FULMER CUPDATE: THE BIG BOARD RETURNS

by Orson on Jun 25, 2007 1:11 PM EDT

Last week's Fulmer Cupdate is this week's Fulmer Cupdate because very little happened in the universe of bad behavior in college football. The sums, followed by pondering, speculation, and other manufactured metacontent.

Notes, Speculation, and the usual errata.

Texas peeks in at the bottom of the big board following the arrest of Robert Joseph for breaking into cars in a (presumably) drunken stupor.

Anyone looking for examples of sober stupors may take a jumbo carton of Hot Tamales, dump the whole thing into your digestive tract in two minutes, and then report back to us on what a sober stupor truly feels like. We want no commentary on the Tamales' remainder in twelve to sixteen hours, please, as it will truly be the most horrifying moment in your life when you meet it.

The rest stays static, with the "better and better" Illini still riding high on the burglary ring charges from way, way back in the Pleistocene reaches of one hundred and eleven days ago. The only real consolation is that you've lived this long without college football--sixty-eight days more is surely a cakewalk for a grizzled old scudder like yourself, no?

Crimes we expect to see from the summer lull: and and all involving the following.

75% will involve: Beer. Bars. Ladies. "Disrespect." Hours past 12:00 local time.
Charges of public intoxication.

50% will involve: Theft. Property damage. Resisting arrest, which by itself is the Fulmer Cup equivalent of owning the utilities in Monopoly.

20% will involve: Construda, a.k.a. just plain old weed. Place this in the 75% bracket if the University of Florida is involved.

5% will involve: Jet-skis or other stolen watercraft. Dog-fighting. Tasers. Homoerotic content. Mudcat Elmore's car. Gay sheep. Casinos (Ryan Perriloux edition only.)

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Comments

Appreciate the HT on 5% Jet-Skis, as I made the audacious claim of that being a nice general theme for next week’s points.

by Brian on Jun 25, 2007 1:19 PM EDT reply actions

3% will violate animal husbandry standards

by drogue on Jun 25, 2007 1:43 PM EDT reply actions

75%,50%,20%, &5% = 150% ???

I remember Nordberg had a 50% chance of living, but there was only a 10% chance of that. Is this using the same kind of mathematical formula?

by Rome on Jun 25, 2007 1:47 PM EDT reply actions

Is the PSU score updated? I believe only Scirrotto and Baker are still facing charges (and Scirrotto’s lawyers have just filed for dismissal). But maybe those are just the remaining felony charges.

by smq on Jun 25, 2007 2:05 PM EDT reply actions

Rome-
The criteria are not mutually exclusive, as anyone who’s been to a party in the boonies of central Ohio should know.

Also, I think the 75% involving weed can be applied to Texas as well.

by RedDevilEA on Jun 25, 2007 2:05 PM EDT reply actions

Don’t underestimate the influence of thousands of freshmen entering Gainesville this weekend for Summer B. Always good for some fights and keg throws.

by mlmintampa on Jun 25, 2007 2:06 PM EDT reply actions

Another way to experience a sober stupor: eat 50+ wings at all-you-eat wing night (“Bash Night”) at Buffalo’s in scenic Canton, GA. As an added bonus, you’ll get to feel the legendary meat hangover the next morning.

by gosouthgohard on Jun 25, 2007 2:13 PM EDT reply actions

U-Wyoming looks like they could tag on additional FC points during the ongoing murder investigation. The teammates be actin’ like bitches and not talkin to the Po-Po when asked politely.

No points yet since being a witness to a crime is, well, not a crime. Unless by “witness” the police mean “accomplice”. If nothing else, it could be a point or 2 for Obstruction of Justice, etc.

by Aerobab on Jun 25, 2007 2:15 PM EDT reply actions

wow. i was going to comment of the homoerotic charges, but i just saw the GMC sierra ad. you’ve hit the bigtime, huh? but does anyone who reads this actually want an american pickup? i thought this blog hit more of the honda civic hybrid crowd.

by adam on Jun 25, 2007 2:15 PM EDT reply actions

lets not forget the possible charges of child cruelty, child endangerment, depriving children of food, selling children as food and misrepresenting the weight of livestock.

by kleph on Jun 25, 2007 2:29 PM EDT reply actions

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4fFUUqsm8o

My submittal for this week’s Cheesecake!

Waah wah weee wa!

by fat randy on Jun 25, 2007 2:32 PM EDT reply actions

- Thou doth protest too much, Champ.

by Oops Pow Surprise on Jun 25, 2007 2:36 PM EDT reply actions

Come on man…Florida gets the 75% bracket for the cheeba charges. What about my boys here in Austin? Remember Ramonce and his back pack full, or when Tarrell was caught with a gun while sleeping, and our former LB driving had a blunt under the seat. Ricky.

How mad or surpirse can Mack be? He bring sMcConaughey around like a team mascot and role model…what ddoes he expect?

by The Stos on Jun 25, 2007 2:42 PM EDT reply actions

They smoke that stank in Austin fo’ shizzle. That sticky-icky-icky.

by Hook'em Tide on Jun 25, 2007 2:50 PM EDT reply actions

That’s just how we do in the 5-1-2.

by Orangeblood on Jun 25, 2007 3:34 PM EDT reply actions

huh? i’m probably the honda civic hybrid-est of all. i was just taken by surprise that GMC would pay for ad space on edsbs.

by adam on Jun 25, 2007 4:04 PM EDT reply actions

I’m a hybird drivin’ SEC fan. I heart this place.

by Jerkwheat on Jun 25, 2007 4:14 PM EDT reply actions

my grammatical error of “hybird” vs. “hybrid” proves my SEC-ness.

Isn’t that right Mr. Delaney?

by Jerkwheat on Jun 25, 2007 4:15 PM EDT reply actions

It is mind-boggling that UF is in 3rd place. Sure Ronnie Wilson is horrible shot but why penalize the whole team? It is expected that Montana kids can shoot well.

by Jai Eugene on Jun 25, 2007 4:32 PM EDT reply actions

AJC credits Fulmer Cup to ripoff artists: http://www.ajc.com/blogs/content/shared-blogs/ajc/uga/entries/2007/06/25/fine_line_betwe.html

Unreal….

And all you lawyers need to tell Orson how to get this thing shut down, now that he’s got the ripoff kid’s name.

by PB at BON on Jun 25, 2007 4:41 PM EDT reply actions

No way…Michigan should be number one!

by Giant Sports Posters on Jun 25, 2007 4:44 PM EDT reply actions

Adam, all homoeroticism aside, there are readers of this blog that have the grossest of massive american land-borne conveyances…the three-quarter ton Suburban…which can proudly pull an extremely large boat while containing four exhausted parents and four screaming children bound for water-based nirvana, together with all their assorted accouterments.

I am, however, looking forward to learning to spell “hybrid”…

by sb on Jun 26, 2007 9:57 AM EDT reply actions

When I went and clarified the orgins of the Fulmer Cup over at SECF, they thought I was affilliated with EDSBS which I quickly cleared up. However, here was their response:

http://www.secfanatics.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=451150#post451150

by godawg on Jun 26, 2007 5:35 PM EDT reply actions