HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO A _______ FAN: FLORIDA EDITION.

I know I say this a lot here, but I feel like I’ve just witnessed the opening of the Ark of the Covenant. Again.

Why go all the way to Williston when the Gainesville Lodge is pefectly fine?

Just when I thought it was safe to return…! Orson, you are indeed blazing new trails in cybersports entertainment, where you’re going, I don’t know, but its definitely somewhere.

I do need to know how you convince TCOAN to let you actually have female friends named ‘not your wife’…

Thunderstruck? Dumbstruck is more like it.

It was the one-two punch of the jorts and Franzia that did it for me. HOT.

It’s Smoove B of “The Onion” fame, Gator-style! Hilarious!

@sb—trust me, once mine and Texy’s posts are up? No one will ever want to sleep with us again. For real.

Orson, I’d like to thank you for this. You’ve removed a great deal of pressure from my life. Never again, when I go to write something, will I ever wonder if it will be the greatest piece of sexually-tinged-pseudo-sports journalism ever written because you’ve just accomplished that.
Now the pressure’s off and I can go back to writing about times I was really drunk. Thank you.

trust me, once mine and Texy’s posts are up? No one will ever want to sleep with us again. For real.

I think you’re wrong about that: I guarantee that whatever you post, someone somewhere is going want a piece of it. I mean seriously, we are talking about the males of the species here.

Don’t forget to include some of Gainesville’s finest lemon lime flavored Gatorade for the post-coitus cooldown. You don’t want your performance to suffer due to inadequate hydration.

Simply amazing. You had to be brain stewing this for weeks to come up with something this fantastic. It’s like something Thoreau would write, if he was drunk, horny, and not a douchebag.

I guarantee that whatever you post, someone somewhere is going want a piece of it. I mean seriously, we are talking about the males of the species here.

raises hand emphatically

I’m shocked. Horrified. Titilated.

Frankly, I’m a bit frightened that the Texas version might be as good as this. I just got married and would hate to have to ruin it this soon…

Orson, thanks once again for the fine AC/DC clip. Quick question: is it my poor Google skills, or is there really no AC/DC Greatest Hits album in existence? That seems sort of bizarre for a band of their stature…

I met a guy from Williston one time during a scorching jacksonville drought. While he was drapped in denim, he made it very clear that “no man from Williston wears short pants”

Kahuna, they don’t need a Greatest Hits album. Every album is the greatest. Come on, man.

I’m not exactly sure how it would go down, but I suspect ideal conditions for Cane lovemaking would include the following:
a) a 7th floor venue;
b) entail the woman getting “muddied”;
c) require both parties to snort an ounce of billy hoke;
d) while beating eachother with cestas

[super italics] I guarantee that whatever you post, someone somewhere is going want a piece of it. I mean seriously, we are talking about the males of the species here.[/super italics]

raises hand emphatically

These men are right. Even if you post the most depraved, perverted, nonsensical thing you can think of (“what’s the sack of nickels for? Oh, you’ll see”), there will be men lining up.

That’s certainly a nice little ditty, but I’d really like to hear your fantasy, O… not just the story of how you courted TCOAN!

I’m leaving the missus if there is a sack of nickels involved

Hey, how do we know that Holly and TexasGal are really women and not state troopers? We need pics to be sure!

I’m sorry, but the “nickel” discussion definately warrants the “Ass Pennies” skit.

Holly, at least your comments will come from someone with a perspective which will interest me…I look forward to a female discussing how she intends to carnally abuse me into a submissive pile of erectile tissue. Orson’s point of view (Gator and male, which we have in common), while entertaining in a sweaty, tattooed, grunting manner, fails to inspire, in anything but journalistic mastery.

Orson, I hate to belabor the point, but UGA cheesecake? How ‘bout a little help for Friday? C’mon, just for the sake of the good ole days in Athens when wonderfully imaginative coeds like Holly ( I assume) would provide a lifetime’s worth of memories in a night?

Aerobab…“Zing!”

I grew up in Williston so I feel I must inform you that there is only one motel there and it’s called the Top of the Hill Motel. I don’t think it has more than 50 rooms and I doubt they have a vacancy (this is watermelon picking season which brings a traveling horde of immigrants).

You should tell the ladies to just meet you behind Frog’s BBQ. I think they decided to expand and put a picnic table out back.

RE #15: If he was really from Williston he’d have been wearing a suit made out of the burlap sacks they pack peanuts in

Orson, I haven’t witnessed swerve like that since the time Papa Smurf slipped Smurfette a roofie.

Holly, this is the internet in case you forgot. no matter how disturbing your piece is, there are no less than 3 message boards and at least 1 Second Life community already devoted to the subject.

And somewhere, someone is making a comment about leaving it to Domers to know a things or two about virtual reality. But it wasn;t me NDTom, it wasn’t me.

NDTom, I can assure you, Holly’s “piece” is not disturbing.
She’s quite a lovely girl.

You should tell the ladies to just meet you behind Frog’s BBQ. I think they decided to expand and put a picnic table out back.

RedRoot, that sounds like a huge improvement: balance a little plate of BBQ on the young lady in question, mount up, and air out the old schweaty ballz? All at the same time? Who wouldn’t want a piece of that?

