NAMES: BABIES NEED 'EM
by Orson on May 29, 2007 1:49 PM EDT
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PrintOn the heels of an Alabama Crimson Tide fan actually naming their child "Bryant Crimson" this past week, suggest names for babies and the fans who have them.
Auburn Tigers....Shug Plainsmen. Delightful mix of the formal and informal. Seriously, give us a month, and there will be a baby named this.
Arizona State Wildcats Sun Devils....Ripper McTavish. Just because with the Dennis Erickson takeover, the names have got to class up to the level of scoundrality brought to the program by the original football contract buccaneer. Ripper's the man here.
Colorado Buffaloes...Rock Brockford. Because Colorado needs a dude named Rock.
South Carolina Gamecocks...Brock Cockford. Because South Carolina needs a dude named Brock Cockford.
USC....McKay Peter. Just tony enough to have the West Coast aristocratic feel, but with enough football nods to keep people from assuming he was bound for Stanford, god forbid.
LSU....Cannon Chineezebandito. Historical, yes; but with enough flair to make it onto the roster.
Oklahoma....Sodbuster Switzer. How much would love to make an announcer say the name "Sodbuster." It would be, like, close to De'Cody Fagg good, especially if Oklahoma was blessed with the gift/curse of being the Musbergame of the week.
(Brent Musburger, btw, is aware of your internets googles and youtubes, and is being careful about what he does in bars:)
Florida. Obeecee Jackson. Combines phonetics of Ol' Ball Coach's acronym with the name Jackson. If you want your child to play for Florida, it helps to have the last name Jackson, since something like 40 percent of all Florida Players have.
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ASU = Sun Devils
U of A = Mildcats
My better half is an Arizona grad. Makes her a bit testy when the two schools are confused.
by TinyTerryTaterTot on May 29, 2007 1:51 PM EDT reply actions
Michigan basketball … boring enough to make Musberger talk about “that google thing”.
I think Courtney Sims just missed another wide open layup.
by The New Math: 86=1 on May 29, 2007 1:57 PM EDT reply actions
Blast Hardcheese
Slab Bulkhead
Bold Bigflank
Splint Chesthair
Flint Ironstag
Bulk Vanderhuge
Thick McRunfast
Buff Drinklots
Grunt Slantchest
Fist Rockbone
Stump Beefknob
Smash Lampjaw
Punch Rockgroin
Buck Plankchest
Stump Chunkman
Dirk Hardpeck
Rick Steakface
Sleet Slabrock
Crud Bonemeal
Brick Hardmeat
Whip Slagcheek
Punch Sideiron
Gristle McThornbody
Slake Fistcrunch
Buff Hardback
Bob Johnson
Blast Thickneck
Crunch Buttsteak
Slab Squatthrust
Lump Beefbroth
Touch Rustrod
Reef Blastbody
Big McLargehuge
Smoke Manmuscle
Beet Punchbeef
Hack Blowfist
Roll Fisslebeef
Bruce Drickser
by kleph on May 29, 2007 2:08 PM EDT reply actions
Is Steve lavin talking about the lovely Miss Andrews THE “yeah, right” moment of the decade?
by jon on May 29, 2007 2:10 PM EDT reply actions
1) I really hope “Obeecee” is under 6’0" and weighs 400+ pounds, since I read it as o-BEE-cee.
2) I assume you’re trying to fuck with me on the whole ASU-wildcat thing. My head may explode.
by Jon hates Russian spammers and UofA on May 29, 2007 2:10 PM EDT reply actions
#5,
Wow, those are some of the greatest names. I am now going to use the alias Smash Lampjaw whenever I play beer pong again.
by bhors on May 29, 2007 2:12 PM EDT reply actions
#5-I think I recall some of those from an old Mystery Science Theater episode…good shit.
I’ve always been a big fan of the rebirth of old Roman names, like Cassius or Octavius.
by rob on May 29, 2007 2:17 PM EDT reply actions
A bama fan could kill 2 birds with one stone using this one:
Major Richard
by crabs on May 29, 2007 2:19 PM EDT reply actions
Texas A&M: Heinrich Puschupp
by alt.black.helicopters.ncaa.oneworldgovernment on May 29, 2007 2:22 PM EDT reply actions
Orson
I’m privately praying that LSU/Virginia Tech on Sept. 8th gets picked up by ABC just for the potential arrival of Brent — he’ll come for the football and stay for the cold, frosty beverages.
I’ll even sign him up for Around the World at the Chimes!
by Billy in Baton Rouge on May 29, 2007 2:32 PM EDT reply actions
“Put your hands together Irish fans for your 2026 starting quarterback… Riiiiiiiiiich McHype!!!!”
by Cincy on May 29, 2007 2:33 PM EDT reply actions
FSU: Sanders Janigetroofied. He could call himself Polish Primtime.
by Halleck T. on May 29, 2007 2:52 PM EDT reply actions
Nebraska’s new center —> Guy White
Texas’ Vietnamese exchange student/corner —> Tommie B. Vo
Tennessee’s new PK/punter —> Jim Bob Booter
Texas Tech’s next 4th-option reciever —> Dusty Rhodes
WVU’s new dual-threat QB —> Dash eff’n Quick (or could be shortened, D’Brickashaw-style to D’Sheff’n)
More to come as i can think of them.
by Cincy on May 29, 2007 2:54 PM EDT reply actions
Halleck,
Neither’s as good as his sister Primetrim.
by panhandler on May 29, 2007 3:19 PM EDT reply actions
Ole Miss: Spawnof Manning
Arkansas: Broyleston MooreGoodDick
by Port City Gangsta on May 29, 2007 3:20 PM EDT reply actions
Getting to this late, but f— or cryin out loud, Orson, not you too? We don’t run around talking about the Florida Seminoles do we? That’s the only thing that ASU-ua fans can actually agree upon, how much it absolutely infuriates us when people mess up the names. Ye gods.
by Beatuofa on May 29, 2007 3:20 PM EDT reply actions
I’m sure you know, Tanneyhill was from Central PA (Altoona) – hill people, but Yankees, all the same.
by PSUgirl on May 29, 2007 3:21 PM EDT reply actions
Minnesota- D’Fense Optional. Yeah, it would have been more fitting under the previous regime.
