Since we’re going to spend the next week with our eyes glued to the television learning how to run the all-Statue Of Liberty/Fake Punt/Triple Option offense with our custom team, the Gushers of Peter North University (GUSH ON!), we’ve got to stock up on the peripherals that gamers swear by to make the game complete. Or as we call them: Necessories, because you don’t just want them…you need them.

1. Vibrating codpiece. Seriously, we don’t know a soul who dares play without the assistance of a vibrating codpiece. Let ‘em mock all they like, but no one gets more shock and awe from massive, teeth-rattling on-field hits than he who owns the official EA Sports Vibrating NCAA 2008 codpiece.


If it doesn’t have the EA Sports logo, it’s not ‘in the game.’

Camelbacks are for pussies. Go straight intravenous for the long haul, especially when your Kent State Golden Flashes have finally clawed their way into the national title game in year three, and you’ve been playing for 13 hours straight. (Thank god for 300 pound fullbacks who can run a 4.3 40)

Ride the Raptor. We’re serious, here. One could not make up a four-hundred dollar chair loaded with 12 buzzing motors, embedded stereospeakers, controllers installed on each arm, and plush padding for “HOURS OF EXTREME GAMING.”


The Raptor. It could save your marriage, gamer.

Sure, you could donate it to UNICEF or some other bunch of do-gooding, skinny-child collecting global salvation types. Or you could take $400 dollars and buy the biggest button activated vibrator this side of the Hitachi Magic Wand, plug in your video game system of choice, and kill two birds with one stone by putting the old lady in it and scoring in multiple arenas simultaneously.

Headband. Don’t laugh. If you’re gonna be a champion, you’re gonna need a headband, Charlie. There’s no getting around it. You’ll never make it past Varsity level without one.


Don’t forget the headband. It’s key.