BEAR GRYLLS SURVIVES COLLEGE FOOTBALL'S TOUGHEST ENVIRONMENTS
by Orson on Jun 21, 2007 9:00 AM EDT
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PrintBear Grylls doesn't have to do the things he does. But you may have to one day, and it just may save your life. Here are excerpts from the upcoming season of Man Vs. Wild.
Columbus, Ohio.
Scene: Bear, walking the tear-gas stained stained streets of Columbus following a game.
It's one of the world's harshest environments: Columbus, post-game. But you do have some help here. Fire is abundant, and since so much of survival is about keeping your spirits up, you'll need to start one as soon as possible. Fortunately, the local environment is filled with it: just look for a dumpster, trash can, or anything that will burn, really. It will likely be on fire.
You'll also need to find water, or risk dehydration. Even in cold weather like this, you'll have to find water, and find it quickly. If you can't find a river or creek, you may have to resort to desperate measures in a waterless environment. Find a styrofoam cooler, remove the top, and then perform an old Bushman's trick to give yourself an unpleasant but possibly life-saving refreshment. (These coolers are usually loaded with feces, a last-ditch source of water for survival.)
One warning, though: the liquid you squeeze from this may be pure beer, which may dehydrate you. If anything, it's a quick fix until you can find a real water source.
Miami, Florida: The Orange Bowl.
Scene: Bear is dropped into gameday in the Orange Bowl.
Stripping off parachute. The first thing you must know about this environment is how incredibly dangerous it is.
The indigenous wildlife here shoots lead pellets at astonishing speeds without warning or provocation. Many German explorers have found this out the hard way. People have been known to survive for years, even decades here, though, with the help of some sound survival tactics, a little luck, and the help of a wily tax attorney.
Be sure to dine on the local frogs, turtles, and wild birds, which are all excellent sources of protein. Do not, however, eat the local primates--they're either too old to consume, or too laced with silicone, which will poison you and kill you quickly, or worse still, covered in gold chains, tanner, cologne, and gel, which makes them nearly indigestible.
Pass them by, and look for a tasty frog before heading north to look for a way out and, if we're lucky today, a wily tax attorney.
Stuck in Starkville Mississippi.
Bear stands in the middle of Starkville, Mississippi.
This is a not a real result for me here: as you can see, I'm surrounded by miles and miles of absolute nothingness. The obstacles here are immense, indeed. No obvious water sources, no obvious food sources, and little to no possibilities of shelter. This is as close to a real wasteland as you'll find, but you can survive. Collect rainwater when it comes, and be sure to eat maggots from the carcass of corpses you find. It's protein in an environment without a lot of advantages, so take it while you can.
If you're looking for a dead animal, just look for their football program, one of the few obvious things in this desperate landscape.
Challenge: Lawrence, Kansas.
Bear approaches a huge, blue object.
Whoa, now here's a problem. It's huge, and we simply can't get around it by walking.
Survival throws up a thousand obstacles. This is just one.
We'll have to climb it. Not the best option, but this stands between us and survival, and we've simply got to get around it. When climbing, use your legs for power, and keep your arms straight and relatively relaxed. Conserve your energy in a resting position when possible.
This could take a while, so be sure to bring whatever food you've foraged with you.
Knoxville, Tennessee.
Bear trots at a nice pace along the streets of town.
Sometimes, survival is a matter of doing what you have to do. And sometimes that means hunting, even if you're squeamish.
Fortunately, the mountains of East Tennessee are full of well-marbled protein on the boot. The local wildlife is slow, large, and often clueless as to what's going on around them until the last second. Be careful, as once they are aware that you're hunting them, they can become really, really violent, and are armed to the teeth with all kinds of naahhhsty sharp things.
They also make nice shelter, as you can eat them, and then climb inside the huge carcasses for a warm night of sleep. Their bright orange hides make excellent signals, too, for potential rescuers to spot you by. A slingshot will do, provided you're stealthy and don't arouse them.