Best. Post. Ever.

RedRoot @ #23, I think he was going to church….. or jail, I did not get the specifics.

I just read it again. This time, I had Thunderstruck playing while I read it.
It made it immeasurably better.

Jeebsy, you haven’t even seen it!

Thunderstruck makes everything better.

Holly, not in “real life” maybe, but you can’t take my imagination away from me. At least, that’s what they told me in prison.

Wait, I meant my post. You haven’t seen my post.

Orson’s right – I just cranked “Thunderstruck” on my iPod and took a walk around the office – it went from cubicle farm to debauched land of magic and titties in less than 5 seconds

Geez, H!
That’s what I was talking about too. Dirty!

Everything, Orson, except for… actually, I can’t think of anything. Even actually getting struck by lightning would be better with that song going.

Jerkwheat, so you still work at Vivid then?

Whew! So this is why y’all invented Gatorade, right?

Why wasn’t this post authored by TCOAN?

Greener Patures Dept:

#43. Nah. Now that TCOAN is making real money, she does not have time to play (as much as she used to).

Dear FSU fan, I know it may seem that my best days are behind me, and that my past conquests have left me depleted and possibly VD-ridden. But I can get the job done, dadgummit. Just give me some time to warm up again, and I’ll be just like I was- maybe better even. Don’t worry, or listen to anyone else on the Ebays. I can do this thing. Really.

Yikes. I’m tittilated, thrilled, and confused all at the same time.

Well played, Orson.

Why wasn’t this post authored by TCOAN?

Because her description of how to take ordinary underwear and render them crotchless caused a temporary dip in GDP in most SEC states. I can’t imagine the economic meltdown if she put her literary talents to seduction instructions (the school house rock cartoon that was never made but should have been…)

Incidentally, Frau DC Trojan has barred me from attempting to use her sewing supplies, I feel you should know.)

RedRoot I too grew up in the W and The Top of the Hill could only loosely be described as a hotel. But you could always eat at Fugate’s
The real action was at the motel in Chiefland with the Disney characters out front
King Harvest – there are plenty Jorts in the watermelon fields

1. — How’d I miss out on that? And how can I get TCOAN to educate my fiancee?

As a rabid UGA fan now dating a Gaytor girl, I will cherish this column.

You just know this will become the forum for slamming one’s rival school’s lovemaking rituals…

Be prepared to add “stumpbreaking a cow” to your lexicon as the inevitable Alabama/ Auburn thread jack looms.

Sorry, but if there’s romancing in Gainesville it’s happening at the America’s Best Value Inn. Do yourself and your loved ones a favor and ask for the “unscented” suites.

This is seriously what the Bambi Inn on 13th Street is all about.

Seriously Orson, my mind just jizzed my pants reading this. Bra-fucking-vo.

Jon, I have to agree. Since Chiefland got the SuperWalmart and Taco Bell it has been the hottest destination in Levy county, pulling in all the Gulf Hammock trim.

And to clarify, Gator fans are not picking watermelons in jorts; they’re driving the old school buses that have had the roofs cut off and been converted into field trucks. FSU fans do the picking and loading.

1. No ACDC greatest hits. Except in certain markets in Shanghai.
2. Patton Oswalt describes how Terry Bowden was made: http://gorillamask.net/conanpatton.shtml

“The ass is the pussy of the future.”

I’m not quite sure what that means but I want it on a t-shirt.

Speaking of the Smurfs, just Google “Smuckfest”. That was classic before Al Gore invented the intarweb.

Can’t wait for the Bama fan one – where he tells you how he would’ve rode you hard and put you up wet 30 years ago.

How do Boise State fans do it?

 On blue sheets and with trickeration that was commonplace ~50 years ago? ;)

This is a perverted version of Basketball Jones.

1. - NewAZTiger, “Can’t wait for the Bama fan one – where he tells you how he would’ve rode you hard and put you up wet 30 years ago.”

Do you think Bama fans fake orgasms, as well?

#59
How shocking..an Auburn fan mentions Bama before he mentions his beloved Teagles. Its ok little brother..

HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO A BAMA FAN.
1) Go to Tutweiller dorm.
2) Stand by Blimpies, and listen for the most beautiful sound ever to grace a southern man’s ear, “I had way too much hunch punch at the swap tonight”.
3) Tell her your dad owns a dealership.
4) Hit it
5) Never call her again
6) Repeat

@ CapstoneAlum

I spent one semester of grad school in Tuscaloosa, but in that shortened time I have to say: yes, yes, and yes.

Also, get incredibly drunk. Go to The Houndstooth. Brazenly hit on a few girls. Go back to her place. Hit that. Repeat. No, that’s how to get laid in Tuscaloosa. Well, fuck. Maybe one of the guys at RBR can do a better job.

There’s a stack of dimes involved, but only if we start right after I get out of the pool. Brr… chilly.

Didn’t see the last bit coming. Wow.

#57…right up there with the “pink taco” tee shirts.

#63, little brothers change their names after a tie.

#62: They can’t even spell orgasm.

Imagine my complete joy when I finished reading this, only to be added to by seeing the number of replies was “69.” I almost feel bad posting this and ruining the fun. Once again Orson, wow, fine job