THE NEEDHAM HEX: COUNTING ON VOODOO MAGIC
by Orson on Jul 19, 2007 1:31 PM EDT
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PrintWe constantly underestimate the influence of naked irrationality in our world. You know the "BOOKS OF THE FUTURE" you may have perused as a second grader? The ones where people toodled around well-planned Seattle-esque cities in flying cars, all the while talking on videophones with their trim, jumpsuit-wearing friends? One of those books is still the naieve, stupid root-code for any and all simulations of the future running in our brain.
(The flying car is not, repeat, is not just a naieve futurist thing, though. Blade Runner has them, and if you think Blade Runner is optimistic, then you are a current resident of Detroit. Orlando is ready when you are. )
Even if we do get our walk in turbo-showers, benign robot servants, and tasty insta-food ready and loaded, know that the grip of superstition will never fully release its moldy grip on humanity because we will never, ever cease to be fascinated with drama we cannot control. Someone, presumably after parking their flying car with the "HONK IF YOU SACKED BRODIE" bumper sticker on it, will still be doing the 27th Century version of the Needham Hex.
There's a ball of energy in my hand right now, and....HEX! The only thing dorkier would be shouting "EXPELLIARMUS!" when you really need the other team to fumble in a tight spot. We'll let you know if it works, because you know we'll be doing it at one desperate point in the season.
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The only thing dorkier would be shouting "EXPELLIARMUS!" when you really need the other team to fumble in a tight spot.
My hetero lifemate has totally done this. I’m not even kidding a little bit. Ladies and gentlemen, your Super Bowl Champion Indianapolis Colts. You’re welcome.
by Holly on Jul 19, 2007 1:40 PM EDT reply actions
Cut them some slack. Ever since they found out their shitty tree rolling tradition is about to run out, they’re trying out new stuff.
http://www.theplainsman.com/campus/landmark_toomer_s_trees_dying
by Mike P. on Jul 19, 2007 1:42 PM EDT reply actions
Leak’s fumble…HEX!
LSU’s pass interference…HEX!
Sociology department…HEX!
Unfortunately for us, John threw his ORBs directly at Tuberville, Muschamp, and Brandox Cox during the UGA game.
by AUAlum on Jul 19, 2007 1:43 PM EDT reply actions
I…WAIT A GODDAMN SECOND, are those AUBURN NUTCRACKERS on the shelf in the background? In the beginning??
by Holly on Jul 19, 2007 1:46 PM EDT reply actions
Yes, those are nutcrackers. Holy shit. That’s as funny as hell. I see those advertised in lots of places, but didn’t kow people actually buy nut crackers in the theme of their team unless their team was from Das Deutschland.
What I want to know, is where do I get a statue of a tiger taking a crap like the one on his desk?!? Coop, do you have one of those?
by Out of Conference on Jul 19, 2007 1:51 PM EDT reply actions
“I’m not thinkin’ about it right now so it’s not gonna generate” is my new excuse for everything.
by Holly on Jul 19, 2007 1:55 PM EDT reply actions
#2, so they’re a cow college and they can’t keep a tree alive? If every square inch of land at NC State wasn’t covered in brick, I’m sure our crack forestry management majors could keep a theoretical tree alive.
by Herb on Jul 19, 2007 1:58 PM EDT reply actions
I’m just worried about how natural cupping his hand looked… like he’s held…
Holly – so that’s what counteracted the Blue and Orange Rice Krispie treats my wife made… damn it!!!
by Whitey on Jul 19, 2007 2:09 PM EDT reply actions
My favorite piece of crap the guy has is the stuffed Ibex head he’s rocking on the wall. (0:23)
by Brian on Jul 19, 2007 2:15 PM EDT reply actions
Just because Detroit is subject to 9 months of winter, a completely inept and corrupt mayor and city council, high crime and unemployment rates, thousands of abandoned homes… most of which are on fire as we speak, and one of the most pitiful downtown areas of any major city, doesn’t mean that it’s not a great place to… shit… I’m off to Blockbuster rent Blade Runner.
by Michigan Gator on Jul 19, 2007 2:19 PM EDT reply actions
Wooderson,
Where is that mythical land in the video and how did they get their Moms to drive them there?
by Mike Honcho on Jul 19, 2007 2:24 PM EDT reply actions
Someone needs to perform the Needham Hex on the Needham moobs.
by crabs on Jul 19, 2007 2:27 PM EDT reply actions
We are nearing the 40-year anniversary of the Detroit riots. The Detroit News summarized the riots:
“On July 23, a raid at an after-hours drinking establishment, or ‘blind pig,’ on 12th and Clairmount sparks six days of violence in Detroit. In all, 43 people were killed and 342 were injured. Twenty-four of those killed were by the National Guard or Detroit Police. About 7,000 people were arrested. The estimated damage of $50 million left Detroit with 500 businesses destroyed and more than 1,000 families homeless.”
