HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO A _______ FAN: TENNESSEE EDITION.

by Orson on May 23, 2007 1:59 PM EDT Comment 74 comments

Part two of our "How To Make Love To A ______" series: Holly from Ladies Dot Dot Dot brings the beta on how to properly make love to a Tennessee fan. Two words: "doe urine."

Be sure to check out Lady Andrea's guide on making love to a St. Louis Cardinals' fan. We don't know what sport this refers to, but guess it's an Arena League Football team of some sort.

How to Make Love to a Tennessee Vols Fan

Hey there, Tennessee Volunteer. In the gleam of the table lantern at the neighborhood Cracker Barrel, I can see that special look in your good eye. I've been holdin' out longer'n Davy Crockett at the Alamo, but I just can't fight this feelin' anymore. Tell the waitress to keep the change, high roller, and let's hit that dusty road. Time for us to get on home and get on down to some four-wheelin' of an entirely different sort.

The camera adds 250 pounds: Phil Fulmer in real life will sex your mind off.

I'll even sit in the middle seat on the way home so you can sling one arm around my shoulders. Is that a Slim Jim in your pocket or are you just...oh. A Slim Jim! Awww, baby, you didn't have to buy me dessert.

But speaking of...you know you want a piece of this sweet potato pie. I put lots of marshmallows on extra. Oh, I can see it in your eyes. You couldn't be hotter for me if I was doused in doe urine.

You know what I like about staying at your place, baby? Lookin' up at the stars through the holes in the tin roof. Now let's you and me turn up the Charlie Daniels and zip our sleeping bags together to make a double. In more ways than one. Like the tube top? I went to the tanning booth special for you. And let's just say I've got a few Big Oranges ripe for the plucking you might be interested in. I'll sweat Boone's Farm for you if you'll bleed Jack Daniels for me.

You wanna walk on the wild side tonight, baby? Get in touch with our primal urges and shit? You don't have to say anything else, sugar. I'm a nature lover. I know where you're goin' with this. You wanna do it in the deep freezer in the basement, don't you? On the stacks of frozen venison. That's right. Let's you and me crack open a cold one. Yeah....leave the coonskin cap on.

(What's that? No, honey, the bait shop was closed. Yes, the one in back of the tanning salon. Yes, I returned your videos while I was there. Now, c'mere...I'ma make you wiggle like a nightcrawler.)

Ooooh...that's right. Run it right up the middle, darlin'. I'm old fashioned like that. D-I defenses may not be fooled, but I guaran-damn-tee I'll gasp every time, as often and loud as our beloved fight song resonates in Neyland.

Tell me this is our year, baby. Tell me Cutcliffe molded the Mannings and that this is Erik Ainge's time. Tell me Florida, Georgia, and Ala-god-damn-bama will be left broken when the clock runs out, and mewling like those kittens in the cardboard box on the back porch. Tell me I'm just as beautiful as the night we met, that third Saturday in October down in Tuscaloosa. Recite a list of Charles Woodson's injuries and Peyton Manning's pass completions in my ear until I scream,"Keep your fucking trophy!" and you're howlin' like Smokey. Baby, we haven't pounded the Rock like this since Travis Stephens declared for the draft.

Are you All Vol?
say it...
louder.....
TOUCHDOWN!!

Lordy, honey, when you said you were gonna give me six? You weren't lyin'.

Tell me something, darlin'. Are you feelin' a little like a stranger lookin' for a moonshine still? Well, you should. 'Cause you've just been Rocky Topped. (WOO!)

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Comments

Well done, you. Is it warm in here? Holy mother of god.

by Andrea on May 23, 2007 2:07 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Most. Horrorshow. Photoshop. EVER.

by Holly on May 23, 2007 2:07 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Ho-leeee shit. If only this were a podcast, so we could hear “urine” stretched into one drawly syllable, uncoincidentally homophonic with “yearn.”

by Oops Pow Surprise on May 23, 2007 2:10 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I’m scared

by Jerkwheat on May 23, 2007 2:12 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

“…mewling like those kittens in the cardboard box on the back porch”

You didn’t really have us back in the Parallelogram state until that line, and then you did. We’re watching the television for Snow Bird to come on, and it’s the end of May.