Remember, if you can't hunt one, you may be able to find a fresh carcass to eat off of for a quick boost of energy. Remember to only eat fresh kills, identified by vultures waiting nearby, the absence of maggots, and a freshly planted shiv or pool cue rammed through a body part. Also check the pockets--if their valuables are still there, then this is truly a fresh East Tennessee kill.
Grab your pocket knife, dig in, and most importantly, keep moving, survivor.
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I still don’t believe that shit in a cooler story. It totally sounds like something a person from Notre Dame would make up as to say "hey, we can’t do anything on the football field, but look at how classy we are. Look at us, aren’t we all that football fans should be? At least we _______ (fill in blank with graduate players, act nice, are polite, or are outstanding citizens) and that’s all that matters. Thats all that matters? Did Ty graduate his players? Were they polite? Well then, if thats all that matters, why was he fired? All the while, their team takes a shit on the field. Smarmy little fuckers.
by bhors on Jun 21, 2007 9:22 AM EDT reply actions
Orson, you’ve mimicked his writing style perfectly. Where will you be going in this Friday’s all new episode?
by beast in 'bama on Jun 21, 2007 9:28 AM EDT reply actions
I’d tend to think, and this is just pure speculation, if the animals left the neck meat, they had a damn good reason, seeing as they devoured the whole midsection with entrails.
by Brian on Jun 21, 2007 9:36 AM EDT reply actions
Bhors,
It is proven scientific knowledge that tOSU fans shit in coolers. You don’t need to bring ND into scientific fact.
I would also think that tOSU fans would love Bear Gylls. He pisses on his on clothing, than wears it to keep cool. The only difference between him and tOSU fans is that he takes the clothing off before he pisses on it.
Oh I am not finished!
He also wanders in to scociety from remote areas. Very similar from a TOSU fan making the journey from Tipp City into Columbus on Saturdays.
by Odell 51 on Jun 21, 2007 9:39 AM EDT reply actions
Bhors, don’t you think 8:22 in the a.m. is a little too early to start your inane diatribe. This was a funny post. So why not enjoy it, maybe laugh a little. How the fuck did a post mimicking the style of Bear Grylls set off the anti-Notre Dame chip in your head? Let’s have a contest for the rest of the day. Let’s see if there is any post that you can’t somehow connect to the irrelevance of ND football.
by Otm Shank on Jun 21, 2007 9:59 AM EDT reply actions
I’ve heard of “eat shit & die” – given this clip, I’m wondering if the corollary is “drink shit and speak the Queen’s English”?
by keosahawkeye on Jun 21, 2007 10:02 AM EDT reply actions
I did laugh, I thought it was funny. I was just saying I don’t really believe it. I just have an Anti-ND chip in my brain because I am surrounded by “them” and have to listen to how great ND is from people that have zero affiliation with the school. Not that tOSU is perfect, cuz its not, but at least I’m able to admit it.
by bhors on Jun 21, 2007 10:04 AM EDT reply actions
“There’s no fighting in here! This is the War Room!”
by drogue on Jun 21, 2007 10:05 AM EDT reply actions
Drogue, be careful what you say in here. Or you’ll have to answer to the Coca-Cola company.
by Orson Swindle on Jun 21, 2007 10:06 AM EDT reply actions
I didn’t know India’s answer to Brian Dennehy reads this board.
by rusty on Jun 21, 2007 10:14 AM EDT reply actions
Whenever that show’s on, I always hope for a MacGruber-esque descent into alcoholism from Grylls in the middle of an episode. “I’ve stumbled across… some gin! We need to find a lime tree here in… upper Canada.”
by Oops Pow Surprise on Jun 21, 2007 10:16 AM EDT reply actions
I wonder how many of us could fit inside Mt. Mangino’s sweatervest.
by PW on Jun 21, 2007 10:16 AM EDT reply actions
The man jumped into a frozen river in the Alps, and stayed there to chat… I would love to see what his insurance costs.
