Wait, wait. This is too metal for just any entry. We need…theme music for this update.

The charges in the long-awaited Penn State burglary/break-in/beatdown have come in, and they do not disappoint. The provisional score is simply indescribably large. If it were a tank battle of yore, it would be the battle of Kursk; if it were an ass, it would be the lab-created hybrid of Ki-Toy Johnson’s and Jessica Biel’s; if it were a food, it would be foie gras on toast points with a choice, dusty bottle of Bollinger.

The scores, so complex we had to crack out the rules just to make sure:

Anthony Scirrotto: felony burglary (3 points), felony criminal trespassing (3 points), two counts of criminal solicitation, simple assault (2 points) and harassment. (All misdemeanor charges, we think, totalling four points.)

Scirrotto’s total: eleven points

Chris Baker: felony burglary (3 points), felony criminal trespassing (3 points), simple assault (2 points), criminal mischief, disorderly conduct and harassment. (All misdemeanor, four points in all)

Baker’s total: eleven points.

Justin King, Jerome Hayes, Lydell Sargeant and Tyrell Sales: all charged with criminal trespassing, disorderly conduct and harassment. Misdemeanor total=12 points.

Felony trespassing gets three for being a felony charge, since pretty much any serious felony garners three points.

Holy hell: just back up and look at all that majesty. A single incident earns Penn State thirty-four points, the clear leader in the race for the Fulmer Cup. A score this big will no doubt fluctuate over time, but for the moment, Penn State is Lance Armstrong going up the Alpe d’Huez, and the rest of the field is Jan Ullrich desperately reaching for a vial of epo trying to catch up.

CORRECTION!!! As pointed out by several readers including Prof-fan, we undercounted by missing the felony bit on the four charged with trespassing. NEW TOTAL: 42 POINTS.

It’s…it’s an all-time high. We’re so overwhelmed that only Rita Coolidge can properly express our emotional state right now.