COLLEGE FOOTBALL '07: ASK A SPAMMER

by Orson on Jun 13, 2007 9:20 AM EDT

We open the mailbag for our guest columnist, our resident local spammer. Enjoy AND UPDATE YOUR ACCOUNT INFOMRATION IMEDIATELY!!111

1. Dear Orson,

Is Michigan getting too much credit too early? I'm worried about our losses on the defensive side of the ball and feel like we're headed for another 2005-style letdown.

--Koncerned in Kalamazoo
Dear friend,

I am the the last surviving son of Amadou Foulanisake finance minister of LIBERIA country troubled by war and strife untold you must have heard of. IN my possession I have SIXTY MILLION DOLLARS AMERICAN from the LIBERIAN TREASURY and only need an outstanding dignity business partner for investment opportunity.

Amadou needs your help.

Please send banking information immediately to invest with us and help save oru family.

Also, we feel Michigan may be overdrawing on last year's successful account but is the default pick because no one knows who to pick in a muddled Big Ten. GOD BLESS easy pickings based on returning qb, rb, and wideouts and everyone else shuffling their personnel decks.

Yours sincerely,

AMADOU FOULANISAKE
HIS MOST INDULGENTLY INDEBTED
SON OF AMADOU FOULANISAKE, DECAPITATED
FINANCE MINISTER OF LIBERIA SAVE PRAISE GOD FOR YOU SIR

2. Dear Orson,

Wondering what you thought of the increasing size of players in college football, and not just at the obvious line positions.

--Fascinated with the effects of high fructose corn syrup in Fresno

d1d y0u heaR how B1g he waz?

He pract1cally p0pp3d 0uT of hizz pantz! I waS so sKared I c0ulDn'T m0ve! I have nEver seEn a man like that be4 and when I asKed him h0w it got so BIG he repl13d that h3 aws parT of teh S1Z3 R3V0LUTI0N!!!

Also, w3 CAN'T BEL13V3 H0W B1GG some players are on the rosters this year. Washington wideout Marcel Reece stands 6-3, 240 as a senior in college, a roughly Darryl David Boston-sized wide receiver before he ever sees a professional "supplement." Oklahoma's o-line averages 6'5", 317 across the front. Texas A&M running back Jorvorskie Lane is 270 after he takes a hearty crap.

The biggest change has been at skill positions, while line size fluctuates depending on the scheme and preferences of the line coach/OC. At FSU and Alabama, you'll see lower weights across the board on the offensive lines because of an emphasis on mobility and speed. Oklahoma's evidently fine with breaking the training table with their o-line.

Jorvorskie Lane: I cANT b3LI3v3 hiZ SIZ3!!!!111

TEH S1Z3 1Z TrEM3ND0uS!!!! h0P3 Ur F00TbALL T3AM K33pZ UP!!!

3.Orson--

Do you believe in the preseason hype surrounding Missouri? Gary Pinkel's been just on the edge of making the Big 12 championship for what seems like five years now, and every year something happens to kneecap the Tigers. Is this year the year?

--Pinkel Patience Preparing to Pop, Missouri

Finding the secret to health is easy with TAHITIAN NONI JUICE it promotes healing reduces inflammation and is best secret for healthy lifestyle. For elderlies, the bone strength, it improves; for young, the benefits of health are all too apparent. And for adult, the secret powers of NONI JUICE for the loving time are known worldwide as the PAPUKI people who drink it engage in teh congress of life up to EIGHT TIMES A DAY.

If results most desired are not achieved then continue for five to seven years.

Best used for five to seven years, like Gary Pinkel.

We also believe Gary Pinkel, like the Tahitian NONI JUICE must be repeated for five to seven years with promises of GREAT THINGS around the corner faithfully in order for most best results to show. Just keep waiting and THE GOOD THINGS will no doubt be yours with Pinkel...er, TAHITIAN NONI JUICE!!!

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Comments

Were you speaking of David Boston?

by TideInTx on Jun 13, 2007 9:33 AM EDT reply actions

Let me tell you how much press um football is getting – they had an entire category on last night’s Jeopardy!

My saddest moment – I got every question correct.

by PSUgirl on Jun 13, 2007 9:33 AM EDT reply actions

Sorry I missed the show last night. A meeting popped up last minute that couldn’t be avoided. But if I was going to miss any show, the one on the Big XII is the one to miss. Can’t wait to listen to the rebroadcast.

