Everyday Should Be Saturday

June 21, 2007

NITTANY LIONS BANISHED FOREVER TEMPORARILY WHATEVER

The Penn State Apartment Brawl Thingy–earning Penn State a forty-plus pointer originally in the Fulmer Cup Standings–has dwindled now to a mere 20 or so points, depending on the variety of legal pleas dismissed or reduced as a normal part and parcel of the legal process.

The punishment for the players has shriveled like an exposed phallus on the tundra, as well. PREPARE TO BE TEMPORARILY KILLED BY DEATH, UNDERLINGS!!!

Two Penn State football players ordered to stand trial for their roles in an off-campus fight were expelled from school for part of the summer but will be allowed to take part in preseason practice.

Hit me again, Ike, and this time put some stank on it! No school, but you can still come to practice–that’s the punishment from Joe Paterno, who must be fully sailing into the calm waters of the Gulf of Aingivafuck in his 38992th year of life. He’s mellowed quite a bit, as the horsewhipped citizens of Bukhara, Transoxiana would testify, since Paterno was a particularly brutal mayor there in the 6th century.

In response, Urban Meyer described the punishment as “appropriate, but a bit harsh.” We suppose in both places now, the “This is Sparta” rules apply.


This…is…Sparta!!! Note the sign, and don’t worry about punishment.

P.S. We know that’s supposed to be a guy kicking someone there, but it still looks like one guy knocking another guy into a pit with the kind of cartoon penis you’d draw in fifth grade. (HT: Kenny.)



Filed under: Big 10 Conference, College football, Starters--Place at the Table!, brains, paterno, this is sparta  by Orson Swindle

CATCHING UP: KENNY IRONS, MIDGET LOVER.

In EDSBS’s Hall of Fame, there sits an Auburn-themed niche carved in a wall of only the finest Carrara marble. In that niche sits a pair of busts: one of David Irons, and one of Kenny Irons, who combined form a duo of such excellence none shall ever supersede them.


Kenny Irons: friend to all, big…and small?

Their immortal resume (lettered into the marble in gold leaf, natch):

–David’s Wonderlic score: quatro, amigo. (Chinese for “a fucking four, big nose!”)

–David’s own quote about his brother in the greatest single interview ever conducted with a division one football player:

I told him the end zone is his zoo and if he runs to the end zone he can be with all of his little animal friends. I just told him to treat the football like a banana. You treat the football like a banana and you won’t let anybody at the zoo take your banana peel. He was like, “Yeah, that’s true.” And I was like, “Kenny, but it’s not yellow, it’s brown.”

–Kenny’s own interview where he discusses water polo:

“I tell people that I play water polo and if they ask me what position I play I tell them right water. I don’t even know if that is a position but I tell them that I play right water.”

Like all our little NCAA babies, they grow up to be men, eventually: midget-loving, unashamed, polymorphously perverse men, according to Kissing Suzy Kolber. From their intrepid reader Joel, who saw Irons at LAX on the way to the NFL’s rookie conference:

A few weeks ago I was working check-in at LAX airport for the rookie conference held in LA. JaMarcus Russell never said a word, Dwayne Jarrett dissed Keyshawn, and Bengals running back Kenny Irons brought more luggage than I’ve ever seen in my life. I asked him what was in the luggage, an innocent question, which prompted Kenny to hoist the luggage and proudly proclaim,

“I got a midget in here to suck my dick.”

Another line of gold leaf just went up on that wall, readers. God bless you, you midgetfucking geniuses of the gridiron. ONE HUNDRED COCKTAILS to Kenny and David Irons, and the typhoon of joy they bring with them everywhere.



Filed under: Alabama man! he can drink he can bowl he can drink some, Blog Buddies, College football, HA-ha., Southeastern Conference, how deep is your love?, woo!  by Orson Swindle

FULMER, THE CUDDLY SIDE.

We usually get out the harpoons when the words “Phil Fulmer” appear on our radar–both because we dislike him, and bringing down something that big requires the use of serious tools. But Gene Wojeickdasdfhosqwkui of ESPN.com has to go ahead and highlight the positive side of Solomon Grundy’s soul we didn’t want to believe existed.

Fulmer’s first fundraiser dinner earned the Jason Foundation about $12,000. “I thought we raised the national debt,” Flatt said.

Fulmer did the dinners, the public-service announcements, the speeches and appearances. And if funds were still short, he reached into his own pocket.

If Flatt asked Fulmer to call a kid who was struggling with depression, the only question was, “What’s the phone number?” And he didn’t hesitate when Flatt asked him to talk with parents who had lost a son or daughter to teenage suicide.

DAMN YOU GENE WOKEJFKDSCWHATTHEFUCKEVER! We don’t want to mention that Fulmer not only has a soul, but works with a foundation that works with teen suicide prevention, and calls them personally, and gives them money. He is pure, dumb evil, Gene Unspellable! How much did it cost you to write that article, huh? Two grand with expenses?

Well now, think of the cost to our veil of willful ignorance, Gene. That was priceless. PRICELESS, DAMN YOU! Now we’ll have to think of some other way to type “Phil Fulmer is very, very fat” every time we mention his name, like “Phil Fulmer is calorically imbalanced, or worse yet, “…is very jolly.” You have raped us with your tale of Fulmer’s generosity and kindness–and not even in that funny “clown being raped” funny way, either.


Fulmer, seen here with Charlie Daniels, raises money for a good cause. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.



Filed under: Blog Buddies, College football, Southeastern Conference, charitable, phil fulmer is very  by Orson Swindle

BEAR GRYLLS SURVIVES COLLEGE FOOTBALL’S TOUGHEST ENVIRONMENTS

Bear Grylls doesn’t have to do the things he does. But you may have to one day, and it just may save your life. Here are excerpts from the upcoming season of Man Vs. Wild.

Columbus, Ohio.

Scene: Bear, walking the tear-gas stained stained streets of Columbus following a game.

It’s one of the world’s harshest environments: Columbus, post-game. But you do have some help here. Fire is abundant, and since so much of survival is about keeping your spirits up, you’ll need to start one as soon as possible. Fortunately, the local environment is filled with it: just look for a dumpster, trash can, or anything that will burn, really. It will likely be on fire.

You’ll also need to find water, or risk dehydration. Even in cold weather like this, you’ll have to find water, and find it quickly. If you can’t find a river or creek, you may have to resort to desperate measures in a waterless environment. Find a styrofoam cooler, remove the top, and then perform an old Bushman’s trick to give yourself an unpleasant but possibly life-saving refreshment. (These coolers are usually loaded with feces, a last-ditch source of water for survival.)

One warning, though: the liquid you squeeze from this may be pure beer, which may dehydrate you. If anything, it’s a quick fix until you can find a real water source.

Miami, Florida: The Orange Bowl.

Scene: Bear is dropped into gameday in the Orange Bowl.

Stripping off parachute. The first thing you must know about this environment is how incredibly dangerous it is. (more…)



Filed under: Atlantic Coast Conference, Big 10 Conference, Big 12 Conference, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Southeastern Conference, bizarro superman says you're welcome, reinhold messner would do it  by Orson Swindle

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