On the heels of an Alabama Crimson Tide fan actually naming their child “Bryant Crimson” this past week, suggest names for babies and the fans who have them.

Auburn Tigers.…Shug Plainsmen. Delightful mix of the formal and informal. Seriously, give us a month, and there will be a baby named this.

Arizona State Wildcats Sun Devils.…Ripper McTavish. Just because with the Dennis Erickson takeover, the names have got to class up to the level of scoundrality brought to the program by the original football contract buccaneer. Ripper’s the man here.

Colorado Buffaloes…Rock Brockford. Because Colorado needs a dude named Rock.

South Carolina Gamecocks…Brock Cockford. Because South Carolina needs a dude named Brock Cockford.

USC.…McKay Peter. Just tony enough to have the West Coast aristocratic feel, but with enough football nods to keep people from assuming he was bound for Stanford, god forbid.

LSU.…Cannon Chineezebandito. Historical, yes; but with enough flair to make it onto the roster.

Oklahoma.…Sodbuster Switzer. How much would love to make an announcer say the name “Sodbuster.” It would be, like, close to De’Cody Fagg good, especially if Oklahoma was blessed with the gift/curse of being the Musbergame of the week.

(Brent Musburger, btw, is aware of your internets googles and youtubes, and is being careful about what he does in bars:)

Florida. Obeecee Jackson. Combines phonetics of Ol’ Ball Coach’s acronym with the name Jackson. If you want your child to play for Florida, it helps to have the last name Jackson, since something like 40 percent of all Florida Players have.

Although the title of Ms. Universe went to Ms. Japan (which I thought was a travesty), we here at EDSBS believe that there are no losers in this wonderful competition. I mean, are you going to call Ms. Brazil as loser???? We sure won’t:

Miss Brazil Natalia Guimaraes

More worthy cheesecakery after the jump (more…)

We knew vacation was over when the vodka ran out–which, sadly, it did. We’re back, up, and hoping to take the Serena Williams approach to blogging fitness. Meaning we’ll play our fat asses into shape over the course of the tournament. Edit: our fat beautiful asses.

Getting in shape? That’s what the first two rounds are for, suckers.

The morning roll call of extremely important events we missed while gone:

Auburn recruits allegedly changed the grades of two players had grades changed at the last minute to make them eligible, according to the Mobile Press-Register. We normally don’t even post allegations of malfeasance sent to us by either Alabama/Auburn fans re: Auburn/Alabama football players, but this one comes from an actual newspaper, not Roscoe’s House O’ Cheatin’ Bastards.blogspot.com.

The NCAA is investigating… (more…)

Every year at this time it seems the debates start again over conference supremacy. On any given year, despite being SEC homers, we can see how reasonable minds can differ… with respect to football that is. That said, we will not tolerate any argument over fan passion. Exhibt A, check out this beautiful child, born in Huntsville, Alabama, who will be forever cursed blessed with the noble name of Bryant Crimson. Bravo Mom and Dad!

It was pointed out to us that, although we have featured Ms. Agustina’s (not her real name) posterior before, she was never officially a Friday Cheesecake entry. So here we go. We give you, Keyra Augustina of Argentina.

(more…)

On vacation…but you must love autoposting. And you must love Texas Gal for providing this boozy peek into the inner sanctum of a Texas fan’s lovesoul as the next chapter in our “How to Make Love to a ______ Fan” Series. Enjoy this and the rest of the Ladies work over at Ladies…if you dare.

How to Make Love to a Texas Longhorns Fan

Hello, darlin’.

I can tell by that special glint in your eye, that only appears once a year around the second week of October, that you’ve got two tickets to Texas-OU burnin’ a hole in your pocket, and you’re just itching to ask me to be your date for the weekend. I won’t sit in a guy’s SUV (with Ducks Unlimited sticker) for the three-hour drive to Dallas for just anyone, baby- you gotta put on your best burnt orange button down (bonus for pearl snaps), polish up your best belt buckle (not one of those icky big ones the cowboys wear- the pretentious kind with sterling silver shotgun shell caps, like the Texas Cowboys wear) and scuff up your oldest pair of Red Wings. I want you to go all out, like Roy Williams reaching for the end zone. You like it old school? Then I’m looking for a Priest Holmes level effort, sweetheart. (if you were looking for a Tyler Rose or James Street reference, my dear, you’re way too old for me.)

Looking for you to score like Priest Holmes.

Can I go ahead and request some Cory Morrow, Ragweed and Reckless Kelly for the drive? It’s mood music that will get me ready for our weekend of lovin’. I can’t wait to see the swank, $65 a night hotel you reserved for us for the weekend. (more…)

…nowish, actually. We’ll be up in the mountains of North Georgia this weekend, starting early tomorrow and doing absofuckinglutely nothing for five days that doesn’t involve Zubrowka Vodka, the liquor that ensures we never, ever forget Poland.

