FULMER CUP: PUTTING THE ROCK IN ROCKY TOP
by Orson on Jun 28, 2007 2:44 PM EDT
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Print"I feel like I just crapped a pineapple"--those were the words of Ronald Reagan after pushing through a particularly contentious piece of legislation in his first term, and they reflect our own feelings as the Tennessee Volunteers finally grace the Fulmer Cup with their esteemed presence.
We'll open the bidding with a question: what's hard, made of cocaine, and looks like crack and was found on the dashboard of walk-on Tennessee football player and rhymes with crack? If you said crack, you're obviously a felon. Turn yourself in now. If you do it in Knoxville, you might share a bunk with Justin Jackson, who can now look forward to being sexed by inmate Barry and his delightful selections of homemade toilet wine.
It's crack. It gets you high.
Tennessee football walk-on Justin Jackson has been dismissed from the team after he was arrested on charges of selling crack cocaine, university officials said Thursday.
He sells cocaine! Ki-ki-ki-ki-ki-ki-ki-kaayeaahhaawwwww!!! Phil Fulmer, who is very, very fat, has kicked Jackson off the team, a punishment Urban Meyer described as "harsh." For actual selling of motherfucking holy shit CRACK, the Tennessee Vols will receive 3 points for selling narcotics and one point for the longstanding crack bonus. (Crack always gets a bonus point, because crack is...crack, worthy of a point unto itself.) He also got a generic weed charge, tacking two points on for a total of six points in all for the Vols.
Not enough to even get them on the big board amidst this year's stiff competition, but enough to make us feel like the world is close to spinning on its correct axis. We feel like we just woke up to the promise of a new day, as if the universe were made suddenly whole and right in a single act. (Exhale.) We would like to ask you to join us by standing up in your office chair right now, clicking the jump, and engage in an office dance party to celebrate the circle of life, and deliver an important anti-drug message, too. Remember, people: you don't have to smoke crack to have a good time.
Remember: we're real cool, we chill to the max. We might act crazy but we don't smoke crack. (HT: A few people, Doug, Jeremy, Holly...we'll add links as soon as the internet tubes aren't on the fritz.)
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HOME SWEET HOME TO MAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!
I’m so proud I could spit. Is it dusty in here?
by Holly on Jun 28, 2007 2:47 PM EDT reply actions
The arrest of the year so far, bar none.
Finally, this fucking competition kicks to life!
by PB at BON on Jun 28, 2007 2:49 PM EDT reply actions
No Dr. Rockso? With c-c-c-c-c-cocaine involved? Even if it is “crack” it’s still a derivative of nose candy…
For shame.
by Maize n Brew Dave on Jun 28, 2007 2:50 PM EDT reply actions
about time. who knows, perhaps the vowels will get probation one day.
oh well…jes’ wishful thinkin’ on that last comment.
by yoyofutbawl on Jun 28, 2007 2:54 PM EDT reply actions
Tennessee’s back! Back like cooked crack!
by irishoutsider on Jun 28, 2007 2:59 PM EDT reply actions
Something has felt off with UT not being on their namesake board..and all this feel-good shit about Phat Phil lately has messed with my head. I knew they could do it! Thank you, Justin Jackson…for correcting a massive wrong. I hope the jailhouse sodomy is brief and painless.
by CapstoneAlum on Jun 28, 2007 3:03 PM EDT reply actions
Guess who’s bizzack, you can still smell the crack in his clothes, Fat Phil got no time fo’ hos.
by RaginCajunRebel on Jun 28, 2007 3:03 PM EDT reply actions
wonderful counterpoint to my morning’s reading material.
with the supply of the global cocaine remaining mostly static, interdiction is believed to be taking a larger chunk out of the overall amounts of the drug on the world market (section 1.3.3, fig 46). as a result, retail costs of the drug have been increasing over the past three years (section 1.3.3 fig. 52).
clearly, the business-minded jackson had identified a growth market and was taking advantage of it to augment his income in lieu of a scholarship or other financial assistance.
by kleph on Jun 28, 2007 3:09 PM EDT reply actions
Laugh all you want, but I have that Shinehead tape.
by Sean on Jun 28, 2007 3:13 PM EDT reply actions
Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.
by Tommy Boy on Jun 28, 2007 3:20 PM EDT reply actions
Representin’ the 865!!!
I second #8: just didn’t feel right without my Vols on the board.
Also, this dude’s a walk-on: he’s trying to make a name for himself, trying to get ahead.
by chickensupernova on Jun 28, 2007 3:29 PM EDT reply actions
Is it sad that when I first heard the news of another of our Vols being arrested, MY FIRST REACTION WAS:
“Shit, how many points?”
My 2nd reaction was to e-mail the story to Orson.
Leave me alone, blog world!
by CFB Authority on Jun 28, 2007 3:33 PM EDT reply actions
When asked to comment on the arrest, General Cornrow Wallace had this to say, “Pppppprrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!”
by EZ on Jun 28, 2007 3:47 PM EDT reply actions
As Whitney can attest, crack is whack. If you’re going to end up getting arrested anyway, you might as well slang something a little bit more prestigious, like heroin or ecstasy. Somehow, I don’t look down upon those guys as much as I do you, Justin Jackson.
by Justin Cliburn on Jun 28, 2007 3:48 PM EDT reply actions
“Laugh all you want, but I have that Shinehead tape.”
Me too. “Ragamuffin” just seems to get stuck in your head some times…
by AllWhoYonder on Jun 28, 2007 3:57 PM EDT reply actions
Another shoutout from the 865….Knox News Sentinel actually allowed this to be viewed for FREE on its normally pay Xtra site.
Could it be that Knoxville is actually concerned?
Nah…the truth is he was just a walkon and would never have contributed anyway.
But…there are still 2 months till season starts so we’ll keep trying to get on the Big Board.
by llpvol on Jun 28, 2007 4:06 PM EDT reply actions
- MCab – thanks for the laugh my friend. That’s a funny as shit album that gets airplay from me every now and then on the commute. Can a _ get a table dance!
by Out of Conference on Jun 28, 2007 4:07 PM EDT reply actions
“Wish that I was on ol’ rock . . . "
“Don’t you mean, ‘Rock-y top?’ "
“No. I was finished.”
by Doug on Jun 28, 2007 4:07 PM EDT reply actions
Like there’s any evidence that crack is addictive. Just more nanny state BS taking a man down.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a shitload of crack to smoke.
by Oops Pow Surprise on Jun 28, 2007 4:12 PM EDT reply actions
Now if the Vols can only keep their hands on the rock on the field instead of the crack rock…all will be well.
by Signal to Noise on Jun 28, 2007 4:14 PM EDT reply actions
I would imagine that being kicked off out of Fulmer’s Funny Farm would be the least of his problems as, if he is convicted, he will probably be sentenced to prison. Lots of prison.
by JB on Jun 28, 2007 4:15 PM EDT reply actions
#21
The Knoxville News Sentinel recently quit charging money for their govolsxtra.com information. They realized nobody paid for it. Thus, the free content.
by CFB Authority on Jun 28, 2007 4:25 PM EDT reply actions
@28—seriously? I can cuss John Adams for free now? Sweet.
by Holly on Jun 28, 2007 4:31 PM EDT reply actions
Classic.
“First of all, let’s get one thing straight:Crack is cheap”
by Scalz1 on Jun 28, 2007 4:33 PM EDT reply actions
Nothing beats Shinehead’s version of “Jamaican in New York”… fuck Sting… although Sting would be another person who’s a hero. The music he’s created over the years, I don’t really listen to it, but the fact that he’s making it, I respect that.
by Michigan Gator on Jun 28, 2007 4:42 PM EDT reply actions
A crack/powder disparity…from a guy who’s read Infinite Jest. Not sure how I feel about that.
Ah, who cares, it’s UTK*! Mete out the punishment! w00t!