Greatest. Show. Ever.
by Jonathan on Jun 21, 2007 10:17 AM EDT reply actions
Long time reader, first time commenter. I’ve been busy plotting my revenge on Richard Gere for defiling Shilpa Shetty. She and I used to be an item, you know.
by Otm Shank on Jun 21, 2007 10:18 AM EDT reply actions
I wonder how many fraternity pledges are going to be forced to drink water squeezed out of large animal dung thanks to Bear Grylls.
by PW on Jun 21, 2007 10:24 AM EDT reply actions
Oops Pow!—
+1. We’ve prayed for the same thing, though only in the French Alps one. “Schnapps will keep you warm, and give you valuable carbohydrates.”
by Orson Swindle on Jun 21, 2007 10:25 AM EDT reply actions
Odds of his stumbling across a still in orange or blue country are heavily in his favor. Plus the smoke will keep the ’skeeters away.
by drogue on Jun 21, 2007 10:28 AM EDT reply actions
Things are mighty bleak in the ’Ville these days. The delicious ribs of [CORPSE REDACTED] only lasted us so long.
by AtomicDog on Jun 21, 2007 10:33 AM EDT reply actions
The key to escaping Starkghanistan is to steal a tractor and lay a large stick across your lap. It’s likely the indigenous mammalia will mistake you for one of their own, slowly traveling the highway on a day’s hunt.
by Allahver Fist on Jun 21, 2007 10:34 AM EDT reply actions
What’s weird about Mangino is that he doesn’t have a gut; he’s just big all the way around. When you get right down to it, Fulmer is an average-sized guy with a big ol’ Buddha belly, but Mangino is almost spherical. He’s about one Guthrie’s box away from total Weebledom.
by Doug on Jun 21, 2007 10:42 AM EDT reply actions
If Alabama fans are Bear Grylls, is Nick Saban the zebra meat or the maggots? I mean, my first choice would be zebra meat, but Saban was third choice. I guess that makes him either the maggots or the elephant dung. Must be the elephant dung, makes sense what with the logo and all.
by War Eagle on Jun 21, 2007 10:43 AM EDT reply actions
- - I just had everyone in my office come over to my cubicle because I did a spit-take upon reading “Starkghanistan”. I lived in MS for 5 years and never heard that one—priceless. On the bright side, I now have something to do until the next EDSBS post (clean coffee off my monitor).
by hawkeye on Jun 21, 2007 10:44 AM EDT reply actions
#24, perhaps Mangino should have a love child with Violet Beauregard. Just imagine: a perfectly spherical human being!
by rusty on Jun 21, 2007 10:46 AM EDT reply actions
I started to ask why no visit to Oxford, where Bear might encounter The Orgeron..but then I realized..there would be no Second Season of Man vs. Wild if that happened.
by CK on Jun 21, 2007 10:54 AM EDT reply actions
I would think the highly toxic nature of the cooler contents in Columbus would make them unsuitable for even a last ditch source of water. With the feces and urine would undoubtedly be high levels of lead, mercury, dioxin, methamphetamine, nicotine, cholesterol, nitrous oxide, formaldehyde, and a host of communicable diseases such as hepatitis, human papillomavirus, herpes, influenza, amoebic dysentery, typhoid and extensively drug-resistant tuberculosis.
I think the best source for a last ditch water source is the thousands of beer cans littering the streets, sidewalks, and lawns of Columbus. Although only small amounts of liquid can be recovered from each can, the abundance of the cans makes gathering an adequate amount an easy affair that can be accomplished on the move. And, although the alcohol in the beer will eventually dehydrate you, it will also act as an antiseptic for the above mentioned diseases.
by BaggyPantsDevil on Jun 21, 2007 11:09 AM EDT reply actions
25
“If Alabama fans are Bear Grylls, is Nick Saban the zebra meat or the maggots? I mean, my first choice would be zebra meat, but Saban was third choice. I guess that makes him either the maggots or the elephant dung. Must be the elephant dung, makes sense what with the logo and all.”
