Meat on the hoof on the move! For all the big boys out there, your five seconds of glory: the tackle eligible, executed to perfection here by Colorado’s Sam “Lightnin’” Wilder.

Even Musburger couldnt’ work up the nerve to say “If he breaks that tackle…”, a sentence only appropriately completed with “he goes another two yards and collapses due to a pulmonary embolism.”

The NCAA released their report on race in NCAA athletics this past week, citing statistics submitted by member institutions that the NCAA says were “robust enough to be meaningful” despite only 782 schools out of 1,054 member schools responding. According to the report, the total number of men’s and women’s basketball and football coaches increased by 76 percent over the past decade.

Nevertheless, the report sounded a note of brutal honesty in assessing the disparate numbers of black head coaches and assistant coaches in collegiate sport:

“Overall, if you look at the growth of student-athletes of color who are involved in NCAA athletics, the big takeaway from this report is that the growth is not being reflected in the numbers of individuals who are either choosing or receiving the opportunity to become assistant or head coaches, directors of athletics and senior woman administrators,” (Charlotte Westerhaus, NCAA Diversity-type) said.

Charlie Strong, turned down for half the coaching jobs in the SEC, would agree.

National championship defensive coordinator. 24 years experience. Someone give him a head job, please.

Per the request of commenter Oops Pow Surprise!: the cover that really should be the frontpiece for NCAA 2008.

Ned–never forget…

Ivan Maisel and company are currently rolling through a weeklong series on the follies of Arkansas athletics, with Maisel turning in his bit on Houston Nutt’s disastrous offseason of FOIA requests, accusations about his personal life, and his struggle with a crack cocaine habit that Whitney Houston called “scary, man.”*

Whitney Houston: could have, in a parallel universe, commented on Houston Nutt’s nonexistent but dramatic crack habit. Rumorz r funn!

At one point, Maisel referred to the tactic of accusing Nutt of cheating on his wife and lying about who he contacted and when as “Rovian,” a reference to Karl Rove, head political adviser for Bush and possible sheepfucker**. Maisel, who himself spends his weekends out of the office doing GOD KNOWS WHAT with local teens***, wrote this:

The innuendo came at no extra charge. Nutt’s detractors have put him in the impossible position of proving a negative — he must have cheated on his wife because there is no proof that he did not.

It is a maneuver borrowed from national politics, Rovian in style and execution.

Fair enough–it’s a page straight out of backwoods politics as played by both parties but perfected by the Lee Atwater school of campaigning, summed up best in Atwater’s famous quip “Let’s strip the bark off this son of a bitch.” (more…)

The ghost of Garret Bushong still inhabits Purdue. If you’ll recall, Bushong inhabited the prestigious third-string TE spot at Purdue when he was charged with operating a vehicle while intoxicated. Bushong boldly defended himself in deathless prose in the student paper (The Exponent, a title so boldly nerdy you have to tip hat) in a letter that featured this quote:

We run this place and if anyone begs to differ, I’ll say what my good buddy Brandon Kirsch once said. “You know where to find me, locker number three, so come and say what you need to say to my face.”

Why thank you, Lattimer! A.J. Jacobs of The Know It All fame once joked about identifying a “trend of two” as a desperation move in creating a new story for Esquire. We’ll go ahead and call a trend of two for reserve tight ends at Purdue, as Jerry Wasikowski was arrested on May 22nd for DUI in West Lafayette at 5 in the morning.

Again: next time, just sleep on the nearest couch or floor. You may want to spend the night in your own bed, sure, but chances are you’ll just end up flopping into bed anyway smelling like the inside of a Guangzhou taxi cab. You’ll accomplish several things this way: preventing a DUI, opening the gate for potential late-night random sex, and ensuring that you’ll transfer the reek of your clothes into a stranger’s couch and not your own sheets, which you’ll have to wash, sir/ma’am.

Ugly, put sometimes essential: just stay on the nearest couch, no matter how rank.

Two points for generic DUI to Purdue, who still runs this place.

Speaking of our newest catchphrase…A HUNDRED COCKTAILS to IGN for the easily embedded video and A HUNDRED MORE for the programmers at EA.

The Statue of Liberty Cometh. Oklahoma Sooners fans, shield your eyes. (HT: The Sporting Orange.)

