ADIOS, ELLIS T. JONES
If you haven’t checked SMQ’s superb Hub pieces in the a.m., you should, because he reads everything all the time about college football. In Yodaspeak, he is the do, while we’re merely the try thanks to our insistence on reading other things like porn, racing forms, and international affairs journals.
Anyway, two great tidbits from the Hub this morning. First, Florida’s teflon gets slicker by degrees as Dustin Doe, the Florida linebacker charged with affray (fighting more than one person at once,) has his charges dropped thanks to authorities being unable to identify who started the fight in the first place.
The Stop Snitchin’ movement working for us, Florida fans! Snitches, stitches. Learn it, live it.
The other bit worth mentioning is the conviction of a Fulmer Cup legend: Ellis T. Jones, the man who inspired the Ellis T. Jones Award for Individual Achievement, was convicted of robbing a pizza parlor, an incident not even involved with his tasering of people looking for deals on Craigslist. Jones could do five years for the robbery, and hasn’t even begun to deal with his tasering/robbery case yet
In happy news, Jones had still more charges against him dropped, an attempted murder and robbery charge the judge called “too much, really, just too much, Ellis!” He didn’t say this, by the way. But he should have, dammit, twirling his toupee like Rip Taylor and throwing confetti in the air at the same time.
The judges in our imagination are much better than real life ones.
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1
Aerobab says:
O, you failed to note that ETJIII’s conviction isn’t just robbery…rather ARMED robbery. Nice.
May 3rd, 2007 at 8:20 am
2
sb says:
ETJIII is a career man. He picked a direction and is intent on becoming the best of the best. Gotta admire that kind of single-mindedness of purpose. And kudos for honoring him with the name of the award… credit where it’s due, etc.
On another note, teflon is a requirement of a successful program. Not that I would wish to emulate anything reFSU does, but it is worthy of note that due to Blobby Bowden’s unmistakable ability as a fellatist reFSU has remained unbelievably teflon for an exceptionally long period, with only some minor pitfalls for resurfacing.
May 3rd, 2007 at 8:31 am
3
RaginCajunRebel says:
I can’t wait for the inevitable story:
“Ellis T. Jones Shanks Man in Prison”
Visalia, CA; AP
In what seems to be only the next logical chapter in a story of one man’s chase at criminal supremacy, Ellis T. Jones has been charged with stabbing a man in prison. Jones, a former SJSU student athlete, is accused of filing down a toothbrush in his cell, taping it to a broken broom handle, and using it as a weapon against his fellow inmates.
Jones allegedly lured inmates to his cell with promises of “some smokes and hand loving,” before brutally stabbing them and trying to flush their bodies down his tiny toliet. When reached for comment in prison, Jones stated, “Tell all my lawyas that ETJ III is still reppin hard for da real lawyas in da streets. I just need space. Space, bitches. What?”
Jones’ former coach at SJSU, “Dick” Tomey, when informed of the latest trouble, responded, “He stabbed WHAT? I told you that boy was dedicated. Yeeeah, clickclack.”
Jones is expected to be paroled late next year.
May 3rd, 2007 at 8:44 am
4
RaginCajunRebel says:
addendum:
Jones has already been offered a scholarship by Coach Dennis Erickson at Arizone State University, provided he is released by 2008, when Coach Erickson is expected to leave ASU for another coaching position.
May 3rd, 2007 at 8:47 am
5
RedDevilEA says:
Ellis T. Jones vs. Maurice Clarett
Tonight at the Bellaggio
Undercard:
Donna Bragg vs. Paula Jones
May 3rd, 2007 at 8:59 am
6
irishoutsider says:
I’d kill a snitch. I’m not saying I have. I’m not saying I haven’t.
Whatever. You kids dont know shit.
May 3rd, 2007 at 9:08 am
7
italiangator says:
Red Devil, could we somehow throw in the crazy astronaut lady to the undercard as well?
May 3rd, 2007 at 9:09 am
8
The Conscience of a Nation says:
RCR, you’re en fuego!
May 3rd, 2007 at 9:20 am
9
RedDevilEA says:
italiangator-Round Card Girl, perhaps? Someone’s got to be there to throw the metal folding chairs into the ring.
May 3rd, 2007 at 9:24 am
10
James says:
How do affray charges get dropped when they cannot identify who started the altercation? My understanding is that crux of an affray charge is the public disturbance that is caused by the fight, not the fight itself. I got one myself for watching (not participating in) a fight in Athens one night.
May 3rd, 2007 at 9:24 am
11
Brian says:
Thread jack: WTF is going in on the “Rejected by eHarmonry” Ad??
May 3rd, 2007 at 9:27 am
12
DC Trojan says:
eHarmony tends to filter out the non-traditional and irreligious. I guess Chemistry is where you go to find the freaky people who want to find that certain someone.
