PETE CARROLL LOVES ALL OF YOU ANGELS
According to Bruins Nation, noted humanitarian and USC football coach Pete Carroll attended a service at the Agape Spiritual Center, one of these Oprah-friendly nouveau religious centers for those who like their religion without crushing guilt, obligation, or judgement. You call them New Age, we call them total pussies. (Lapsed Catholics say what!)
Pete then, according to witness UCngLA from the openly biased folks at Bruins Nation, addressed the crowd with the following opening line, excerpted from the post at BN:
“It’s great to be in this place, to be among all these angels.” And by angels he was referring to the audience.
Pete Carroll will be with you angels in a minute. First he’s got a Palestinian crisis to mediate. Then he’s got Pilates. Then: you, angels.
This is true. We’re taking it as true. Even if it’s not true we’ll never admit it. You angels, you can’t take this away from us. Pete Carroll is the guy who names trees in his yard. Pete Carroll really does ride a golden unicycle. Pete Carroll is the nearly 60 guy with sculpted abs who hangs with Will Ferrell. Pete Carroll really does drive a Range Rover, because you never know when you’ll be called to lead an aid convoy in Darfur. Pete Carroll is the youth pastor who will write a check made out to you with the sum line filled out as “complete happiness,” and sign it with the name “God.” He is Kevin Rawley from Meet the Parents, and is making you a stunning hand-carved gazebo with his own hands as we speak.
Like God, if Pete Carroll didn’t exist, we’d have to make him up.
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1
Whitey says:
He’s still a smug bastard…….
June 28th, 2007 at 10:18 am
2
Tommy Boy says:
Pete Carroll forgave you the moment you typed it. He will see you in Heaven with all the other angels.
June 28th, 2007 at 10:19 am
3
Allahver Fist says:
Go tell it on the mountain, St. Pete. Bong Hits For Jesus.
June 28th, 2007 at 10:20 am
4
JHova says:
Just like the Care Bears, Pete Carroll seems nice, but has an evil deep down inside of him. Could you imagine him in Gainesville with all that touchy feely crap? People would think he was gay or something.
June 28th, 2007 at 10:20 am
5
Aerobab says:
Pete Carroll really does drive a Range Rover, because you never know when you’ll be called to lead an aid convoy in Darfur.
I guess this is why PC is a humanitarian and not an environmentalist. And personally, if I ever get the urge to cruise the streets of Darfur, I’ll pass on the RR and up it to the M1A2.
June 28th, 2007 at 10:23 am
6
Matt says:
Well, the guy IS in a church. If I was a religious man, I’d like to think I was among angels in church as well.
The USC-centric focus of EDSBS is a little much sometimes.
June 28th, 2007 at 10:24 am
7
Maize n Brew Dave says:
Or as your people would call it, a “hopa.”
June 28th, 2007 at 10:26 am
8
Michigan Gator says:
I’d punish a six year old in the face to have the ever-present bliss Pete has in his life on a daily basis.
June 28th, 2007 at 10:27 am
9
sb says:
JHova…he’s not gay?
June 28th, 2007 at 10:30 am
10
Orson Swindle says:
Matt–
USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC USC.
Whew.
-O.
June 28th, 2007 at 10:37 am
11
Doug says:
I was raised Catholic, lapsed for about seven years, then started going back to church about five years ago, which I guess makes me a re-lapsed Catholic. Heyo!
But just ’cause I’m all religious and shit doesn’t mean I didn’t giggle like a ten-year-old when I read the name of the center was “Agape.”
June 28th, 2007 at 10:44 am
12
PSUrob says:
all the little angels are always inside Pete Carroll’s circle of trust.
June 28th, 2007 at 10:57 am
13
Nick says:
“So how did you get into carpentering?”
“Carpentry? I’d have to say Jesus”
June 28th, 2007 at 11:00 am
14
Robert says:
Voltaire reference? Nice. Clearly Pete is livin in his best of all possible worlds.
June 28th, 2007 at 11:02 am
15
Old Lady Gator says:
Two things:
Great Fugees story by Tiki Barber on the Today Show yesterday and today. Worth going to the Today website to watch.
Check out http://www.allamericanfootballleague.com if you haven’t already heard about it,
June 28th, 2007 at 11:03 am
16
irishoutsider says:
Well, they have Spurrier in the banner, so yeah, I’d say its a pretty USC-centric site.
June 28th, 2007 at 11:07 am
17
bhors says:
Ya, the gazebo is nice. It only took me 72 hours to carve it by hand, which isn’t too bad considering I carved it from one piece of wood.
