HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO A ________ FAN: TEXAS EDITION, Y'ALL.

it’s got a bed for bangin’ at night, and a toilet for pukin’ in the morning

I’d become a Longhorns fan for you if you’d talk this sweet to me.
Just goes to show, you don’t have to say Motherfucker to be sexy. Sheer genius.
Great work, Texy.

I will now have Hayes Carll’s “Flowers and Liquor” running through my head the rest of the day. Your way’s nice but my way’s quicker!

“No, I don’t mind skipping dinner so we can get straight to drinking.”

Jeebus took my first favorite quote, but I love this one, too. Awesome stuff, TXG. You rule, hard.

I can pretend to be too young to remember James Street.

Great call by the Texas coach, wonder whatever happened to him …

This makes me wonder why in the hell I married a Baylor girl No appreciation for drinkin’ and fightin’.

TXGirl, would you like to meet my son?

Nobody goes out in Deep Ellum any more. This would take place at the Across the Street Bar.

RCR, I almost took that one too. There were so many awesome quotes that I was filled with greed and wanted to use em all. But I figured I’d leave the rest to y’all and focus on getting myself into a burnt orange button down.

Hi, Texy.

You had me at pearl snaps and Red Wings. Awesome!

Texy, I worship you. Simply worship you.

Them boys from Oklahoma played USC all wrong/
Jason White was way too skinny and their defense stayed on the field way too long/
The Longhorns were holy rollers and Vince Young was very strong/
Them boys from Oklahoma played USC all wrong.

Red Dirt music will change your life.

I waited and waited and then finally…

“Nothing’s better than Maker’s that’s warmed up to a toasty 85 degrees thanks to the heat from your sexy body.”

I sobbed for 10 minutes straight at the pure beauty of the sentiment.

The smell of Shiner on your breath, and spilled down the front of your shirt, is like musk to me.

Looks like I’m buying my cologne in six-packs, now.

CBG needs to move over, I have a new love in my life.

SHE…COULD….GO…ALL…THE…WAAAAAAYY

Dear Texy,

Marry us.

Love,
The entire damn internets.

Perhaps CBG could give us some insight on sexin the WF’nV fan?

Crap – I think I have a girl crush on you.

Brilliant.

Does TexasGal actually like Longhorns fans? I was entranced by the “hello darlin” at the beginning but by the end I had that feeling of only being tolerated for tickets and a motel room… a little too real, maybe.

FC points for the domers. Demetrius Jones (QB) was busted on mary jane charges.

God I just woke up and being exposed to Brent Musburger that early is just wrong…

For a guy who’s built his career on writing moody, evocative songs about getting drunk and doin’ it, Rhett Miller can’t hold a candle to your stylings, Tex.

Hey Ol’ Lady lets go
To the Motel Cowboy Show
It’s late but there ain’t nowhere else to go
We’ll hang out all night long
We’ll toast the break of dawn
Hey Ol’ Lady let’s go
To the Motel Cowboy Show

FC points for the domers. Demetrius Jones (QB) was busted on mary jane charges.

Charges were dropped already.

Texas Gal Rules Dept!

Fantastic stuff. My favorite three thangs from the piece – that have not already been mentioned:

1) Anti-Matt McConoughey smack.

2) Swank, $65 a night hotel

3) No mention of the Vince Young performance against USC at the Rose Bowl. I was expecting some sort of prose in today’s piece along the lines of….“…If you think VY had his way with the USC defense, just wait …etc. etc. etc…..”

Colin Cowherd Alert (apologies Texas Gal):

I heard Colin Cowherd say this morning that he was divorcing his wife. Hmmmm……

Gall darn it, Texas Gal, you use yore tongue purtier ’n a $20 whore.

It started sounding Like University of Georgia at “SUV with Ducks unlimited stickers” PLEASE don’t tell me that’s big in Austin TOO.

Shiner is awesome, but I welled up and a tear streamed down my cheek when you mentioned Maker’s. God Bless Texas.

It should be a FUN weekend in Austin, yea buddy.

You know what you are, Miss Texy?

You’re fucking funny, that’s what.

A virtual motherfucking siren for you is playing in my head right now.

SKLM, such uncharacteristic magnanimity. What gives?

I love a woman who prefers to skip the food and go straight to the booze.

Applause, Tex.

Please never post that clip again. I die a little each time I see that. The Horror!

Tex, you could convince me to take a duck to a cockfight.

Hook ’em horns!

Loved it, Texy! I’m always down for drinking instead of eating.

Very cute, Texy.

Was that really your composition, Texas Gal, or did Larry McMurtry help you a little? Man, what a backhanded compliment!

Excellent stuff. I’m ready to watch “The Last Picture Show” now.

if you’d buy me a half gallon of milk on someone else’s credit card the next morning i’d marry you.