Damn you, Tennessee. We don’t know how to quit you.

by Orson Swindle on May 23, 2007 2:14 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I’m just happy I got through the whole thing without using the word “critter”.

by Holly on May 23, 2007 2:18 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Must. drink. Jack. now.

Get. image. out. of. mind…..

by Southern Papa on May 23, 2007 2:19 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Jack is insufficient, I’m looking for the grain alcohol

by NDTom on May 23, 2007 2:26 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

We need an EDSBS Hall of Fame.

This thing needs a permanent home.

by PB at BON on May 23, 2007 2:28 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Holly, you…umm…uhh…that made me…umm…WOWIE-WEE-WAAH!

That raght thar isa goud Ten-see womern!

by Aerobab on May 23, 2007 2:29 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Mental note to boss.

CANCEL BUSINESS TRIP TO KNOXVILLE.

by Suss-- on May 23, 2007 2:30 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Why PB, I do declare… am I blushing?

Oh. No. That’s shame.

by Holly on May 23, 2007 2:33 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

what has 9 teeth and 36 legs???

the front row of a george jones concert in johnson city

by yoyofutbawl on May 23, 2007 2:33 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I’d stay to fawn over you, Holly, but I’m running off to have “I’ll sweat Boone’s Farm for you” airbrushed onto a wife beater at the flea market.

by The Great Barstoolio on May 23, 2007 2:34 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Snow Bird?!?!

Dave Brown?!?!

by Jerkwheat on May 23, 2007 2:35 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

[This is amazing. Orson done met his love-writin’ match.]

by The Great Barstoolio on May 23, 2007 2:35 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I am rendered speechless by the awesomeness of that post.

Snowbird = Bill Hall

by VolNavy on May 23, 2007 2:36 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

so sad!!!! so sad!!!!!!! i need a beer after reading that.

by rocky top 2007 on May 23, 2007 2:39 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Somethang that will never be heard in Los Angeles Dept:

“..Do it…On the stacks of frozen venison…”

By now the ladies of Ladies dot, dot, dot should throw up the white flag, there is no way they can compete with the gnarly, twisted, writing on this site.

by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on May 23, 2007 2:39 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I’ll sweat Boone’s Farm for you if you’ll bleed Jack Daniels for me.

AAAHHH!!!! SHE’S GOT A KNIFE!!!!

by Raskolnikov on May 23, 2007 2:40 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

makes me want to get down like a Hound

by jon on May 23, 2007 2:41 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

- You know one of them wrote this, right?

by Oops Pow Surprise on May 23, 2007 2:43 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

What 22 said. I’m just visiting. Hi.

by Holly on May 23, 2007 2:44 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I don’t know. Without a single raised voice in anger, or a single mention of a pack of Malboro lights, watching the sun rise over the Smokies, reminiscing about the honeymoon in Gatlinburg, or even a whimper of how you forgive him for the back of the hand he gave you the other night when he got drunk and you told him to wash his own damn worn-out, stained skivvies?!?

Close, but no cigar.

by Out of Conference on May 23, 2007 2:46 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

#22, man I thought an EDSBS writer wrote that. I am totally confused, which is not a first!

by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on May 23, 2007 2:46 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I’d say I forgot Gatlinburg, but that’s not possible. NO matter how hard I try.

by Holly on May 23, 2007 2:47 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

So this is pretty much the most awesome thing ever.

