DROOL, MONKEYS, DROOL: TWO OPENING GAMES YOU SHOULD WATCH FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS
With spring behind us and only the long, slow, sad hibernation of summer ahead of us, the college football fan has options now. You could focus on your job, spend quality time with your family, or even volunteer your time for a local nonprofit of your choice. Or you could grow tomatoes? Ya ever thought about that?
Of course you haven't, because some grubby dude in a field is working his balls off right now spraying gallons of deadly, carcinogenic insecticide on zillions of tomatoes baking in the subtropical sun just to get you a huge beefsteak to crown your hamburger. We didn't crawl from the muck to grow our own food. We did it because as fish with protofeet and sprouting lungs, we had the dream that one day we could cruise Rivals.com all day slobbering at the hypothetical games we're going to be watching, being the unproductive monkeys all mudskippers dream of being.
And for us, graduate mudskippers, 2007 will be large, large, large. Like Maradona 2007 large. But like Maradona, you'll get fat not just on quality nutrition, but on the junk food of the schedule, too. Here's our pair of fattening, non-value games from week one that you'll watch anyway for all the wrong reasons.

Like, Maradona-large. England points and laughs.
Washington at Syracuse. 8 p.m., ESPN.
Animal, mineral, or vegetable? Vegetable. But it's the first day of the season, so trainwrecking will pass for entertainment. Syracuse's horrible, no good, very, very bad offense (worst in the Big East) meets Washington's crapulent defense (worst in the Pac-10, unless you count Stanford, which we don't.) This means you may be experiencing physical pain at the end of the second quarter. Breathe deep and push through it, since the ending will likely entail something so gorily inept you'll kick yourself for not seeing it. This year's version of Iowa/Syracuse 2006, where you may remember the only goal line stand we've ever seen where we didn't so much credit the defense as excommunicate the offense from the church of decent offense.
Animal correlative: Like watching a toothless old mountain lion attempt to eat a porcupine. Whoever loses last, wins.
West Virginia vs. Marshall. ESPN/ESPN2, TBD.
Animal, mineral, or vegetable?VROOM! Mineral, as in hammered steel pistons pumping out record lap times at Talladega. What had been a slightly substantial rivalry has dimmed to an annual skullknocking with last year's 42-10 headkicking being a prototypical example of what happens to Marshall when they play a Rich Rodriguez team.
Everyone loves a good sprinting slaughter, though, which this promises to be. Let us remind you that Steve Slaton, repaired wrist and all, will be back with Pat "Meow" White, Darius Reynaud, and incoming phonics champion Noel Devine taking the field in one capacity or another. We haven't even touched on West Virginia's improving wideouts. Though Marshall knows exactly what West Virginia will do--run, run, run, run--a team that went "4-7...in the highly competitive Conference-USA" stands little to no chance of getting out of the first quarter without tasting the jet wash of Slaton or White busting multiple sixty yarders on the defense.
Ask the Wannstache, and he will say the same, twitching his mustache all the while.
Animal correlative? A leopard seal ripping a penguin in half.
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So it’s like that? Iowa gets a mention but it’s a slap?
by jebushchrist on May 1, 2007 12:21 PM EDT reply actions
Maradona’s figure reminds me of my youngest sister’s, but she has an excuse. I wonder if he’s expecting twins, too.
by PJ from NU in SF on May 1, 2007 12:30 PM EDT reply actions
good to see Maradona still rocking the Argentinian powder blue though.
by AllWhoYonder on May 1, 2007 12:46 PM EDT reply actions
So where’s Mr. Rourke and that wicked white suit?
by jebushchrist on May 1, 2007 12:51 PM EDT reply actions
i think there should be a case study on maradona…. how can someone stay so portly whilst doing so much bolivian party powder?
by rjsplow on May 1, 2007 12:51 PM EDT reply actions
I’ve been pointing and laughing at him ever since the Germans won the 1990 World Cup when he was crying his eyes out. That’s Karma for you…
Can’t wait for the season to start…how many weeks before Phil Steele’s 2007 preview is out?
by Mighty Squirrel Kingdom on May 1, 2007 12:59 PM EDT reply actions
heheheheheehehehehhehehe… Fucking. Awesome.
Kudos for finding a YouTube clip entirely of [Eat Shit] Pitt highlights. However, points are to be deducted from the maker of the film for not ending the homage with the footage of Pat White meowing.
by CouchBurnin'Girl on May 1, 2007 12:59 PM EDT reply actions
rjsplow-
I call that the “Jerry Garcia” effect. Who know heroin/coke addicts could be fat?
by The Conscience of a Nation on May 1, 2007 1:01 PM EDT reply actions
TCOAN-Jerry Garcia wasn’t fat-he was just bloated from the blotter paper fermenting in a belly full of orange juice and bourbon.
by RedDevilEA on May 1, 2007 1:09 PM EDT reply actions
I thought for sure that the phrase “2 of Amerika’s Most Wanted” and WVU would equal highlights of PacMan Jones and Chris Henry.