The News had a multi-page special report on the riots today that was quite interesting (I highly recommend some of the interactive media and the picture gallery):
http://detnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/99999999/METRO/706030362&template=theme&theme=Metro-1967riots
This report helps explain why Detroit is the mess it is today.
Now back to your regularly scheduled frivolity.
by maskedavenger on Jul 19, 2007 2:27 PM EDT reply actions
16: The Detroit Free-Press called Hostel “the feel-good hit of the summer.”
by Oops Pow Surprise on Jul 19, 2007 2:31 PM EDT reply actions
I like to think Detroit is captured perfectly in RoboCop
by Nick on Jul 19, 2007 2:33 PM EDT reply actions
Oh… I forgot to add that we are also America’s fattest city. Not hard to imagine when there’s a Coney Island on every corner.
by Michigan Gator on Jul 19, 2007 2:43 PM EDT reply actions
#14
should “lightning bolt” guy be forever undefeated?? i mean how can you top that??
by gerry dorsey on Jul 19, 2007 2:45 PM EDT reply actions
#14
shouldn’t “lightning bolt” guy be forever undefeated?? i mean how can you top that??
by gerry dorsey on Jul 19, 2007 2:46 PM EDT reply actions
Oh. My. God. Do you think he has sired offspring? Oh, and I’m also swiping the “I’m not thinking about it now…” excuse. How can you lose with that ?!
by Native on Jul 19, 2007 2:55 PM EDT reply actions
He appears to watch games alone. I wonder why.
by Continuation T. Arranger on Jul 19, 2007 2:55 PM EDT reply actions
“all the while talking on videophones with their trim”
I hear you can pay to do that nowadays.
The future has arrived!
by Boy Howdy on Jul 19, 2007 2:56 PM EDT reply actions
I don’t know, I always thought the future version of Detroit presented in Robocop was more realistic and frightening. Especially since it looked just like modern-day Dallas.
by Kahuna on Jul 19, 2007 2:59 PM EDT reply actions
And what’s with that “Little House on the Plains” quilt?!?
by Out of Conference on Jul 19, 2007 3:02 PM EDT reply actions
Is it bad that the only reason I realized it was Thursday and not Friday is becasue I haven’t seen a cheesecake yet? Damn, it’s been a long week at the office, I just want to see a sultry south american showing some ass.
by CHIEF on Jul 19, 2007 3:18 PM EDT reply actions
#29-One of my many bartenders tells me that Robocop was indeed filmed in Dallas.
Maybe I can rent this guy for my adopted Temple Owls. Um, GO OWLS!
by Jorgé the Bass Player on Jul 19, 2007 3:20 PM EDT reply actions
27: he once had friends…then they angered him, and he turned them into the AU nutcrackers now adorning his prison of lonliness.
by RaginCajunRebel on Jul 19, 2007 3:21 PM EDT reply actions
Ohhhhhhhhh my. Yeah, I definitely know him. And I’m not speaking figuratively in the “I know a guy like that” sense. I actually know him.
by Katy on Jul 19, 2007 3:22 PM EDT reply actions
Scene: elementary school classroom, circa 1974 (black and white film and projector screen being set up; mid-twenties substitute teacher in tight dress and sweater, appropriate length (dammit) setting up projector with library/band nerd sporting birth-control glasses assisting, lights dim and the standard movie 5, 4, 3, 2,…) (introductory jingle) “…we can hardly wait to see what the future has to hold…let’s get the show on the road… to the Countdown to the Seventies!” (students laughter at the anachronism)…Lotsa jumpsuits and weird Batman style cars with odd forms of propulsion, but Christina was still tryin’ to kiss me when the lights went out…wish I knew then what I know now.
by sb on Jul 19, 2007 3:27 PM EDT reply actions
It was filmed in Dallas, it looked more futuristic looking and Detroit
by Nick on Jul 19, 2007 3:29 PM EDT reply actions
than Detroit rather, futuristic by 1980’s standards anyway.
