What: EDSBS LIVE online radio Click that or the banner thingy to your right to listen…if you want your brain exfoliated.

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum (which has gotten damn lively). To phone in to the show, just call (310) 984-7600. We’re having real, live RADIO PROFESSIONAL PAUL FINEBAUM ON TONIGHT, just because we want to feel bad about ourselves. (Low self-esteem = more drinkz0rz yay!)

What: Tonight’s special guest is…Paul Freakin’ Finebaum, Alabama journalistic provocateur and current Saban-watcher. We’ll ask him if he’s interviewed Saban and find out if the new coach has had time for that shit or not.

We’re also going to talk USC football, the other goliath under discussion tonight, with Scout.com’s beat writer Garry Paskwietz, who will tell us how Pete Carroll gets those kickin’ abs.

Finally, we’ll have BearMeat’s creators on, since we can’t talk megaprograms without discussing…Baylor.

Finebaum: currently diagramming your next five outrages at him, Alabama fans.

Four Questions: As always, our four questions for the night.

1. Big program you really think deserves the awe. Texas. Something about the power of livestock compels us.

2. Big program which has caused you the most personal anguish.

FSU. The lone consistent brown streak in the clean white undies of the 1990s Florida story. We say consistent to rule out that little 1996 Fiesta Bowl thing ouch bleed thanks for the pain, asshole.

3. Little program you wish was a big program? USF. They’re on the way, but Tampa trash gone college gonzo would be just epic.

4. Name an overrated hottie. Kirsten Dunst is a sunken chested lamprey-woman. Why Spider-Man goes to any lengths to save her mystifies us. Personally, we’d prefer to fight for Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) from X-Men, if only because she looks a little too excited when Wolverine assaults her in the first one.

We’ve engaged in a joint venture with not one, but all of the LadiesDotDotDot crew. Better still, it’s an act of congress with six women our wife approved: a creation of an internet phenomenon involving no penetration or actual infidelity. We’re just that gangsta, ’scro.

The Ladies crew in conjunction with EDSBS have created the ultimate in playbook science: how to make love to a specific kind of sports fan. Since we’re all a little different, you need to know how to turn the corner on a toss sweep of a Volunteer fan’s panties, or turn a routine swipe of the bat into an inning-ending double play with a Red Sox fan. It’s knowledge the world needs, and we’re giving it to you cheap as free, internets dwellers.

The first installment? Our own unveiling of the intimate secrets of: HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO A FLORIDA FAN, written by EDSBS Senior Gator Copulation Tactics Correspondent Orson Swindle. Holly and Texas Gal’s guides on how to make love to Texas and Tennessee fans will follow. That’s actual women writing about sex, and not the “women” you chat with on AOL who turn out to be state troopers.

How to make love to a Florida fan. Start by being Good Chris Leak, not Evil Chris.

Again, how you lived without this we’ll never know. Warning: contains sexual language of such a frank and unbridled nature that it would make Trick Daddy blush.

HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO A FLORIDA FAN

Oh, Florida fan. You love scoring, and tonight I will hang fifty on you by halftime and have you begging for more. And that, Gator, will just be the start. (more…)

The legal ramifications are still shaking out from the Penn State assault/burglary case, but the internal punishment from the extremely fatigued Joe Paterno is a done deal:

While a possible punishment in the courts is still to be decided, Paterno already handed one down to the entire team: the Nittany Lions will clean Beaver Stadium on the Sunday’s after every home game.

Looking at the home schedule for 2007, we have some definite possibilities for exotic fan refuse to make the players’ jobs much, much more difficult than usual. Florida International brings the pork with them, but the real worry might be cleaning up the dead bodies A’Mod Ned leaves behind when his inevitable crutch-wielding tirade begins sometime in the third quarter.

If it’s funny once, it’s funny every time: Ned.

Notre Dame will leave behind only their echoes–easy enough to clean up there–while all five Buffalo fans can’t possibly make all that much of a mess. The biggest concern should be the Capital One Visigoth Horde that is the Ohio State fanbase, known for improvising latrines on the fly. Be afraid, Penn State footballers. That innocent cooler you’re handling could very well be something Jack Bauer is torturing people right now at this moment to find.*

Don’t touch that cooler, or you’ll incinerate most of Pennsylvania.

*Predicated on urban legend that at the 2006 Fiesta Bowl, Ohio State fans left coolers full of feces in the tailgating lots. Ohio State fans respond with a.) “Fuck you,” b.) “Fuck you, Notre Dame took a shit on the field, at least we had the decency to do it in a cooler.” Both points well taken.

In no way are we making a gay porn double entendre here. No sir. Because we are.

Los Angeles, (AP)–Mitch Mustain’s road has been a long, hard one. But the turmoil for now is over as he accepts an invitation to join Pete Carroll and the USC Trojans for the remainder of his college career and tries to break into the game on the West Coast.

The choice, Mustain says, made him drop to his knees in gratitude.

Jack Horner: thinks Mustain has potential.

“Hey, not everyone gets to come out West and work in the industry they want to work in, so I consider myself lucky. It’s not the starting job, sure. But I can learn a lot in the meantime from John and the really big guys who get to be in the spotlight.”

Mustain paused, and smiled. “And in the meantime I’ll be swallowing everything they throw at me just to push them to the edge and make them want it just that much harder.”

Pete Carroll said Mustain, like the other quarterbacks, will have to work his way up from the bottom.

“It’s a different game out here, and Mitch understands that. He was used to being THE stud in a scene. Now he’s just going to be another guy working hard for a shot. We’ll ride him. We’ll bust his ass. We’ll make him beg for it to see how much he really wants it.”

John David Booty praised Mustain’s humility upon meeting him. “A lot of guys want to come out and make it here. Not many have the kind of work ethic Mitch has. I did it when Leinart was here–hell, I was practically his slave. But look at me now–I pitch, they catch. It’s a quarterback’s dream. And if he works hard enough, it’ll be Mitch’s someday.”

Mustain, for one, doesn’t mind bending down for his chance at stardom.

“Hey, I could be on the streets. Instead, I’m working where I can with some great, great guys, and learning all I can. When I get an agent, all this will be worth it, and no one will remember me backing up Booty. All they’ll remember is Mitchy here going deep–real, real deep.”