverse sort of way).
by BamaTaxMan on Jul 24, 2007 5:32 PM EDT reply actions
I’m 25 and I sound like my Dad when I talk about ESPN. I just want things they way they were. ESPN became ESPN because it just overloaded us with sports. Sports geeks had found their mecca. Man, it’s 2pm on a Tuesday, I need sports…AUSTRALIAN RULES FOOTBALL! Oh, it’s 7am on Sunday….FORMULA ONE RACING! SWEET! And as seven year old who didn’t sleep late, Ayrton Senna was my hero. Nigel Mansell, not so much.
My point is that ESPN slowly pushed the games away and it’s far too frustrating to deal with. SportsCenter is Entertainment Tonight for sports fans, except sports fan loathe the idea of watching ET in any form. We like sports. We like watching the games. Somewhere along the line, company executives decided our attention span was .3 seconds and the games weren’t good enough any more. Who decided this? Why can’t I just watch a football without being yelled at? Why can’t I watch a Jets game on CBS without a million things on the screen?
Bottom line, though, I still watch the games. If ESPN has a UConn game on, I’m going to watch it even if Mike & Mike are announcing and the sideline reporter is Dick Vitale in a dress. However, when there are no games on, I’m not watching ESPN. That happens a lot now…there are too few games, too many people yapping.
by Edsall is God on Jul 24, 2007 5:32 PM EDT reply actions
ESPN became to Sports….
what MTV became to Music….(I cannot think of a worse insult)
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Jul 24, 2007 5:59 PM EDT reply actions
TCOAN,
Very incisive and humorous. I especially like the bit “…from the tops of $5 words used just a hair incorrectly.”
by tzubear on Jul 24, 2007 6:10 PM EDT reply actions
#18
If leering over Tim Tebow’s girlfriend is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.
by Boy Howdy on Jul 24, 2007 6:12 PM EDT reply actions
- - I am sure TCOAN’s prose during her teeny bopper – $5 word stage is 95% better than the stuff we write or read around here…
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Jul 24, 2007 6:28 PM EDT reply actions
SKLM beat me to it. ESPN has followed the same narrative arc as MTV. Start with something people like, say music videos (sports) and then gradually build up to True Life: Im a transgendered drift racer addicted to video games and plastic surgery (Theisman).
BTW- great piece Orson. Cant wait for Mcgriff tonight.
by JoesDeliGatorTail on Jul 24, 2007 6:38 PM EDT reply actions
did you really use the term veldt in a description about the possibilities of the internet? Daily I am impressed with the diversity.
by Jonathan on Jul 24, 2007 10:53 PM EDT reply actions
speaking of content- the tour de france is rocking this year- where else does a fan get caught on TV relieving himself on the side of the road, and instead of hunching down to remain off camera, he goes running after the peloton while simultaneously attempting to pull up his pants, remaining center-camera the whole time. This shit is worth getting up for in the mornings.
by Meg on Jul 24, 2007 11:17 PM EDT reply actions
TCOAN – I have put much of my poetry down the “memory hole.” I even have a keeper that a gf cried over, and I found some of the lines in that one cringe-worthy.
ESPN has become NASCAR: only concerned with the narrative (ie, soap opera), not the technical details of the sport. Sadly, I see this in the fans, and find that they know more on what the AD said to the coach as opposed to what style of defense their team runs.
And when I visit their site and see I have to be an insider to get a preview, I feel like I’ve been asked to pay a $10 cover for a backyard BBQ. Why should I pay for someone’s semi-educated guess? This is in comparison to Phil Steele’s highly educated and insightful guess.
The best football coverage is NFL networks’s “Playbook” Strictly X’s and O’s, lots of superb technical details, total coach porn. If only they had a show like that for CFB.
I’ve noticed the closest I can come to this is the blogs and a few articles on ESPN.com and CFN.com. The blogs have the richest stuff when it comes to this.
And they frickin’ hyped up Beckham all week, even though he’s got a bad ankle, and he ended up playing for about 20 min’s.
by MCab on Jul 24, 2007 11:50 PM EDT reply actions
BTW . . .
I swear this site makes the best Schlitz-Sauvignon cocktails . . .
by MCab on Jul 25, 2007 12:45 AM EDT reply actions
Well spoken!
I remember when I used to roll out of bed, snap on the television, and be treated to the drone of sports highlights in the background while I cleaned and fed myself. Now, there’s none of that. Between the torturous “Who’s Now” segment (seriously, whoever came up with that should die), the sponsored “question” segements (“You’re on the Insert Company Here Hot Seat: How are you going to overcome adversity.” “We’ll have to play hard, and drink our Ovaltine.”), the editorials-disguised-as-sports (it’s touching to see a segment on the bouncer paralyized by Pac Man’s (alleged) shooting), now get it the hell off my HIGHLIGHT SHOW), and the other dumb fluff, I don’t think there are 20 minutes of highlights. And 10 minutes of those highlights are whatever the flavor of the month is. First it was A-Rod. Now it’s Barry Bonds and NASCAR. Whee.
That’s why I’m here. Combine a decent community with actual content, and you’ve got gold.
Time to kick back an early morning drink, and settles into his chair. Almost time for football.
by Senor Pez on Jul 25, 2007 10:28 AM EDT reply actions
Yeah. What you all said. ESPN is cramming the entertainment into your eyeholes and nixing the sports. Sad, very sad. But it’s not the reason I come here…I’m just here because I’m working…yes. Working. And because Nintendo Wii doesn’t have NCAA 2008. I’m sure ESPN is behind that, too. You’ll pay for this ESPN, you’ll pay!
by UFGatorDMD on Jul 25, 2007 2:34 PM EDT reply actions
You know, I went to a Susan Sontag reading as a tenth grader and during the Q&A i asked a question about writing and she totally went psycho on me. Very unpleasant and bullying. I didn’t even say anything about her Cruella Deville hairstyle, God rest her soul.
Not a high point for me.
And she was definitely not wearing that braille-enabled sweater.
by PDXGoneGator on Jul 26, 2007 2:32 AM EDT reply actions
Let me guess PDXGone Gator,
you were bigger and more confident than most 10th graders? Oh, and you are a guy? If I am accurate in this assesment than it is not suprising at all she went off on you. It was your TONE….
by tzubear on Jul 26, 2007 10:43 AM EDT reply actions
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