FRIDAY MEDIA CRITIC: MERRILL HOGE
by Orson on Jul 20, 2007 2:48 PM EDT
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PrintJoining us in our rotating Friday Media Critic spot: Merrill Hoge, ESPN commentator and concussion sufferer, joining us as he tries to find his way out of the ESPN Jaworski Honorary Edge NFL Matchup Tape Archives.
Thanks for having me. Today I'm supposed to talk about...what was it again? It's so hard to remember things sometimes. That's why I write everything down in my Palm Pilot. It's what NFL coaches do to make it in the men's league that is the NFL. The league full of hard, tough, oiled- to-the-seams-in-glistening-nude-glory men.
Guest columnist Merrill Hoge wears those sweatbands under every outfit he owns.
And with a tap of my thingy here: POP! Media. I'm supposed to talk about the media and college football. I played college football once for a team. I may not remember what team it was for, but we were men. Hard, glorious men playing a man's game. And that's why we at ESPN are covering it even more than we did before with a new weekly show.
Jesus, couldn't Fowler have done this? No, he's out on vacation. Hey! Fowler just sent me an email. I'll share his:
Hey, Hoge! Waiting in line at Borders for Potter book. Third in line! Wanna copy?
And here's my response:
Hey, wizard-fag! Trip on my dick then suck on it. Love, Merrill.
So what were we talking about? Wait, hold on, reminder coming in on this thing. It says "Synergistic promo for ESPN College Gameday Show with unknown website. Thank you for helping ESPN get viral!" What the fuck are they talking about?
If they wanna get viral, they've got it. I mean, Irvin's just down the hall, man. He's as viral as they come.
A leader in the field of viral marketing.
Wait...they mean that new shit with Rece Davis at 3:30? They don't need help. They're going up against The Bavarian Rape games on FoxSports or some shit. No one watches that.
Where the hell am I? This shelf says "Steelers v. Miami, 1990." Never heard of either of 'em. I must be way back in this place.
BOOP! I hate this shit. "Reminder: Segments to include a roundtable discussion on what it is like to coach at Notre Dame with current coach Charlie Weis, and former Notre Dame coaches Ara Parseghian and Lou Holtz with Brent Musburger moderating, and "Senior Thesis" will follow several top senior players through a personal video diary they document exclusively for College Football Live."
Who gives a rat's ass? Am I supposed to call some glogger or whatever the hell it is and talk to them? They think Major Harris is a great quarterback. Just look at him. He may look hard. But he's not hard enough. I don't care what the Titans do with him, he's never going to be the kind of veiny, iron-clad, throbbing kind of hard that hard men need to be to play in the NFL.
Man. I'm sweating and feel all tingly. That's disturbing. Where the hell am I? What's this tape? Gary Miller/Shelley Smith New Orleans '91? That must be one hell of a boxing match. I think I might be in a tight spot here if I can't find water. If only I had one of those Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling around. They'd bust me through that cinderblock wall and have me back in the studio in no time flat. God, they were hot.
So they've got this show, and they're doing more football, blah blah. Meanwhile ol' Hogey's on the real network: ESPN News. I'm all over that. Watch it because that's what men do when they're not stuck waiting for some loser-ass who never played football with real, hard, rippling musclemen in the NFL. They'll never know the joy I felt playing for that team I played for. Whatever their name was, I'm sure they were awesome. And hard.
Holy Christ! Is that a skeleton nailed to the wall? Nametag says "G. Easterbrook." Never heard of him, but that is fucked-up shit right there. I've really got to find my way out of here. Whatever my name is.
Merrill Hoge is an announcer for ESPN and former announcer for the Gorgeous Ladies Of Wrestling. He is currently hoping to find his way out of the ESPN Game Tape Labyrinth by early August.
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Jesus, couldn’t Fowler have done this? No, he’s out on vacation. Hey! Fowler just sent me an email. I’ll share his:
“Hey, Hoge! Waiting in line at Borders for Potter book. Third in line! Wanna copy? "
Brings back memories of SMQ’s Chris Fowler’s Dear Diary from last year…
by Geaux Irish on Jul 20, 2007 2:57 PM EDT reply actions
Actual, unedited anonymous FanHouse comment from the week Irvin got canned:
and he does know football your you wouldnt have be on the sunday mormning show so pepole espn does not hire any one with out know any tihing about sports every body has problems these days some pepole dont know you as well as i do i covered you while you where at miami he was the 15th kid out of 17 evry one go trew a hard time in life its part of life go hurricanes 07 so dont single out one person because they have problems in life ok or because there aferican american ok ill tell you what if you and berry bonds were white you guys wouldnt be talked about so talk about something else ok let them and others live there lives the way they want to ok media likes to make a bigger deal about something that is not that big of a deal the only thing you pepole should be worrying about is the good dam WAR OK SO LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE UNTIL YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING THAT MATTERS LEAVE IT ALONE GO DALLAS AND CANES
by Holly on Jul 20, 2007 3:00 PM EDT reply actions
To which I meant to add “Clearly, he’s replicating.”