And you make it all sound so glamorous and romantic, Holly. It’s like one of those classic Hollywood films, with bonus Slim Jims.

by Texas Gal on May 23, 2007 2:47 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Pay no mind to SKLM, Holly. Every village has to have one.

by ProfKid93 on May 23, 2007 2:51 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

….must…stop….laughing….

need….oxygen…..

by The Conscience of a Nation on May 23, 2007 2:52 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

…and I’m spent. Accent #1 has woven her magic, I’m all fired up for accent #2 to show us all the Texas Two Step. Boyyyyy howdy.

by Beatuofa on May 23, 2007 2:53 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Holly, you just forgot to describe the tube top as an orange camouflage tube top.

Now I need a smoke.

by Southern Papa on May 23, 2007 2:54 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Holly, You’re too young to be this empty girl.

by PeterPumpkinhead on May 23, 2007 2:56 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

So now I know why western NC is Volunteer country. I’m sure that exact sequence goes down in trailers in my old rural community every night (but not the trailers behind my mom’s house – the migrant workers prefer Mexican Polka to Rocky Top).

It’s really not perfect without John Ward announcing though….Touchdown Tennessee!

by Herb on May 23, 2007 2:56 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

As good as the parallelogram here is, the return of Snow Bird in the comments is even better. Thanks Orson and VolNavy. Now you’ve confirmed the existence of one of the wackier television puppet characters ever.

A friend grew up with Snow Bird, but I disbelieved in spite of seeing a tribute website. I disbelieved until now.

Oh … Holly? I have call waiting and the other line just rang in. Tennessee Visitors and Tourism Bureau … they’re asking if you can do some freelance work?

by Kenny on May 23, 2007 2:56 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

How Pete Carroll convinced Mitch Mustain to go to USC – http://www.sportspickle.com/features/volume6/2007-0523-mustain.html

by Herb on May 23, 2007 2:57 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Reading that made me feel like the time I was 11 and I rode the Tilt-A-Whirl with my big brother’s 19-year-old slutty girlfriend and she was all smashed up on me for 3 glorious minutes. I’m filled with equal parts passion, confusion, and shame.
I fucking love that feeling.
Great job, H. It was perfect.

PS I want to be on you.

by jebushchrist on May 23, 2007 3:09 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Clap…….clap……clap…clapclapclapclap

That. Was. Awesome.

by RaginCajunRebel on May 23, 2007 3:12 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

#28, Actually most villages have a lot more than one, and they usually come in pairs…..

by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on May 23, 2007 3:14 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Somebody get this poor girl some professional help, please.

by babaoje on May 23, 2007 3:20 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Standing. Freaking. Ovation.

by PJ from NU in SF on May 23, 2007 3:26 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Somebody get this poor girl some professional help, please

I’m no professional, but I’d be happy to help her.

by jebushchrist on May 23, 2007 3:30 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I’m crying like David Hasselhoff at last year’s American Idol finale.

by Clare on May 23, 2007 3:31 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

What’s the name of that sports bar in downtown Gatlinburg? You know, the one between a knife shop and a Dixie Outfitters T-shirt stand. (I realize that this does not narrow anything down at all.)

I once witnessed a guy propose to his girlfriend in that sports bar. This reminds me of that.

by Bandit Darville on May 23, 2007 3:32 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I don’t even know what to say. Brava Holly. Brava.

by SA on May 23, 2007 3:34 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Hot. Damn.

You had me at “Slim Jim”.

by always rebellious on May 23, 2007 3:35 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I totally need a drink.

hott-ness, Holly.

by Metschick on May 23, 2007 3:36 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

My sweet Lord… that was amazing. Again, it’s the Citizen Kane of lurve-makin’ posts.

by gordonshumway on May 23, 2007 3:40 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Personally, I think there should have been something about getting the crystal meth so they could fuck for three days straight, but it’s hard to fix something that ain’t broke.

by Newspaper Hack on May 23, 2007 3:53 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Doesn’t Charles Woodson also have a National Championship that Peyton Manning never won? (I’m sorry, we’re never going to agree on this point, it’s clear.)

