FULMER CUPDATE: BYU'S TONGA GETS PIDDLY DRIVING ARREST
by Orson on Jul 9, 2007 12:11 PM EDT
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PrintIt's officially a slow news weekend when you have to note the story of a BYU player getting a traffic violation and--gasp!--finding out they have an unpaid traffic ticket on their record. But here we are, confirming you missed absolutely nothing by spending the entire weekend thinking about Shark Week and wondering if wearing Capri pants was acceptable for men. (Thanks, Rafael Nadal. For the record, you can wear Capris, but only while carrying a broadaxe.)
Add broadaxe=acceptable.
PROVO — Brigham Young University running back Manase Tonga was arrested after a traffic stop early Tuesday morning for allegedly failing to pay a traffic ticket and giving a fake name to Provo police.
A warrant was out for the arrest of Tonga, 23, because he had not paid an $82 ticket for running a stop sign in August 2006, according to court documents.
Dewey said Tonga told the officer Tuesday morning that his name was Fifa Tonga.
Wily of him to fool the officer by using the name "Fifa Tonga," which sounds nothing like "Manase Tonga" at all, except for the same last name and overall Polynesian-ness of the whole thing. He should have gone great guns and gone for a real fake name like "Mudslide O'Houlihan," or "Wang Fei-Schittenheimer."
Or better still, if the cop was Mormon, he could have tapped into the Mormon historical tradition of important documents disappearing completely and said that the ticket had been "taken back by God." It worked for Joseph Smith, after all, and if you're at the point of giving fake names made up of international sports organizations ("Name? Ioc Swindle, sir"), you may as well try it.*
Divine intervention pending, one piddly point for BYU here in the Fulmer Cup will be assessed for the fake naming and overdue tickety thingy.
*Orson, lay off the Mormons! It's not their fault you're a heathen! Simmer down, as we jab all religions equally, since they're all equally probable. For the record, we're a follower of the cult of Galactus. He's coming, and they're nothing we can do about it.
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I don’t think I get this nom de plume stuff.
by United States Football League Pow Surprise on Jul 9, 2007 12:18 PM EDT reply actions
Just because he beat a man in capris doesn’t mean his accomplishments are any less amazing.
Roger Federer is a stud.
by jebushchrist on Jul 9, 2007 12:19 PM EDT reply actions
roger lodge just led off the rome show (he’s subbing) with something about how later he’ll tell us why les miles is a boob.
could be worth tuning in for.
by Joey Jo Jo Jr. Shabadoo on Jul 9, 2007 12:21 PM EDT reply actions
I think manpris are perfectly acceptable.
Sincerely,
Kevin Federline
by hailstate on Jul 9, 2007 12:25 PM EDT reply actions
The question is, should they be called Manpris or Cabros?
by Expat Ohioan on Jul 9, 2007 12:26 PM EDT reply actions
Orson, did you see USF just had a similar situation with stud RB bama dropout Ford? I want my hometown to represent.
by JoesDeliGatorTail on Jul 9, 2007 12:27 PM EDT reply actions
I thought “Tonga” was a wrestling name.
“And now, coming to the ring, weighing 210 pounds, from Provo, Utah, BEE WHY YOU’S TONGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”
by CFB Authority on Jul 9, 2007 12:27 PM EDT reply actions
I’d prefer we just stick with capris. No sense creating a name for something so fucking ridiculous.
Besides, we already have “hipsters” and that covers anyone who’d wear those goddamn things.
by jebushchrist on Jul 9, 2007 12:33 PM EDT reply actions
Clam diggers sounds too benign. How about “shark diggers?”
by Orson Swindle on Jul 9, 2007 12:34 PM EDT reply actions
how about “plum smugglers”?
would a mormon’s magic underwear hang out the bottom of capris?
by jon on Jul 9, 2007 12:43 PM EDT reply actions
Chevy Chase would have just given the name of Kareem Abdul Jabbar. But Mormon police probably would have profiled that name…..not much to gain.