by Holly on Jul 20, 2007 3:01 PM EDT reply actions
Orson, have I told you lately, that I love you?
by jebushchrist on Jul 20, 2007 3:02 PM EDT reply actions
Orson, I refuse to believe that Merril Hoge could make it through that critique without slamming Vince Young.
by Signal to Noise on Jul 20, 2007 3:03 PM EDT reply actions
Holly, I don’t want your wrath upon me for any reason.
by Signal to Noise on Jul 20, 2007 3:09 PM EDT reply actions
Excuse me. #6 is the dumbfuck. Sheesh.
Better hope she’s buying that excuse.
by DC Trojan on Jul 20, 2007 3:09 PM EDT reply actions
Damn, too slow.
Again.
Clearly I’m the possession receiver on this thread.
by DC Trojan on Jul 20, 2007 3:10 PM EDT reply actions
Spectacular work per usual, Mr. Swindle.
My Merrill Hoge Steelers jersey should be arriving soon for my fantasy football team: The White Running Backs. I feel sad for admitting that.
by Brewster Crew on Jul 20, 2007 3:11 PM EDT reply actions
so, uh, “Bavarian Rape Games” ensured that there will be little Diet Coke stains on my shirt for the next three hours. Thanks O!
by Jerkwheat on Jul 20, 2007 3:11 PM EDT reply actions
- - if so, then I’m the player they put on special teams because I’m too dumb to read the playbook.
by Signal to Noise on Jul 20, 2007 3:12 PM EDT reply actions
S to N…man, that could be costly…
Is Merrill evidence of a true XYY chromosomal anomaly?
by sb on Jul 20, 2007 3:14 PM EDT reply actions
- I think that post is one of those word puzzles that can only be read in the reflection of a mirror.
by PW on Jul 20, 2007 3:14 PM EDT reply actions
- - If you stare at it rill hard, you can see a sailboat.
by Holly on Jul 20, 2007 3:15 PM EDT reply actions
Can we get a do-over on this thread?
Sadly this is the closest I’ve come to being competent at anything today. A second crack at it probably won’t help.
by DC Trojan on Jul 20, 2007 3:16 PM EDT reply actions
And I must be the wedge buster for the practice squad. I almost made the same comment about Young until I figured it out.
by Out of Conference on Jul 20, 2007 3:17 PM EDT reply actions
sb – you’re telling me. I blame early drinking Friday.
Holly – I’m torn between asking for a do-over and letting my stupidity sit on display for all to see.
by Signal to Noise on Jul 20, 2007 3:18 PM EDT reply actions
Sadly this is the closest I’ve come to being competent at anything today. A second crack at it probably won’t help.
God dammit, there’s an Irvin joke in there that I can’t reach in less than thirty words. Anyone?
by Holly on Jul 20, 2007 3:18 PM EDT reply actions
Tread carefully when invoking Holly’s name. You should see what she did to poor Michael Irvin.
by jebushchrist on Jul 20, 2007 3:19 PM EDT reply actions
#24
Crack? I’ll have seconds!
love,
The Playmaker
was that what you were getting at?
by PW on Jul 20, 2007 3:22 PM EDT reply actions
Holly — ask and ye shall receive:
Trojan, two cracks at competency is still a fewer number of hits that everyone’s favorite playmaker will need to even approach coherency.
by Signal to Noise on Jul 20, 2007 3:22 PM EDT reply actions
That thread wasn’t nothin to do with me, it belonged to some friends. And those dildos? Uh, some foreign dude called Postma said he didn’t need them no more.
Hey, look over there – Hoge just got JACKED UP!
yours etc.,
Michael Irvin, Esq.
by DC Trojan on Jul 20, 2007 3:22 PM EDT reply actions
I love S2N. He was a brave soldier during Planet Earth. Any poems written in his honor will be praising his name and his bravery facing the vampire squid on the teevee.
by Holly on Jul 20, 2007 3:24 PM EDT reply actions
- - is Irvin hanging out with Fred Smoot now?
by Signal to Noise on Jul 20, 2007 3:24 PM EDT reply actions
See, those are much better than anything I was coming up with.
by Holly on Jul 20, 2007 3:26 PM EDT reply actions
is Irvin hanging out with Fred Smoot now?