Though, the Slaton/White highlights didn’t disappoint, and closely resemble the havoc that can wreaked with them on NCAA ’07.
by BDoc on May 1, 2007 1:11 PM EDT reply actions
RedDevilEA-
:^D
I heard “Truckin’” on the radio this weekend in Gainesville. Brought back some great memories. And it was better than the rest of the stuff on the radio along I-75 in middle and south Georgia— after I lost ESPN radio and the NFL draft, I was treated to, of course, “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” and “Sweet Home Alabama”. Twice. I have this theory that at any given time in the South SHA is being played on at least five stations, just in case some Yankee might drive through without being advised that a southern man don’t need Neil Young around, anyhow.
by The Conscience of a Nation on May 1, 2007 1:17 PM EDT reply actions
Glad to see a youtube highlight clip not featuring nu metal, or whatever crappy music that usually accompanies said footage.
And TCOAN—Watergate does not bother me. Does your Conscience bother you? Tell the truth.
by RaginCajunRebel on May 1, 2007 1:25 PM EDT reply actions
If Eddie Vedder likes Neil, that’s good enough for me.
by RedDevilEA on May 1, 2007 1:29 PM EDT reply actions
Noticed much the same on a recent drive from DC to Charleston, SC, but attributed the phenomenon to the likelihood that two-thirds of the podunk radio stations I was pulling in are owned by Clear Channel (or whatever the hell it’s called now) and programmed by one team of shared-services chimps in Los Angeles based on the chimps’ impressions of what Southerners want to hear.
by DevilGrad on May 1, 2007 1:30 PM EDT reply actions
Whoever loses lasts, wins.
I think that’s my new mantra.
I’ll miss, “See what Willingham’s recruiting did to us?”
by Whitey on May 1, 2007 1:35 PM EDT reply actions
“This year’s version of Iowa/Syracuse 2006, where you may remember the only goal line stand we’ve ever seen where we didn’t so much credit the defense as excommunicate the offense from the church of decent offense.”
What? Didn’t watch Shula’s Tide much in ’06?"
I understand he was known to pick a song or two.
Yes he do.
by Kenny on May 1, 2007 1:37 PM EDT reply actions
TCOAN- This is why I gladly pay $12.95 (or whatever it is now) per month to get XM. Four trips on consecutive weekends from ATL to The Swamp with regular radio? Never again!
by Mormon T. Suxorz on May 1, 2007 1:46 PM EDT reply actions
That’s Maradona? I thought it was the other commie – Rosie O’Donnell.
by Stacy Keibler Luvs Me on May 1, 2007 1:52 PM EDT reply actions
Does anyone have a link to the meowing clip again?
by Geaux Irish on May 1, 2007 1:53 PM EDT reply actions
ESPN opens up the college football slate August 30 with LSU @ Mississippi State, Thurzday Nite Styley. Animal correlative? Think starving cheetahs and gimpy, mildly retarded Thompson gazelles.
by Travis Swenson on May 1, 2007 2:09 PM EDT reply actions
Satellite radio is OK, but a cheaper/better alternative is just to get an itrip or simmilar device and just play your ipod through the car radio. Program the music yourself.
by oc phil on May 1, 2007 2:22 PM EDT reply actions
worst in the Pac-10, unless you count Stanford, which we don’t.
At least they have the band to fall back on. Oh.
mildly retarded Thompson gazelles
Curiosity overwhelms me: how does one distinguish those from the brighter Thompson’s Gazelles?
by DC Trojan on May 1, 2007 2:25 PM EDT reply actions
I got XM a couple of years back just so I wouldn’t be relagated to listening to the local Hog apologist stations.
Another bonus is they have a couple of channels dedicated to SEC, a couple each for the Big 10/11, ACC, PAC 10, etc.
by drogue on May 1, 2007 2:29 PM EDT reply actions
Anyone have the clip of the gazelle smashing into the tree next to the lion?
by drogue on May 1, 2007 2:30 PM EDT reply actions
- - They punt on their opponent’s 30 yard line. (See MSU v. UGa, ’06)
by Travis Swenson on May 1, 2007 2:43 PM EDT reply actions
Fuck Maradonna and Fuck Chelsea.