by Nick on Jul 19, 2007 3:31 PM EDT reply actions
Other effects of the hex:
-living in your mom’s basement,
-getting your ass kicked on a daily basis
-lots and lots of masterbation
by Kenny Irons midget on Jul 19, 2007 3:34 PM EDT reply actions
Don’t front, Mr. Midget. You’d gladly get your ass kicked on a daily basis if it meant you could issue the dreaded Needham Hex.
by Oops Pow Surprise on Jul 19, 2007 3:39 PM EDT reply actions
they’ve done studies ya know…60% of the time, it works every time
by alanon on Jul 19, 2007 3:43 PM EDT reply actions
My hex’s have been back-firing during my games of NCAA on XBOX live. maybe i need to dress like an Auburn dork in order for them to work
by Dave on Jul 19, 2007 3:45 PM EDT reply actions
“It’s not designed to cause injuries.” Actually, what he doesn’t tell you is that THIS latest version (Hex 6.2) has safeguards to prevent injury. Originally it had an ACL-tear feature, but it backfired on Auburn one time and Coach Tubberville asked him to go back to the drawing board and take it out.
by hawkeye on Jul 19, 2007 3:49 PM EDT reply actions
#11, I am one of those forest management majors on crack, and just FYI, we’re keeping all the trees out in durham county on the school forest. Who needs trees in campus when you can have BRICK?!
by Andrew on Jul 19, 2007 3:52 PM EDT reply actions
Screw all this nonsense! Where is my mustache Wednesday MF??
by The Last Dragon on Jul 19, 2007 3:57 PM EDT reply actions
Rumor has it the next release of Hex (6.3) comes with obnoxious Tiger roars over the PA and an Auburn alumni in the replay booth.
by texgator on Jul 19, 2007 4:08 PM EDT reply actions
Rumor has it that the new release of HEX (6.3) will include a Tiger roar on the PA and an Auburn alum in the replay booth.
by texgator on Jul 19, 2007 5:01 PM EDT reply actions
Nick Saban doesn’t have time for this “hex” shit.
by The Last Dragon on Jul 19, 2007 5:08 PM EDT reply actions
First they ignore the hex, then they mock the hex, then they fight they hex, then the Needham wins.
apologies to Ghandi
by War Eagle on Jul 19, 2007 5:33 PM EDT reply actions
See, stuff like this does not go on with Ohio State and USC. Based on 2nd down plays involving 3rd year fullbacks from the dates of 9/10-9/27 in odd years, the SEC sucks.
that was my tosubuckeye impression.
by bellefay on Jul 19, 2007 6:27 PM EDT reply actions
W.T.F. !?!?
This post takes the cake. The Auburn Hex guy (Harry Potter of the Gridiorn) AND The lightning bolt guy
(This one has me speachless.) There are some really fucked up people in this world. I may never go out of my house again.
by shovel pass on Jul 19, 2007 6:40 PM EDT reply actions
First we get all polytheistic on Tuesday, now we’re dropping enchantments. What is this? Everyday Should Be Samhain?
by MCab on Jul 19, 2007 6:51 PM EDT reply actions
I’m sure none of you other guys blogging away on the internet is nearly as embarrassing as the Hex man.
Oh wait…
by A. Nonymous on Jul 19, 2007 10:13 PM EDT reply actions
shovel pass, it would seem that the “not going out of the house” is part of the problem here.
by AllWhoYonder on Jul 20, 2007 12:15 AM EDT reply actions
Can we get the fat bald 40 yr old virgin in a kilt to throw lightning bolts at the fat auburn fan 40 yr old virgin while he throws his hex orbs (we can’t see em but he can).
Atleast lightning bolt guy is throwing real sticks!
by Wargle on Jul 20, 2007 9:53 AM EDT reply actions
Umm.. so I’m assuming they didn’t actually film this during the live broadcast of the 2004 SEC Championship game. Does that mean he’s “causing a fumble” by using the hex, on a recorded version of the game? Well done. Your magic knows no bounds.
Umm.. so I’m assuming they didn’t actually film this during the live broadcast of the 2004 SEC Championship game. Does that mean he’s “causing a fumble” by using the hex, on a recorded version of the game? Well done. Your magic knows no bounds.They also shot a video of an Alabama fan who apparently sired a mini Jimmy Clasen.
by nixforsix on Jul 20, 2007 11:08 AM EDT reply actions
Needham? From the look of him I would swear his name is actually Mark Green, a “moderator” on AgBarn’s Scout forum.
by Tommy Gallion on Jul 21, 2007 12:12 PM EDT reply actions
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