June 28th, 2007 at 11:08 am
18
Greg Schiano says:
Pete must be affiliated with Habitat For Humanity because I hear is pretty good at finding housing for the immediate family members of his players.
June 28th, 2007 at 11:08 am
19
Brian says:
In my estimation, this post would seem to say that Pete Carol is indeed, Ned Flanders. Spiritual, Jacked, and older than he appears.
June 28th, 2007 at 11:20 am
20
Andy says:
I think as long as USC is consistently is in play for the National Title every year, they are relevant to whatever site who wants to talk about them. Because as long as you are a fan of your school, there is a chance of playing USC in the title game, or perhaps having USC take your spot in the title game. If USC hadn’t choked against UCLA, Florida would have been out of the title game and USC would be kings of the Earth led by their head angel Pete Carroll. For OSU would not have been able to have a miraculous game against the Trojans if they weren’t able to against Florida. Besides, the little hamster that keeps this site running is a Trojan fan, so Orson throws him a bone with a USC mention every now and then.
June 28th, 2007 at 11:28 am
21
PurpleHeart says:
I’m sure Jesus will be on the phone telling Darrell Scott that they lack depth at running back.
I guess Pete forgot to pray before the UCLA game last year….f’ing angels, gotta tell them everything
June 28th, 2007 at 11:33 am
22
Harris says:
I prefer to think of His Holiness as the kind of Youth Pastor who drives a convertible Mustang (he likes the way he looks when the wind blows through his hair) and bangs only the hottest 15-year-olds. Gender wouldn’t matter to him because, “We’re all beautiful in the eyes of the Lord.”
June 28th, 2007 at 11:36 am
23
Orson Swindle says:
Andy–
Besides, the little hamster that keeps this site running is a Trojan fan, so Orson throws him a bone with a USC mention every now and then.
He’s more like a mighty badger.
June 28th, 2007 at 11:40 am
24
Kerwin4two says:
From now on, I’m dropping all references to “Lawyas” and replacing them with “Angels”.
Pete Carroll so cool he would probably be arrested by Disney cops for loitering
June 28th, 2007 at 11:51 am
25
DumpDorrell says:
there could have been real angels in the audience = Paris Hilton
June 28th, 2007 at 11:57 am
26
Billy in Baton Rouge says:
My people! The Lord Pete Carroll has given me these 15…(crack!)…10! 10! Commandments!
June 28th, 2007 at 12:13 pm
27
Andy says:
Orson, that mighty badger and I hang out and drink beers more than once a week, so yeah. Heh, I’m the reason he found this site in the first place and offered to help.;)
June 28th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
28
DC Trojan says:
You know, I thought all this “The Secret” nonsense was ridiculous… take one known cognitive defect (magical thinking) and turn it into a crazy upper-middle-class universal ATM of material benefits – all while blaming small children for bringing on their cancer by negative thinking…
Then I paused… I thought about the negative vibe merchants at BN… and I thought about a 7 -6 season for the Bruins… and now I’m not so sure.
June 28th, 2007 at 12:21 pm
29
Stacy Keibler Luvs Me says:
USC Jealousy – > Sincerest Form of Flattery Dept:
Religion without guilt? Oxymoron.
Spurrier might still be “The Man” of college football, but it looks like the Humanitarian is about to pass him at warp speed.
USC’s Pete Carroll is just so gnarly, so multi-faceted, so humongous that he keeps the college football off-season somewhat interesting on a weekly basis.
Click clack.
June 28th, 2007 at 1:08 pm
30
bhors says:
A Reading from The Secret’s Letters to Myles Brand-
” And God said let he who is humble inherit the earth. And he who run sub 4.4 live rent free with cars and steroids.”
June 28th, 2007 at 1:21 pm
31
Stacy Keibler Luvs Me says:
#30 , Bhors: You forgot a few things:
“…..And he who run sub 4.4 live rent free with cars and steroids, and Paris Hilton, and Lindsey Lohan, and other Hollywood Sluts.”
June 28th, 2007 at 1:42 pm
32
drogue says:
ARTHUR: Consult the Book of Armaments!
BROTHER MAYNARD: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.
SECOND BROTHER: And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, ‘O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow
Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.’ And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and
orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu–
MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother.
SECOND BROTHER: And the Lord spake, saying, ‘First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three
shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that
thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of
Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.’
June 28th, 2007 at 1:50 pm
33
MCab says:
I hate touchy feeling religion like the next guy, but we have to look at the shiny side here.
At least he isn’t into Scientology.
*drops mic, walks away*
June 28th, 2007 at 1:53 pm
34
Kevin Rawley says:
Are you a home owner, Orson?