Orson, don’t feel bad about your faux pas on ASU/Arizona. I have problems with Pac 10 nicknames, too, being a Durex guy.
by Brewster Crew on May 29, 2007 3:30 PM EDT reply actions
Arkansas = Johnson Dicknut
Mississippi State = Sylvester Smoot
Ole Miss = Archie Lacoste
Vandy = Commodore Cutler
Alabama = note: I defer to “Cocaine McBourbonbomb” (genius!)
Florida = I-Denim Meyer
USC = Dirk Cockerson
UGA = Costa Del Dooley
Auburn = Bo Jackson
UK = J’Lo Rupp
LSU = Rohan Cholly’Mac
UT = Dollywood Majors
by Erik on May 29, 2007 3:45 PM EDT reply actions
Don’t forget Obeecee’s twin brother, OhMy!. The exclamation point is a must.
by Dinknflicka on May 29, 2007 3:54 PM EDT reply actions
Miami’s new offensive setup:
QB: Reypin Yerdauder
RB: Steeling YoWeelz
FL: Boostin Acar
SE: Drunkin Public
TE: Agent McPayme
by Steve on May 29, 2007 4:01 PM EDT reply actions
Mountaineers: [First Name] Fuckin’ [Last Name]
by Oops Pow Surprise on May 29, 2007 4:02 PM EDT reply actions
You forgot Tennessee:
Citrus “Cheesy Doodles” Fulmer
by Jeff from LA on May 29, 2007 4:05 PM EDT reply actions
Baylor Basketball Fan’s kid:
Dotson Bliss
Baylor Football fan’s kid:
Singletary McDoorMat
by Teaff on May 29, 2007 4:15 PM EDT reply actions
- gets a +1 for sure.
UGA is more of a “Vince ‘Sanford’ Walker” for the guys and for the girls: “Tipsy Stillettostein”
by Brian on May 29, 2007 4:16 PM EDT reply actions
Michigan:
Crisler Offtackle
or
Brady Swingpass
They both have potential…
by Yostal on May 29, 2007 4:21 PM EDT reply actions
There’s no need to make up funny names for Arkansas. Just go read their actual roster.
by DevilGrad on May 29, 2007 4:22 PM EDT reply actions
Stanford: Elway Tyrone (the scary part is that could almost be a real name)
by Cincy on May 29, 2007 4:31 PM EDT reply actions
Clempson: Ford Refrigerator “Tree” Overall
NCSU: Cozell Thurl “Tiny” Hogwallow
Ole Miss: D. Alcoholic Stupor IV
None for Oregon State. Any team named the Beavers gets a free pass. And that goes double for the UC Irvine Anteaters.
by yoyofutbawl on May 29, 2007 4:37 PM EDT reply actions
Look at Courtney Sims politely asking for position in the post. It makes me feel good that I’ll never have to see him play basketball again.
by Jeremy on May 29, 2007 4:46 PM EDT reply actions
+many, kleph. I loved that episode.
I always thought it would be delightful to name my daughter Rocki Top.
by Holly on May 29, 2007 5:09 PM EDT reply actions
How about Jim Bob Cooter for Tenn?
No? I think that one is pretty original… I’m sorry, what? You say someone was actually named that…. your full of shit…. really? You’re fucking with me now, right?
What’s next? Vietnamese transfer Phuckin Makuzzin?
by Steve on May 29, 2007 5:09 PM EDT reply actions
fyi – Houston Nutt has a brother named Dickie Nutt.
by crabs on May 29, 2007 5:14 PM EDT reply actions
#5, no name is as awe-inspiring as Rowsdower.
Zap Rowsdower.
by Dr. O. Goldsmith on May 29, 2007 5:50 PM EDT reply actions
Don’t forget about the best name ever. A former San Diego State football player and I think there may be an NBA player as well with this name….
GOD SHAMGOD
by King Harvest on May 30, 2007 8:08 AM EDT reply actions
For any Bama baby, his daddy’s name is Auburn.
by War Eagle on May 30, 2007 8:32 AM EDT reply actions
I hope no one at Bama went with Price McStripper.
by Katy on May 30, 2007 11:13 AM EDT reply actions
Almost fell off my rocker when i saw “Arizona State Wildcats”….The bottom line is that after this year, the Devils won’t have much to brag about…
by Matt on May 30, 2007 5:06 PM EDT reply actions
UT: Rocky Cheeto
UF: Rico Backstreet
Bama: Count Toomany
(t)OSU: Woody ‘McStache’ Poop’ncooler
ND: Rudy O’nowhathappened
by Hobnail_Boot on May 30, 2007 8:31 PM EDT reply actions
LSU had a guy named nacho albergamo. How badass is that.
by Alex on Jun 3, 2007 10:33 AM EDT reply actions
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