Oh, but a wonderful job Holly. A wonderful wonderful job.

by Craig Barker on May 23, 2007 4:07 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

#48: Perfection cannot be improved upon. Affirmed.

by Texas Gal on May 23, 2007 4:07 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I’m sure Woodson’s national championship is a great comfort to him as he whiles away those lonely nights in…where is he playing again? He’s still playing, right? Hard to remember, when one’s career has been so…ordinary.

by Holly on May 23, 2007 4:09 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I’m simultaneously entranced and repulsed (mostly by that Fulmer photoshop.)

Golf claps all around.

by Signal to Noise on May 23, 2007 4:20 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I am enthralled, and yet, I feel I have died a little inside.

by Vandy J on May 23, 2007 4:25 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Brilliantly done, Holly.

Now I look forward with a mixture of dread and anticipation to Subcom Wayne’s entry on Buckeye fans.

by DevilGrad on May 23, 2007 4:29 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Aaahhh Gatlinburg….

watchin the taffy machine, Ripley’s, the Aquarium, the Chairlift, and Mountain Top Goofy Golf…….and finally Cooter’s Garage.. those memories are almost as good as cruisin the Strip in Panama City

MAN that’s good livin

by BamaHamr on May 23, 2007 4:30 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

The erotic potential of deer carcass had previously escaped my notice.

by Extra P. on May 23, 2007 4:52 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Al Gore – Thanks for this Internet thingy !

by BamaCPA on May 23, 2007 5:01 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

gracious. That was compelling.

by DC Trojan on May 23, 2007 5:28 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Well done Miss Holly, well done.

You left it out, but we are all pretty certain that your bra and panties are/were 2 different and non-matching shades of orange, because that is simply how you Tennessee fans do.

by Kanu on May 23, 2007 6:07 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Day-amn!

by Trojan Chica on May 23, 2007 7:15 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

By the way, I do not want to criticize e-bay perfection, but the music video posted is not of “Rocky Top.” “Foggy Mountain Breakdown” is suitable for the hillbilly faction of fanbases for most other SEC teams.

by Bandit Darville on May 23, 2007 8:18 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Dude, what do you think would happen if a Rocky Top video were ever embedded HERE? The sky would turn to sackcloth. Blood would rain down. The earth would be swathed in darkness.

by Holly on May 23, 2007 8:36 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Dang Holly. How do you feel about me taking you to a romantic dinner at Waffle House sometime?

by Analrapist on May 23, 2007 8:45 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

This was a fine multimedia experience. The infinite horror of the photochop, the melodious twang of not 1 or 2 or 4 but SIX banjos, and the words, flowing like steam off of boiling peanuts. Thank you, Holly.

by southernmost on May 23, 2007 10:20 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

There were a couple of dead deer on the side of the road when I was driving in to work this morning, and it made me feel all funny inside. Thanks a lot for that…

(I wonder how Frau DC Trojan feels about orange scanties?)

by DC Trojan on May 24, 2007 10:50 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Holly, you have produced the definitive post of its genre…I knew I could rely on you to ensure I could even smell what I was reading…absolutely wonderful.

by sb on May 24, 2007 11:07 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

And Holly, regarding your comment on Orson’s post re: “…after you read mine no one will want to sleep with me…” (or something to that effect) I think the opposite has occurred…remember who you are dealing with!

by sb on May 24, 2007 11:10 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Of all the days to not get to check in! Reading this I can’t help be torn between repulsion and longing for my four years spent ‘on the hill’. It’s like you were writing from the point of view of the guy who wore camo coveralls year round in my freshman dorm. Well played.

by merrillfantasy on May 24, 2007 11:13 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I actually look wretched in orange. It’s the hair. Tragic, really.

by Holly on May 24, 2007 12:36 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

No reference to Gatlinburg can be complete without mentioning the impending gastric distress of consuming funnel cakes in the Honeymoon Suite overlooking the pure, cleansing waters of the Pigeon River.

I kid you not … the Pigeon River.

by DHC on May 24, 2007 1:07 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs