As pointed out elsewhere, Washington’s got a testicle-busting schedule on their hands. (Holy mixed anatomical metaphors!–ed.) Ty Willingham and company have decided what a good day to die is, and that is on Saturday. To wit:

Syracuse: Um, the Washington of the Big East? Even pitching here, but played in the Carrier Dome, which Syracuse actually inflates with pure helium during games. Unaccustomed to the pure, toxic form of the gas, Washington dies a squeaky little death in this game. (Don’t believe it? You come up with a better explanation of why good teams go bad in the unassuming Syracuse game environment.)


Ty Willingham and the Huskies: this year, they dine in hell.

Boise St: Beat a better Pac-10 team this past season in Oregon State, which looked like ashen heaps of shame for the Beavers until the Statue of Liberty Game. Now they’re the favorite here, which means they’ll have difficulty dealing with the pressure, stumble, and still win this game running.

Ohio State: Loss. Will not get ugly after the second quarter. Because it will be 20something to three then, and Tressel and the Sweatervest Mafia will call off the dogs. Fortunately, as this will be Tennessee/Florida week, no one will watch this game anyway, so it will be a quiet death.

UCLA: Loss. Fire Karl Dorrell!

USC: Hmm…are we mad to think that after a 26-20 near miss for USC last year, that Ty Willingham and company can pull this one out at home? Are we? And those purple gargoyles eating the curtains–they weren’t there five minutes ago, right? HUGHHHHH!!!

Arizona St Win! Why not. They’ll win one of these midseason games based on sheer spite acquired from the gauntlet of the first five games. Or they’ll be crushed, burned-out husks of themselves already. Hard to tell, really, but we like to think pink here at EDSBS.

Oregon Loss. Distrust this pick, however, as Dennis Dixon has a tendency to look very, very sleepy at times. (Hell, distrust them all…)

Arizona: Win! But only because Willie Tuitama, spinning wheels in the first year of the Mike Leach offense, throws four picks in his 62 attempts on the game.

Stanford: Jim Harbaugh, declaring himself eligible for a fifth season of eligibility, suits up and drives the Cardinals to their only win of the season, repeating their record of 1-11 from 2006. When asked why, Harbaugh simply answers “Because Jim Harbaugh bows to no man.”

Oregon St: Loss. We think, on a serious note, that beating USC transformed this team for good last year, or at least was the on-field manifestation of Mike Riley slowly rebuilding this program after the sugar binge of cheap success Dennis Erickson took the program on at the turn of the millennium. Plus they have a lineman who stole a gay sheep. We can’t, by rule, root against that.

California: Loss. Jeff Tedford fields the same team of Tedfordbots every year, and most years they beat Washington. It’s superior technology. Can’t fight that.

Wash St: Um…win? Who knows-both teams are treading the same miserable path out of the bottom of the Pac-10. These games usually come down to turnovers. That’s announcer-speak for “both teams are about even, but we haven’t done our homework due to an unfortunate drinking incident with Musburger at the Coyote Ugly last night. You do NOT want to see that man with his shirt off pouring shots down his chest. It’s something a man shouldn’t have to see.”

Hawaii: Hello, 22 year old athlete. You’re in Hawaii, and you’ve just undergone a season’s worth of federal, “pound you in the ass” prison football in the brutal Pac-10. In addition to that, you played Boise State, Syracuse, and Ohio State, and lost to at least two of them. You hurt. Your body’s tired. You’re defeated.

And then, you get on a plane in rainy Seattle, and walk out in paradise. Palm trees; sunshine; hot, beautiful flesh moving tantalizingly under very small bathing suits. Someone puts a drink in your hand, and you’re at a bar kissed by the salt breezes of the Pacific, which looks so much friendlier here a few time zones over.

When’s practice tomorrow? Yes, practice…why am I here again?

LOSS.


That’s quite a homefield advantage you have there.

That’s pessimism illustrated, there. But if Washington goes bowl eligible after that schedule, someone get Ty Willingham his pre-Notre Dame Taoist genius buzzcap back, because that is honestly the nastiest schedule this side of the Tournament Map in Mortal Kombat 2. 6-5 at Notre Dame got him fired; 6-6 with this twelve game schedule would be an act of alchemy meriting Nobel consideration with the Coach of the Year nomination coming as a nice bonus.