FULMER CUP SCOREBOARD: HENRY MELTON IS LOOSE, CALL ANIMAL CONTROL

This week's Fulmer Cup Scoreboard is in the books. Apologies, errata, and outright stupidities follow. As always, complete standings may be found at the SAS Wiki page for the Fulmer Cup, manned by the best minds of our generation.

Notes:

Florida bumps up a few points thanks to the admirable and sadly illegal thievery of a dreaded UPD boot from Dorian Munroe's car by one Dorian Munroe.

We still await the popular uprising by Florida students to get Munroe's felony charges dismissed in the case, since, as commenter DogtownGator pointed out, stealing a police boot is sticking it to the man hard like Turk 182 would. Dorian should wear the V mask during games next season just to boost his rep as Florida's Antiauthoritarian People's Champion.

Dorian Munroe, you're not alone.

Henry Melton ran wild in the streets of Austin this past Friday morning, a violation of public safety applicable for both the Austin Police Department and local animal control authorities. Melton, a defensive end who served as the 270-pound Awesomeback for the Longhorns in goal-line situations in 2005, was arrested for DWI after police noticed him driving erratically through the Sixth Street entertainment district.

His lawyers plan to defend the case by claiming he was woozy from a tranq dart fired at him from a nearby helicopter of wildlife specialists and documentarians from Animal Planet. Two points for Texas, for the DWI, which we'll happily remove on the condition that Mack Brown move Melton's majestic bulk back to running back where it belongs.

There's a run on tight end mischief in the '07 Copa, and not just at Purdue, where they run that place. Pitt TE Darrell Strong tested the limits of cellphone durability by damaging his ex-girlfriend's phone and purse during an argument, for which he earned criminal mischief (tee-HEE!) and trespassing charges and two points for Pitt.Strong, 21, of Sunrise, Fla., is accused of damaging the woman's purse and cell phone during the altercation that began in an apartment and moved to a fast-food restaurant in the Waterfront complex where police were called at 7:55 p.m. Monday, Homestead police Chief Jeffrey DeSimone said.

So the script ran something like this:

(Scene: apartment.)

Strong: I am so angry at you.

Girlfriend: I, too, return your anger, but suggest we eat first, and then see if this whole tiff is just low blood sugar or something.

(They leave. Scene changes to local Wendy's.)

Strong: That Spicy Chicken Sandwich was superb.

Girlfriend: My baked potato was excellent, as well, and affordable as it is one of several great values on the dollar menu. Still mad?

Strong: Enraged, in fact. Give me your cell phone and purse. I will damage them to show you the depth of my passions.

(They fight.)

Strong was also suspended for two games last season for making an obscene gesture to South Florida fans, presumably to show them, too, the depth of his passions.

When you're around the Wannstache this much, it's hard not to be passionate.

Finally, you'd think we'd assess points for [NAME REDACTED] butchering "Take Me Out To The Ballgame." Instead, we'd like to point out that we told you he was magical, and you didn't believe us. Yet there he is, with a cheat sheet in front of him to get through the lyrics...and actually using it. If magic is a crime, then arrest him...if you dare, earthling or Illini fan. It's your 8-5 ceiling to lose.