June 28th, 2007 at 2:05 pm
35
spartymike says:
He’s almost like a peaceful Chuck Norris. If that makes sense.
June 28th, 2007 at 2:06 pm
36
MCab says:
You’ve just ripped the space/time continuum. Do you know how much that goes per yard?
June 28th, 2007 at 2:14 pm
37
SeaTrojan says:
So now I know why Peyton Manning stopped by SC the other day to play pitch and catch with Booty, McKnight and the receivers; he was in the church that day and was completely flattered to be called an angel by His Humanitarianess.
June 28th, 2007 at 2:50 pm
38
Stacy Keibler Luvs Me says:
Hmmm Dept:
Peyton Manning was throwing at USC because he was trying to impress the Humanitarian, and perhaps get back to college and get that 6th year of eligibility to play for the Master of Disaster.
June 28th, 2007 at 3:17 pm
39
Billy in Baton Rouge says:
I’m going to look out of my window for SpartyMike’s head flying after Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks it off for such blasphemy.
June 28th, 2007 at 3:59 pm
40
Jeff from LA says:
Pete Carroll is just so multi-talented the cfb world has no idea what to make of him. Whereas most coaches struggle to do simple things like win football games (see Duh-rell), Pete Carroll wins football games, and spends a few days a week leading churches, winning swimming competitions, hanging with movie stars and platinum selling rappers, and solving world peace.
Plus we all know Chuck Norris doesn’t win football games.
June 28th, 2007 at 4:28 pm
41
oc phil says:
So I wonder if there was a traitor’s draft for coaches, how many teams fans wouldn’t want to swap their current coach for Carroll?
Florida and Alabama I could see holding fast (though I bet some of the Bama fans would be tempted). Probably most Texas and tOSU fans wouldn’t switch either. I could see Oklahoma and Notre Dame fans sticking for one more year but shifting if they don’t do well this year. After that I can’t see any teams fans not taking PC if they had the chance.
June 28th, 2007 at 7:04 pm
42
oc phil says:
DC at #28: I think the negative vibe at BN would earn UCLA a 2-10 season at best if “the secret” were really true.
June 28th, 2007 at 7:09 pm
43
DC Trojan says:
You’re right OC Phil, my adherence to strict rationality is restored. Thanks for that.
June 28th, 2007 at 9:28 pm
44
tzubear says:
True OC phil, but he is still fair game for mockery. Unless you actually think he is the lord reborn.
June 28th, 2007 at 9:45 pm
45
DC Trojan says:
Tzubear, it’s safe to say that the only time Pete Carroll has anything to do with the second coming is when he decides to give the old lady a little extra for special occasions.
June 28th, 2007 at 10:51 pm
46
Chuck says:
To quote a line from Voltaire:
“If Pete Carroll didn’t exist it would be necessary to invent him.”
June 29th, 2007 at 12:14 am
47
Paragon SC says:
Orson’s take, as usual, always makes me laugh. I loved the “You call them New Age, we call them total pussies. (Lapsed Catholics say what!)” line.
But reading the comment thread on B***Nation made me laugh even more as it was clear that they will take any opportunity to bash PC but you could see the thread come to screeching halt as some realized that they were all struggling with “don’t mock someone’s religion” versus their instinct to hack on PC. Taking potshots at ones beliefs can be tricky business lest you find yourself in the crossfire.
Clowns
June 29th, 2007 at 2:02 am
48
oc phil says:
Tzubear: EVERY coach is fit for mocking. USC fans just enjoy knowing that in this case much of it comes from pure jealousy. Especially from the ‘tards at Bruins Nation. Seeing them get their panties in a wad all the time is a source of great amusement.
June 29th, 2007 at 3:11 pm
49
Jeff from LA says:
Honestly, Bruins Nation cracks me up. It just goes to show what the dark side would be like, i.e. what life would be like if we didn’t have a coach that calls everyone “angels” and keeps giving and giving (see R.Bush). I mean that site is just full of hate – hate for their current coach, hate for their past coaches, hate for other teams. I’m just glad we have a different attitude around here (although at least some of that results from the concept of everyone getting along when you’re winning).
June 29th, 2007 at 5:23 pm
50
oc phil says:
Jeff- I’m a geezer and I’ve watched USC through some good times and bad times and never heard the kind of crap spewed out by the freaks at Bruins Nation. Granted the last time USC was down it was before blogs caught on big, but I’ve heard anything to match up with the self-loathing that oozes out of BN.
What I can’t figure out is why there don’t seem to be any big non-psychotic UCLA blogs around. UCLA is a big university with lots of students/alums. Why do they let the really fucked up ones define their image online?
July 2nd, 2007 at 2:40 am