And can a pill that’s just as safe as a sugar pill really give me mor3 siZ3?!?!?!!!! And Amadou, where’s my money man? I want my money? You take my bank account info, and never send me my 30 million? Asshole.

by RaginCajunRebel on Jun 13, 2007 9:35 AM EDT reply actions

I was so hoping Laka, my favorite Russian hooker/mail order bride would be featured in this thing… I mean, she’s just seeking for a nice man of America to spend with which her times. Give her a chance.

by GatorAM on Jun 13, 2007 10:05 AM EDT reply actions

On a completely unrelated note:

“World Trade Center screenwriter Andrea Berloff is finalizing negotiations to adapt the story of the Fugees, a youth soccer club comprising international refugees, for Universal.”

http://www.comingsoon.net/news/movienews.php?id=20993

Sorry for being repetitive if someone else has already mentioned it without me noticing.

Edit: Posting problem fixed. Or I just double posted. Bah.

by SC_Gator on Jun 13, 2007 10:10 AM EDT reply actions

My favorite part was when you had to bail on the leet speak halfway through the 2nd email response, only to finish with a bang, going back to the leet speak.

It would have taken you all morning to type the entire response in leet speak, so we’ll allow it. :)

by CFB Authority on Jun 13, 2007 10:25 AM EDT reply actions

You know how I know that Liberian email’s bullshit? There ain’t 60 mil left in the country anywhere. Thanks, Charles Taylor!

by PeteJayhawk on Jun 13, 2007 10:28 AM EDT reply actions

Speaking of OU and “extra” supplements…

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/football/ncaa/06/12/bc.fbc.oklahoma.ncaa.ap/index.html

by jfinke on Jun 13, 2007 10:29 AM EDT reply actions

Amadou Foulanisake never heard of “escrow” apparently.

So many quotes, it was hard to choose one.

King Jaffe Joffer: Time does fly fast, my son. It seems only yesterday I ordered your first diaper changed. Now you’re a man about to be married. She will give you much pleasure, don’t you think?
Prince Akeem: I’m not sure if I’m ready.
King Jaffe Joffer: Son, I know we never talked about this. I always assumed you had sex with your bathers. I know I do.

by Brian on Jun 13, 2007 10:36 AM EDT reply actions

Orson, there seems to be a resemblance to “The Onions’,
”Ask a Man who’s…". My favorite was “Ask a man who’s jowls deep in Phyillis Diller’s pussy”.

by Johnny Dogwalker on Jun 13, 2007 10:40 AM EDT reply actions

re: Phyllis Diller’s pussy and being jowel deep: wouldn’t one need a snorkel for that?

by DC Trojan on Jun 13, 2007 10:50 AM EDT reply actions

Honestly Pete – there aren’t any problems that Charles Taylor caused that Heath Shuler can’t fix.

by Jerkwheat on Jun 13, 2007 11:12 AM EDT reply actions

and #11, I laughed so hard at these two comments, that a person walked by my office and looked at me like I was nutso.

by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on Jun 13, 2007 12:06 PM EDT reply actions

Unfortunately, Mr. Lane has slimmed down to a svelte 263 lbs. Though, that just means he’ll have a little more speed behind his mass when he meets up with opposing linebackers and defensive backs.

by BDoc on Jun 13, 2007 12:26 PM EDT reply actions

Ready for a sxey tailgate chat EDSBS reader?

by rob on Jun 13, 2007 12:38 PM EDT reply actions

between the collie/bear pics in the last post and 10& 11 lunch just came to a screeching halt.

by jakldawg on Jun 13, 2007 12:46 PM EDT reply actions

That collie picture scares me. Please, orson, tell us you’re not one of those guys in the furry animal suit you see on “MTV: True Life” from time to time.

by Wooderson on Jun 13, 2007 1:03 PM EDT reply actions

Not sure about y’all, but my SPAM is starting to taste stale. They need to start mixing thing sup to make it fresh again:

“I have a limited supply of printer toner cartridges from Nigeria for 80% off that will increase your penis size, make you last longer, improve your credit score and re-fi your mortgage for 4.15%. I can’t post pictures of them here, I’m a little shy about using this site, LOL. CLICK HERE to see sexy pics of my cartridges, or chat with me at sexydiscountnigeriantonercartridges at yahoo dot com.”

Your really cute, I can’t wait to talk to you soon!!!

-Mandy xoxoxoxox

by Kanu on Jun 13, 2007 1:04 PM EDT reply actions

Kanu, you are brilliant.

by RaginCajunRebel on Jun 13, 2007 1:58 PM EDT reply actions

Can question #3 be changed to “u of arizona” and the coach be changed to “mike stoops?” Allllllways just about to turn the corner. Any minute now. Just wait. Here it comes.

by Beatuofa on Jun 13, 2007 2:22 PM EDT reply actions