by RW on Jul 9, 2007 12:43 PM EDT reply actions
#5: Cabros is no good; too ethnic
And while we’re on the issue of fake names, what about “Joseph Smith”? C’mon, you know dude was trying to run away from a debt/wife/kids…
by chickensupernova on Jul 9, 2007 1:03 PM EDT reply actions
If Tonga had gotten away with the whole fake name thingy, would we then be in a position to grant him the Mormon honor of “100 Non-Alcoholic Non-Caffeinated Drinks”?
by Geaux Irish on Jul 9, 2007 1:07 PM EDT reply actions
Those of you who have never gone behind the Zion Curtain have no idea just how Mormon Provo and its sister city Orem are. Wonderful ethnic food, and absolutely none of it comes with beer; served by the nicest people in the world, as long as you stay away from the MLM schemers. By local standards, giving a false name to the cops in hopes of dodging an old traffic ticket is just below taking five of your football buddies on a drunken rampage into a total stranger’s apartment.
by PJ from NU in SF on Jul 9, 2007 1:22 PM EDT reply actions
I neglected to add that he was really lucky that he wasn’t an old lady who let her lawn die, or else he might have gotten roughed up. Unless the arresting officer went to UU, that is… otherwise, BYU players are like extra Apostles.
by PJ from NU in SF on Jul 9, 2007 1:24 PM EDT reply actions
If you hope to be a clam digger, you won’t wear clam diggers.
by RedDevilEA on Jul 9, 2007 1:57 PM EDT reply actions
Why the fuck did Arkansas have to get the shit kicked out of them by USC the last 2 years, thus enabling Roger Lodge to claim that the SEC is teh suxorz?
by PW on Jul 9, 2007 2:00 PM EDT reply actions
Now this has inspired a moniker change.
Didn’t Nelly sing about liking capri pants? The whole spiel about how he’s a sucka for cornrows and manicured toes? Does this now mean he likes WEARING these things?
I think Tonga shoulda signed his name #24, hey!
by MCabros on Jul 9, 2007 2:19 PM EDT reply actions
"Wang Fei-Schittenheimer."
I’m pretty sure that guy used to be the special teams coach for the Browns.
by DevilGrad on Jul 9, 2007 2:24 PM EDT reply actions
Since he just turned 21, and has career earnings of over $12 milion already, seems like Nadal can wear his “pantalonicitas” on his freakin’ head if he wants…
Stupid parents and their non-psychotic tennis/golf training for me…
by Pants McPants on Jul 9, 2007 2:42 PM EDT reply actions
At BYU this is a suspendable offense…which Coach Urban Meyer would label “harsh”.
by Aerobab on Jul 9, 2007 3:06 PM EDT reply actions
Girly Pants Dept:
Why hasn’t anyone had the guts to tell Senor Nadal that he looks like a Nancy-Girl with those oversize knickers? At least he was not wearing the tank top to complete his outfit that looks a lot like Veracosa (a Jim Carrey character from his days at an old Fox TV comedy show, Homey “D” Clown, JLo and the Fly Girls, blah, blah, blah.)
Such a great tennis player (perhaps the only one that has a winning record against Federer) trying to be houte couter-ish and ending up looking like Fabio, or Slobbio.
(Apologies for tennis rant, but I am going nutso with no college football stuff of note going on right now.)
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Jul 9, 2007 3:16 PM EDT reply actions
Did somebody just say Stacy Keibler? Ass cookies?
by Burt77 on Jul 9, 2007 3:27 PM EDT reply actions
- - Yeah. That was me. She hearts me.
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Jul 9, 2007 3:56 PM EDT reply actions
Safe For Work – Ms. Keibler Youtube:
#28, If you want to see an “artist” make a piece of art out of Ms. Keibler’s piece of a__, check out this “Youtube” clip. I would nominate this for Cheesecake Friday every week, probably, if I were obnoxious.
http://hollywood.outsidethebeltway.com/category/hotties/stacy-keibler/
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Jul 9, 2007 4:09 PM EDT reply actions
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