June 1, 2007
RADIO SILENCE ENDED: THE OFFICIAL EDSBS STATEMENT ON BILLY DONOVAN
Since someone assumes we care about basketball, we give our official statement on the Billy Donovan signing.
Ahem.
Thank you for eleven years of stellar service. You grew the puny sapling that was the Florida program into a mighty, ass-kicking oak of immense strength and power. You are to credit, and for that talent the Orlando magic is about to turn you into a cash-farting demigod. Congratulations, and thanks.
That said: turn in your sword immediately. If you refuse, guards will take it from you by force. Your shield shall be broken in four pieces and melted anew, so that you may no longer enjoy its protection. Your epaulets shall be stripped from your shoulders, and your ceremonial robes will be torn from your body.
You shall leave the city naked on the dusty highway with naught but your hairgel to comfort you. We will not see you, as our backs are turned already to you, our faces scanning the horizon for a younger, even more brutal champion. You are now dust.
Again: our gratitude is immense. It also ends here. This is Sparta. See you at the bottom of the well, sir.
BELATED CHEESECAKE, PART ONE: UGA GIRLS ON ROLLERBLADES
Okay, real life’s browbeating us today. Here’s some tide-over cheesecake of Bizarro Bulldog nature, which is Latino only in that involves gratuitous bikini content.
UGA girls on rollerblades:
For winning 15 out of the last 17, we at least owe you this tiny slice of cheesecake.
CLERGY FIGHT! ISU WANTS A CHAPLAIN.
The road to hell has a driver named Gene Chizik on it. We mean, it actually doesn’t, since Chizik says he “has faith in his life,” and hasn’t killed anyone besides Joel Klatt (and even then he told other guys to do it.) Again, Buffalo fans, just don’t watch.
He needs a priest! If only he played for Iowa State, whose attempt to pay for a chaplain to counsel and advise the team has Iowa State administrators fretting over church/state separation, has the ISU Athletic Director on the butt end of a petition from a whopping seven percent of the student body, and has quarterback Bret Meyer telling those concerned about the whole thing to kiss his ass, albeit only in a Christlike way:
‘‘To me, if it’s not going to involve you — the professor making the petition — just mind your own business,’’ Meyer said. ‘‘We’re not hurting you, we’re not bothering you, (so) just leave us alone. It’s unfortunate that they’re trying to make a big deal out of it.
For the record, the chaplain would be paid for out of private funds from the ISU booster club, which means no state funding would be involved in the chaplain’s salary. We at EDSBS only have the following editorial points we would like to offer in response to the story:
–If a chaplain is given an official paid position, then in order to be fair an imam, rabbi, Scientologist with e-Meter and clipboard, priest, Wiccan lesbian priestess with a Dead Can Dance t-shirt, Zen monk, Zoroastrian priest/fire technician, Mormon-type clergyman, Inuit shaman, and Aztec war cleric need to be hired, as well.
–If Iowa State does it, every other single team needs to do it, as well.
–Dibs on Mola Ram, Thuggee cult leader for UF!
–And finally, once this is accomplished, we abolish the Kansas City Tiebreaker and instead substitute a clergy fight at the fifty won by knockout or submission hold. Our money’s on Mola Ram.
(HT:Dave.)
Mola Ram, official cleric of the 2009 National Championship Florida Gators.
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