I only really enjoy it when Texas Hucks the Fuskers in the end zone.

I’d question the ability to actually make it to the trashcan in the third quarter…more likely to barf in the purse of the OU lady in front of him…outside that she’s cherry.

You ladies are providing some exceptional fodder for the doldrums prior to the season, and I thank you from the bottom of my pruriently bent heart.

Wooderson – you are dead to me.

Aerobab – the invitation intrigues me…..

Jesus, if Larry McMurtry had helped her, everyone in the story would be dead by now.

CBG needs to move over, I have a new love in my life.

Ouch.

You know, the only thing this site has ever lacked is a good cat fight.

This is Ken Burns quality stuff here Texy!

“‘Cause they slow-danced through the neon like a sorrow through a song
Then they carried the tune to the motel room and they played it all night long”

I am officially adopting Texas as my second team now.

CBG, you can regain your place on the pedestal if you can find someway to poetically relate the burning flame of couches with the burning flame of love.

In fact, I think some other poster requested it earlier.

Intrigue, Please Dept:

If the Couch Burnin’ Girl shows half of the passion in a “Ladies dot dot”-type written piece that she shows for her team, man, that would totally rock.

Suggestion: CBG – > Get a bottle of Jack D and when you are half-way through it, attempt one of these types of pieces. If the writing is great, we will all enjoy, and if it is not great, at least you had some sort of fun writing it….

TXG,

I am disappointed you forgot to mention the obligatory stop at the bakery outside of Waco on the way to Dallas. Also no mention of of your man punching the damn Sooner kid when he started cryin. Have you gone soft on us?

Nutter

Thanks for the Priest Holmes / James Brown reference — I’d just about managed to forget that NU was up for a potenitial 4-peat if they’d won that game.

Grumble.

1. - I’m giving 50:1 odds that you’re my ex-boyfriend and you’re talking about Mary Leigh….. :)

The best part about this post is that every Texas fan felt a lot of nostalgia and maybe a little twinge of that ugly morning hangover.

A lot of non Texas fans probably stopped reading — as though this was some over the top fakery for laughs.

It isn’t. I’d tell you about my Texas OU weekends – but they are a blur, proof only in photos.

I didn’t skip all my meals – I ate the corn dogs and drank the $6.00 beer. Some of those damn tickets are still in my glove box.

Bravo, from one TexasGal to another.

Wow – I feel like I am on a lunch break at Hooters with the IS Department.

It was great to see the best evah college football play that did not involve Danny Wuerffel or Jarvis Moss.

Thank You

i’m surprised there wasn’t a salt lick reference in there.

There is something inherently genius about Texas writers (as opposed to writers from Texas): Dan Jenkins, Molly Ivins, McMurtry, and now… Texy.

Bulletin for SKLM, he filed in March… which explains why his house was up for sale.

I think it would be funny if we could do a guys version of this, you know, like what a guy sees in a girl at approximately 1am in the dark during a drunken haze, when we are just wanting some poooooon.

[i]“and all without cussing out that little Sooner kid next to us”[/i]

guilty….forgive me texy

Bhors #50 – if by guy’s point of view, I can tell you what it’s like to do (attempt to do) a Wisconsin fan.

“Stop. Not tonight. Give it a rest. I’m tired from chasing the kids around the house. Is that all you ever want? What do you mean you want me to wear my black knee-high boots to bed?!?”

Not quite the caliber the ladies point of view provides.

Ok, I’m gonna bring it up, but OOC started it with the doing a Wisconsin fan thing…

I have a friend (female) who recently divorced. She claimed part of it was that her husband never wanted to, um, partake of her latent sluttiness. I replied that I found this odd, because I know of no men with that condition. I wrote it off to him having some kind of mental problem and went on with my unaffected view of reality.

Then in a letter to Playboy, responding to another letter, a woman (from Texas I think) responded that her and her girlfriends see all this stuff in the media about how guys can’t get enough, but they can’t find any guys who want it nearly as much as they do. The guys they know just want to watch TV all day.

Now, do these insatiable women actually exist, or is this a plot by the gay mafia to confuse and ridicule straight men?

Discuss.

They exist and they’re not rare. I think most of them are from the south.

How many bonus points for telling you you’re not short?

And that your writing is even hotter then you are.

And on the drive up to Dallas, don’t forget honking at other cars with Longhorn stickers, flashing the “Hook ’em Horns”, and yelling, “WOOOOOOOOO!!!” as you pass going 90.

46 – What do you get if you win?

The touching story reminded me of a chance encounter I had with a girl back in Athens, Georgia a few years ago.

What can I say? I NEEDED some milk badly that Sunday morning.

@Jebus—Busted.

Dammit, Texy, how did BOTH of us forget to make a salt lick joke. You know what this means, right? Sequel!!

Texy

Would you eat and then drink ?

I wish this post was published with Friday Cheesecake.

