BLOGTOBERFEST! DAN HAWKINS TO RUN MARATHON ON MOON EDITION.

Blogtoberfest! Linky linky linky!

Montana Crime Arms Race Takes drastic new step. Shame both aren't D-1 teams, or they'd be booming ahead of the field in the Fulmer Cup race. Montana State had the early lead in a series of six drug-related arrests of current and former Montana State players, precipitating the firing of coach Mike Kramer. (Kramer's now insisting he was railroaded unfairly, which means a seventh MSU player will be arrested snorting yayo off the ass of a donkey in the middle of a convenience store parking lot in the next 48 hours. Mark our words.)

Montana, crime, cocaine, murder...football?

Montana, thanks to cornerback Jimmy Wilson, has responded in the intrastate crime race whether they like it or not. He's charged with murder following an altercation "earlier this month" in Palmdale, California involving a man and a woman related to Wilson. Wilson shot the man at his home, and he died from wounds to his upper torso later.

Wilson turned himself into LA County Police, who set a bail of one meeeeelion dollars for his release. He was Montana's starting cornerback last season. Guess that roster spot's wide open, aspiring Big Sky walk-ons.

Dan Hawkins is a complete failure... for not making his full distance in his attempt to run a marathon in Australia. LOSER! Hawkins, who trained for the race as the result of a bet with his daughter, will only run the half-marathon because he is a complete failure. This donut we're dining on, by the way, is simply fucking delicious.

Dan Hawkins: a real Spartan would have run a full marathon just to kick someone down a well.

Hawkins plans to atone for his failure by running an ultramarathon...on the moon. (Without a helmet, pussies.)

Speaking of donuts... Toledo's Tom Amstutz will, as reader DevilGrad sagely notes, have his donut budget cut somewhat as the Rockets' President has ordered a complete revamp of the program.

The real mental potholes jarring your eyes are always a bit down in the agate, so peer with us at this tantalizing language:

Records obtained by The Blade show that the wives and girlfriends of UT coaches, and boosters and other nonessential personnel, were allowed to fly with the football and men’s and women’s basketball teams at university expense. Records also show that coaches traveled to Germany and charged trip expenses to their UT credit cards.

Hot schnitzel! Fresh Bavarian pastries for Der Amstutzen! Even better, though: the team doctor was fired and this also follows in the article.

The university president ordered that the "inventory, storage, and dispensing of medications" in the department be placed "immediately" under the direction of the university’s director of pharmacy.

Jaunts to the Fatherland on the company credit card? Meds on the loose? Budgets running wild without an accountant's lasso? Toledo's quietly scandalous offseason just got even more so, and that says a lot given that they've already had a points-shaving scandal and a player break into a county sheriff's apartment "just looking" for a friend who lived a few doors down. More to come there, if the Toledo Blade's got a reporter with opposable thumbs and internet access.

We hope the Toledo coaching staff lived up to the high standards of performance set by Americans in Germany while they were blowing up the athletic department budget, though. We've got a reputation to uphold.

Urb sees a split in the defense, exploits it for 15 million yards...er, dollars. Urban Meyer pounces on the Billy Donovan situation, working a five year extension for 3.2 million a year. Nick Saban thinks you smell like poor people, Urban.

Despite the "overwhelming enthusiasm" for Ticketmaster voiced by the Penn State administration, students are still complaining about the 59 minute sellout of season tickets to the Nittany Lions' 2007 season. It's been exquisite news for ticket scalpers, however, as Ticketmaster-sponsored events always "just happen" to be: the price for a ticket to Notre Dame Penn State is running as high as $2,415 per seat on the EBays.

Easy schadenfreude is flowing like the finest of Franzia this morning over the Jimmy Clausen elbow surgery, since Clausen a.) plays for Notre Dame, b.) had a nationally televised signing straight from a WWE entrance, c.) has guylights in his hair, and d.) has a marginally famous last name.

Lest we lose sight of the fact that the story was broken by a blogger who actually earned credit for it on certain dignified, restrained mainstream media outlets. And remember that despite all four of those factors, he's a freshman quarterback with a bad elbow that will heal. The real concern should be his hemorrhoids--like huge, angry pomegranates, they are.

Yup. Just like that.

EDSBS Commenter Jebush H. Christ has a harrowing experience with his fourth-worst ex you should read about, since it validates everything we say about brown liquor: drink it, and someone's getting fought, felonied, fucked, fisticuffed, or maybe all four at the same time. Then again, that may be what you're looking for in the first place. If so, we'll pour the Maker's for you and run for the hills.

In other reader news, Kermit the Blog has their own list of the ten easiest schedules this year. He's at number six at the moment, and let's just say that Navy's list of opponents on the gridiron parallels that of its recent opponents on the waves. (Iraqi Navy = Ball State?)

Robert's also got his own South Carolina blog going, the new Third Down Draw. Nice blog, but predictable call. Our favorite third down call is fake punt, since the TE on the deep route is almost always open in NCAA.