-Already, an uprovoked attack on the Sabanation by War Eagle. Let’s NOT turn this into another auburn envy/Bama threadjack or another Domer post. Stick to the subject, Lieutenant DoucheBag
by Hook'em Tide on Jun 21, 2007 11:43 AM EDT reply actions
This is hilarious stuff. You forgot one important detail however: in every episode, Bear describes in detail at least three gruesome death or near-death stories about the wild.
(whispering loudly) “There a story about a man from West Virginia, who got into a situation in the Orange Bowl just like this. He came across the 7th floor crew. He tried to run, but they simply caught up with him, and then they beat him, and gutted him, and trampled him, until his death. When rescuers found his body 36 hours later, his face was unrecognizable, and several organs had been removed, and so it just goes to show you, uh, how careful you need to be in a place like this. OK, we better go this way.”
by DigitalHeadbutt on Jun 21, 2007 11:54 AM EDT reply actions
“Sabanation”
That’s a good one. But should it be used as a noun or an exclamation?
by crabs on Jun 21, 2007 11:57 AM EDT reply actions
This Bear guy is shit compared to the other dude who strands himself. From the looks of it, this dude has cameramen, while the other guy, I dont remember his name, he films the whole show himself, so he’s truly alone. Thumbs down on this guy, hes more of a one man Fear Factor.
by Brian on Jun 21, 2007 11:58 AM EDT reply actions
Other survival items Bear could find in college towns:
1. Berkeley: Excess patchouli can be scraped from the indigenous inhabitants and provides carbohydrates and protection from stinging insects.
2. Baton Rouge: Corn dogs, while lacking in nutrional value, are plentiful and may be used to stave off hunger.
3. Tuscaloosa/Athens/Auburn: For added nutrition, try to snag a hat from a fraternity member. This will be a bit tricky as they are usually covered in hair. If you do get one these are a terrific source of salt as well as edible fungus which may be scraped from the bill.
4. Tallahassee: If you are unfortunate enough to find yourself in this godforsaken hellhole one last ditch source of survival can be sought out. While disgusting, it is easy. Seek out one Jenn Sterger, in a life or death situation her crabs can be boiled and consumed for protein.
Cheers, Bear
by JoesDeliGatorTail on Jun 21, 2007 12:11 PM EDT reply actions
Agreed with Brian as to the “hardcoreness” of the dude from Survivorman…but let’s face it, that show mostly sucks – Bear’s way cooler
by TJ on Jun 21, 2007 12:12 PM EDT reply actions
#34: Thats Survivorman. His best episode is this one where he puts himself in a life raft at sea for a week.
by JoesDeliGatorTail on Jun 21, 2007 12:13 PM EDT reply actions
City Slicker Questions:
1. Why doesn’t Bear Grylls just pack a !@#$ sandwich and a gatorade?
2. Which portly person stinks up the bathroom more, especially after a dinner of a half-dozen sloppy joes, beans, beer and curly fries?
A. Mangino
B. Fulmer
C. Weis
D. Rosie O’Donnell
Although Mangino is the biggest and would probably eat the most, I think Fulmer looks like the kind that gasses the bathroom really well and people stay out of their for days.
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Jun 21, 2007 12:16 PM EDT reply actions
Bear may have a camera crew, but he’s far more likely to do crazy/entertaining shit (climb clif and eat bird eggs whole, swim up African river, drink elephant poop, etc) because he’s got people with him. SurvivorMan is all like, “Well, I would [enter bat shit crazy thing here], but it’s dangerous and I have to stay alive.”