That would be a two-headed portent of doom (available in sizes S, M, L, XL, and Donkey).
by DC Trojan on Jul 20, 2007 3:31 PM EDT reply actions
Ya got the slant goin here…the factor back here…dont forget the factor back…hey Jaws did i ever tell you about the time we were playin in Daşoguz or Clev….Sweet….i love Turkmenian tranny midget pimps….wait…Huh??? Sweet….Factor Back!!!!
by Supremo General Chow on Jul 20, 2007 3:35 PM EDT reply actions
- - I’d almost blocked the vampire squid out, Holly. However, the tree frog gang rape will never eliminate itself from my memory.
- - Trojan, don’t forget that it also comes in battery-powered versions!
by Signal to Noise on Jul 20, 2007 3:39 PM EDT reply actions
Dude, there is some fucked-up shit in the ocean. Have you picked up the HD DVDs? Amazon had the whole set for cheap the other day.
by Holly on Jul 20, 2007 3:45 PM EDT reply actions
don’t forget that it also comes in battery-powered versions!
Leading to a brand new dance craze that all the kids are grooving to: the Electric Smoot.
by DC Trojan on Jul 20, 2007 3:46 PM EDT reply actions
My, Orson is getting good reception down there at the bookstore – have they let you move into the store yet?
by PSUgirl on Jul 20, 2007 3:50 PM EDT reply actions
Holly, S2N, DC, and all…you’re making this thread almost as good as Orsons missive! Can’t. Keep. Up.
And yes, early drinking Friday began soon after the cheesecakes went up, so I’ll claim alcohol induced mental paralysis, oh, and sleep deprivation…uh, and uh, work…I really do have a job. Honest.
by sb on Jul 20, 2007 3:56 PM EDT reply actions
I call bullshit.
It’s common knowledge that Merrill Hoge is contractually obligated to always say “National Football League” and not “NFL”. At least to me, this an annoyance on par with the apparent requirement that ESPN’s Jon Miller pronounce every Latino player’s name ever-so-Hispanically-perfect.
Oh, and also how Greg Gumbel pronounces “Chicago”. God I hate that.
by DAve on Jul 20, 2007 4:00 PM EDT reply actions
Holly, not yet — I suspect someone in my family is purchasing the BBC version for me as a birthday gift (hopefully with a functioning DVD player, if not, I can pick one up cheap for Planet Earth.)
DC Trojan – hm, I sense a lot of uncontrolled shaking in that dance floor craze.
by Signal to Noise on Jul 20, 2007 4:09 PM EDT reply actions
If I don’t get more “Bavarian Rape Games” coverage on Das Fanhaus I’m going to be uber-pissed.
by BDoc on Jul 20, 2007 4:11 PM EDT reply actions
DAve—
Merrill forgot the name of the league. It’s usually right there on the teleprompter.
-O.
by Orson Swindle on Jul 20, 2007 4:12 PM EDT reply actions
My, Orson is getting good reception down there at the bookstore – have they let you move into the store yet?
That’s too much like hard work. I plan to ambush some unsuspecting 12 year old at 12.07 outside of Politics and Prose and make off with their copy.
by DC Trojan on Jul 20, 2007 4:12 PM EDT reply actions
Gorgeous Ladies Of Wrestling Dept:
I think G.L.O.W. is ashamed to be linked to Merrill Hoggie, especially the Farmers Daughter.
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Jul 20, 2007 4:12 PM EDT reply actions
DCT—
Film that, and we will give you a dollar in return.
by Orson Swindle on Jul 20, 2007 4:14 PM EDT reply actions
Film that, and we will give you a dollar in return.
Hmm. I can’t rope the missus in as camera-woman, she’ll just make me buy the book. Do you think I’d screw my chances of a clean getaway with a Handicam duct-taped to my head?
by DC Trojan on Jul 20, 2007 4:20 PM EDT reply actions
And do a vidcap of it posed like the pic, “Bitch stole my fish”
by Out of Conference on Jul 20, 2007 4:23 PM EDT reply actions
DC – that’s what you paid good money for the electronic sliding side doors for.
by Out of Conference on Jul 20, 2007 4:25 PM EDT reply actions
that’s what you paid good money for the electronic sliding side doors for.
If the Potter book was coming out next month I’d be golden. Dammit!
by DC Trojan on Jul 20, 2007 4:27 PM EDT reply actions
DC Trojan, can’t find a Helmet Cam or oversized novelty cowboy hat to hide a camera in?
by Nick on Jul 20, 2007 4:30 PM EDT reply actions
It would be like Survivorman, but with theft.
by Orson Swindle on Jul 20, 2007 4:32 PM EDT reply actions
can’t find a Helmet Cam or oversized novelty cowboy hat to hide a camera in?