Joe Namath, before he was known to a younger generation as the guy who wanted to make out with Suzy Kolber and stated so publicly and in Ms. Kolber’s presence, was the most charismatic 50 percent passer you’ve ever seen and a “Nightlife Decathlete” for the ages in the 1970s.

Namath lived through it, though sadly his Fu Manchu mustache did not. We mournz it.

Click after the jump for more awesome Namath-ness. Really, if a random internet search turns up this much in just pictures, the reality of Namath’s leisure time from 1968–1982 or so had to be extremely hard to believe without seeing it. (more…)

New coach Nick Saban and Les Miles have used text messaging and other new technologies to try to get the edge in recruiting. But the two coaches, now bitter rivals in the hotly contested SEC West, have resorted to an old but reliable method of getting their message across to a recruiting base more attuned to the sound of the streets than the cheery bromides of a middle-aged white coach.

“Dawg, I thought he was clownin’, but dude’s got flow,” says Memphis area mixtape impressario B-Crack90. “His first joint is my second leading seller, right behind T-Nutz’s Xerox Me Your Thickness/ Da Remix featurin’ Akon. Say-Bann got the streets bumpin’ and you heard that.”

Whuppin that trick on the dance flo’: MC Say-Bann.

Saban made the tape on the advice of his players, who suggested that it was an appropriate response to Les Miles referring to the Crimson Tide as “Fucking Alabama” in an LSU booster meeting. Production was handled by several anonymous Alabama players, including one known only as “DJ Longshanks,” and was completed in typically prompt Saban fashion.

“He dropped, like, 38 tracks in two hours, man,” said DJ Longshanks, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “He was mailing them in, like, bam bam bam. We were astounded.”

Sporting a delivery somewhere between Slick Rick and Eminem, Saban taunts not only Miles and LSU fans, but most of the big names in the football world on the leadoff single, “I Ain’t Got Tyme (4 This Shit)”

(Warning: extremely adult language.) (more…)

This week’s update needs some updating itself–therefore find updates and errors after the big board.

Corrections, updates, and errata:

Errbuddy in da car gettin’ tipsy! USC safety Josh Pinkard, last seen “failing to tackle Vince Young,” as Signal to Noise so eloquently put it, whiffs on a tackle at sobriety during a very key roadside encounter with a police officer. And again, it comes at a very critical time, as in during the middle of a breathalyzer test.

Pinkard’s DUI arrest occurred on May 18 at 3:44 a.m., giving further credence to the idea that if you are in the public eye and out at three in the morning, you should probably get your ass home as soon as possible. Unless, of course, you’re out with Peter O’Toole having ONE HUNDRED COCKTAILS and preparing to steal a train. If this is the case, please proceed with all due speed.

I stole a train with Albert Finney.

Two Fulmer Cup points for standard DUI, though we reserve the right to award bonus points for Pinkard’s BAC total if it approaches Lohan/Yeltsin territory.

Florida cornerback gives a boot the boot. What Peter O’Toole is to drinks, we were to parking tickets during our term at the University of Florida. Occasionally we feel a tickle in the back of our throat; after a vigorous series of coughs, a vintage 1995 UPD parking ticket floats from the sky. The now-defunct ‘89 Ford Escort station wagon that made it through three years of our outright negligence was festooned with the little yellow blessings on an hourly basis, impounded, booted, towed, and on one occasion experienced a near miss from an RPG employed by UPD to take care of particularly noxious offenders like ourselves.

But for the water, we probably would have parked on Lake Alice.

Florida corner Dorian Munroe might be the official player of Orson Swindle for the 2007 season, since he’s following in the grand tradition of funding the college educations of UPD officers singlehandedly by racking up enough tickets to get his car booted on campus. This presents no problem if you don’t take the boot off and stick it in your trunk, as Munroe did, prompting a police summons to UPD offices on May 22nd where Munroe admitted removing the boot and gave it back to the officers.

The real problem comes with the 3rd degree felony charge accompanying the theft of anything between $300 and 5,000 in value. Munroe actually went to the county jail for this, and will have to find a way to avoid a felony charge sticking to his record.

Two points for the whole thing, what with the felony charges and all. At least they didn’t use the RPG on you, Munroe. Those Blackwater contractors are merciless in “eliminating the parking problem through any means necessary.”

You will park in the orange 3 lot only, sir, or face consequences of an extreme nature.

