What: EDSBS Live! online radio. Phil Steele/Big Game edition.

PHIL STEELE!!! GIMME A FUCKIN’ SIREN!!!!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

When: 7:30 Eastern, 4:30 for all you angels on the West Coast.

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum (type quickly or die!). To phone in to the show, just call (310) 984-7600.

Who: Phil Steele, football monk and forecasteer supreme. You. Are. Not. Ready.

How excited are we? Like, Go! Team excited.

The four questions for tonight:

1.Game you would sacrifice your firstborn to the gods for this year.

Florida/Tennessee. Pure, intoxicating hatred we happily spike ourselves with every September.

2. Game NOT involving your team you’d sacrifice something to the gods to watch…

Right now we’re high on the Nebraska/USC game, which (of course) is the same day as the Tennessee/Florida game. So how bout the first Tuberville/Saban Iron Bowl? That’s got to be worth a prize chicken or two thrown onto the sacrificial altar, no?

3. Name three college football gods right now
coaches, players, mascots, etc…

Sunday Morning Quarterback, Urban Meyer, and Darren McFadden.

4. Who’s the sexiest god/goddess?

Trick question–Lemmy! In all serious unseriousness, we’ll go with Kali: unstable, violent, often depicted as quite curvy in her gentler forms, and has like a zillion arms. Those would have to come in handy at crucial junctures in Business Time.

Real quick, but real interesting: the New York Post pops in with this, via the Big Lead:

Sources in several conference offices, athletic directors and television networks told The Post that support is steadily growing for a “Plus-1,” format in which there will be a national championship game following the playing of two “semifinal games.”

Roadblock, thy name is Delany, but a road grader’s a-comin’, and its name is television. The sources in the article all wax anonymous, but the overall impression from the piece is that television and the attendant money are driving the bus at the moment and headed straight to a system where bowls would rotate spots in a semi-final/final structure, thus keeping the powerful men in tackily colored blazers happy while opening the door for something resembling a playoff.

Playoffs? Yes, a playoff of sorts, sir.

The plan also would be in place to cash in on a new round of bidding for television rights once the current Fox contract expires in 2010. The money, in case you didn’t know, is about to get just run-flat stoopid.

Since we’re going to spend the next week with our eyes glued to the television learning how to run the all-Statue Of Liberty/Fake Punt/Triple Option offense with our custom team, the Gushers of Peter North University (GUSH ON!), we’ve got to stock up on the peripherals that gamers swear by to make the game complete. Or as we call them: Necessories, because you don’t just want them…you need them.

1. Vibrating codpiece. Seriously, we don’t know a soul who dares play without the assistance of a vibrating codpiece. Let ‘em mock all they like, but no one gets more shock and awe from massive, teeth-rattling on-field hits than he who owns the official EA Sports Vibrating NCAA 2008 codpiece.

If it doesn’t have the EA Sports logo, it’s not ‘in the game.’

Camelbacks are for pussies. Go straight intravenous for the long haul, especially when your Kent State Golden Flashes have finally clawed their way into the national title game in year three, and you’ve been playing for 13 hours straight. (Thank god for 300 pound fullbacks who can run a 4.3 40)

Ride the Raptor. We’re serious, here. One could not make up a four-hundred dollar chair loaded with 12 buzzing motors, embedded stereospeakers, controllers installed on each arm, and plush padding for “HOURS OF EXTREME GAMING.”

The Raptor. It could save your marriage, gamer.

Sure, you could donate it to UNICEF or some other bunch of do-gooding, skinny-child collecting global salvation types. Or you could take $400 dollars and buy the biggest button activated vibrator this side of the Hitachi Magic Wand, plug in your video game system of choice, and kill two birds with one stone by putting the old lady in it and scoring in multiple arenas simultaneously.

Headband. Don’t laugh. If you’re gonna be a champion, you’re gonna need a headband, Charlie. There’s no getting around it. You’ll never make it past Varsity level without one.

Don’t forget the headband. It’s key.

People are already posting their teaser clips of NCAA 2008. This one features the tres cool new replay feature, where you may save highlights that you can revisit on the flatscreens hanging in your virtual locker room.

Oh, and Noel Devine? We don’t know his speed rating, but judging from this it’s somewhere between 93 and “HOLY SMOKING HELL.”

We would be expected to post this with an R. Kelly song, since one of the stories actually involves urinating on someone, but we go curveball and go instead with innuendo-tastic “Candy Rain.”

Multiple and despicable Fulmer Cupdates, beginning with a UGA walk-on and his funsy adventures at Lake Allatoona.

UGA walk-on Tripp Taylor earns charges from an incident two months ago, and oh golly was it worth the wait.

For almost two long months, Charles Rogers says he’s had to grit his teeth and wait for authorities to file charges against a University of Georgia football player who, along with several other college kids, allegedly stripped him of his clothes, beat him and then urinated on him during a Memorial Day weekend attack at Lake Allatoona.

For being involved in this particular candy rain incident, as well as participating in a fight where a high-schooler got hit in the face with a goddamn baseball bat by college-aged students, Taylor earns three points for the dogs, two for the misdemeanor assault charge, and one for the piss bonus awarded by the panel here at EDSBS.

Domestic dispute incident one: Rutgers gets support from its coaching staff as Scarlet Knights assistant Chris Demarest hits his girlfriend in a nightclub in Long Branch, New Jersey. He earns a three point boost for Rutgers, with two for the assault, and one for the “big strong men hitting girls” bonus.

Domestic dispute incident two: What the hell? Was there a full moon this past weekend? We didn’t notice, what with all the running around naked, covered in fur, and killing the innocent in between dodging silver bullets.

Remus Lupin has no comment on this weekend’s activities.

Anyway, Wisconsin running back Lance Smith got into a spat with his girlfriend over whether she owed him five or ten dollars following a cab ride. The argument escalated quickly (they usually do) and culminated in this extremely rational conclusion to the situation:

The woman told police that during the dispute, Smith — whose legal name is Smith-Williams — would not let her out of his North Randall Street apartment and pushed her down as she tried to leave.

As she fell, the woman dropped the $20 bill and Smith allegedly picked up the cash and took her shoes, DeSpain said.

I’ll ruin you! I’ll destroy you! I’ll…I’LL TAKE YOUR SHOES, BITCH!!! Smith is charged with false imprisonment, robbery and battery, an impressive seven-point score for Wisconsin after the addition of yet another hitting girls point.

We really, really can’t wait to write about actual football, y’all. Really.

That thing on the horizon–it’s the clarion call of hope, friend.

The other thing on the horizon? It’s West Virginia quarterback Pat White, and you’re never catching him. Don’t even try.

We’ll just begin with a nice blanket statement here. If you don’t want to read about really, really sordid details concerning the Minnesota sexual assault case, then don’t click the link, m’kay? M’kay. Think about happy puppies instead, or maybe a nice plate of pad thai, or something.

Yes. That’s something quite pleasant.

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