Last week’s Fulmer Cupdate is this week’s Fulmer Cupdate because very little happened in the universe of bad behavior in college football. The sums, followed by pondering, speculation, and other manufactured metacontent.

Notes, Speculation, and the usual errata.

Texas peeks in at the bottom of the big board following the arrest of Robert Joseph for breaking into cars in a (presumably) drunken stupor.

Anyone looking for examples of sober stupors may take a jumbo carton of Hot Tamales, dump the whole thing into your digestive tract in two minutes, and then report back to us on what a sober stupor truly feels like. We want no commentary on the Tamales’ remainder in twelve to sixteen hours, please, as it will truly be the most horrifying moment in your life when you meet it.

The rest stays static, with the “better and better” Illini still riding high on the burglary ring charges from way, way back in the Pleistocene reaches of one hundred and eleven days ago. The only real consolation is that you’ve lived this long without college football–sixty-eight days more is surely a cakewalk for a grizzled old scudder like yourself, no?

Crimes we expect to see from the summer lull: and and all involving the following.

75% will involve: Beer. Bars. Ladies. “Disrespect.” Hours past 12:00 local time.
Charges of public intoxication.

50% will involve: Theft. Property damage. Resisting arrest, which by itself is the Fulmer Cup equivalent of owning the utilities in Monopoly.

20% will involve: Construda, a.k.a. just plain old weed. Place this in the 75% bracket if the University of Florida is involved.

5% will involve: Jet-skis or other stolen watercraft. Dog-fighting. Tasers. Homoerotic content. Mudcat Elmore’s car. Gay sheep. Casinos (Ryan Perriloux edition only.)