Joining us in our rotating Friday Media Critic spot: Merrill Hoge, ESPN commentator and concussion sufferer, joining us as he tries to find his way out of the ESPN Jaworski Honorary Edge NFL Matchup Tape Archives.

Thanks for having me. Today I’m supposed to talk about…what was it again? It’s so hard to remember things sometimes. That’s why I write everything down in my Palm Pilot. It’s what NFL coaches do to make it in the men’s league that is the NFL. The league full of hard, tough, oiled- to-the-seams-in-glistening-nude-glory men.


Guest columnist Merrill Hoge wears those sweatbands under every outfit he owns.

And with a tap of my thingy here: POP! Media. I’m supposed to talk about the media and college football. I played college football once for a team. I may not remember what team it was for, but we were men. Hard, glorious men playing a man’s game. And that’s why we at ESPN are covering it even more than we did before with a new weekly show.

Jesus, couldn’t Fowler have done this? No, he’s out on vacation. Hey! Fowler just sent me an email. I’ll share his:

Hey, Hoge! Waiting in line at Borders for Potter book. Third in line! Wanna copy?

And here’s my response:

Hey, wizard-fag! Trip on my dick then suck on it. Love, Merrill.

So what were we talking about? Wait, hold on, reminder coming in on this thing. It says “Synergistic promo for ESPN College Gameday Show with unknown website. Thank you for helping ESPN get viral!” What the fuck are they talking about? If they wanna get viral, they’ve got it. I mean, Irvin’s just down the hall, man. He’s as viral as they come.


A leader in the field of viral marketing.

Wait…they mean that new shit with Rece Davis at 3:30? They don’t need help. They’re going up against The Bavarian Rape games on FoxSports or some shit. No one watches that.

Where the hell am I? This shelf says “Steelers v. Miami, 1990.” Never heard of either of ‘em. I must be way back in this place.

BOOP! I hate this shit. “Reminder: Segments to include a roundtable discussion on what it is like to coach at Notre Dame with current coach Charlie Weis, and former Notre Dame coaches Ara Parseghian and Lou Holtz with Brent Musburger moderating, and “Senior Thesis” will follow several top senior players through a personal video diary they document exclusively for College Football Live.”

Who gives a rat’s ass? Am I supposed to call some glogger or whatever the hell it is and talk to them? They think Major Harris is a great quarterback. Just look at him. He may look hard. But he’s not hard enough. I don’t care what the Titans do with him, he’s never going to be the kind of veiny, iron-clad, throbbing kind of hard that hard men need to be to play in the NFL.

Man. I’m sweating and feel all tingly. That’s disturbing. Where the hell am I? What’s this tape? Gary Miller/Shelley Smith New Orleans ‘91? That must be one hell of a boxing match. I think I might be in a tight spot here if I can’t find water. If only I had one of those Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling around. They’d bust me through that cinderblock wall and have me back in the studio in no time flat. God, they were hot.

So they’ve got this show, and they’re doing more football, blah blah. Meanwhile ol’ Hogey’s on the real network: ESPN News. I’m all over that. Watch it because that’s what men do when they’re not stuck waiting for some loser-ass who never played football with real, hard, rippling musclemen in the NFL. They’ll never know the joy I felt playing for that team I played for. Whatever their name was, I’m sure they were awesome. And hard.

Holy Christ! Is that a skeleton nailed to the wall? Nametag says “G. Easterbrook.” Never heard of him, but that is fucked-up shit right there. I’ve really got to find my way out of here. Whatever my name is.

Merrill Hoge is an announcer for ESPN and former announcer for the Gorgeous Ladies Of Wrestling. He is currently hoping to find his way out of the ESPN Game Tape Labyrinth by early August.