Everyday Should Be Saturday

July 10, 2007

EDSBS LIVE! THE MYTHICAL NATIONAL CHAMPIONS EDITION

What: EDSBS Live! online radio. It really should be called the Stewart Mandel edition, since we’ve crafted our questions around our guest, who happens to be Stewart Mandel. Like H-Town said: Ladies, get your towels, it’s time for the intermission, ’cause Stew’s here. They did not say that, but they should have.

But ostensibly, it’s the generalist’s show, with a national focus and a hint of BCS talk.

Click here to join the show!

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum (the best part of the show, frankly). To phone in to the show, just call (310) 984-7600.

Who: Tonight’s special guest is Stewart Mandel from CNNSI.com. We’ve promised to be gentle with him, even though he once drank 117 bottles of beer in a single car trip from Detroit to Cincinnati, according to Dusty Rhodes.

Four Questions: As always, our four questions for the night.

1. Who are the worst three coaches right now?

Mandel’s big on the “worst coaches” ranking, and we’re never short on positive feelings, so we’ll bite. [NAME REDACTED]’s one, an overgrown recruiting coordinator who did his best work as a special teams coach. We wouldn’t trade a good scabby patch on our head for Al Groh, the least exciting college football coach in the known universe. And most painfully, Sylvester Croom, hobbled as he may be in Starkville, is starting to cruise out of “rebuilding” and into flat-out badness.

2. Which offensive or defensive scheme do you most detest?

Oh, how we hate the soft zone in the third quarter with a lead.

3. Name your playoff/system preference—BRIEFLY

Briefly? Honestly, we’re completely open to suggestions. We don’t mean that in a dickhead MBA manager slipping you the finger from behind his palm pilot–we’re seriously open, and have no idea anymore what an ideal scenario would look like.

4. Who’s your new crush for the season?

Stewart named his, so we’re on to ours, crude and esoteric though they might be. Audacia Ray in the brainy smut department, Serena Williams holding steady in the female athlete department, and in the wild card category, we’ll introduce Sunday Morning Quarteback, a writer whose prose and pinpoint accuracy makes us nearly gay for him.

CHIZIK-NICKELS FLOOD IOWA CURRENCY MARKET

Without coaching a game yet, Gene Chizik has caused a frenzy in global currency markets unseen since the advent of Chiang Kai-Shek’s Golden Yuan: the Chizik-Nickel, or as speculators are already calling it, the “Chickel.” (HT: Keosahawkeye.)

Yours for only $15, the Chickel commemorates the upcoming 2007 season by putting Chizik in profile on antique gold. Looking at the picture, we’ve never noticed what a striking similarity there is between Coach Chizik and Chief Sitting Bull, were one to cut his hair and place him in a three-piece suit.

As compared to other coach-emblazoned swag, it’s impressive. For example, this completely kicks the ass of the [NAME REDACTED] seat cushions they handed out two years ago at Illinois. They were unpopular with reason, however, as they tended to get soft and give out somewhere around the early fourth quarter.

EYE SWEAT MAKES YOU STRONGER: THINGS THAT MADE US CRY, PART ONE

Tears aren’t signs of sorrow, or hints of weakness. They’re pain leaving the body, eye-sweat from the most important muscle of all: your penis. You may not have known that the penis is hooked up to your eyes…but you suspected it, didn’t you?

Anyway, we cry. A lot. Never at any real things. We’ve seen cuddly puppies run over by trains and laughed before shouldering our RPG and firing it into a nunnery. All in the name of liberty, mind you, because those were terrorist nuns, but the point remains: inside our heart is an icy, barren patch of ground we call our heart, or alternately, Delaware.

But inside that icy patch is a glitch that makes us cry, or as we like to call it, “leak soul oil,” since we’re just that machine-like. It’s a flaw in programming. We’re working to have it fixed, but in order to help our tech support staff, we’ve compiled a list of past errors that resulted in involuntary eye-showers of a sporting and non-sporting nature.

1. Byron Leftwich being carried by his offensive linemen. Akron, 2002. Byron Leftwich breaks his shin during a game but somehow cons coach Bobby Pruett into letting him continue, perhaps sniffing glorious royalties from the eventual Hollywood script and contract for the story.

We’re watching–God knows why, but we’re watching Akron/Marshall–and Leftwich completes a pass on one leg, looks around, and is flanked by teammates Steve Scuillo and Steve Perretta, burly offensive lineman who put Leftwich on their shoulders and carry him down the damn field in between plays.


Damn you, manly compassion.

Our eyes emit moisture in appreciation of the task.

Tear intensity rating: Light simmer of teary meniscus around the eyelid, precisely three tears on each side, duration of 45 seconds.

Compensated for display of weakness by……immediately hijacking armored truck and running over flock of baby geese. Twice. (more…)

FULMER CUP: NEW MEXICO STATE

New Mexico State wide receiver A.J. Harris penalized for an alleged illegal hands to the face infraction in Las Cruces on Sunday night–the hands being his, and the face belonging to that of his ex-girlfriend. We don’t know what kind of a commie state they’re living in over in New Mexico, but here in Georgia exes are allowed to slap each other ’til they’re the color of cooked shrimp. It’s a matter of constitutional law here, and by constitution we mean the three objects that make up Georgia’s actual code of laws: Lewis Grizzard’s Shoot Low Boys - They’re Riding Shetland Ponies, a copy of Drivin’ and Cryin’s Mystery Road, and a magic eight ball.


Seriously. It helps make the laws here.

In the less civilized state of New Mexico, slapping your ex gets you battery charges, which means three Fulmer Cup points for the Aggies. Fortunately, A.J. Harris is not Muslim, which means there will be no problems for him with Mumme when and if he returns to the Aggies locker room.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: DAY 53

Strength, castaway. Rescue is just around the corner. We present today’s daily affirmation, presented each morning between now and the first day of the season, drinking days excepted (weekends.)

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