NITTANY LIONS BANISHED FOREVER TEMPORARILY WHATEVER

by Orson on Jun 21, 2007 5:12 PM EDT

The Penn State Apartment Brawl Thingy--earning Penn State a forty-plus pointer originally in the Fulmer Cup Standings--has dwindled now to a mere 20 or so points, depending on the variety of legal pleas dismissed or reduced as a normal part and parcel of the legal process.

The punishment for the players has shriveled like an exposed phallus on the tundra, as well. PREPARE TO BE TEMPORARILY KILLED BY DEATH, UNDERLINGS!!!

Two Penn State football players ordered to stand trial for their roles in an off-campus fight were expelled from school for part of the summer but will be allowed to take part in preseason practice.

Hit me again, Ike, and this time put some stank on it! No school, but you can still come to practice--that's the punishment from Joe Paterno, who must be fully sailing into the calm waters of the Gulf of Aingivafuck in his 38992th year of life. He's mellowed quite a bit, as the horsewhipped citizens of Bukhara, Transoxiana would testify, since Paterno was a particularly brutal mayor there in the 6th century.

In response, Urban Meyer described the punishment as "appropriate, but a bit harsh." We suppose in both places now, the "This is Sparta" rules apply.

This...is...Sparta!!! Note the sign, and don't worry about punishment.

P.S. We know that's supposed to be a guy kicking someone there, but it still looks like one guy knocking another guy into a pit with the kind of cartoon penis you'd draw in fifth grade. (HT: Kenny.)

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This is like when people get “suspended with pay.”

by MCab on Jun 21, 2007 5:45 PM EDT reply actions

Does this mean no Sunday stadium kleen up duty???

by yoyofutbawl on Jun 21, 2007 5:46 PM EDT reply actions

I guess it’s lucky that the guy has suck a big rod considering he only has one leg.
Nature finds a way.

by jebushchrist on Jun 21, 2007 5:50 PM EDT reply actions

*such a big rod…
forget it.

by jebushchrist on Jun 21, 2007 5:51 PM EDT reply actions

Jebus is stuck in a closet . . .

by MCab on Jun 21, 2007 5:59 PM EDT reply actions

I agree that this is a funny “punishment” and it is quite convenient as far as the football team goes but it should be noted that this was not Joepa’s punishment. This ruling came from Penn State’s Office of Judicial Affairs. As far as I know, Joepa’s stadium cleaning punishment remains in effect…

by psucanuck on Jun 21, 2007 6:01 PM EDT reply actions

Since I know this line of commentary is always looming on EDSBS’ horizon, I’m going to go ahead and kick it off.

“That type of penile attack reminds me of every bowl game I’ve ever played in.”
-Brady Quinn

and

“Take that, Tuberville!”
-N. Saban

by PW on Jun 21, 2007 6:27 PM EDT reply actions

Dean Wormer: The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me.

After reading the bio on the president of PSU, I’m beginning to understand the pillow beating these guys are taking here.

From the website: http://president.psu.edu/bio/

He is a magician and faculty adviser to the Penn State Performing Magicians, and he has performed with Penn State’s Musical Theatre students, the Blue Band, the Glee Club, and the Chamber Orchestra. He occasionally substitutes for the Nittany Lion mascot. He has run with the bulls in Pamplona, has a commercial pilot’s license, and plays the washboard with the Deacons of Dixieland, the Phyrst Phamly, and other bands. He and his racquetball partner are the nine-time, reigning Penn State co-ed intramural racquetball champions.

HOW DID THESE CHARGES NOT JUST DISAPPEAR?

by Mike P. on Jun 21, 2007 6:29 PM EDT reply actions

That sign just blew my fucking mind.

You guys kick ass, by the way.

by SlickBomb on Jun 21, 2007 6:55 PM EDT reply actions

It’s not just the ginormous and hilariously puerile cartoon penis, Orson. It’s the reference to Sparta that pushes the graphic over the top.

Next up, Lumberjacks no doubt.

by bitterhorn on Jun 21, 2007 7:42 PM EDT reply actions

After reading the bio on the president of PSU, I’m beginning to understand the pillow beating these guys are taking here.

Yes, because he came to PSU from Nebraska. Now it should all make sense.

by Run Up The Score on Jun 21, 2007 8:32 PM EDT reply actions

JoePa crapped his pants during a game last year. A bit off subject but that is just funny………and I don’t want to live in a world where an old man crapping his pants in front of a national audience isn’t funny. At least Bowden is smart enough to wear depends.

by Jon C on Jun 21, 2007 10:18 PM EDT reply actions

In Sparta, you only get in trouble if you get caught. Pretend like it never happened, and well, there goes the punishment!

by Brian on Jun 21, 2007 10:36 PM EDT reply actions

Any University President who plays the washboard with a “band” called the Deacons of Dixieland is ok with me. Remember this comment is from a jort wearing Floridian.

by Stockman on Jun 22, 2007 7:28 AM EDT reply actions

Mike P., I’m disappointed you didn’t go the less obvious “GOB Bluth” route with thato ne.

“Michael, I’ve made a terrible mistake.”

by Wooderson on Jun 22, 2007 7:58 AM EDT reply actions

Gob Bluth is a rank amateur in the presence of Tony Wonder.

by Orson Swindle on Jun 22, 2007 9:10 AM EDT reply actions

#12, one has to be alive to crap in one’s pants…Bobby Bowden hasn’t crapped in his pants because he’s been dead for over three years…haven’t you seen the movie “Weekend at Bobby’s”? reFSU has carted his lifeless carcass around in an effort to wrest the “Winningest Football Coach Ever” title from a still breathing JoPa. Honest.

by sb on Jun 22, 2007 9:30 AM EDT reply actions

Orson, this is the third Penn State story on your front page. I know you’ve been accused of being a closet Nittany Lion fan, but are you buttering us up for a road trip appearance in Happy Valley this fall?

by Nick on Jun 22, 2007 4:49 PM EDT reply actions