In EDSBS’s Hall of Fame, there sits an Auburn-themed niche carved in a wall of only the finest Carrara marble. In that niche sits a pair of busts: one of David Irons, and one of Kenny Irons, who combined form a duo of such excellence none shall ever supersede them.


Kenny Irons: friend to all, big…and small?

Their immortal resume (lettered into the marble in gold leaf, natch):

–David’s Wonderlic score: quatro, amigo. (Chinese for “a fucking four, big nose!”)

–David’s own quote about his brother in the greatest single interview ever conducted with a division one football player:

I told him the end zone is his zoo and if he runs to the end zone he can be with all of his little animal friends. I just told him to treat the football like a banana. You treat the football like a banana and you won’t let anybody at the zoo take your banana peel. He was like, “Yeah, that’s true.” And I was like, “Kenny, but it’s not yellow, it’s brown.”

–Kenny’s own interview where he discusses water polo:

“I tell people that I play water polo and if they ask me what position I play I tell them right water. I don’t even know if that is a position but I tell them that I play right water.”

Like all our little NCAA babies, they grow up to be men, eventually: midget-loving, unashamed, polymorphously perverse men, according to Kissing Suzy Kolber. From their intrepid reader Joel, who saw Irons at LAX on the way to the NFL’s rookie conference:

A few weeks ago I was working check-in at LAX airport for the rookie conference held in LA. JaMarcus Russell never said a word, Dwayne Jarrett dissed Keyshawn, and Bengals running back Kenny Irons brought more luggage than I’ve ever seen in my life. I asked him what was in the luggage, an innocent question, which prompted Kenny to hoist the luggage and proudly proclaim,

“I got a midget in here to suck my dick.”

Another line of gold leaf just went up on that wall, readers. God bless you, you midgetfucking geniuses of the gridiron. ONE HUNDRED COCKTAILS to Kenny and David Irons, and the typhoon of joy they bring with them everywhere.