Law of Averages Dept:

RE: No 53 & 54

From the simple, yet elegant law of averages, half of the women have a stronger desire for..hmmmm, “relations” than their pardner(s). So, I do not think it is all that rare. Lots of frustrated babes out there, for sure, that would greatly benefit from a studly SKLM type!

SKLM,
CBG is from WVa, so it’d be moonshine, not Jack.

DO IT, CBG!!!!

Not bad, TexGal.

 What do you do after one of those 63-14 type losses?

Mmmm Salt lick is yummy, All you can eat is the shit.

“Free Carl Lee!”

Leave it to the aggie to pipe up out of place.

Riposte:

Gee, I dunno, what do you do down 77-0 and the clock running nonstop since the 3rd quarter at your coach’s request? How them bowl games been recently? Perhaps you should STFU until your team finishes ranked in the last half decade or more?
After all, your specialty revolves more around stump-trained livestock, not football.

Outstanding job, TXgal.

All this talk of Dallas bar dives brings me back to The Green Elephant and The Icehouse (only bar I’ve ever been bounced from.) In my defense, it was Quarter Pitcher Night. Apparently trying to surreptitiously throwup under the picnic tables violates their high standards of conduct.

As far as the 4th and inches call goes, you can’t understand the magnitude of it unless you are steeped in SWC history. You don’t fuckin’ EVER throw it on 4th and inches deep on your side of the field in a Big 8-SWC scrap. These people love the run more than the SEC pre-Spurrier ever did. I still contend that this call was the first sign of the Apocalypse.

One final request Texas Gal. Please don’t shush me in the middle of our passion so you can hear the sweet crooning of Pat Green to take you over the edge.

Re: #53 and #54. Well for damn sure none of them went to Baylor. I’m going with the gay mafia theory until harder evidence develops.

I paraphrase the Bard,

“Whatchu want Texy?”
“To drinkk and fight.”
“Whatchu need Texy?”
“To fuck all night!”

Now I know why my uncle moved to Texas 20 years ago. I suspect I know why he moved away.

Dave, I think harder evidence is what they’re looking for, too… if they exist.

SKLM, I understand what you’re saying, but unfortunately, the Law of Averages is a myth

Isn’t it quite the bitch that Orson has the Cheesecake on auto-post and it’s not up yet by 9:45? It’s like he’s toying with our emotions on autopilot.

Very Funny. I’d love to meet an Arkansas woman who thinks like that.

And I knew there was a reason I loved Texas Gals I just didn’t know what it was.

As for the Texas Longhorns, they are cool in my book….unless their playing the Hogs. In which case they are the embodiment of all things wrong with the world and must be defeated.

1. …you’ve clearly never dated a latin american woman …or a latin woman of any sort. Can’t get enough …ever …to the point where after eight or nine times in a day I’m like “please honey …I have to sleep …work in the morning.”

Seems universally true with the latinas, which is one of the reasons they are perfect cheesecake.

Ah, what a picture the lass paints!

#44, would that be the Czech Stop in West? Following the biennial beatdown of Baylor* in Waco, that’s a mandatory pit stop on my way back to Dallas. Mmm, kolaches.

• As a Red Raider, we and the Longhorns can say this. Aggy, you cannot. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Bearsbeataggies.jpg

1. Here is some interesting discussion on the topic of male/female sex drives.

http://www.avclub.com/content/savage/mar-14-2007_0

and then the responses

http://www.avclub.com/content/savagelove/lustyladies

It’s 12:30PM, do you know where your cheesecake is?

#71:

Clearly not on the screen in front of me.

We need to all chip in and get Orson a Blackberry.

And where’s Stranko through all this? He’s usually the go to guy for latina cheesecake.

Methinks auto load may be having problems. No LOLQBS yesterday, and 1pm has now come without my cheesecake fix for the day.

At least I have one of those insatiable-type women (that also let me sleep), and a 3 day weekend with no plans.

Hey Fred- knock the bottom out of it for all of us.

Oh and F you for rubbing it in.

Somebody re-inflate the freakin’ auto-pilot already. Fred’s post has got me hot and bothered and a little cheesecake would be appreciated.

I’m right there with you fred. gonna be a fun weekend.

Hey Dave K, thanks, that might just be the solution to this puzzle after all…

How ironic is it that we now need one of these Cheescake quality beauties to grab the nozzle of the clearly deflated (nice catch OOC) autopilot and blow so we can bask in the glory of more Cheesecake?

Little late to the party, but…Texy, you had me at “darlin.’”

Orson you funny son_bitch, please please please do “how to make love to a _ fan” for all the sec teams!

So, I was in Miami and didn’t get to say this until now, but…

For the record: pearl snaps + Shiner + fightin’ = HOT. And that is no joke.

Thanks every single one of y’all for the sweet words.