Tomorrow we’ll auto post LOLQBS and Texas Gal’s guide to making love to a Texas Longhorns fan–bring your spurs!–and Friday’s Cheesecake will also be, like your mother on New Year’s, pre-loaded. Other than that, there will be no manic in-day posting until Tuesday, as we are going to be sitting in a hot tub and re-reading Holidays in Hell and I Lived to Tell It All: The George Jones Story. Did you know kidnappers once tried to overdose George Jones by “forcing spoonfuls of cocaine” up his nose? Did you know that you can’t overdose George Jones? You do now.

We’ll attempt to overdose on lethargy over the next five days or so. Suspecting that it can’t be done, but we’ll try. And no, we’re not taking a bike. Those things will fucking kill you dead.

Man break bone die funny!

Take care, –O.

Part two of our “How To Make Love To A ______” series: Holly from Ladies Dot Dot Dot brings the beta on how to properly make love to a Tennessee fan. Two words: “doe urine.”

Be sure to check out Lady Andrea’s guide on making love to a St. Louis Cardinals’ fan. We don’t know what sport this refers to, but guess it’s an Arena League Football team of some sort.

How to Make Love to a Tennessee Vols Fan

Hey there, Tennessee Volunteer. In the gleam of the table lantern at the neighborhood Cracker Barrel, I can see that special look in your good eye. I’ve been holdin’ out longer’n Davy Crockett at the Alamo, but I just can’t fight this feelin’ anymore. Tell the waitress to keep the change, high roller, and let’s hit that dusty road. Time for us to get on home and get on down to some four-wheelin’ of an entirely different sort.

The camera adds 250 pounds: Phil Fulmer in real life will sex your mind off.

I’ll even sit in the middle seat on the way home so you can sling one arm around my shoulders. Is that a Slim Jim in your pocket or are you just…oh. A Slim Jim! Awww, baby, you didn’t have to buy me dessert. (more…)

Yes, the site blew up for a few hours this morning. We’re moving on and drying our tears as we speak.

Ryan Perrilloux, perhaps seeking a deeply satisfying evening of faro-playing, bourbon-chugging, and flirting with ladies of ill repute in hoop dresses and bustiers, attempted to board a riverboat casino in Baton Rouge, Louisiana this past Saturday.

The shocking part? He was actually carded and arrested, presumably after watching eight-year olds with buckets full of nickels and daquiris in hand walking freely past the guards at the casino doors. This would not be a big deal if Perriloux hadn’t already been associated with a a counterfeiting ring that used casinos to exchange faux cash using casino tokens. It was also not be a big deal if he’d attempted to use his own ID, which he didn’t, instead opting to use his brother’s ID–the attempt that got him ultimately arrested.

Ryan Perrilloux: looks almost like his older brother. Key point: almost.

Empirically, it’s small change. The Fulmer Cup awards LSU a point for this. Anecdotally, though, this has got to be heartening for Matt Flynn, LSU qb. His only real serious competition for the starting role just evaporated thanks to an indefinite suspension by Les Miles. And even when he comes back, Perrilloux’s continued loitering at casinos shows he may be suffering from the most dangerous injury of all: the dreaded sprained cerebrum.

What: EDSBS LIVE online radio Click that or the banner thingy to your right to listen…if you want your brain exfoliated.

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum (which has gotten damn lively). To phone in to the show, just call (310) 984-7600. We’re having real, live RADIO PROFESSIONAL PAUL FINEBAUM ON TONIGHT, just because we want to feel bad about ourselves. (Low self-esteem = more drinkz0rz yay!)

What: Tonight’s special guest is…Paul Freakin’ Finebaum, Alabama journalistic provocateur and current Saban-watcher. We’ll ask him if he’s interviewed Saban and find out if the new coach has had time for that shit or not.

We’re also going to talk USC football, the other goliath under discussion tonight, with Scout.com’s beat writer Garry Paskwietz, who will tell us how Pete Carroll gets those kickin’ abs.

Finally, we’ll have BearMeat’s creators on, since we can’t talk megaprograms without discussing…Baylor.

Finebaum: currently diagramming your next five outrages at him, Alabama fans.

Four Questions: As always, our four questions for the night.

1. Big program you really think deserves the awe. Texas. Something about the power of livestock compels us.

2. Big program which has caused you the most personal anguish.

FSU. The lone consistent brown streak in the clean white undies of the 1990s Florida story. We say consistent to rule out that little 1996 Fiesta Bowl thing ouch bleed thanks for the pain, asshole.

3. Little program you wish was a big program? USF. They’re on the way, but Tampa trash gone college gonzo would be just epic.

4. Name an overrated hottie. Kirsten Dunst is a sunken chested lamprey-woman. Why Spider-Man goes to any lengths to save her mystifies us. Personally, we’d prefer to fight for Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) from X-Men, if only because she looks a little too excited when Wolverine assaults her in the first one.