CONDITIONING, ALAN BRANCH’S WAY
Autumn Thunder makes it clear that they think Alan Branch, Michigan defensive tackle, got very, very serious for his pre-draft training regimen.
April 30, 2007
YEAHH….CLICKCLACK: A THEATRE REVIEW OF SPURRIER’S UNDERARMOUR AD
Steve Spurrier has the gift of being one of those people that wherever he goes, there he is: a brilliant, cocky, and complete slave to games (most notably football and golf.)
This is what makes him a brilliant choice for any commercial, since wherever you put him, he’s still going to be himself. That’s what made this weekend’s nonstop loop of the Spurrier UnderArmour commercial so completely awesome. Given a wooden script fashioned from the stalest coach speak, Spurrier did what all actors do: he inimitably made it his own.
(Video captured by the Sporting Orange, in case you can’t read. In which case, fuck you, Charlie, because you can’t read this anyway.)
Sure, there’s a whole twenty seconds of homoerotic commercial after that: drills, sweat, sprinting with parachutes, all done guys in tight Underarmour shirts wrestling over superimposed animal sounds (LYCRA FLEX ROOOOAAARRRRGGGHHH!!! They’re like animals!) The ersatz Dr. Dre soundtrack doesn’t help either, since you expect 50 Cent to come in mushmouthing about champagne and his sexual superiority to you at any moment.
Yet the opening performance–visual poetry. Spurrier actually drops the definite article from his greeting–”This is head ball coach.” (more…)
FULMER CUP SCOREBOARD: PENN STATE UBER ALLES
The big board for the week arrives, courtesy of reader Brian. We had to install some new bulbs just to fit Penn State’s score on there…
Penn State like WHOA. Please leave questions, comments, and jeers below.
FULMER CUP ACCOUNTING: TAMPA ALWAYS = FUN
Matt Grothe, simply earning some extra money as an intrepid, hardworking college student, picked up an unfortunate citation for serving alcohol to an 18 year old during his shift as a bartender at “The Bull Ring,” a Tampa sports bar within puking distance of the USF campus. We had no idea serving 18 year olds any kind of booze was a problem in Tampa, as we’ve seen toddlers doing shots at Dave’s Aqua Lounge out on Gandy before crawling into their Power Wheels and weaving home.
They’re not the only ones, either: Tampa has to lead the world in alternate forms of transport on the road used as a direct result of DUIs. The Barbie Power Wheels Jeep is prime real estate, automotively speaking, for the interlock crowd.
Greg Auman, a journalist who displays some fine blogging fundamentals on his St. Pete Times blog, has the full (and we mean full) story of the Grothe arrest. In summary: it’s no big deal NCAA-wise since athletes are allowed to work as long as they’re properly compensated, and legally it’s no biggie since 18 year olds may work as barkeeps in the state of Florida. (Odd, but true.)
What is troubling for enforcement types is the open possibility of illegal benefits channeled through tips. Anyone who’s ever worked in a bar might recognize this as a real danger; bartenders consistently underreport their tips due to intentional and unintentional bad accounting. In an all-cash economy with few receipts, the potential for cash flowing into player’s hands is endless. Unless they’re serving toddlers–those little bastards tip like cash-strapped Baptists, dammit.
One point for USF for a paltry underage serving charge in the Fulmer Cup. Oh, and one for UGA, too, while we’re clearing house, because Akeem doesn’t want the terrorists to win.
FULMER CUP: BIG CLIPSE FANS IN IDAHO, WE GUESS.
People must fear Dennis Erickson like they fear the plague and fire, because nothing really happens at a program until he leaves. Then, like kicking over a rotten log, everything explodes when he leaves, as evidenced by the sudden outbreak of arrests at the otherwise peaceful, placid Unversity of Idaho.
Idaho sophomore defensive tackle Marvin C. Jones Jr. was arrested after he allegedly sold cocaine to undercover police officers, Moscow Police Assistant Chief David Duke said Friday.
He sells coke! Not only does this earn substantial Fulmer Cup points for the Idaho Vandals, it also just garnered a guest slot rapping on a Clipse album. (They sell coke! In case you didn’t know. LOTS OF IT WAMP WAMP WHAT.)
The bigger news is that more arrests could follow in what police describe as “a developing situation.” For the moment, Idaho can pause at three counts of delivery of a controlled substance, each worth three points a piece, with charges undoubtedly pending contingent on how deeply Mr. Jones feels the “no-snitchin’” policy. That’s Moscow up with a snowstorm of nine points! They do cocaine!
Given the fact that Don Erickson is now running game in Tempe, Mr. Jones might want to think long and hard, since the Golf Cart of Doom and Coach Erickson’s Enchanted Beer Coozy can provide him no protection now.
Again: someday Dennis Erickson and a tumbler of scotch are driving into a volcano during the Hula Bowl. It’s just gotta happen.
EXPERTS: DOLPHINS, BERMAN BIGGEST DRAFT LOSERS.
The NFL Draft is done, and experts now begin the long work of picking apart each team’s successes and failures. One day after most experts do agree on the two biggest surprises of the draft: the Miami Dolphins’ surprise drafting of Ted Ginn Jr., Ohio State wide receiver and kick returner, with the ninth pick of the draft, and Chris Berman’s reach for an unidentified blonde at the ESPNZone Manhattan Afterparty during the sixth round late Saturday night.
“It was an absolute shocker,” said Mel Kiper, Jr, who had Ginn going on the first day but not anywhere close to the top ten. “Cam Cameron thinks he’s getting the best offensive weapon on the board, but that’s a lot to spend for someone who’s basically your number three receiver and is coming in with an ankle injury.”
“And as far as Berman goes…well, that was shocking, too. He’s found better prospects than that in the past.”
Draft analyst Sean Salisbury agreed with Kiper’s assessment. “Miami really reached with that pick. Aside from Michael Griffin’s selection by the Tennessee Titans, it was undoubtedly the reach of the draft. And that chick Berman had on his lap? Like Larry “Bud” Melman with tits. Hey, have I shown you this picture of me on my cell phone?”
Fox Sports Analyst Kevin Landry echoed the shock within all camps regarding Berman’s picks. “I understand that things get a little fuzzy during the sixth round of any party, but that was surprising given Berman’s stellar past track record. She was thick in the lower body in the way you like, and her upper body was strong through the chest. But above the neck she had issues, and not in the way Brandon Meriwether does. A real reach, if you ask me.”
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