It’s officially a slow news weekend when you have to note the story of a BYU player getting a traffic violation and–gasp!–finding out they have an unpaid traffic ticket on their record. But here we are, confirming you missed absolutely nothing by spending the entire weekend thinking about Shark Week and wondering if wearing Capri pants was acceptable for men. (Thanks, Rafael Nadal. For the record, you can wear Capris, but only while carrying a broadaxe.)


Add broadaxe=acceptable.

From the Deseret News:

PROVO — Brigham Young University running back Manase Tonga was arrested after a traffic stop early Tuesday morning for allegedly failing to pay a traffic ticket and giving a fake name to Provo police.
A warrant was out for the arrest of Tonga, 23, because he had not paid an $82 ticket for running a stop sign in August 2006, according to court documents.
Dewey said Tonga told the officer Tuesday morning that his name was Fifa Tonga.

Wily of him to fool the officer by using the name “Fifa Tonga,” which sounds nothing like “Manase Tonga” at all, except for the same last name and overall Polynesian-ness of the whole thing. He should have gone great guns and gone for a real fake name like “Mudslide O’Houlihan,” or “Wang Fei-Schittenheimer.”

Or better still, if the cop was Mormon, he could have tapped into the Mormon historical tradition of important documents disappearing completely and said that the ticket had been “taken back by God.” It worked for Joseph Smith, after all, and if you’re at the point of giving fake names made up of international sports organizations (”Name? Ioc Swindle, sir”), you may as well try it.*

Divine intervention pending, one piddly point for BYU here in the Fulmer Cup will be assessed for the fake naming and overdue tickety thingy.

*Orson, lay off the Mormons! It’s not their fault you’re a heathen! Simmer down, as we jab all religions equally, since they’re all equally probable. For the record, we’re a follower of the cult of Galactus. He’s coming, and they’re nothing we can do about it.