Pussy.
by CouchBurnin'Girl on Jun 21, 2007 12:18 PM EDT reply actions
All I know is that crabbin season is over, and that sucks.
by drogue on Jun 21, 2007 12:20 PM EDT reply actions
I’m not convinced that Survivorman is alone. There are too many shots of him from across a field or from the bottom of a cliff that he would need to set up for me to find it completely believeable.
by AllWhoYonder on Jun 21, 2007 12:23 PM EDT reply actions
Don’t care for Bear, he seems to “cheat” in some instances.
“The best way to handle the dangerous species of Miami is to keep a crutch handy. This is perfect for fending them off.”
by MCab on Jun 21, 2007 12:31 PM EDT reply actions
Also, the difference is that Bear is dropped into a place and has to get out. Survivorman only has to last for 5 days before a helicopter/boat comes and picks him up. Also, Survivorman seems to be whine alot and also does some very stupid things, things that anyone with only a little bit of outdoor survival knowledge would know not to do.
The only mistakes I’ve seen Bear make are mistakes of not knowing the geography or the fauna of the land. For example, in Costa Rica, he tried to climb through a Mangrove forest. I know this is a mistake, cause I’ve been in mangroves alot. He can be excused for making that mistake.
by GainesvilleRamblings on Jun 21, 2007 12:37 PM EDT reply actions
BTW, Orson, the Kansas City Airport deems your website to be pornography, which I unfortunately found out while stuck there yesterday. Is there a subscriber section I don’t know about?
by AllWhoYonder on Jun 21, 2007 12:44 PM EDT reply actions
- Survivorman is definately alone, he’s even made comments about how he has to go back for his camera equipment after getting certain shots. If you saw a shot of him from a bottom of a cliff, then he had to climb the cliff twice to get the shot and to retrieve his camera equipment. He’s way better than Bear, not to mention survivorman was on about three years before man vs wild
by ksd925 on Jun 21, 2007 12:45 PM EDT reply actions
ksd925, that’s pretty much to my point about Survivorman. If he is truly alone and in survival situations, why compound it by climbing up and down cliffs multiple times and such? I agree that the guy is a badass, but I am not sold on some of his practices.
by AllWhoYonder on Jun 21, 2007 1:01 PM EDT reply actions
Man vs. Wild? Oh, you mean “Completely Unnecessary”.
And yeah, Les Stroud does seem to have a harder go of it because he’s lugging camera equipment around, and doing everything on his own. Personally, I like “Survivorman” better except for one thing, Bear actually seems to enjoy killing things to survive.
Seriously, that turtle in the Everglades? That was hardcore.
by BDoc on Jun 21, 2007 1:48 PM EDT reply actions
I believe the Survivorman guy is Canadian.
Advantage Bear
by Mormon T. Suxorz on Jun 21, 2007 1:50 PM EDT reply actions
Survivorman is by definition a purer exercise, sure. But Les—we’re homeboys like that—always comes across as a lost stoner trying to rough it outdoors between evictions. Plus his relative scale of danger is so much smaller than Bear’s, because of the realism (“I’m really cold, and I think that toenail I stubbed today is getting infected.”)
Fuck reality: this is the Discovery Channel, dammit. Bear eats whole wild animals, gets naked in the snow just to piss fate off, and named one of his sons Marmaduke. Gonzo wins for us every time. And Bear is gonzo.
by Orson Swindle on Jun 21, 2007 1:56 PM EDT reply actions
Alas, the threadjack failed, though I did garner one personal attack.
I guess the Bear squeezing Elephant dung is a joke in it’s own right and I shouldn’t have tried to make it funnier.
by War Eagle on Jun 21, 2007 2:03 PM EDT reply actions
Crabs,
My grammar may be a little shaky, but I think Sabanation is a noun meaning the collective mass of delusional UAT faithful who do not see it as an embarrassment to name their children ‘Saban’ or to refer to themselves in the collective with a derivative of the name of a coach who has yet to win a game for the team.
by War Eagle on Jun 21, 2007 2:07 PM EDT reply actions
- and #55:
War Eagle: Just remember, there is freedom of speech in the good ’ol USofA, and whenever you want to smack ’Bama, please do. It is funny, in instances.
