Everyday Should Be Saturday

July 9, 2007

TOLEDO FOOTBALL TAKES ECONOMICS BACK TO THE 6TH CENTURY

Again, from the hypervigilant eye of the Wizard of Odds, the story of the ‘Stutz and the Toledo athletic department’s odd financial practices gets even odder as the Toledo Blade slices into the rich, juicy, sugary sweet yet salty ham of a good story: Toledo’s practice of bartering tickets and other athletic department benefits for goods and services.

This bartering included rounds of golf, cars, and other goods adding up to a $700,000 tab exchanged over the course of the past year. Most shocking of all?

And, according to university records, $4,050 of a $5,000 trade with Honey Baked Ham in 2004 was used for gift certificates for athletics staff members. Another $500 was used for a staff Christmas party that year.


Toledo football: will work for ham.

Tom Amstutz: greasing the palms of his employees with that gold-foil wrapped wicked duchess of meats, the Honeybaked Ham. The ancient practice of barter may be a happy hobbyist’s way of purchasing Canadian real estate on the cheap, but it’s not a fave of Toledo’s President, Lloyd Jacobs, who put on his no-funderoos by saying that bartering–widespread at other universities, and not illegal–”is not the best practice.”

Tom Amstutz, driver of a brand new ‘07 Honda Ridgeline, would likely disagree. Embroiled as he is–man, does the offseason involve a lot of embroiling–in the points-shaving scandal surrounding Scooter McDougle and scrutiny over his recruiting trips to that hotbed of American football Germany, ‘Stutz might have to find some new wheels and a new magical ham fountain soon.



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Mid Major Conferences, mmmmm ham  by Orson Swindle

EDSBS TOP 25: 1-3, BECAUSE WE ARE SLOW AND HUNG OVER.

Again, what you’re about to read is straight foolishness. But at least we admit that.

The preliminary, subject to all edits, clarifications, admissions of complete brain spasm:

1. USC. No cracks. Just none: USC remains a smooth, creaseless facade of sheer talent with brilliant coaches pulling the levers, ensuring that anyone with half a tank of rationality will pick them at number one. This is also the obvious pick, too, which is sad but true for those of us who really love to make the contrarian’s pick.


The Tony Robbins of football continues to inspire with excellence and synergistic practices, you angels, you.

The wobbliest piece of USC’s American Quilt of Talented Angels–we’re sure Pete Carroll calls it something like that, as opposed to the old Cartesian oppression of “depth chart”–is at wide receiver, but even there the term “wobbly” remains, well, wobbly since Vidal Hazelton and Patrick Turner fit the mold of unmanageable USC receivers: tall, fast enough, good route runners with balletic skills to bring down balls in coverage.

Defensively, Carroll continues to run a pro defense in college garb. (more…)



Filed under: All-Conference, Big 10 Conference, Big East Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Pacific 10 Conference, bizarro superman says you're welcome, blogpollin', bloviating, excellence is the product of managerial synergies flowi, it's division one football, sprained cerebrum, sweatervest, west f'n virginia  by Orson Swindle

FULMER CUPDATE: BYU’S TONGA GETS PIDDLY DRIVING ARREST

It’s officially a slow news weekend when you have to note the story of a BYU player getting a traffic violation and–gasp!–finding out they have an unpaid traffic ticket on their record. But here we are, confirming you missed absolutely nothing by spending the entire weekend thinking about Shark Week and wondering if wearing Capri pants was acceptable for men. (Thanks, Rafael Nadal. For the record, you can wear Capris, but only while carrying a broadaxe.)


Add broadaxe=acceptable.

From the Deseret News:

PROVO — Brigham Young University running back Manase Tonga was arrested after a traffic stop early Tuesday morning for allegedly failing to pay a traffic ticket and giving a fake name to Provo police.
A warrant was out for the arrest of Tonga, 23, because he had not paid an $82 ticket for running a stop sign in August 2006, according to court documents.
Dewey said Tonga told the officer Tuesday morning that his name was Fifa Tonga.

Wily of him to fool the officer by using the name “Fifa Tonga,” which sounds nothing like “Manase Tonga” at all, except for the same last name and overall Polynesian-ness of the whole thing. He should have gone great guns and gone for a real fake name like “Mudslide O’Houlihan,” or “Wang Fei-Schittenheimer.”

Or better still, if the cop was Mormon, he could have tapped into the Mormon historical tradition of important documents disappearing completely and said that the ticket had been “taken back by God.” It worked for Joseph Smith, after all, and if you’re at the point of giving fake names made up of international sports organizations (”Name? Ioc Swindle, sir”), you may as well try it.*

Divine intervention pending, one piddly point for BYU here in the Fulmer Cup will be assessed for the fake naming and overdue tickety thingy.

*Orson, lay off the Mormons! It’s not their fault you’re a heathen! Simmer down, as we jab all religions equally, since they’re all equally probable. For the record, we’re a follower of the cult of Galactus. He’s coming, and they’re nothing we can do about it.



Filed under: Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Fulmer Cup, Mid Major Conferences, Rules? We don't like your...rules., bizarro superman says you're welcome  by Orson Swindle

MONDAY MORNING, COMING DOWN: HAVE SOME EXPLOSIONS

We spent the weekend at Cuddles’ wedding reception in Tennessee, and are nursing the kind of hangoverish fatigue one can only get in a blackjackaquilabeerfestive kind of event. However, new visitors to the site never fail to give us the kick of ONE HUNDRED CUPS OF COFFEE. In particular. we’d like to thank gentleman and scholar “EveryDayShouldBeSuckMyDick,” who wrote this underneath the Sports Junkies/Hayley Lafontaine piece:

kill yourselves. nice work writing “lay-up goals” like those are a thing. go do something useful like i’m doing right now

…like leaving a comment on EDSBS? We actually agree here: few things are more useful than leaving a comment on EDSBS. Unfortunately, per EDSBSMD, we have to go put our head in a gas oven for a few minutes now. If it’s like the last time we tried it, the lingering aroma of frozen pizza leavin’s stuck to the sides of the oven will convince us life really, truly is worth living again.

However, please accept as apology the amazing Eastside Catholic High School video, which has more explosions than five minutes of an old Creed concert. (HT: The Sporting Orange.) If you don’t see it here, just wait, since we get the feeling that along with the San Diego Sockers video, it’s going to be today’s strain of comedic internet herpes.



Filed under: Blog Buddies, bitches, bizarro superman says you're welcome  by Orson Swindle

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