FULMER CUPDATE: BUT NOW I GO BRONCO EDITION

by Orson on Jul 23, 2007 4:21 PM EDT

The big board for this week, looking much the same as it did last week due to a spurt of good behavior or poor enforcement by the university police of this nation.

Notes, apologies, and addenda follow.

Boise State makes the big board per Tomek's tip on the odd DUI arrest of John Helmandollar, Boise State running back who was picked up by Boise PD for driving under the influence of "something other than alcohol" at 11 a.m. Friday morning. Even odds on the substance, posted by EDSBS Wagers Ltd:

--Weed 2:1
--Meth 3:1
--Masturbated self into spunk-drunk stupor 4:1
--GHB 8:1
--Cocaine 12:1
--The people's choice, Purple Drank 14:1
--MDMA 15:1
--LSD 18:1
--Nutmeg 35:1
--High on Jesus 50:1
--Under the intoxicating influence of intoxicating T-Payne ballad 75:1
--Delusional from all night reading session with bootleg Harry Potter 500:1
--Quaaludes 600:1 (He found the last one!)

Boise gets two Fulmer Cup points for DUI without using any trick plays at all.

Michigan will need some adjustment since the marijuana charges against one of its players have been dropped completely.

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Comments

ooh, you forgot lyme disease.

by PSUgirl on Jul 23, 2007 4:27 PM EDT reply actions

Michigan losing 2 makes UGA effectively rise to #6. I am OK with this.

by Brian on Jul 23, 2007 4:35 PM EDT reply actions

any odds on purple drank intoxication?

by PW on Jul 23, 2007 4:36 PM EDT reply actions

I think if we combine “High on Jesus” and “Masturbated self into spunk-drunk stupor” we’ve got something. Something gross, but something nonetheless.

by jebushchrist on Jul 23, 2007 4:36 PM EDT reply actions

Goddammit, we left out purple drank!

by Orson Swindle on Jul 23, 2007 4:42 PM EDT reply actions

beat me to it.

I would have been faster, but I was intoxicated after masturbating furiously to an old episode of the Golden Girls.

by Steve on Jul 23, 2007 4:43 PM EDT reply actions

Was the Minnesota thing so horrendous that it just skips the Fulmer Cup completely? Did the Gophers attain escape velocity or something?

by BT on Jul 23, 2007 4:43 PM EDT reply actions

Actually, the single charge doesn’t even take them to seven points, BT. Thus, they miss the big board.

by Orson Swindle on Jul 23, 2007 4:44 PM EDT reply actions

I think it was all the reading. There isn’t much else to do in Boise.

… all that to find out DELETED FOR HARRY POTTER SPOILER PROTECTION.

Had to cast the Muffliato spell on that one, Bully.

by Bully Vandegraaff on Jul 23, 2007 4:44 PM EDT reply actions

Ah, gotcha. The Fulmer Cup is quite generous for caring only about the single third-degree sexual assault charge. Kind of odd that four guys got kicked off the team for the same episode, though.

by BT on Jul 23, 2007 4:48 PM EDT reply actions

You know who doesn’t have time for purple drank? Nick Saban, lawya.

There. I just combined three of my favorite running jokes from this blog.

by PW on Jul 23, 2007 4:48 PM EDT reply actions

“My 98 was 87 on a record, yo,
So now I roll Bronco”

Public Enemy lyrics! The beginning of the SUV age in ’89, kicking the fly 98 Oldsmobile to the curb.

by Sean on Jul 23, 2007 5:07 PM EDT reply actions

Nick Saban does have some time to pimp his book: “How Good Do You Want to Be?: A Champion’s Tips on How to Lead and Succeed at Work and in Life”

(Customers who bought this book also bought: Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer, Sports Betting for Dummies, I Ain’t Never Been Nothin’ but a Winner, and the Complete Idiots Guide to Pimping you RV)

by Brian on Jul 23, 2007 5:08 PM EDT reply actions

It just wouldn’t be a Fulmer Cup if it didn’t have Georgia clambering into the top 10 using a ladder constructed of public-intox and suspended-licence charges, would it?

Purple Drank reminds me of this shit we used to make on Wednesday nights at UGA before we went out clubbing — just basically purple Kool-Aid mixed with Golden Grain, consumed whilst watching reruns of “The Golden Girls” on WGN, and therefore dubbed “Golden Girls Kool-Aid.” (Note: This has absolutely nothing to do with the activities described in #6.)

by Doug on Jul 23, 2007 5:18 PM EDT reply actions

Michigan clarification – are you talking about TE Carson Butler being found “not guilty” of the assault charges? If so, the charge wasn’t dropped; rather, it was tried to its conclusion. If you were referring to something else, apologies in advance.

by maskedavenger on Jul 23, 2007 5:18 PM EDT reply actions

I was also very, very happy to see an obscure PE lyric on EDSBS. Quite a day around here.

by Run Up The Score on Jul 23, 2007 5:26 PM EDT reply actions

#14,
Don’t playa hate. You know you’ve grown some hairy palms once or twice in your life.

by Steve on Jul 23, 2007 5:51 PM EDT reply actions

Thom Brennaman will now launch into a rant about the little dog keeping up with the big dog.

by John on Jul 23, 2007 6:28 PM EDT reply actions

#11
Saban doesn’t have time for a midget in a suitcase, drunk on Purple Drank, lawya.

Oh, and Footbaw!

by Mr. Wrong on Jul 23, 2007 6:29 PM EDT reply actions

@#11:

CoachSabandannahanahtamfuhdissaheamjutinnasuitscase, porpledrankinlawya! nah gannagoeastsachikinwaffa! Lemsday!

by Nate on Jul 23, 2007 6:53 PM EDT reply actions

Nice to see my Wolverines fading late-season, just like they do in real life!

by Russ on Jul 23, 2007 7:14 PM EDT reply actions

GaDAMMIT, we’re off the board. WTF, Vawls??

by Holly on Jul 23, 2007 7:56 PM EDT reply actions

I think he was listening to a Yanni CD. That’ll have you runnin’ off the road easy.

by MCab on Jul 23, 2007 8:10 PM EDT reply actions

Tennessee is not in the top 12? The man was slangin’ rocks! Seriously, what beats that? That is the grand slam, hat trick, and hole in one of the Fulmer Cup. Good Old Crack Rocky Top. And for my money, the boy from Boise was sippin’ on some syzurp.

by Georgia underage drinker (however, have yet to dabble in crack) on Jul 23, 2007 8:41 PM EDT reply actions

Orson, some Nebraska Fulmer Cup info:

Mo Purify’s assult charge was dropped in a plea deal in his DUI case.

I’m thinking this warrants some point deductions.

by Charlie on Jul 23, 2007 8:52 PM EDT reply actions

Quaaludes aren’t around anymore? Huh, that’s a shame.

by SeaTrojan on Jul 23, 2007 11:09 PM EDT reply actions

Does one of Purify’s charges being dropped as part of the plea agreement alter Nebraska’s total?

by Albino Tornado on Jul 23, 2007 11:37 PM EDT reply actions

The Fledgling Fulmer’s are now off the list. Christ all mighty! I’m not even a Vols fan, but I find their lack of extra-caricular activity this summer very disheartening.

Can we get some cash together and pay someone undercovers to lure some UT players into the Tennessee backwoods? Being arrested standing next to a still should get them back on the first page.

by Rome on Jul 24, 2007 1:45 AM EDT reply actions