*"UTK" = annoying, yes; but annoying to Tennessee fans, so it’s cool.
by now_a_hoo on Jun 28, 2007 4:43 PM EDT reply actions
Herban Meyer has offered the lad a scholarship.
by Jai Eugene on Jun 28, 2007 4:45 PM EDT reply actions
Holly,
Exactly my thoughts….John Adams = #############
by llpvol on Jun 28, 2007 4:46 PM EDT reply actions
Isn’t jail toilet wine called Pruno…not that I would know.
by Jeff on Jun 28, 2007 4:49 PM EDT reply actions
Take it easy guys. Just because the kid slings a little rock doesn’t make him a drug dealer. Jesus didn’t any of you go to college?
Books aren’t cheap.
by jebushchrist on Jun 28, 2007 4:58 PM EDT reply actions
That picture isn’t the actual rock he had, is it? Because, that’s a lot of crack!
by jebushchrist on Jun 28, 2007 5:02 PM EDT reply actions
OOC -
Smoked crack, got his job back. You can’t smoke crack and get your job back at McDonalds! Send your ass to Hardees!
Could the NCAA give him a few finger wags for a performing-enhancing substance? Cops’ll tell ya, there’s no stopping a basehead and no catching one eitherr.
by MCab on Jun 28, 2007 5:08 PM EDT reply actions
I believe it was Whitney Houston who said crack was for poor people…so that makes you wonder what Tennessee’s scholarship players are using…
by Billy in Baton Rouge on Jun 28, 2007 5:10 PM EDT reply actions
Orson,
I have a Mr. Jesse Jackson on line 1 wanting to discuss the propriety of the one-point crack bonus point.
by maskedavenger on Jun 28, 2007 5:17 PM EDT reply actions
Anthony Parsely and Jordan Smith are somewhere crying as their dealer is now in the pokey.
by Rush on Jun 28, 2007 5:23 PM EDT reply actions
Six points for this alone and it’s not enough to break the top 10? Yeesh. Though, I like the ska-beat by the piano in the Shinehead video.
Also, good call on the lack of Dr. Rockso. There can’t be any Rockso because this is crack – not cocaine. He doesn’t creepily put his hands into Murderface’s shorts and whisper “I do crack.” No. Two separate things, like shorts and jorts.
by John F on Jun 28, 2007 5:39 PM EDT reply actions
I didn’t panic. I knew it would happen sooner or later. Given their track record over the past 2 seasons.
by LL on Jun 28, 2007 5:54 PM EDT reply actions
You don’t have to smoke crack to have a good time, but it sure does help.
C-Bus N. 17th Product Rockers
by Jorgé the Bass Player on Jun 28, 2007 6:25 PM EDT reply actions
I just saw a guy wearing an “All Your Trophies are belong to us” shirt on Fox’s Red Eye outside the Apple Store in New York. Anyone want to take credit?
by John on Jun 29, 2007 2:26 AM EDT reply actions
I wonder if he had ever been offered a head job by Pookie for a hit of C R A C K.
Maybe Fhil should try a crack diet. He could drop an eighth grader in a week.
by CHARLIE MURPHEY on Jun 29, 2007 7:34 AM EDT reply actions
There’s something you should know about Justin, Mr Rogan: He smokes rocks
(then proceeds to eat entire bowl of elk penis in a light mayo sauce)
by chickensupernova on Jun 29, 2007 8:59 AM EDT reply actions
Is it all crack, or just the visual aid that Mr. Orson pulled up, that has a subtle tint of orange to it?
by Out of Conference on Jun 29, 2007 10:17 AM EDT reply actions
(you all know the tune)
Rocks of crack
you’ll always be
Cocaine and baking sod-ey
Good old rocks of crack
Cocaine and baking sod-ey
by jakldawg on Jun 29, 2007 12:56 PM EDT reply actions
So Tennessee’s in the game. Which of the obvious players are still missing? Where is Arizona State?
by Way Up North on Jun 29, 2007 3:41 PM EDT reply actions
ASU will pop up the instant Dennis Erickson leaves (which, given his past employment history, could be any day now) with an avalanche of charges. Same thing happened with Idaho. He’s like a dam for criminal charges. A dam in a golf cart jumping over a volcano.
by Chris on Jun 29, 2007 4:20 PM EDT reply actions
I don’t smoke crack. But I let a lot of people at my crack
by Shari Cayer on Jun 29, 2007 6:52 PM EDT reply actions
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