This week’s big board appears below. Notes, corrections, and a whole slew of embedded updates follow:

UTEP may not catch Illinois, but do not blame the lack of effort as the reason why they’ll fall short of a Fulmer Cup title. The Miners score 13 points in their debut on the board thanks to a right cracker of an FnDC incident, complete with vivid, rarely cited charges like “assaulting a public servant” and “attempting to take an officer’s weapon.” Teamwork got them here, people: five players earned charges in all, with Tufick Shadrawy and Brian Wilkins earning the lion’s share of the gold strike themselves.

UTEP coach and roving roustabout Mike Price can’t really comment too much on the case at the moment, and with good reason: he’s recovering from surgery he underwent last week to put a stent in his heart to relieve pressure on a blocked artery. Guilt trip ‘em, Mike–show ‘em the flesh zipper like Krusty would.

Minnesota is already getting more exciting under new coach Tim Brewster–exciting like a wacky Euro-sex party with your close friends Mystikal and Andrew Lauder! Minnesota’s had some kind of nasty sexual assault case brewing for a while, yet the arrest of Dominic Jones for probable cause of criminal sexual misconduct has no apparent connection to the past allegations of third degree sexual assault earlier this spring.

Minnesota picks up four for what in essence is a rape charge. Jones is being held in the Hennepin County Jail without bail, which is not a good sign for him.

Finally, we award one point for weed possession to South Carolina, whose recruit Quintin Richardson may earn a point as he’s currently enrolled at SC and therefore eligible for Fulmer Cup points despite never having strapped on a Cock helmet for South Carolina. Richardson was picked up following a report of shots fired at an apartment complex. A police search ensued, and Richardson was found Holden Caulfield. William Holden. You know what we mean, man.

Richardson may also want to avoid the apartment complex altogether–this is the same apartment complex where Richardson was stabbed last month in an fight over a lady. Hell, we avoid towns where we’ve gotten bad roast beef sandwiches–stabbing would certainly do the trick as far as blacklisting a spot on our daily rounds.