I like the passion of ’Bama fans, but do not understand their “pot calling kettle black”-type diatribes, while in the midst of a major mediocre rut.
Although, USC is my favorite team, and I am out West, I would prefer Auburn over ’Bama, if I had to make a choice, since Auburn gave the Raiders Mr. Bo Jackson – The Best Athlete of All-Time, an All Star football and All Star major league baseball player.
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Jun 21, 2007 2:32 PM EDT reply actions
Would Bear have the guts to find the nearest library in Columbus for abundance amount of trace proteins ? How would he tackle one Carl Monday?
Or Subcommadante Wayne? Especially after this http://newsoftheweird.com/wayne.html
by Johnny Drama on Jun 21, 2007 2:44 PM EDT reply actions
#34, 37-
Actually, I thought you guys were talking about Grizzly Man…and, uh, things didn’t turn out too well for him, right.
by spartymike on Jun 21, 2007 2:53 PM EDT reply actions
Sig: Les and Bear? Fucking greeenhorns.
by Out of Conference on Jun 21, 2007 3:10 PM EDT reply actions
Survivorcanuck=ivy league football
Bear=SEC football
by Willet on Jun 21, 2007 3:11 PM EDT reply actions
- and #20. I just saw a guy on Travel Channel, Anthony Bordain, who didn’t quite do the survival thing but he more than made up for it with drinking and drugs. The show I saw was on Peru and between the coca leaves, amazonian fermented spit drinks and halucinogens he certainly covered the substance abuse angle well.
And on another TV note, a former friday cheesecake girl, Sophia Vergera (sp?) was on Entourage this week. Muy caliente.
by oc phil on Jun 21, 2007 3:12 PM EDT reply actions
Drogue, RE: #40 — I’m right there with you. Sig and the boys on the Northwestern are my heroes…
RE: Man Vs. Wild — Let’s not forget: Bear is former British special forces, which means (probably) either SAS, SBS, or possibly Royal Marine. I’m certain he could kill pretty much any of us with his bare hands before we knew what hit us. Silently. With a smile.
The dude broke his fucking back in a bad jump and STILL cartwheels out of perfectly good airplanes and helicopters just for the joy of landing in the middle of some godforsaken wilderness and eating shit that most of us would throw up in our mouth a little bit just wiping off our shoe…
I
by Miller on Jun 21, 2007 3:47 PM EDT reply actions
I’ve been writhing behind my desk for the past few minutes, trying to keep the rest of my office from hearing gales of laughter at the whole Mangino bit. Fucking brilliant, Orson.
by Jackwraith on Jun 21, 2007 3:58 PM EDT reply actions
You should get Mike Rowe to be a guest on EDSBS Live! He could kick Bear Grylls ass.
by wayniackc on Jun 21, 2007 4:29 PM EDT reply actions
Anthony Bourdain should go to Miami. I’m talking Liberty City.
by MCab on Jun 21, 2007 5:03 PM EDT reply actions
Genius post, as usual. You forgot Indiana University after a football game. Target-rich environment there, to pirate Top Gun.
by McD on Jun 21, 2007 5:47 PM EDT reply actions
“And when climbing any object, especially the Mangino, you always need to keep at least three points of contact for stability.”
by Digital Headbutt on Jun 21, 2007 5:51 PM EDT reply actions
- and #60 You keep pointing out that Les is Canadian and acting like that’s horrible. Bear is British and in my book that’s at least equally bad, if not worse than Canadian
by ksd925 on Jun 22, 2007 11:10 AM EDT reply actions
Believe me things that Bear has done are starting to not add up. The Brit’s are getting very cynical about what Bear say’s/does in particular being ex SAS. Check out
http://www.mounteverest.net/news.php?news=16305
Looks like they have justified reasons!
by STEVIE on Jul 27, 2007 4:56 PM EDT reply actions
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