The over-sized novelty cowboy hat would definitely make me less conspicuous. I refuse to stoop the wizard hat; then they’d just think I was there to film the 14 year old girls in the school uniforms… that’s not the kind of cover I’m looking for.
by DC Trojan on Jul 20, 2007 4:33 PM EDT reply actions
But if you get caught – Survivorman becomes Nancy Grace at the speed of an indictment.
by Out of Conference on Jul 20, 2007 4:35 PM EDT reply actions
It would be like Survivorman, but with theft.
So it’s like land-locked Deadliest Catch
by PSUgirl on Jul 20, 2007 4:44 PM EDT reply actions
no, if you showed up wearing a tosu sweatshirt they’d think you were there to film the girls (notre dame, it’s either to film the boys or to get an “idiots guide to outdoor dance floor construction”).
by PSUgirl on Jul 20, 2007 4:47 PM EDT reply actions
Yeah, because Flavor of Love isn’t fucked-up enough.
by Holly on Jul 20, 2007 4:49 PM EDT reply actions
1. Hoge looks a bit like alive-Chris Benoit via the sweatbands. I did not think about it until I read the Nancy Grace comments.
2. I just googled Suvivorman only to confirm my suspicion that it is Man vs. Nature with a Canadian twist. So which show is the original?
And, I have never seen Les Stroud, but my money is on Bear killing him in a steel cage match, which incorporates point #1.
Synergistic, no?
by Coop on Jul 20, 2007 5:04 PM EDT reply actions
But, who would win in the manliest of sports, midget tossing, and not in a gay way.
by Coop on Jul 20, 2007 5:05 PM EDT reply actions
You guys (and Holly) are making me laugh so hard my staff is sticking their collective heads into my office wondering what I’m doing…the tears obviously preclude porn, but their all expressing WTF? looks around the door…stop it! Now!
Oh, never mind…its Martini time so please continue…I’ll follow up over the weekend whenever my daughter lets me on the computer at home.
by sb on Jul 20, 2007 5:07 PM EDT reply actions
For the trifecta…I meant the last one in a, “what happens to you if you go to prison according to Chris Rock via an HBO documentary,” sort of way.
Bad grades in school? The Tossed Salad Man….
by Coop on Jul 20, 2007 5:07 PM EDT reply actions
DCT, where exactly are you planning on doing this? if it’s anywhere in NW I’ll come and watch
by NDTom on Jul 20, 2007 5:16 PM EDT reply actions
Speaking of Mallrats, maybe DC Trojan could just clock the kid on his headpiece with a sockfull of quarters and knock his ass out cold. I’d do it, but I threw my back out humping his mom last night, nooge.
by PW on Jul 20, 2007 5:31 PM EDT reply actions
To quote “Primer”:
“The problem is recursive.”
by Hook'em Tide on Jul 20, 2007 5:42 PM EDT reply actions
A schooner is a two-masted sailboat, and I see three.
But that may have something to do with the schooner I had at lunch.
by PJ from NU in SF on Jul 20, 2007 5:42 PM EDT reply actions
I think it’d be more like “Cheaters.” Film it in grainy night-vision and have Joey Greco ask you how bad you felt about stealing it.
by MCab on Jul 20, 2007 6:31 PM EDT reply actions
From “Primer” to “Cheaters” in 2 moves. You just can’t get that kind of sports talk anywhere else.
by jebushchrist on Jul 20, 2007 7:13 PM EDT reply actions
Turns out that it’s not hard to get the plot precis on the web. That saved me $20 / affray and assault charges. Less interesting as a video, unfortunately.
by DC Trojan on Jul 21, 2007 1:56 AM EDT reply actions
But you were up at midnight nonetheless – either a hats off or a wtf is in order.
by Out of Conference on Jul 21, 2007 1:53 PM EDT reply actions
Sleep deprivation makes the days tolerable OOC.
by DC Trojan on Jul 21, 2007 11:50 PM EDT reply actions
http://myespn.go.com/media/video/home?id=2942585
New ESPN, College Football Live – video posting site. Creative videos get air time on the show.
Site is live, to be released tomorrow. Post away!
by Tim on Jul 22, 2007 11:59 AM EDT reply actions
PSUGirl,
Your outdoor dancing video isn’t exactly bereft of guilty inmates.
42-3, 2nd quarter, in case you forgot.
by Wooderson on Jul 23, 2007 9:35 AM EDT reply actions
Re: #61
Survivorman came first and is the infinitely better and more useful show.
I don’t know of any time I’ve been stranded in the African desert and had to squeeze water out of a pile of elephant shit.
Man vs. Wild, while entertaning, is utterly useless in the real world, and is mostly faked, while Survivorman is extremely useful and is a one man show, literally.
by Steve on Jul 23, 2007 10:17 AM EDT reply actions
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