May 3rd, 2007 at 9:35 am
13
Coop says:
That woman does have that look to her like she was following Manson or kicking it on Jim Jones’ acreage.
May 3rd, 2007 at 9:51 am
14
Out of Conference says:
That runaway bride bitch from the ATL (Dunwoody was it?) should be on the Rejected by eHarmony ad. Maybe they should sponsor the Clarett v. ETJ fight. ‘Cuz freaks need lovin’ , too.
May 3rd, 2007 at 10:05 am
15
Brian says:
All that ad makes me want to do is join eHarmony to find “good southern baptist girls” who’re freaks in the sack…and then break their hearts.
May 3rd, 2007 at 10:21 am
16
PeterPumpkinhead says:
It must be great being a prosecutor in G’ville… go watch practice, drop a few charges, go watch cheerleading practice, go get a beer…
May 3rd, 2007 at 10:25 am
17
Doug the future Mr. Theuriau says:
Brian, here’s what you do: Lure them into the bedroom, wherein you convince them to engage in the most outlandish, deviant, paraphiliac sex acts imaginable. Whips, chains, spanking, peeing, threesomes, fivesomes, ball gags, everything you’ve ever thought about doing and then some. Then the next time they approach you about “taking the relationship to the next level” or even simply going out on another date, you shuffle your feet apologetically and tell them, “Look, I’m sorry . . . but I only date nice girls.”
Save yourselves an e-mail, feminists and/or “sensitive guys” — that idea was suggested to me by my little sister.
May 3rd, 2007 at 10:34 am
18
adam says:
here’s a great chemisty ad
http://youtube.com/watch?v=XsSNo38E6EU
May 3rd, 2007 at 10:55 am
19
The Conscience of a Nation says:
Doug-
Only a woman could come up with that. That’s the real reason lesbians never break up– women know what other women are capable of, and choose not to risk it.
Seriously, though, nonsense like that can lead to the girl posting a video on You Tube where she’s pegging the daylights out of you.
May 3rd, 2007 at 11:01 am
20
italiangator says:
I see TCOAN has been browsing the world of soccer stars’ sex lives, eh?
May 3rd, 2007 at 11:15 am
21
Geaux Irish says:
Minor point for RCR:
Jones allegedly lured inmates to his cell with promises of “some smokes and hand loving,”
Wouldn’t it be the loving first and the smokes second? Maybe it’s a little different in jail…
May 3rd, 2007 at 11:19 am
22
PSUgirl says:
Why oh why can’t this trend have spread to Central PA? We’re as hip to that jive as the next homey. so unfair.
May 3rd, 2007 at 12:00 pm
23
sb says:
TCOAN, your comments never cease to raise the hairs on the back of my neck… y’know, for years it never occurred to me that people thought, much less that they thought that way. Now you’ve got me lookin’ over my shoulder!
May 3rd, 2007 at 12:05 pm
24
Turf says:
I’m guessing that if there isn’t already an ETJ IV, there isn’t going to be as ETJ III will likely be spending a majority of his remaining days in a single sex environment…
What a shame?
May 3rd, 2007 at 12:09 pm
25
Aerobab says:
Not necessarilly true, Turf…as RCR so eloquently stated above, ETJIII apparently has quite the prowess for persuasion of others. I can certainly forsee him wooing a female jailer for a quick ride on the Love Train. IV could be soon to follow.
May 3rd, 2007 at 12:59 pm
26
Orson Swindle says:
Poor, poor Stefan Postma. Google it and watch, if you’re not at work or looking to get fired.
May 3rd, 2007 at 1:15 pm
27
DC Trojan says:
That’s the real reason lesbians never break up– women know what other women are capable of, and choose not to risk it.
Are you sure it’s not just the moving costs?
May 3rd, 2007 at 1:17 pm
28
Stacy Keibler Luvs Me says:
DC Trojan:
Do not think so….Postma’s ex leaked a video of her wearing a strap-on and has him bent over like a little ***.
May 3rd, 2007 at 3:46 pm
29
Orson Swindle says:
Oh, it’s bad. Just awful, in fact. South Park couldn’t make up a scene that would seem as embarrassing as Postma’s getting pegged by his girlfriend.
May 3rd, 2007 at 3:49 pm
30
DC Trojan says:
I hadn’t heard tell of Postma and the post-mount, but that is slightly embarrassing. I don’t know whether it’s any more homoerotic than all those English soccer players who insist on sharing women among 3 or 4 at a time – “it just slipped in, Rio, I swear!”
May 3rd, 2007 at 10:08 pm
31
doreblogger says:
Where do I send contributions to Ellis T. Jones’ commissary fund?
May 4th, 2007 at 9:02 am