Come on Liverpooooooooooool.
by oc phil on May 1, 2007 2:49 PM EDT reply actions
The clips of WVU vs. Pitt look eerily similar to Noel Divine’s high school hi-light footage. They could really be pretty sick next year with Slaton, White, Devine, and Reynaud all being home run threats on every single play….
by Dave K. on May 1, 2007 2:53 PM EDT reply actions
SMQ—
4-7 in the competitive C-USA. 5-7 overall.
Even Marshall gets cupcakes.
by Orson Swindle on May 1, 2007 3:00 PM EDT reply actions
The WVU/Marshall game will be on ESPN2 due to an 11:10 a.m. kickoff since Gameday will still be on the mothership.
http://pinfallmarks.blogspot.com/2007/04/this-is-re-goddamn-diculous.html
by letsplaytummysticks on May 1, 2007 3:17 PM EDT reply actions
in fairness, maradona hasn’t looked like that since his gastric bypass surgery two years ago.
by kleph on May 1, 2007 10:17 PM EDT reply actions
Before anybody gives this game to WVU, remember that Marshall is 109-11 in its current stadium and has only lost by more than 7 twice. And that the Herd has one of the best TE’s and DE’s in the nation.
by Alex on May 2, 2007 3:33 AM EDT reply actions
Also…Marshall has played a “Rich Rodriguez” team only twice. They are 1-1 after losing to WVU last year and beating Clemson and OC Rich Rod 13-10 in ’99.
by Alex on May 2, 2007 3:47 AM EDT reply actions
Alex out of the 109 wins how many are versus BCS teams?
by letsplaytummysticks on May 2, 2007 11:22 AM EDT reply actions
What’s a BCS team???
Wait I remeber now—it’s sort of like Segregation and the Civil Rights issues of the 50’s and 60’s—Where one person is not entitled to the same opportunity as another because they are perceived inferior. Come to think of it—It’s just like Civil Rights issues… uh hum..Is there a lawyer in the house??
And by BCS, I assume you are refering to those conferences where powerhouses like Indiana and Syracuse and Duke and Minnesota and Rutgers and UConn and North Carolina and Washington and Stanford and Missouri and Mississippi State and Colorada and Arizona and Ole Miss……….so on and so on play Division 1 football and are grandfathered in to a fat inheritance check from their “Rich Successful Uncles”
Herd Up!
by Otis on May 2, 2007 1:40 PM EDT reply actions
That’s right how many teams from those conferences are in the 109? Easy enough.
by letsplaytummysticks on May 2, 2007 3:28 PM EDT reply actions
I’ll make it even easier. Since 1997, the first year in 1A for Marshall, the Herd is 4 and 14 against BCS conference teams including loses to Ole Miss and North Carolina. How many of the 4 wins came at home?
by letsplaytummysticks on May 2, 2007 3:47 PM EDT reply actions
aaaah! you’ve awoken the dreaded Marshall “statistician” defense. No matter how many times or how badly Marshall loses their ardent fans can conjure up a bounty of math-a-magic, from their sportspage wallpapered, one light bulb dangling basements to prove that indeed they are the greatest in all the land, and that WVU is, indeed, the root of all evil.
by WVUFan on May 3, 2007 9:10 AM EDT reply actions
Well…You missed the whole point of the response (or conveniently sidestepped it/ignored it). Move along….
Oh yeah…… Before you Morgantowners starting thumping your chest too much, go back and check out WVU wins over BCS schools from 1997 to current. Absent the last 2 seasons of success, your record ain’t very good at all versus BCS teams.
In fact had it not been for the T.C.R.S. factor —you all would have had many a losing season record (not to mention a losing record against BCS teams). I know it’s hard to believe that T.C.R.S. were BCS teams during that time. The T.C.R.S. factor —The dreaded horrific part of the schedule when you faced Temple, Connecticut, Rutgers, and Syracuse. None of those teams would have ever won games except for the fact that they all played each other
Credit given where due however—You did drop James Madison University off the schedule and replace them with Wofford College.
Hello Nitro WV!!
by OtisEagle on May 3, 2007 10:24 AM EDT reply actions
Not sure what your initial point was other than BCS conferences have bad teams then you listed some and Marshall lost to two of them. Now that is funny.
Also funny you bring up Temple since that is one of your four wins versus a BCS conference team. Not sure the hate for Syracuse, they have a winning record since ’97 including Orange and Fiesta Bowl games.
by letsplaytummysticks on May 3, 2007 11:34 AM EDT reply actions
And before you begin another diatribe let me point out that my only point was the 109 wins may have been against some teams out of the top 25. If you don’t want to use BCS conferences as a strength of schedule indicator then tell me how many of the 109 were versus ranked teams or just give me the highest ranked team of the 109 wins.
by letsplaytummysticks on May 3, 2007 12:29 PM EDT reply actions

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