What: EDSBS LIVE online radio Click that or the banner thingy to your right to listen…because Ragin Cajun Rebel is our co-host tonight while Peter Bean is taking “a German holiday” in Paris and looking to become the second Texan to make France its bitch. And unlike Lance Armstrong, Peter can do all the doping he wants.

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum (which has gotten damn lively). To phone in to the show, just call (310) 984-7600.

What: Tonight’s special guest is…Johnny Hangover! Actually, it will be Ragin Cajun Rebel, our anchor leg guest who will kindly fill in for Peter tonight. Expect…SPICE, since we will be appropriately discussing what’s going to be hot and not hot for 2007 in college football.

Four Questions: As always, our four questions for the night.

1. OMG What’s hoTT? We say the Mike Leach offense, which after years of skepticism is slowly sinking into programs in desperate need of offensive life (Baylor, Arizona, etc.)

We’ll also say the WAC, since writers can now name TWO whole teams of substance from the conference after Hawaii beat the daylights out of a hobbled ASU team in the Sheraton Hawaii Bowl last year.

2. OMG What is soooo not hooooottttttt? Notre Dame, year three of Robot Geniushood: (more…)

On the heels of an Alabama Crimson Tide fan actually naming their child “Bryant Crimson” this past week, suggest names for babies and the fans who have them.

Auburn Tigers.…Shug Plainsmen. Delightful mix of the formal and informal. Seriously, give us a month, and there will be a baby named this.

Arizona State Wildcats Sun Devils.…Ripper McTavish. Just because with the Dennis Erickson takeover, the names have got to class up to the level of scoundrality brought to the program by the original football contract buccaneer. Ripper’s the man here.

Colorado Buffaloes…Rock Brockford. Because Colorado needs a dude named Rock.

South Carolina Gamecocks…Brock Cockford. Because South Carolina needs a dude named Brock Cockford.

USC.…McKay Peter. Just tony enough to have the West Coast aristocratic feel, but with enough football nods to keep people from assuming he was bound for Stanford, god forbid.

LSU.…Cannon Chineezebandito. Historical, yes; but with enough flair to make it onto the roster.

Oklahoma.…Sodbuster Switzer. How much would love to make an announcer say the name “Sodbuster.” It would be, like, close to De’Cody Fagg good, especially if Oklahoma was blessed with the gift/curse of being the Musbergame of the week.

(Brent Musburger, btw, is aware of your internets googles and youtubes, and is being careful about what he does in bars:)

Florida. Obeecee Jackson. Combines phonetics of Ol’ Ball Coach’s acronym with the name Jackson. If you want your child to play for Florida, it helps to have the last name Jackson, since something like 40 percent of all Florida Players have.

Although the title of Ms. Universe went to Ms. Japan (which I thought was a travesty), we here at EDSBS believe that there are no losers in this wonderful competition. I mean, are you going to call Ms. Brazil as loser???? We sure won’t:

Miss Brazil Natalia Guimaraes

More worthy cheesecakery after the jump (more…)

We knew vacation was over when the vodka ran out–which, sadly, it did. We’re back, up, and hoping to take the Serena Williams approach to blogging fitness. Meaning we’ll play our fat asses into shape over the course of the tournament. Edit: our fat beautiful asses.

Getting in shape? That’s what the first two rounds are for, suckers.

The morning roll call of extremely important events we missed while gone:

Auburn recruits allegedly changed the grades of two players had grades changed at the last minute to make them eligible, according to the Mobile Press-Register. We normally don’t even post allegations of malfeasance sent to us by either Alabama/Auburn fans re: Auburn/Alabama football players, but this one comes from an actual newspaper, not Roscoe’s House O’ Cheatin’ Bastards.blogspot.com.

The NCAA is investigating… (more…)

Every year at this time it seems the debates start again over conference supremacy. On any given year, despite being SEC homers, we can see how reasonable minds can differ… with respect to football that is. That said, we will not tolerate any argument over fan passion. Exhibt A, check out this beautiful child, born in Huntsville, Alabama, who will be forever cursed blessed with the noble name of Bryant Crimson. Bravo Mom and Dad!

It was pointed out to us that, although we have featured Ms. Agustina’s (not her real name) posterior before, she was never officially a Friday Cheesecake entry. So here we go. We give you, Keyra Augustina of Argentina.

(more…)