Everyday Should Be Saturday

July 12, 2007

WE OBJECT: AL GROH MERELY SUCKS

Semantics are everything, but we have to clarify this: Al Groh sucks, but he is not categorically “the worst” coach in the country right now. He’s close: the mumbling, the anti-charisma that surrounds him…remember scenes in films where evil men trod the soil, and flowers wilt all around them? Al Groh has a similar effect, but with the color palette: everything he walks past turns a uniform shade of beige. (The radios all turn to the Clear Channel BEST STATION TO LISTEN TO AT WORK, too.)


Al Groh: forever rockin’ to 98.5, but not the worst.

At least Groh produces NFL draft picks, one of the bits of evidence Stewart Mandel cites in his list of the five worst coaches this year to prove how bad Groh is. (Braves and Birds, file and save for the next installment of “Duel of the Jews“. You’re welcome.) He also plays a wicked synthtar on Guitar Hero, and has produced a whole line of instructional booklets.

There’s two examples far worse than Groh or even local mayonnaise sensation Chan Gailey, he of the 7-5 regular season mathematical equilibrium.

1. Sylvester Croom. No one wants to put him on this list because of the huge, huge challenges Croom faces as the head coach of a program located in a town lovingly referred to as “Starkganistan.” They do exist, but Croom’s made a slew of mistakes as head coach, most notably attempting to run his version of the modified West Coast offense (a complex, often too complex system for college) with personnel who can’t possibly execute it. In three years, he’s failed to find talent to match, either.


Croom: sadly, not very good.

Logically the only other person who could be worse than Croom. Of three victories last year, two preceded the losing coach’s firing or “departure”: Mike Shula at Alabama, and Watson Brown’s departure at UAB. Croom’s only other conference win not over Ole Miss or Kentucky…

2. …would be the one that got America’s other worst coach fired.



Filed under: Big 10 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Southeastern Conference, see: hell, that's correctable  by Orson Swindle

NICK SABAN LIVES IN YOUR CHEST? GROSS

That thurr is “a joke,” according to his Flickr caption, but this might be more literal than one might think, since we could buy the idea that Saban spends the night feeding on the innards of a new, willing victim before popping whole from their chests after three whole hours sleep the night before before ripping into a lineman and reducing him to tears.

The one hole in this theory: it’s awfully difficult to watch game tape from inside someone’s chest cavity. Unless he has an IPhone, which means he’d have had to wait in line for one. That remains impossible. We know Saban doesn’t have time for that shit.



Filed under: Alabama man! he can drink he can bowl he can drink some, College football, Southeastern Conference  by Orson Swindle

THE EDSBS TOP 25, CONT’D: KELLS HELPS OUT WITH 4-6

The task of putting together a top 25 of any sort is stressful: frayed nerves, excessive caffeine and Ritalin consumption, the ever-present explosive gas…it’s like working in a cubicle with Katy Couric, actually, though without the constant reminders to get our colon checked yearly. (We do! By a guy named Stan in an alley in Macon! What?)

We therefore recruited help for 1-10 in the form of R. Kelly, who in addition to fucking the same girl happen to be huge college football fans with plenty of angles to cover on the upcoming season. The end product is so hot, it reminds us of our Jeep, because it makes us wanna ride.

See provisional 1-3 here, including our standard overreach for Michigan.

4. Texas. Is this a blind reach for a blue-chip program, or an actual stab at coherent forecasting? Considering that we’re reading Nassim Nicholas Taleb’s book Black Swan right now, we’ve been disabused of the notion of accurate forecasting and can happily toss this out there as a rank and giddy guess–since they’re all guesses that will inevitably be up to 180 degrees from what we thought would happen.


Colt McCoy: will be merely excellent this year, a letdown from 2006.

Nevertheless, Texas makes for solid guessing for good reason. The linebacking corps returns intact; the defensive line will feature defensive tackle Frank “The Subpoena” Okam, who along with his fellow d-lineman Derek Lokey is taking the LSAT in preparation to become a lawyer (and therefore a future reader of EDSBS.) Colt McCoy and his fake-ass assumed name (born Edwin Schlobodowitz, Poughkeepsie, NY) had the best freshman season in recent memory, insuring that whatever he does this season will be a letdown of some sort. We’d say he can’t be as good, but the Greg Davis offensive system remains a run first game, and Jamaal Charles et al constitute the usual nightmarishly talented Longhorn backfield to keep the pressure off McCoy. Limas Sweed, Quan Cosby, and Billy Pittman are already getting open as we speak, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Kells:

Straight up, dog.

The Longhorns got that fevah,
cure pain like that Aleve-ah,
got tricks like up my sleev-ah.

That means I think they’ll win,
like 14 years old and slim,
I’ll want to meet her twin,
double up and ride on in.

Kells needs to mention a brand name,
some vehicle or champagne,
I think they’ll win okay, drink Perrier Jouet,
Now I mentioned my brand name,
and it was a type of champagne.


Kells on Texas: Straight up, dog.

5. LSU. Everyone else’s automatic number two winds up at six five here, mostly because we think this team just has two losses written all over it this year. Placing them at two requires taking certain factors as givens we’re not willing to grant, namely:

1. New offense, no problem=untrue. Jimbo Fisher can’t help but be overrated after the bidding war that ensued this offseason between FSU and Alabama, yet the dropoff between him and Gary Crowton must be noted. Crowton’s offenses at Oregon rang up huge numbers against the gnomes of the conference and sank when confronted with actual defenses. (more…)



Filed under: All-Conference, Big 12 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Southeastern Conference, back like cooked crack!, bizarro superman says you're welcome, bloviating, toot toot beep beep  by Orson Swindle

DAILY AFFIRMATION: DAY 51

Even in the fairy tale-land of Madison, Wisconsin, they can hear college football coming.



Filed under: College football  by Orson Swindle

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